UNITED STATES OF AMERICA FOUNDED 1836 WASHINGTON, D. C. GPO 16—67244-1 I I -v* & $) 'SF /•*, THE HUSBAND'S RESPONSIBILITIES. 101 self expended no small share of his efforts, during his whole public ministry, on twelve persons. I am afraid this fact is not often enough considered. For although eighteen hundred years have elapsed since his remarkable exam- ple was presented to the world, mankind seem to have been exceedingly slow to follow it. There is still a disposition, even among his most sincere and enlightened followers, to think that nothing is done, unless they effect striking, visible changes on large numbers of their fellow- men. How few there are—how very few indeed—of those who profess to give their lives to efforts for saving the souls of men, who would be willing to spend half or more of their time with twelve persons ! How few would be satisfied with being the means of converting fifty or a hundred persons! We are still pre- disposed to adhere to the old, selfish, vain, pagan method, in spite of new light and new experience. A general and hearty belief in the sentiment I have here advanced, and a corresponding practice, will, as it seems to me, do more towards regenerating the world than all else which can be done, however valuable. I mean not to disparage the value of other influences; far from it. They cannot be entirely dispensed 102 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. with ; nay, they ought not to be. But we must not rely too much on them. The millennial glory of the world will never arrive, in its full blaze, till the mass of mankind are willing to regard themselves, each in their several spheres, as missionaries, and to govern themselves accord- ingly. Let each individual, then, (I must be allowed to press the sentiment,) but especially each young husband, on settling in life, endeavor to feel that the responsibility of saving the souls of his family and his neighbors now devolves upon him. Let him act just as he would act, if the command, Go into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature, were perpetually sounding in his cars. Let him live, in every respect, according to the will of God. Let him sanctify, as it were, his occupation or profes- sion, and let his light, in this respect, shine on those around him, in such a manner that they, seeing his good works, may be induced to glorify the Father, who is in heaven. Let him first exert a holy and heavenly influence on his wife and family. These are his more imme- diate disciples—his favored twelve, always with him. Let him enstamp on these the image of his Lord and Savior. Let him next shed a holy influence on his neighbors—on what, by THE HUSBAND'S RESPONSIBILITIES. 103 way of keeping up the figure, and, as I trust, reverently—I shall call the seventy. Let him, last of all, do what he can for the rest of the world around him. This is the order of nature ; not of perverted nature, but of redeemed na- ture. This is the order of Jesus Christ Perverted nature, as I have already said, has incessantly taken a course exactly the reverse of this. In its partial efforts to reform or improve men, it has constantly endeavored to act first upon the mass; subsequently, if ever, upon neighbors; and lastly—or, what more usually happens, not at all—on the wife and children. But Christianity, would we follow it, reverses this order, and sets every thing right. Is any thing more plain than that, if every individual would feel the responsibility of doing what I have alluded to, and endeavor to fulfil his mission by first being the means of con- verting himself, his family, and his neighbors, the world would, in a short time, become what it ought to be ? Who does not see, that if each father were to succeed in nothing more than in converting, by a right moral influence, his own household, the millennium could not be distant ? And is it not because this order is reversed, that this glorious time is thus delayed ? 104 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. Suppose the feeble efforts which have been made, in this chapter, could be the favored means, under God, of inducing a hundred young husbands, in the course of the next twelve years, to feel themselves under the most sacred obligation, as Christians, to begin the reformation of the world on the plan above proposed. Thus, in 1850, one hundred heads of families would be fairly at work. Suppose them successful—for of their success who can doubt? These families, averaging five each, would in thirty years amount to five hundred millennial Christians. Then in thirty years more, on the same principle, and by the opera- tion of the same means, accompanied, in the same manner, by the blessing of God, the num- ber would be twelve hundred and fifty. In the year 2000, the number would be no less than nineteen thousand five hundred and thirty ; and all this, too, without reference to the effects of the efforts of each of these individuals on his seventy or one hundred neighbors. Think, for a moment, young reader, of your responsibility! Who ever exerted a more amazing influence over the destinies of man- kind—the Son of God himself excepted—and did more to make human character what it is, than he who effected his object by enticing and THE HUSBAND'S RESPONSIBILITIES. 105 misleading a single woman ? And can you not do as much to save our race, through the agency of a single woman, by alluring her upward towards the throne of God, and thus sowing a millennial seed in the earth, as the adversary of mankind has done to destroy it ? Who knows that he cannot? Who that be- lieves, with Dr. Adam Clark and others, that the millennium will be, not merely a thousand years, but three hundred and sixty-five thou- sand, will doubt, for a moment, that his own agency and influence in behalf of the myriads, and myriads of myriads, that are to spring from him, may be at least equal to that of a single malignant spirit ? I renew my request, that husbands will think deeply of their power to affect the destinies of mankind. I am tired of hearing about restrict- ing our responsibilities. There is such a thing as a morbid responsibility, I know; but he who would do any thing effectual for the salvation of mankind must feel—sometimes at least—as if the very heavens were on his shoulders; and as if their continuance depended on his power and willingness to support them. Is it too much to say, that, from a single pair now enter- ing on the stage of life, may spring up a pos- 106 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. terity, ere the world shall end, as much more numerous than that of Adam down to the pres- ent hour, as can be imagined;—and that the eternal well-being of these hundreds of millions may possibly depend on the efforts of a single husband to emancipate the companion of his bosom ? CHAPTER V. LIVING BY SYSTEM. Mankind live at random. Importance of system. Objec- tions answered. Particular hours for particular duties and purposes. Alfred the Great. Present state of society. Four hours' labor a day. Human fashions. Fashion of the Creator. Views of Mr. Flint. His aspirations may be our realities. Human agency considered. The mass of mankind, even those who are nominally Christians, live at random, or hap- hazard. They have no plan, no system, and often no purpose. Or if they have a purpose— to secure money, pleasure, or fame—they have no such noble purpose as that which is present- ed in the foregoing chapter. Nor have they any plan or system even for getting money. Many appear to hate all system with the most inveterate hatred. They regard it as a restraint upon their natural liberty. God made them to be free, they say ; and they have no notion of being bound in fetters, especially in regard to the common matters of life. It robs life, they add, of half its pleasures. 108 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. Now, the truth is, there is hardly any thing in the world which renders free agents so truly free, as living by system. I know full well that many will spurn such a sentiment as not only paradoxical, but unnatural, unreasonable, and absolutely foolish. But the reason is, they have never tried any thing like system; and, as is usual in such cases, they do not, and cannot know its excellence. Let the young husband, who, with the advice and consent of his companion, has marked out his course of life—whether he is to be an office- seeker, money-maker, a man of pleasure, or a lover of God and doer of good—as soon as pos- sible, adopt some kind of system. I recall one sentiment. I cannot seriously advise the husband who is determined to de- vote himself to money, fame, or pleasure, to seek the advice or cooperation of his com- panion. It is true, it belongs to her to have a voice in the matter; but I am exceedingly loath to think of such a desecration. I cannot bear to have woman's powers and faculties—created, as she is, for offices truly angelic—devoted to employments so ignoble. It is only he who is determined to be what God would have him be -r—a doer of good as a Christian—who is truly entitled to female ministrations and counsels. LIVING BY SYSTEM. 109 If, however, the decision is, " to be a man," in devotion to the mission Heaven has assigned him, and to " strive to be a god," in doing all in his power to render the earth one mighty temple to Jehovah's praise, and all its employments so many acts of divine worship; if he is deter- mined—fully so—not indeed to bring down heaven to earth, but to do all in his power, by a wise and happy moral influence, to bring up earth to heaven,—then is it meet that the wife, too, should enlist her energies and cooperate with her husband. What system should be adopted, in individual cases, must depend, in no small degree, on cir- cumstances. It is not in my power, of course, to present, in its details, any system which will be adapted to all families; nor indeed to any considerable number of them. I shall, how- ever, in the various chapters of this work, pre- sent a few thoughts, which may possibly afford some aid to the thinking husband. As for those who neither think at all, nor desire to do so, and who read of the importance of system—if they read on the subject at all—only to adopt or to reject by wholesale, without either thinking the matter over by themselves or discussing it with their companions, what I say will, I fear, be of little avail to them. 110 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. It is highly desirable, in making out our plan or system of living, to mark off so many hours for particular purposes. Alfred the Great, of England, allotted, it is said, eight hours to study, eight to business, and eight to sleep. It would be well if every young master of a family could fix on a system of some sort, not unlike that of Alfred. As the world is, there are difficulties in the way of adhering to such a system, when formed ; but there may be an approximation to it. Thus we may fix on so many hours for sleep—six, seven, or eight, according to our views of consequences; so many hours for meals; so many for business; so many, and such or such, for conversation and study. In the present state of the arts, with such a vast amount of labor-saving machinery, it would be highly desirable to spend a much smaller part of our time in labor than we do ;—not for the sake of indulging in indolence, but to give time for improvement of the mind and heart. Are there not some Christians among us who can afford to set the example of laboring a few hours, only, in a day, and of spending the rest of their time more profitably ? Why spend so much of our strength in the gratification of wants, many of which are wholly arbitrary, and for which there is no foundation in our natures ? LIVING BY SYSTEM. Ill Which hours of the day, in the case supposed, should be allotted to business, I cannot say ; be- cause this may often depend on the nature of our employment. If I am a merchant, my custom- ers may not be willing to come between the hours of four and ten o'clock in the forenoon, even if I should select that period. I shall there- fore be compelled to change my occupation, or conform, in some measure, to their habits. Were it not for this, however, and especially were our employments in the open air, the bet- ter time for business would be in the forenoon. In truth, the forenoon is, as I shall show more fully by and by, the best time for every thing— labor, study, recreation, or conversation ; but it is peculiarly the time for labor which is active. If it is said that four hours' labor a day would not support us, as the world now is, I reply that I have already admitted this; but I would not have the world—all of it—remain as it is. I would have every Christian husband, each in his own sphere, do all in his power to change it and make it better. This is the way in which all solid, lasting improvement is to be made. If the individuals for whom I am writing have settled it as their proper course to pursue, to five as the rest of the world do—to be in fash- ion as to money-making and money-spending— 112 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. then I might as well lay down my pen, for I shall do them little good. I have hoped, how- ever, that there are those among us who are ready to try to follow a better fashion than that of the world; that which the Creator has indi- cated in his word and in their own natures. This latter fashion—that of the Creator- while it requires an amount of time to be spent in eating, drinking, sleeping, &c, and in those employments which enable us to eat, drink, and sleep comfortably, requires us also, at the same time, to spend a portion of each day in culti- vating the mind, and in elevating the moral sen- timents. The mind and heart can no more be sustained or improved without due attention to their proper food, than the body. In fact, man's mere animal nature does not thrive well, with- out due attention to his mental and moral nature. He is not only happier and moie useful to others, whose mind and soul have their daily bread, but his health is better, and his longevity, other things being equal, greater. But as the world now manage, who ever thinks much of these things ? Is not nearly all our time taken up—ten, twelve, fourteen hours a day—especially that of females, in attending, directly or indirectly, to the wants of the body ? If four hours a day are demanded in actual LIVING BY SYSTEM. 113 labor for the healthy support of the body__and as Christians, who wish to lay up treasure in heaven, are there not some who do not need more ?—are not four more equally wanted for providing and furnishing food for the mental faculties, and four for those of the soul ? I might sustain the views I entertain on this subject by the following quotation from the " Art of being Happy," by Timothy Flint—an authority to which, I am sure, nobody will object. At page 3-2, he says thus :— " If a system of living and occupation were to be framed for human beings, founded on the exposition of their nature, it would be something like this. " 1. So many hours a day would require to be dedicated by every individual in health to the exercise of his muscular and nervous sys- tems, in labor calculated to give scope to these functions. The reward of obeying this requisite of their nature would be health, and a joyous animal existence; the punishment of neglect is disease, low spirits, and death. " 2. So many hours a day should be spent in the sedulous employment of the knowing and reflecting faculties ; in studying the qualities of external objects, and their relations; also the nature of all animated beings, and their rela- 8 114 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. tions. The reward of this conduct would be an incalculably great increase of pleasure. " 3. So many hours a day ought to be de- voted to the cultivation and gratification of our moral sentiments; that is to say, in exercising these in harmony with intellect, and especially in acquiring the habit of admiring, loving, and yielding obedience to the Creator and his in- stitutions. " This last object is of vast importance. In- tellect is barren of practical fruit, however rich it may be in knowledge, until it is fired and prompted to act by moral sentiment. In my view, knowledge by itself is worthless and impotent, compared with what it becomes when vivified by elevated emotions. It is not enough that intellect is informed; the moral faculties must simultaneously cooperate—yield- ing obedience to the precepts which the intellect recognizes to be true. " One way of cultivating the sentiments would be for men to meet and act together, and to exercise each other in mutual instruction, and in united adoration of the great and glorious Creator. The reward of acting in this manner would be a communication of direct and intense pleasure to each other; for I refer to every individual who has ever had the good fortune LIVING BY SYSTEM. 115 to pass a day or an hour with a really benevo- lent, pious, honest, and intellectual man, whose soul swelled with adoration of his Creator, whose intellect was replenished with knowledge of his works, and whose whole mind was in- stinct with sympathy for human happiness, whether such a day did not afford him the most pure, elevated, and lasting gratification he ever enjoyed." Now Mr. Flint, in these paragraphs, was not sketching out an Utopia. What is here suggested —yes, and much more—will, and must be realized in human history ; if not in the infancy of our world, at least in its maturity. As cer- tainly as it is given us to aspire after such glorious things as Mr. Flint has here hinted at —for really what he says is no more than a few hints—so certainly are they destined to be the portion of the human race. It is not—it cannot be—the lot of humanity to be always a slave to the appetites and lusts—to spend and be spent for the mere house of the soul; the mere shell of the inhabitant. Man has a nobler destiny, even on this earth. But I cannot enlarge. I will only repeat, that the glorious things which Scripture, reason, and common sense reveal in regard to the destiny of our race will never come about by miracle. They will 116 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. never be imposed upon us. They must come through human instrumentality. The spiritual sun must indeed shine, and the dews of heaven must descend, and its breezes blow, but unless the husbandman perform his part, there will be no harvest. It is for Christians, in their various relations, especially in matrimonial life—it is for husbands in particular, by the suggestions, by the stand they take, and by the aid and support they give to their wives—to hasten the consummation of earthly human happiness. CHAPTER VI. FAMILY PRAYER Importance of prayer, morning and evening. Singular fact. Christians reproved by Mohammedans. Husbands and wives. Anecdote of a boarding-house. Begin family prayer early. The husband should take the lead. Manner. Singing. Reading. Objections answered, and difficulties obviated. Avoid the lecturing style of remark. Precept should be sustained by example. Every family determined to live by system should establish, as a fixed point, the custom of morning and evening prayer. I have known instances where prayer was attended once a week, once a day, or—in a few instances— twice a day, as a mere matter of policy. Some- times, however, it is attended, in these cases, as a mere quietus of the conscience. Now, though I would not by any means advise the desecration of so sacred an act, yet it is certainly an argument in its favor that many heads of families—mere worldlings though they are—have so much respect for what they do not heartily love, as to employ it, even foi 118 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. selfish purposes. And should Christians hesi- tate to attend to a duty of this kind ? There is an unaccountable reluctance among Christians—at least in this country—to appear as such. Many good men not only shrink from prayer in the presence of their fellow-men in the church or chapel, but even in the smaller circle of their family; and go mourning, per- haps, all their days, because they have not courage to perform what they verily believe to be a duty. They often think themselves excused by their diffidence; which, by the way, they affect to believe, and sometimes do believe, to be constitutional. And yet the follower of Mohammed, however great his diffidence, constitutional or acquired, knows nothing about any such reluctance to be seen or heard in prayer. When the hour for his devotional exercises arrives, it is said, he falls upon his knees wherever he happens to be, let who may be present, and offers his prayers. Surely the disciples of Christ ought not to be more ashamed of being known as such, than the followers of Mohammed are to be recog- nized as belonging to the train of the prophet. Surely we ought to be as morally courageous under the Christian dispensation as under any other. The righteous, said Solomon, are as FAMILY PRAYER. 119 bold as a lion; but are they so in our own day ? Or are they more timid and reserved, in respect to their religious belief and practice, than any other people whatever ? What has struck me most unfavorably, is the reluctance of husband and wife to converse familiarly on religious subjects. One might think that they were the very persons, above all others, to enter deeply and familiarly into each other's religious views and feelings, and to unite frequently in prayer, and praise, and other religious acts. But is it so? While there are a few instances of the kind, scattered here and there, I believe that, as a general rule, they are almost the last persons in the world to enter deeply into one another's religious feel- ings. Nay, it is by no means uncommon for them to live together, year after year, without the least religious acquaintance. Family prayers may, indeed, sometimes be offered ; but both the prayer and the accompanying exercise ot reading the Bible, are apt to degenerate into a cold, heartless, formal routine of mere body and lip service. Their hearts are often as dis- tant from each other, though they occupy the same house, as the poles of the earth which they inhabit. It is painful and humiliating to make such a 120 THE YoUNG HUSBAND. concession. Yet the concession must be made ; for it is a fact, and needs to be exposed. The faithful surgeon does not shrink from his duty because it is painful to probe the wound. The error to which I allude should be assiduously guarded against by every young husband. Notwithstanding the general reluctance to which I refer, there are some pleasing instances of the contrary kind to be found among us. I was once acquainted at a large and highly respectable boarding-house, kept by a pious lady, who made it a settled point to begin and end the day with prayer, let the number or re- spectability of her boarders be what it might. It often happened that when no person was present, on whom she thought it proper to call, she led in prayer herself, with the most perfect self-command, joined to the most un- questionable humility. I often think of this unshrinking matron, when I find husbands and wives so timid, and so apparently afraid of each other ; and wish—but in vain—that Christians in general possessed much more of her spirit.* It is most earnestly to be desired—I repeat it * I am acquainted with one young lady, not yet quite sixteen years of age, who, in the absence of her father, will lead, in a most judicious manner, the usual family devotions; and without timidity or shrinking on the one hand, or too FAMILY PRAYER. 121 —that whatever else be left undone, in forming a system of family conduct and management, this may never be omitted—no, not for one day. Omitted once—unless in the most extraordinary circumstances-—it may be so again, with still less reluctance, and so on till it is omitted entirely. I know of no way in which to secure this as the basis of a family system of living, except by beginning it at set hours, immediately after marriage; and allowing no circumstances of any ordinary kind to interfere, in a single instance, with its most sincere, solemn, and heartfelt performance. But this is a matter which, as things now are, it belongs to the young husband to suggest The subject fairly introduced by the husband, the wife may be expected to sustain him, and, if she is what she should be, to prevent, by her timely and frequent suggestions, any tendency to the neglect or decline of a duty so indispen- sable to her own happiness, and which, it may reasonably be hoped, will prove a means of drawing down so many blessings from the Father of mercies on a rising or future family. much forwardness on the other. I have also seen young lads and misses, in religious families in our Southern States, who did not hesitate to return thanks at the table, when requested, with much propriety, not to say gravity. 122 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. It may be also expected of the husband, very naturally, that he will take the lead in making appropriate remarks during that part of the morning religious exercises which consists in reading the Scriptures. If he does so, and does it in a proper manner, it will not be long ere the wife will be found to perform her part faithfully. The experiment, I venture to affirm it, was never made by the husband unsuccessfully, if his heart was in it, since the world began. Where the husband and wife live strangers to each other's religious views, and exercises, and feelings, the fault is for the most part—certainly four times in five—the fault of the husband. As to the manner of conducting family reli- gious exercises, I must leave that for each family to settle for themselves. I have already inti- mated that there should be reading of the Scrip- tures, with conversation on the same, and prayer; —the latter being the basis or principal exercise —to which I will now add that, where the thing is practicable, I would have vocal music. It may be said that some husbands cannot sing, and that, as it would probably devolve on them to take the lead in this part also, there are many families to whom my remarks will not apply. But I earnest- ly hope that the experiments which have been made within a few years, both in Europe and FAMILY PRAYER. 123 America, have changed the tone of the public sentiment on this point, and that it is beginning to be believed that nearly every person can learn to sing. Besides, it is not indispensable that every husband and wife should be perfect in this art. Some of the most delightful hours of my life have been those which were passed in families at the South, where every member, from the oldest to the youngest, joined in a song of praise, both at morning and evening devotions. A little imperfection, or even discord, does not spoil the effect. If there is less of art, in these cases, there is often more of nature, which is better; especially when we have reason to be- lieve it is accompanied by a warm heart. It may be well to say something, in this place, on the method of reading the Scriptures in families; though, after all, what may be pref- erable in one family will not always be best for all. Perhaps, too, I carry my republicanism into religious things more than will please the taste of some of my readers. I have always thought it desirable that each person present at the exercise of which I am speaking, should have a Bible, and should read, in turn, a portion of the lesson. The master of the family should ask such questions, from 124 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. time to time, as will be most likely to arrest the attention, excite the interest, and awaken the conscience. Each member of the family should also be encouraged to ask questions in his turn. I might now present examples to illustrate this subject, but it appears to me quite unneces- sary. Those who feel the force of what has been said, will find little difficulty in making the proper application. Let it not be said that I am here supposing a degree of intelligence which is not common among young husbands. By no means. Most of them know something of the meaning of the plainer Bible passages, and have conceptions more or less accurate of what may be consid- ered, for example, as our duties to God. They are more destitute of courage than ignorant. One excellency of the Bible is, that the wayfar- ing man, though a fool, need not essentially misunderstand it. Nor let it be said that an industrious husband, especially if dependent on his own exertions for a livelihood, cannot find time for such exercises. It is not so. If family worship is a religious duty, there must be time for it. But that it is so, I presume few of my readers will entertain a doubt. FAMILY PRAYER. 125 It need not take up a great deal of time. Our minds and hearts will not expand by being fed from the Bible, in exact proportion to the quan- tity of food received. Two or three verses at a time might, in some circumstances, be amply sufficient for one lesson, and might afford more spiritual nourishment than a much larger por- tion only half prepared or digested.—Nor are our prayers acceptable before the eternal throne in exact proportion to their length. The Savior himself has more than intimated that we shall not be heard merely for our much speaking. We may make our exercises almost as short as we please. I do not, however, recommend that we make them as short as we can. There is no necessity for this. He who makes it his daily business to redeem time, who rises early, who lives by sys- tem, and who has, in his companion, a fellow- laborer, will find half an hour, at least, every morning—perhaps an hour—for devotion. I would recommend religious exercises as a part of the system of every family—and this, too, at setting out in the world—were I governed by the principles of the mere worldling. As Matthew Hale said of spending the Sabbath well, that it insured a prosperous and happy week, so the spending of an hour or so of the 126 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. morning in devotional exercises, seems to insure a prosperous and happy day; and though I am as unable to explain the nature of the connec- tion in the latter case as Judge Hale was in the former, I am nevertheless confident that such a connection exists. One more suggestion, on this point, and only one. The husband or the father, while reading the Scriptures on these occasions, and making appropriate remarks, should avoid, if possible, the preaching or lecturing style. I know not why the latter method should produce results so un- favorable as I am confident it sometimes does. I have seen not only the children, but the wives and other members of the families of very good men, again and again disgusted and driven away from religion by a course so injudicious. On the contrary, I would recommend the utmost familiarity, provided it is not suffered to degen- erate into levity. That excellent commentator on the Bible, Dr. Scott, is said, by one of his biographers, never to have conversed much with his family in the lecturing style. He explained and illustrated, but seldom lectured or exhorted. And yet few men—perhaps none—have been more successful in their attempts at the conversion of their families. All his children, grandchildren, and FAMILY PRAYER. 127 domestics—if I remember correctly—became, sooner or later, pious people; some of them eminently so. I might mention many more ex- amples of the same sort; but one must suffice. I ought, however, to observe that the course to which I allude, even in the hands of as ex- cellent a man as Mr. Scott, would seldom, if ever, be successful as a means of conversion, unless sustained by a corresponding example. Bad example has so often counteracted and de- feated the otherwise excellent effects of good precepts, that an opinion is quite prevalent that the children of professing Christians are as bad as those of others; and some say, even worse. I do not believe it is so. Still there are quite too many profligate and vicious children in the families of those who aim to be pious, and to have their children so, but who defeat their efforts by an unworthy example. CHAPTER VII. MORNING DUTIES. Advantages of the morning. Consultation. Plans for the day. Who are to be consulted. Execution of particular duties. The breakfast-table. The morning hours are the best hours of the day for almost every human purpose, sleep ex- cepted. That they are the best 'for study, is proverbial. But they are also the best for labor and recreation, and for eating and drinking. Not only our hardest or most difficult studies, but our most difficult and fatiguing labors, should be per- formed at the earliest possible period. If the stom- ach ever is to be taxed unusually, by substances difficult of digestion, this is also the proper time for receiving them.—As the day begins to wane, we should pursue the lighter and less difficult studies and labors, as well as receive the lighter food, and in smaller quantity. We should also indulge ourselves, in a special manner, at that time of day, in conversation and other social enjoyments—in the lighter sort of food for the mind. MORNING DUTIES. 129 It should be one part of the family arrangement to rise early; and here, if no where else, should a husband take the lead in endeavoring to form proper habits. In order to success in his efforts, it is necessary, however, that his family should understand fully his purpose and object, and feel the importance of voluntary cooperation. I am always pained to see the young husband— and yet the sight is not uncommon—using his authority, and sometimes his physical force, to compel his family to rise early. How little does it avail merely to command a family to get up ! What though the reasons of the command are given ? The reasoning powers as yet but half awake, the reasons are not appreciated. To see a husband and wife at variance, their whole lives long, on this very point, is, however, still more painful to me than to see the husband, tyrant like, effecting his purposes by physical force. The worst evil of the latter condition is bodily slavery; but the evils of perpetual war are as ruinous to the mind and soul, as to the body. The truth is, there should be mutual consul- tation. If there can be no regular system estab- lished by the joint decisions of husband and wife, there should, at the least, be a plan for each day. If possible, it would be well to form 9 130 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. the plan the night before. Let each hour of the morning have its particular employments and duties, and, when the hour comes, let them be attended to. It seems to me better to have no plan at all, than to have one formed and to entirely neglect it.—In conformity with these suggestions, rising should be at a given hour, prayer at a certain subsequent time, and break- fast at such a time, and so on. But if the plan is not formed and made known and the penalties announced—if penalties there are—the night beforehand, let it be the first thing in the morning. This hour, in fact, has some advantages over every other. The day has dawned; and new prospects are before us. The mind, and soul, and body, are fresh and vigorous. We see what our health is, and can better form an opinion in regard to many other circumstances. Whereas, the night before, there is more uncertainty, and the intervention of sleep takes off half the happiness we should otherwise enjoy in the immediate prospect or anticipation of duties, enjoyments, &c. What can be more delightful than to see a husband and wife, with their children and do- mestics—if children or domestics they have— collected together at early dawn, and planning the business, studies, recreations, and devotions MORNING DUTIES. 131 of the opening day? Or if the father have settled the whole matter already, how pleasant it is to call the whole together and apprize them of the decision ! I have seen a family of boys quite miserable, and the mother greatly dissatisfied, because the father, though, in the main, an excellent man, never gave the least intimation, in a single in- stance, of any plan for the future. He had a plan in his head, indeed, but it was never an- nounced beforehand. It was his custom to say, Go, and come, to his family or laborers, just as fast as he wanted a certain thing done by them, but no faster. Such a man may be an excellent father in all other respects, a kind neighbor, and a good citizen. He may, moreover, be skilful and suc- cessful in his business ; though he would un- doubtedly be still more successful, if with plan he connected family consultation. He would also be much happier, and his wife and children almost infinitely more so. I have never known much true domestic happiness where the husband or father manifested such a want of confidence in his companion and children. Nor is this all; I have seldom, if ever, known the children of such a father to take a deep interest in the father's 132 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. occupation. Whether better or worse than others, it will be, to them, a matter of almost total indifference. Follow it they possibly may, in some instances; but it will seldom be in the love of it. So may the wife occasionally ask her husband questions in regard to his concerns; but not because she takes a deep interest in them. It will often, if not always, be a matter of mere form or compliment. The judicious husband will also see that every necessary provision is made for the varied duties of the morning. He will not neglect to do that which, by being done, would have saved his companion much trouble, and pre- vented half an hour's delay in regard to break- fast. He will not be tardy when breakfast ar- rives, and keep the table in waiting. On the contrary, it will be not merely a duty, but a pleasure, to have every thing in readiness by the time appointed, and to facilitate rather than retard the family operations. Small as some may think such matters, the very breakfast-table—its contents—the conver- sation, &c.—may be planned; and a foundation laid for rendering even these ordinary occasions of daily life subservient to the intellectual and moral well-being of all who partake of it. I MORNING DUTIES. 133 am far from encouraging the practice of making breakfast a season either of study or recita- tion ; but there is a wide difference between this extreme and that of devoting two of the best hours of every day to mere tattle, or, what is much worse, to the purposes of petty scandal. CHAPTER VIII. LEISURE HOURS. Difficulty of finding leisure time. Leisure at meals. Hour v at dinner. Topics of conversation. Time not usually expended economically. Reflections. In this country, husbands and wives are usually separated, by custom, during the greater part of the day. Whether it should be so or not, is a question I need not discuss, having already said something on the subject; as much as will probably be useful, in the present state of the public sentiment. This separation, however, has its advantages, as well as its disadvantages. Those who are constantly in each other's society seldom learn to prize that society. I would not, indeed, advise a separation for the sole purpose of securing the pleasure of a subsequent meeting; but it is some consolation to those who are obliged to be separated, to know that they are to be repaid, if they ever meet again, for a part, at least, of the privation. I cannot help thinking that there are multi- LEISURE HOURS. 135 tudes of husbands, even in those employments which require the most unremitted separation from their families, who might find more leisure time for domestic society and enjoyment than they now do, would they first plan, and then execute well their plan. Every plan, however, should include punctuality ; for nothing, that is, nothing very efficient, can be done in the world without it. How do we consume the twenty-four hours of every day God gives us ? Suppose the hus- band and wife sleep seven hours; and surely no Christian couple will claim more. Suppose the meals, the morning planning, and the evening review,* with devotions, consume four more. Still there remain fifteen hours. Are all these spent in our customary employments■? Are none of them lounged away, uselessly? Or, if not spent uselessly, are they spent in a way calculated to do as much good as if they had been spent at home, in the bosom of the family ? Is due care taken to " redeem the time," as the Scripture expresses it ? Was there a proper remembrance of accountability to God—a proper regard to a judgment to come ? Suppose, however, that a husband- has no time to spend with his family, except at those • Of the evening review I shall speak in a future chapter 136 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. hours which I regard as sacred to meals, devo tions, plans, and reviews. Let it be, even, that he has no time for reviews. Suppose the whole number of his waking hours, except the time at meals and devotions, are really taken up with his employments. Suppose, also, that the conversation at the morning meal consists in forming and announcing the plan for the day; while that at the evening meal consists of a mutual review of the actions of the past day. Still there remains the whole hour at dinner. Now, though I dislike grave conversation, or such as will involve intense thinking, at meals, believing it to be far from favorable to the best health, yet in circumstances like the foregoing, I should deem it a choice of evils. There is such an imperious necessity for rational and improv- ing conversation in families, that if it were really to happen that there were no other time for it, I would make sure of this. No husband, who has an hour with his family at dinner, every day, ought to complain of want of time to instruct them in all the common concerns of life. I do not, indeed, say that every thing which belongs to a university education can be obtained at the dinner-table; but I do say, that many, nay, most of the common things of life, may be taught there ; LEISURE HOURS. 137 and not only the common things of life, but some which are, to the mass of mankind, rather un- common. Has the young husband ever thought how much time is spent at dinner? Suppose a young couple marry at twenty-five, and live together fifty years. One hour a day for this whole period,—and we ought to spend an hour at dinner, if possible,—exclusive of Sabbaths, amounts to fifteen thousand six hundred and sixty-two hours. But suppose it were only half an hour a day ; this is a greater amount of time than many a New England youth ever spent in school in his whole life. An hour at a meal is equal to the average time spent in school by the boys of Massachusetts, generally, at the present day. Can nothing, then, be done ? I have intimated that something may be done at these seasons, which shall go beyond the ordinary range of common things. By this I mean, that a great deal of information may be communicated in this way, by parents who have their hearts set on the work, in the elementary parts of almost every science, especially natural history, in its various branches, arithmetic, defining, geography, history, &c. I am, in fact, of opinion that half an hour, at dinner, where the conversation is wisely directed and 138 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. controlled, would give more valuable informa- tion, in ten or twelve years, than the whole course of instruction at our common schools ordinarily does to the best pupils. Not that such instruction, even if there were three times as much of it in families as there now is, can or ought to supersede the ordinary routine of school instruction. On the contrary, the one may, and should, as a general rule, aid the other. Neither the common school, nor the family, will ever become what it should be, till there exists a greater degree Of parental coop- eration with teachers in their efforts, than has, as yet, been known. But I forget that I am writing for the young husband rather than the young parent. After all, the mass of mankind, even our hard laborers, may find other leisure hours, as I suspect, every week of their lives. There are, in this country at least, very few who are shut up to the narrow limits supposed by the last paragraphs. Let us improve, then, the means and opportunities God gives us, in the worst circumstances, for social, intellectual and re- ligious improvement; for, depend upon it, if we do this, a great work will be accomplished. Let the husband especially remember that " Teaching we give, and giving we retain," LEISURE HOURS. 139 and that, while he leads the van in the instruc- tion of his wife and the other members of his family, he will find his own improvement rapid in proportion. There is no school like the family school; and it is surprising that it has been hitherto so little valued. Were this what it should be, and what, as I have already said, it might be, even in the most unfavorable circumstances, and were it substituted for all other schools, the world would go on far better than it now does, depending every where on " the schools," as they are called, but neglecting every where the family. If ever the world in which we live shall become what it ought to be, the family school will take a higher stand among us than it ever yet has done. It will be regarded as the school of schools ; and all other places of instruction as merely its subsidiaries. CHAPTER IX. EVENINGS AT HOME. Long evenings. A phenomenon. Attempts to account for its appearance. Power of habit. Absent husbands very common. Anecdote of Mr. Ludlow. Appeal to the hus- band's sympathies. Reflections. Exaggeration. An object of pity. The scene changed. Another Eden. Picture of heaven on earth. Closing reflections and appeal. I have been astonished to find so many husbands ready to absent themselves from home during the evening. I speak now more partic- ularly of the long evenings of autumn and winter. During the greater part of these sea- sons, the last meal will, or at least should, be taken by six o'clock; and as there is little active business done afterward, what will become of the time ? Some husbands are occupied, during all or a part of these hours, at their shops or places of labor. The number of these, however, is small. Most men, in this country, are at liberty to remain at home, if they will. But how few EVENINGS AT HOME. 141 there are who will do so! What multitudes are away from their families! But whence the cause of such strange con- duct? If we have, at home, a beloved wife and children, is it not—ought it not to be, at least—a source of the purest pleasure to be with them as much as possible ? Granting that there is nothing for the husband to do ; grant- ing that the mistress of the family has help- still, is his society nothing to her? Is it nothing to the children ? Perhaps there are no children, nor any domes- tics. Is not the case, then, the more urgent? What meant that part of the Jewish law which exempted a husband from going to war the first year after marriage ? Was it not that the husband's society was especially impor- tant ? Was it not for the very reason which is given—to cheer her up ? Has a female, by marriage, lost all her friends but her husband, and must she lose him, too ? I am more than astonished—I am shocked— at the thoughtlessness, not to say indifference, of many young husbands on this whole subject. I have seen so many who absented themselves unnecessarily from home during the evening, even of those who seemed to me not wanting in affection for it, that I have sometimes been 142 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. ready to complain of human nature. But is it the fault of our nature, as it comes from the hands of God ? Is it not the fault of a perverted nature, rather—perverted by the customs and habits of society, and by personal inattention to self-education and moral prog- ress? Some go abroad, and leave their wives, the very moment they have a leisure hour, from mere habit. The error in this case is not, however, their own, so much as that of the parents and the society which educated them. There is a fearful responsibility resting on those parents who so train their sons that they regard it as doing penance to remain at home during the evening. Would to Heaven that Christian parents could be brought to look at this subject in its true light, and see its fearful consequences. After the labors and studies of the day are ended, nothing can be more appropriate, or delightful, than one, or two, or three hours of conversation—the length of the time to be determined, of course, by the length of the evening—around the domestic fireside ; the whole family, whether larger or smaller, being together. The damp air of the evening seems to admonish us ; the darkness admonishes us; the danger—to health and to morals—admon- EVENINGS AT HOME. 143 ' ishes us;—why will we not heed the admoni- tion ? I have said that the young man, who is so educated that he goes abroad from mere habit, more than from a want of affection for his com- panion, is not so much to blame as they who educated him. But I do not mean to exculpate him entirely from blame. Very far from that. If he has common sense—and if not, he ought never to have enlisted the affections of a fe- male—he can break any bad habit, and form any new one, he pleases. Will he not, there- fore, do it ? Some of the best, and in the main the kind- est—the kindest, I mean, as to general intention —of husbands I have ever known, were almost always absent from their families. Had it been their design to have as little to do with home as possible, without loss of general reputation, I see not how they could have better accom- plished their purpose. I have in my mind's eye, at this moment, a fine young man on the Green Mountains of New England, and not far from my own age. He was a farmer on a moderate scale, and in the winter usually taught a district school. His family consisted, at the time I knew him, of himself, his wife, and three or four small chil- 144 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. dren; and perhaps no man ever loved a family better than he did his. And yet he seemed to those who knew him best—I used sometimes to fear, to his poor wife also—to have no natural affection at all. He usually rose betimes, was busy about the house or garden till breakfast-time, and, when called to breakfast, sat down, and said nothing. After breakfast, he was usually about till dinner- time, when, with the regularity of a clock, he was present to eat again,—but still to say nothing. And so of the afternoon, and of supper. I do not mean to say that he never spoke; I only mean to say that he seldom, if ever, introduced any interesting or important topic of conversation. He would always reply to questions put by his wife or children; and sometimes, though seldom, speak of the quality of the food, or the state of the weather. There was, indeed, one virtue in his silence; he was never—that I ever heard—guilty of slander or detraction. About a quarter of a mile from my friend's house was a shop for the sale of dry goods and groceries. It was one of those little__I might say belittling—places which are ever and anon to be found, even in New England, the region of the Puritans, where spirituous liquors EVENINGS AT HOME. 145 were sold by the half-pint and half-gill, espe- cially in the evening, to every one who had a few cents wherewith to purchase, and a dispo- sition to appropriate his cash to such a use. Think not, reader, that I am about to relate a sad story of intemperance—of a husband gradually ruined, and of a wife and children penniless, broken-hearted, and driven from home to the almshouse. By no means. My friend was so educated that he seemed steeled—a rare case, I acknowledge—to every seduction of this sort. Though he encouraged intemperance by his presence, he never drank. Seated in a partic- ular part of the shop, occasionally making a remark or two, or relating a story, but oftener seeing and hearing the rest in silence, there he used to sit till nine o'clock ; when, as regularly as he came, he went home again, and imme- diately retired to rest. And what think you were the feelings of his partner during his absence, evening after even- ing? What must she have thought of his affection for her and her children, or of his desire for her and their improvement? I am astonished—I always was astonished—that a man of sense and reputed piety could reconcile it to his conscience to do so. Here was a young man, not thirty years 10 146 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. of age, bred to moral and religious habits, sensible, intelligent, and somewhat refined, ca- pable of doing immense good by his conver- sation in his family or elsewhere, doing nothing. Doing nothing, did I say ? Worse, by far, than that; he was doing a great deal—of mischief. A dram-drinker comes into the shop, and shakes hands with those present, and among the rest with my young friend Ludlow. Does he not rejoice to find himself in such good company ? Presently the bowl or the tumbler goes round, and though Ludlow habitually refuses to taste, yet he does not hesitate to join the loud laugh which follows, or to listen to the miserable tales which also come in for a sequel. Is it not doing mischief to countenance such things? and above all, to laugh and make merry with the actors ? Let us look now at yonder cottage. There sits a handsome and lovely young woman, at twenty- five. She is knitting and mending for her hus- band—brute that he is, not to know it—and her babes, one of whom she has already put to bed, and the other she is endeavoring to keep awake till its father returns, for the sake of its society. Not that she is actually afraid of any thing, but she is alone, and she was made for society; and once, she had it. But a lover came. He EVENINGS AT HOME. 147 spoke fine things. He promised, at least in- directly, fine times. In short, born, as she was, to be wooed, she was won. She left her native circle, and all its pleasant associations, partly at the voice of God speaking through her own constitution, and partly because she loved, and hoped to improve her condition. It is not in woman not to dream of future bliss. There may be infidels who are called women ; but women I am sure they cannot be in reality. The clock strikes eight. " Tired nature's sweet restorer, balmy sleep," has at length visit- ed the elder child, in spite of his mother's efforts, and he is quietly resigned to the arms of Morpheus. But there is a long hour to pass, ere those steps will be heard at the threshold. Does she suspect her husband to be spending his money or his health on drams, or at cards, or in other female company ? Far from it. She knows him too well. She knows where he is, perfectly well, and that he "touches not" and " tastes not," except by setting a bad exam- ple. She sometimes ventures to drop a modest hint in his ear, and to request him gently not to "stay at the store" so long; and whenever she mentions it, he always confesses his folly and his guilt. But he is as much enslaved to this foolish habit as the drunkard is to his cups, or 148 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. the epicure to his high-seasoned meats ; and on the same principle. The drunkard, unsatisfied with plain drink, demands something which will excite his nervous system ; the epicure, discon- tented with plain food, seeks excitement also; and what is congenial to their tastes, long habit not only renders still more so, but confines them to. So it is with my friend Ludlow, as the read- er will see. The plain mental food, which is af- forded in the family, is tame and unsatisfying; and he seeks that which is- more savory. And the more he allows its use, the more will his diseased appetite appear to demand it, and the firmer will the chains of his servitude become.—She has told him all this in a proper manner, again and again, but, as I said before, to no purpose. If this solitude—this worse than widowhood —were to have an end; if the wife could look forward to its termination ten, twenty, or thirty years hence, her case would be comparatively tolerable. And if the wife of my friend Lud- low were the only individual in the wide world who was suffering from this species of neglect on the part of husbands, I would not so loudly complain. But I have known many instances not unlike this. I have known hundreds of husbands, in short, who seemed, by their con- duct, more happy every where else than at home. EVENINGS AT HOME. 149 I have even seen some kind-hearted, and, in the main, excellent husbands, who could not—rather would not—stay at home even of a Sunday night. That blessed eve, too, must be desecrated. There was some place of general rendezvous for the neighborhood of indifferent husbands—a store, a shop, a bar-room, a post-office, or a reading- room—where they could while away the even- ing hours, and escape the monotony of their homes! Nor were all wives as fortunate as Mrs. Ludlow, in believing that every thing was right in their husbands' habits. Some there were who met, not merely to amuse themselves, and unawares to have the keen edge of their moral sensibility taken off by becoming accus- tomed to the loud laugh, the coarse jest, or, per- adventure, the obscene song, but to join in some mad revel or debauch, introduced by cards, dice, billiards, &c. One of the greatest sins which the husband can commit, says a foreign but judicious writer, is that of making it a practice to stay out late at night, which, though not reckoned among the usual catalogue of crimes against social life, is one of those most worthy of reprobation. The mental anguish endured by many excellent wives from this infamous practice, no one can picture, unless they have witnessed it. There, by the 150 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. lonely hearth—the fire sunk to a cinder and a mass of ashes—the candle verging to its close in the socket—the dingy, silent apartment strewed with the toys and furniture of the children, sent, hours since, to bed—there, in the midst of this domestic wilderness, sits the drooping, de- sponding, almost broken-hearted wife, counting the hours, and conning over, in her wearied mind, the numbers of times she has been so deserted, and foreseeing the still greater misery which awaits her, by such a course of profligacy in her husband. And for what, may we ask, has the master of the household thus deserted his house? The company of hollow friends, idle acquaintances, perhaps drunkards or gamblers, whose witless jocularity forms the temptation to abandon a good name, fortune, worldly respec- tability, and self-esteem. None but the wife who has endured trials of this nature can prop- erly understand the horrors resulting from such a life of folly and dissipation. When I have contemplated this whole sub- ject ; when I have considered the solemnity of the marriage obligation ; when I have thought how much is comprehended in the promise to " nourish and cherish"—for such a promise always exists, either tacitly or by direct engage- ment—and when I have seen how soon it is for- EVENINGS AT HOME. 151 gotten or disregarded by the unkind—I should say cruel—husband, how has my whole soul re- volted ! How can it be, I say to myself, that sensible men, who love their wives, will thus show, from day to day, their preference of every other place, and all other forms of society, to home and its inmates, and especially to the in- dividual who graces and inspirits that home ? I wonder not that woman sometimes be- comes petulant, that her brow becomes knit, her once prominent eyes sunk, her once smi- ling countenance overcast with clouds, and the angles of her mouth permanently depressed; the wonder is, that such distortion of the fea- tures—indicative, as it is, of the soul-torture which has so long been endured—does not occur oftener, and that the distortion is not greater. Nay, still more, I wonder often that she does not become absolutely desperate, and that the soul " raves not," though it be in vain, round the walls of her dark, " clayey tenement," a mis- erable and hopeless wreck of what was, and of what, but for her unwise and cruel lord, might still have been. This picture may be deemed, by many, exag- gerated. But as the Scripture assures us that the law was not made for the obedient and the holy, so may I say of these suggestions. I write 152 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. them not for the husband who is what he should be, but for him who, with common sense, and reason, and general discretion in all other mat- ters, acts on this subject—one of almost immeas- urable importance—like the veriest simpleton in the. universe. For it is not only the wife and those whom she is to influence by her temper, her 'feelings, and her conduct, that are injured; his own mind and feelings are contracted, and his own soul dwarfed and stinted, instead of being enlarged, and improved, and lifted heaven- ward. I see objects of pity wherever I go, in a world like this, but none which strike me as do wives who are widows; nay, worse than widows, who are married, and have a group of children around them, and yet have no hus- band, nor the children any father. What is to be thought of the father who is silent and absorbed, or, peradventure, unhappy, when there is nothing to excite his attention but home, and wife, and family, but whose eye at once brightens, and whose tongue loosens, when a neighbor comes in ; and who is still more cheerful, and happy, and talkative, and instruc- tive, when he gets among his companions, and sits in the midst of his wonted club of associates —men, perhaps, of coarse minds, and still EVENINGS AT HOME. 153 coarser manners ? Where is panting for prog- ress in such individuals ? Where is any " holy hope of nobler time to come " ? Where are the thoughts of a future retribution ?. Where, the expectation of hearing the glad sentence of, Come, ye blessed ? Would that such husbands—husbands I call them still, though they scarcely deserve the name—could see what I have seen, and see it with right tempers. I know that, at present, real domestic felicity does not interest them ; and that it even sometimes disgusts them. There are not a few who would turn aside from the picture I am going to present, as Milton's Satan did from the felicity which caught his eye in Eden, not with envy, but with absolute disgust. But I have seen, in a few instances, some- thing like domestic felicity, this side of Eden. I have seen bliss begun below. I have seen the dawn of heaven in this fallen world. I have seen, if not angels, at least angelic beings, even in the humble cottages of New England. True, like angelic visits, they are few and far between; but so long as one exists, it is but fair that I should describe it. What man has done, man may do. What one husband has been, all may be, at least to a much greater 154 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. extent than many stupid, enslaved beings, who bear the sacred name of husband, have ever yet supposed. I have known a husband who regarded home, not as a prison—a place of irksome restraint— and its inmates fellow-prisoners; but as a scene of the highest delight. He rose early in the morning, because happiness was before him; he planned for the day, because he rejoiced to com- municate good to those whom he loved; his heart was buoyant, because he was contented and happy—and his eye was brightest, his coun- tenance most smiling, his tongue most voluble, and his step quickest, not when a friend or a neighbor came in, but when he was doing most for his family, and had most of them around him. Or, if his wife was the only member of his fam- ily, he was most happy in her society. I do not mean that he slighted, or disregarded, or even undervalued, the society of friends and neigh- bors ; but his warmest feelings, his quickest thoughts, his sweetest smiles, his kindest words, and his quickest steps, were for his wife and his household. The season for partaking of meals was a peculiarly happy one; and was spent, not in bolting down a quantity of food, and then running—but in eating slowly, and enjoying both the food and the conversation. And when EVENINGS AT HOME. 155 obliged to leave home, for the sake of daily labor, or for business, it was done, not with the quickest step, and the most gladsome heart, but oftentimes with pain. To such a husband the hours of absence from his family pass slow. It is not at home that he looks, ever and anon, at the time-piece, wonder- ing why time gets along so slowly, and anxious to go—but when he is in the field, or in his shop, or abroad. It is then that he is liable to look demure, to sigh occasionally, and to think the hours long, and the company uninteresting and insipid. It is there, if any where, that he says little, or seems absent-minded. It is there, in short, if any where, that life seems to be a burden. But see the sun declining, and the shades of evening approaching. Though somewhat fatigued, his cheerfulness is not diminished ; it is even increased. He makes every reasonable exertion to bring the labors of the day to the earliest possible close. When completed, he does not go homeward like the ox to the slaugh- ter. He goes with alacrity and vigor; or, forget- ful, perhaps, of his fatigue, and of the forms of society, he runs rather than walks. Arrived at home, he meets again, with joy, his little family group, assembled in his earthly 156 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. paradise. Supper being over, the fireside felici- ties commence. They may be study; they may be conversation; they may be light work; they may be reading ; they may be story-tell- ing. No matter what,—at least, this is but a secondary consideration,—no matter to the wife, no matter to the children—so the father is present—so he presides in giving direction and life to the circle, as it is his bounden duty, and his highest happiness to do. To such a husband, and such a family, the presence of a neighbor, or a friend, or a news- paper, or a novel, or stimulating drinks, or fruits, or nuts, or songs, are by no means indispensable, however valuable some of these are, in them- selves considered. I repeat it, if the husband or the father—he who is truly so—is present, it is enough. Such a husband may, indeed, occasionally go abroad in the evening, both with and without his family, but it will always be with regret. He will prefer, were it equally for the general good, to remain at home. Home, I say again, is not only his castle, but his favorite place—his Eden. Here he prepares himself and others, by the discharge of the duties which devolve upon him, either as a husband or a father, for the great future—for the heaven of heavens, his EVENINGS AT HOME. 157 final habitation. Nay, more; here he begins to enjoy, if such joy ever falls to his lot, a little foretaste of that blessed abode. Every reader must be delighted with the beau- tiful excuse, which, among others, Sir Thomas More makes, why he did not publish his Utopia sooner. It shows us how important that great man considered an attentive performance of the minor duties of life to be. " Seeing that almost the whole day is devoted to business abroad," says he, " and the remainder of my time to do- mestic duties, there is none left for myself; that is, for my studies. For, on returning home, I have to talk with my wife, prattle with my children, and converse with my servants—all which things I number among the duties of life ; since, if a man would not be a stranger in his own house, he must, by every means in his power, strive to render himself agreeable to those companions of his life whom nature hath provided, chance thrown in his way, or that he has himself chosen." Reader, if thou art a husband— for, peradven- ture, some person not thus privileged may chance to cast an eye over these pages—if thou art a wretched slave of excitement, and dost not rel- ish the simple joys of home, regard the advice of one who is both a husband and a father, and 158 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. who, therefore, speaks from experience, when he urges upon thee a sacred regard to home, and the duties of home—and the love of spend- ing there the evenings which God hath given thee. They are given thee for thine advance- ment, and for the advancement of thy help meet —peradventure for the advancement of the pledges of your sympathy and love—in the paths of knowledge and holiness. If thou hast formed the pernicious habit of absenting thyself during these precious seasons, break from it, at once, as for thy life. It may, indeed, cost thee a hard struggle, but the battle must be fought, or thou art undone, and wilt be a means of undoing others. And thou, young man, just entering into those solemn bonds to which I allude, or who design- est, perhaps, ere long, to enter them—keep to thy resolution. It is not good for man to be alone. But remember, too, it is not good for woman to be alone. Beware how thou actest the part of a deceiver. Thou hast, I know, no intention to deceive. In the warmth of thy love, thou thinkest thou shalt continue to love, independent of any active efforts or exertions of thine. Thou hast not yet learned, it may be, that the true secret of preserving and increasing the flame of love, is to attach thyself, as closely EVENINGS AT HOME. 159 as possible, to the object of thy affection, and commence and continue a series of good offices to her. Do not think thy present love a fount that is inexhaustible. Do not suppose that love, through a long matrimonial life, will continue to flow in of itself. Thousands, indeed, make this fatal error. But beware of the rock on which they have split. If thou intendest to live long and happily with the wife of thy bosom, be in her presence as much as possible, so thou interferest not with her appropriate duties. Aid and assist her as much as possible; not alone in the larger, but in the smallest matters. Spend thine evenings with her, and delight to do so. Thou hast torn her from her native home, from the society she valued beyond all else on earth— thy worthless self perhaps excepted—and for what ? To make her, at once, an orphan and a widow ? To make her, not thy companion, intellectually and morally, but thy drudge ? Shame on thee, if thou hast a heart to a work Tike this ! Shame on thee, that thou hast it in thee not only to enslave, but to murder slowly the immortal spirit! But I will hope better things of thee. Thou hast yet the lineaments of a man. Thou art yet susceptible to sentiments of pity. Thy heart is not yet steeled to every virtuous and 160 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. holy sympathy. Thou wilt surely awake to the dignity of thy nature, and come to the rescue of\hat of thy help meet. The young husband will yet be the first to assist in loosing the chains that bind woman to the earth she treads on. He will yet assist in the most appropriate, most humane, most noble, I was going to say most evangelical work which is allotted to mortals below the sun—the work of female emancipa- tion and female elevation. CHAPTER X. EVENING REVIEWS. The Pythagoreans. Reviewing the events, &c. of the day The husband alone. The husband and wife. Benefits of this mutual exercise. Reflections. The Pythagoreans had it for one of their sacred rules, every day, at evening, to review, three times, the conduct of the day. If there were nothing else which we might profitably borrow from that ancient sect, it is this rule. Or, at least, it would be well for us, in all cir- cumstances, to review the thoughts, words, and actions of the preceding day. This is especially the duty of the young husband. He should examine himself alone. He should ask himself whether he has discharged his duty, in what pertains to the domestic constitution, or whether he has neglected those duties to his wife and family, which, being undone, can never be done. The duties and opportunities of to- day, once omitted, can never be done hereafter. 11 162 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. He who has right views, or even the beginning of right views, on this subject, will think often— especially at the sacred hours of evening—of his numerous obligations and responsibilities to his family, his neighborhood, his country, and his God. Has he performed every duty of the day, as he will wish he had done, when he becomes an inhabitant of eternity ? Has he faithfully labored, and prayed, at every step of his prog- ress, for the wisdom and disposition to act up to the dignity of his nature, and of his pecu- liar station ? Did he rise early, form a plan, and pursue it as closely as possible, the whole day ? Or did he go on, through the day, at hap-haz- ard? Was money, or office, or pleasure, his first thought in the morning, and the thought of every hour, from morning to night? Was there no vacant moment to think of himself, his wife, or his family—their physical, moral, anfj intellectual improvement ? Was there no wofd of instruction to drop, from time to time ? Has he been kind, in all his feelings, words, and actions ? Has there been no fretting, external or internal? It is true that internal fretting may not, in all cases, prove very injurious to others, if we are not in their company, though it is highly destructive to the health of the indi- EVENING REVIEWS 163 vidual himself. Still, it is not entirely uninju- rious even to others. The husband who is in a continual worry at his business, may affect to be cheerful and happy in society; but there is one who will be likely to detect the deep distemper, and, as his peace and happiness are dearer to her than her own, will be sure to be a sufferer. Has he done all he could, not only to avoid causing his companion or family pain, but to promote their comfort and happiness ? It is not enough, that there be no sallies of impatience, no seasons of fretting, and no storms of passion —it is not enough, I mean, for the Christian husband. The sunshine of perpetual cheerful- ness is demanded—and the action of perpetual good works. The whole intercourse of husband and wife should be a series of good actions__ and the good done should be mutual. If he has fallen from the perfection of human nature in any instance; if he has been guilty of neglect of any sort; if he has left to the wife to do what he ought to have done himself; if he has caused pain, by absence which was un- necesary, or which could have been, by more exertion, avoided; if he has, at any time, lost his temper, either at home or abroad; if he has been unkind or selfish ; if he has, in any respect, set a bad example, or by any form of miscon- i 164 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. duct pained the feelings of his best friends;—in short, if he has been guilty of a single infraction of that part of the second table of the moral law, which requires us to love our neighbor as ourselves, and which especially refers to, or in- cludes, our relative duties,—let him consider well the cause and the consequences of his error, and let him not only repent, but resolve to show the sincerity of his repentance by reformation. Let him not only resolve within himself to do this, but let him make the resolution in the fear of God. The engagement by which he became a husband, was made, or ought to have been, in this fear. Let every violation of duty, as a hus- band, be considered as the violation of a com- mand of God; let all repentance be to God; and let all resolutions of reformation—that better part of repentance—be also made in his fear. Let the whole be accompanied, moreover, by prayer. But solitary and self examination is not all which is required. There should be a season of mutual examination and reflection. What is the most appropriate hour for this mutual but important duty, I will not undertake to deter- mine. I only insist that it should be faithfully performed; that it should be extended to all the conduct, as well as to the behavior, of both EVENING REVIEWS. 165 husband and wife; and that the husband, for reasons which may be gathered from what has been said in former chapters, should take the lead in the exercise. What can be more pleasant—what more profitable—than this mutual review or examina- tion of the day ? Let it be, if the parties find it convenient, at going to bed. Let there be a special hour assigned to it, at all events, or it will, in all probability, be neglected or forgotten. It is so much against the current fashion of the world around, and so much against the tendency of the human heart, that, without a sort of habit- ual necessity of attending to it, there are nine chances in ten that it will not be persevered in. I would select the last half hour or hour before going to bed; because there would then be no sudden interruption from company. Those who prefer it, however, may make it the business con- versation at supper. It may take some time to render these exer- cises familiar to both parties; but I can assure the reader that they are exceedingly important and interesting. In this review, every error which either of the parties may have noticed in the other, during the preceding twenty-four hours, whether in physical habits, manners, morals, transaction of 166 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. business with others, religious exercises, &c, may be made the subject of free confession or^ remark. I would make the review exceedingly minute. I would extend it to the correction of all bad habits of body or mind, and to the correction of all improper pronunciation in conversation, reading, &c. And if I found half an hour too little for the purpose, I would extend it to one hour; or in time, if necessary, to two. And if it were made the last thing in the day, except devotional exercises, or even the last, I would so connect it with devotion as to make the lat- ter more appropriate, and the former more inter- esting and improving. It is impossible for me to conceive of a family exercise more useful, to mind and spirit, than this might be made, when entered into with all the heart, on the part of both husband and wife ; and I do most earnestly hope that many who read this work may be induced to try it. Regular studies are important; instructive con- versation is important; a thousand things in matrimonial life are important in the completion of the great work of self-education. But I know of no one thing like this. Perhaps, however, I am the more interested in this exercise, because it insures, to each of EVENING REVIEWS. 167 the parties, the full value of a real and true friend. Within the range of my own observa- tion and acquaintance, true friends have not been very numerous. Those who are called friends seldom remind us of our faults. They more frequently flatter, than attempt to mend us. Or, if any attempts of the latter kind are made, they are generally confined to the correc- tion of habits which are inconvenient to them- selves, rather than injurious to us. The experi- ence of others, however, may have been more favorable, in this respect, than my own. CHAPTER XI. IMPROVEMENT BY CONVERSATION. Conversation. Its importance. The human tongue. Abuses of the tongue, and of conversation. Written volumes of conversation. Conversation as a means of education. A capital error on this subject. Application of the doc- trines of the chapter. The book of life, and the last tribunal. An explanation. There are few things in life which are more liable to abuse than conversation. Though susceptible of being rendered one of the most valuable means of improvement—physical, so- cial, intellectual, moral, and religious—it may yet be made to exert an influence deteriorating and unhappy. It is, in short, one of the most powerful means, both of good and evil, which can be found in civic society. The tongue, says St. James, is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. Nothing can be more just than this charge of a holy apostle, if his remarks were intended to apply—as no doubt they were—to the mass of mankind. There is a strange, nay, an unaccountable propensity, IMPROVEMENT BY CONVERSATION. 169 in almost every state of society which the world has yet seen, to this abuse of the tongue. I cannot enter, in a work like this, on the various forms of tongue-abuse which prevail among us. Suffice it to say, that in nothing is the influence of a husband more needed than in keeping away this hydra. Not that females are peculiarly liable to that of which I am speaking, although a few good men have thought so. Their secluded condition, and the general silence which it involves, leads them, it is said, to be talkative when they go abroad; and " who talks much must talk in vain." The last charge involved in this statement is untrue. People sometimes talk much because they have much to say which is worth saying ; and among this class may be found some females. I know of no objection, in males or in females, to a fondness for conversation, and a rapid utterance, provided it is properly directed. Be this as it may, however, there is, in almost every family, a great deal of conversation in the course of twenty-five or thirty years. I have said, in another place, that many hus- bands seem to take no interest in the conversa- tions of home ; but even if they do not, the conversation usually goes on; and the most 170 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. taciturn circles afford a large supply of it in the course of a year. Let all this be recorded, and we shall find it to amount to some thousands of pages. Think, now, of twenty-five or thirty such large volumes. Think, however, of the character of their contents, as well as of the huge mass; and remember that all this motley collection of petty scandal, cold surmises, half sneers, and silly remarks, with the witty, wise, or instructive things, which, like oases in some vast desert, occasionally appear, is a means of educating not only the husband, but the wife; and not only the husband and the wife, but every other member of the family. Now, this mighty mass of material, equal to so many ponderous volumes—these lessons of daily and hourly education—derive much of their efficacy, for good or for evil, from the disposition and character of him who presides in the circle to which they owe their origin. His prerogative it is, in no small degree, to give a general direction to things, although the wife, it is acknowledged, is, after all, prime actor in the scene. He should labor to correct the style of con- versation. Those who converse with correct- ness will generally think with correctness; and those who converse and think well on ordinary, IMPROVEMENT BY CONVERSATION. 171 every-day topics, will seldom find it difficult to think and converse well every where in life. Nay, it might be added—and that, too, on good authority—that they who excel in conversa- tional powers, seldom fail of eloquence on those public occasions where this quality is demanded. And finally, those who converse and think well at home and abroad will generally write well. Grammar and composition, no less than a correct enunciation and a just pronunciation, together with defining, and the elementary parts or keys of numerous other branches, may not only be taught, but taught in the best and most practical manner, in the family circle—the husband being the superintendent, and the wife the teacher. Let not the reader vainly suppose, with cer- tain individuals of by-gone generations, or of a generation which will soon be gone by, that education is confined to a few of the early years of human life. We are always being educated, from the cradle to the tomb. Life itself is but a school for the life which is to come, beyond the grave. Even in matters pertaining to mere intellect, men have com- menced new studies, and made great progress in them, after sixty or seventy years of age. The names of Socrates, Plutarch, and Cato, 172 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. among the ancients, and of Johnson, Franklin, Dryden, Stiles, and others, among the moderns, are illustrious proofs of this fact. But if the intellectual part of man is capable of progress to the very verge of life, how much more the moral part! I do not expect to see the favored time when the present narrow-sighted, monkish views of education will be reversed; and yet such a thing may happen. The doctrine will not always prevail, that nothing but school in- struction in the early or juvenile period of life is worthy of the name of education; and that the daily concerns of common life have nothing to do with it. The time is not far distant, when it must and will be perceived that the educating processes go on, not only with more certainty, but even with more rapidity in the domestic circle than any where else. It is at rising, at bathing, at breakfast, in the society and familiar conversation of the hours between, at dinner, at supper—every where, in short, where we think little of it—that the work of human education, the forming of character, goes on most effectually. Let not this be read by the young husband as something which concerns others alone, but has no bearing on himself. Let him not forget that, IMPROVEMENT BY CONVERSATION. 173 from the hour of marriage, the work of educa- tion, both of himself and his companion, must go on; and that both parties must rapidly grow better or worse from day to day, and from hour to hour. There is—there can be—no standing still. I have spoken of the strange appearance which our conversation would make, were it recorded in volumes. Yet is there not just such a record as that to which I have alluded ? Are not the most trifling human words and actions written, as with a sun-beam, in the book of life ? And will it not be exhibited before assembled worlds? Should we not be ashamed to have a large proportion of our familiar conver- sation, in the domestic circle, read over before our neighbors ? And shall we feel less ashamed to have it read before the whole universe ? This matter should be fully and freely dis- cussed by the husband and wife, at an early period. Few wives will be backward to unite in a work so important as that of reforming— I should say, perhaps, sanctifying.—the daily conversation of the domestic circle. Not that we should never say a word which is not squared mathematically, or adjusted philosophically. Not, indeed, that there should be nothing done or said but what is just so grave or solemn. Not that 174 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. every thing should wear a sombre hue. Far enough from all this. The conversation which best answers to the idea of Him who said, " For our conversation is in heaven," is of a very different character. It is cheerful and free; yet it is pure, and chaste, and holy. It is the offspring of that "charity" which " beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, and endureth all things ; " and which " think- eth no evil." To such heavenly, yet not measured or gloomy conversation, let every young husband aspire. If she whom God has given to be with him is ready and able to cooperate, happy is he, and happy will be the consequences. But if not, still let him persevere. Let him neither tire nor faint. Patience, and diligence, like faith, remove mountains. There is hardly any thing which the man of decision and persever- ance—the husband especially—cannot accom- plish. Let him be faithful, then, till the end ; for in due season he shall—if he faint not— reap the reward of his labors. CHAPTER XII. LETTER-WRITING AND COMPOSITION. Uses of letter-writing. What individuals have the necessary leisure. How to redeem time for the purpose. The hus- band's example. Number of letters in a week. Why let- ter-writing and other composition is so much hated by the young. Four valuable purposes secured. Anecdotes of improvement by letter-writing. To those young husbands who have time and opportunity for so doing, few things, besides conversation, are better calculated to carry out the work of self-education than letter-writing. I say, " to those who have time and opportu- nity ;" for I have admitted, in former chapters, that the only leisure of some is at their meals, and during the evening. It is, of course, only the last mentioned of these seasons, which is available, in such cases, for the purpose of letter- writing ; nor is this always a favorable season to the laborer. He is often so much fatigued, in body or mind, or both, as to be better fitted for free and cheerful conversation than for any other duty. 176 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. And yet there are some who have leisure for correspondence with their friends. To the young wife, especially, in the circumstances in which she is often placed—separated suddenly from the whole circle of former friends—it is a source of pure and lasting enjoyment. But she sometimes needs encouragement. The hus- band should not only make such arrangements as will give her time for the employment, but should actually urge on her, if necessary, its importance. Do you ask how the husband can urge upon his companion a duty for which she has no time ? But is it true that there is any want of time? If her hours are taken up in giving and receiving formal calls, in reading novels, in attending to fashionable, but useless furniture, and preparing a thousand complicated dishes—and if she be, by herself, " maid of all work "—then time may be wanting. But she is not the truly enlight- ened and Christian wife, nor he the enlightened and pious husband, who follows, in this respect, the highest fashions, and, in order to appear as the friend of the world, becomes, in reality, the enemy of God. He who follows closely in the footsteps,of his Divine Master, will labor and pray for the refor- LETTER-WRITING AND COMPOSITION. 177 mation of a woman of fashion, provided he has selected such a one for a companion ; and en- deavor so far to free her from the slavery of the kitchen and the toilet, that sht may have time to do something for her immortal mind and spirit. Let the husband, if possible, set the example. Let him select a few choice correspondents, and write each a letter just so often—say once a month. This, if his correspondents amount to twelve, would be a letter once in two days. You will say, this will consume a great deal of time. So it may, at first, if a sheet is well and closely filled; but not afterward. A practised letter-writer will fill a sheet in an hour. It is not indispensable, however, that every sheet be full. The husband who writes three letters a week, may have the assurance to urge his wife to write two. This will give eight or nine choice friends a letter every month—the least number, in my view, that is allowable. The business of teaching composition is so miserably conducted, in many of our schools, that most young persons get wholly sick of it They are seldom required to do any thing of the kind till they arrive at a period of their studies 12 178 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. somewhat advanced, when they are suddenly expected to write on abstract topics, such as fashion, politeness, modesty, &c. Whereas, the true way is to accustom them, from the first, to put down their most common thoughts, from day to day, in writing. They should keep a little journal, write letters to their young friends, &c. In this way, they would not grow up to maturity with that dread of com- position, and of letter-writing among the rest, which most young ladies—even after marriage —are wont to feel. It is the simplest thing in the world to keep a journal; and, above all, to write a letter. Only think what you would say to your friend, to whom you are about to write, could you see him face to face, for half an hour or so; and then write down the very things—or nearly the very same— which you would say. Composing, whether for one purpose or another, is but talking on paper; nor is a different style required in the one case, from what is desirable in the other. We should learn to converse so well, on all occasions, that our remarks would look well on paper; and then, in writing, we should write just as we would say the same things in ordinary, but cor- rect conversation. Writing will thus improve LETTER-WRITING AND COMPOSITION. 179 conversation, and conversation fit us for further writing. He who liberates his companion from her school-girl reluctance to put her thoughts on paper, and leads her to the habit of using the important substitute for conversation, to which I have referred, in keeping up a delightful inter- course with her former circle of friends, will at once accomplish several valuable purposes. 1. He will discharge an important duty to his nearest and best earthly friend. He will also do much towards fulfilling his vows. The marriage engagement is but poorly fulfilled when the husband contents himself with merely feed- ing the body, with provision ever so ample, if, at the same time, he allows the spirit to starve or perish. Letter-writing to my friends, with its attendant expense of time and money, I deem as much a necessary of life, as bread to eat, or raiment to put on. 2. He will add, beyond conception, to her happiness. Correspondence with friends—when prosecuted for many successive years—is a source of the purest earthly pleasure; and I pity those who, with ample materials always at hand, never relished, because they have so sel- dom tasted, this pleasure. 180 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. 3. He contributes, largely, to her improve- ment. Though her scientific attainments be ever so respectable, yet, without the love and habit of letter-writing", she is, comparatively, a mere infant in knowledge. But letter-writing, diligently pursued for many years, will bring into requisition and render practical all previous scientific acquirements, and cause the mind to expand, as well as fill and warm the soul. 4. He is taking the surest course to effect his own improvement. First, by the example he sets ; and, secondly, by the light and heat which are imparted to himself. It is impossible for the wife to go on from strength to strength in knowl- edge and happiness, without affecting the hus- band by the change. Grant, if you please, that woman is the inferior; that, like the moon, she borrows all her light; yet, who is there among us that does not value her brightness ? Who is he that, in a world of so much darkness, would not increase rather than diminish her influence? I have seen immense good done, in the way of self-education and self-improvement, by let- ter-writing. I have known individuals, in one or two instances, to acquire almost all the men- tal discipline, and much of the knowledge which is usually obtained at our higher seminaries, by LETTER-WRITING AND COMPOSITION. 181 a mere course of familiar letter-writing, begun in youth, and prosecuted diligently, to years of maturity. And I have read of well-accredited instances of the same kind. Something of this sort may be found in Ramsay's History of the American Revolution. But to no persons are these exercises more pleasant or more profit- able than to the young husband and wife; and I entreat every young husband, who has not yet thought much on the subject, to give it a few moments of reflection. CHAPTER XIII. KEEPING A JOURNAL. Acquaintance of the husband and wife. Before marriage. After marriage. Private journals for mutual benefit. Character of a journal. Particular directions. Compared with mutual reviews. Why the journal is preferable. Difficulties, how met. Closing directions. If it is important to the husband and wife to become intimately acquainted with each other's character at as early a period as possible after marriage ; then, whatever facilitates this object is, to both parties, worthy of careful consider- ation. " Become acquainted with each other's char- acter!" some reader will, perhaps, exclaim. " Do people come together in matrimonial life without being acquainted with each other? Pray what is the business of courtship—pro- tracted as it often is—but to get acquainted ? " My reply, in the first place, is, that unhappily the period of courtship is not usually protract- ed ; on the contrary, it is, for the most part, among us, a hurried affair—the work of a few KEEPING A JOURNAL. 183 months, or at most of a year or two. In the second place, it is seldom made the business of courtship, whether the period is longer or shorter, to become acquainted. This assertion may seem strange to some; but it is never- theless true. People may, indeed, and often do, become slightly acquainted with each other's faces, dress, gait, &c. ; but very seldom with their purposes, thoughts, tastes, and feelings. Much of the latter—I repeat it—is, for the most part, to be done after marriage. Now, I know of nothing in the wide world which lets us into a person's thoughts, feelings, preferences, habits, views, and purposes, like the perusal of his private journal—provided, however, such a journal is what it should be. I have, indeed, seen private journals—things, I mean, which bore the name—which would be of no more service in giving one an insight of the individual by whom they were written, than the mass of ordinary conversation would be in giving us a true knowledge of the persons from whom it emanated. What does it reveal to me of a person's character to know that he went from New York to Albany in a steamboat; that it was a beautiful boat; had on board so many passengers, and was so many hours in making the passage ; and that he arrived at Albany at 184 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. such an hour, and put up at such a hotel, in such or such a street ? I do not say that such infor- mation may not be interesting, and in its place valuable ; but what does it show me of the person who wrote it ? Suppose I were to read such a journal as this, made up of dry occur- rences and notes of places—nay, even of important statistical, or geological, or geograph- ical facts—and suppose it were extended to a thousand pages ; of what use would it be to me, in gaining a knowledge of the true character of the writer ? It might, indeed, prove him to be a man of science—profoundly so. Still it would not tell me whether he was a red man or a white man, a foreigner or an American, a selfish or a benevolent man. The very father of bad men and bad deeds—the very adversa- ry of truth and happiness himself—might, for aught I know, write a scientific or polished journal. In fact, there are journals to be found which the most vicious and unprincipled might have written, without the revelation of their true characters. But a private journal—to let us into the character of the journalist—must be something very different from all this. It must contain something more than what a person sees ; it must also tell us what he does. Nay, it must KEEPING A JOURNAL. 185 not only inform us what is seen and done, but what is thought, felt, purposed, desired, &c. These things it is that reveal to us the charac- ter of the writer, and are of real service to those who would study human nature. It is on this principle—if any—that husbands and wives should keep journals. I would not give much for the dry detail of common jour- nalizing. I have, it is true, admitted that even such journals are profitable to the party who writes them, but not to the other party. If a husband and wife are fully set on mak- ing matrimony a school for the formation of the best specimens of human character, I advise each to keep a journal; one worthy of the name. I advise them to set about it as a business, and to pursue it for life. There is no other apology for the neglect of it, by those who are duly convinced of its importance, but the want of time. Nor are there many, with whom this is really an objection, were they wise and eco- nomical. We waste scraps enough of time, every day, to answer the purpose of which I am speaking, could they be redeemed. But in recommending this course to husband and wife both, I am departing a little from the plan I had prescribed for myself; and will therefore return. 186 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. The young husband who sincerely desires to derive every possible advantage from matrimo- nial life, and who is well informed in regard to the means of doing so, will, in short, keep a daily journal. In this journal he will record not only his observations,^5Tit his reflections; not only what he has done, but what he has left undone, which he intended to have done; not only his purposes for the future, but his regrets in regard to the past; not only his expectations, but his misgivings ; not only his hopes, but his fears; not only his virtues, but, to some extent, like Rousseau, his vices. I am not sure that such a journal,.faithfully and perseveringly kept, by both parties for the benefit of both, might not serve the purposes of journal and review; though, for my own part, I should prefer to enjoy the benefits of both. In a4 world where the general current of things is downward, not excepting the married state, I am extremely anxious to bring every influence to bear upon character, which can possibly have a favorable tendency. Perhaps, however, the parties concerned in the improvement of each other's minds and hearts, will get nearer each other—if I may so express it—through the medium of a journal, than by means of familiar conversation and KEEPING A JOURNAL. 187 mutual reviews. These last are exceedingly valuable ; but the former are, if possible, more than valuable ; they are indispensable. There is a certain backwardness—better known than accounted for—on the part of husband and wife, intimate as the relation is, to express the inmost feelings, and desires, and purposes, and regrets, in conversation ; and this, too, when the fullest confidence is felt that it will not come before the world. But in a private journal, even though the danger of exposure is somewhat increased, we express our inmost feelings with less reserve. But I have alluded to this in another place. One great difficulty in this matter is—as in all other matters bearing upon the improvement of that character whose tendency is too often downward—to make a beginning. Let the husband but fairly begin the work, and it is half done. He who is deeply enough con- vinced of the importance of the practice to pursue it one month, will be likely to continue it longer; and he who pursues it one year, will be likely to pursue it for life. A still greater difficulty, however, which has been adverted to in the chapter on letter- writing, is to get over the feeling—for it is a 188 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. feeling rather than an opinion—that written thoughts must be in a different style from con- versation, even though the latter were of the purest, most correct, and most chastened kind ; and that composing is immeasurably more dif- ficult than talking. Whereas, the truth is—and every body knows it, who has made the. experi- ment—that it is just as easy and just as agree- able to write our thoughts as to speak them. I repeat this sentiment, because it is one of great importance ; and is applicable to almost every young husband. There is not one in a hundred who has not felt the discouraging influence of the schools in this respect, and who will not rejoice to have the prison-doors of his soul— when he is about to compose a letter or write a page in his journal—set open. Let him then recall the thoughts, desires, failures, sins, &c. of the day; and let him put them down just as they occur ; I mean as respects order. Pains in regard to style should be taken, more than in conversation; because he has more time in which to do it. One word more. There must be set times for such a work as this, or it will never be done. Or if there are none but shreds of time to be devoted to it, there must be a strong, and firm, KEEPING A JOURNAL. 189 and unwavering resolution—formed into a hab- it—to seize these as they pass. And, lastly, there must be no reluctance to submit the record to the inspection of the individual for whose benefit—next to that of ourselves—it was written. CHAPTER XIV. PERIODICAL PUBLICATIONS. A choice selection to be made. Religious papers. Organs of parties and associations. Secular papers. Editors with principle. Editors without principle. Caution. Apology. A choice selection of periodical publications —both secular and religious—seems indispensa- ble, as the world now is; and cheap as these vehicles of information now are, most families, who are economical, have it in their power to obtain them. The idea so often advanced by men whose hearts are set on things of far less value than mental or moral improvement, that they cannot afford to take a periodical of any sort, cannot be admitted. I know not how the husband who wishes to discharge his whole duty—to his wife, among the rest—can think of dispensing with the perusal—for himself or his family—of at least one of the better sort of family magazines; such, I mean, as dwell on subjects of great and lasting importance to the well-being of the do- PERIODICAL PUBLICATIONS. 191 mestic constitution, and to all the happiness which pertains to the social state. Some work on health and physical improve- ment, generally, seems to me very necessary ; and there are a thousand things in such general use in families, as to be deemed indispensable, which could far better be spared than either this, or a journal, or magazine, on general education. The subject of education, in all its varied de- partments, physical and moral, every wise head of a family will study with intense interest, as well as direct to it the attention of his household. As to papers which are the organs of parties, or particular associations, let their purposes be ever so pure and benevolent, I shall say nothing. The advice I give is intended for every body, rich or poor, who can, by the closest economy, contrive to follow it. Those who are able to patronize the organs, records, &c. of benevolent associations, will make their own selection. Every husband, however, whether he enter deep into the politics of the day or not, must needs have some political paper. It ill becomes us to live under a government like this, and yet be ignorant of its proceedings. There is also a vast amount of secular intelligence, not only domestic but foreign, which should find its way into every family. 192 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. In selecting family papers, however, of this description, there is great difficulty. There are comparatively few in the country which are morally unexceptionable. There are few which are under the direction of men of strong and deep moral feeling. There are few, indeed, of those who control our periodical press, who per- form their task in the fear of God. I do not mean to say that there are not hun- dreds of editors in our country, even of politi- cal and miscellaneous papers, whose general intention is to love and serve God. But what I complain of is, that they forget, so generally, that they are to serve God, in the preparation of the columns of a newspaper. They will admit, no doubt, the general truth of the propo- sition that, whether we eat or drink, or whatso- ever we do, we should do all to the glory of God; but they overlook it in practice. They remember that the eye of God is upon them in the church, at the domestic altar, and in the closet, but they seem to act as if they supposed that eye did not overlook them in their ordinary occupations. Not that editors are alone, how- ever, in this respect; the remark will apply, as a general fact, to the whole Christian world. Where editors can be found who make it a point to consider their responsibility to God, I PERIODICAL PUBLICATIONS. 193 should like to see their papers extensively patron- ized. But how few of those who conduct our pe- riodical press ever ask themselves the question, Will this article—this advertisement of some the- atrical performance, perhaps, or this account of the conduct or detection of some abandoned vil- lain—will it promote the public good ? or, Will it be in accordance with the will of God ? And yet they ought to do this. They ought to remem- ber that their papers are a most powerful means of forming the morals of their readers; the more powerful in their effects, perhaps, because they make no such pretensions. The religious paper is expected to be a teacher, and we are therefore on our guard, in a greater or less de- gree, to prevent its exerting an undue influence over us. But the newspaper, as we are accus- tomed to think, has nothing to do with influen- cing our moral and religious opinions; and there- fore the more surely do its lessons make an impression. There are papers among us which, so far as the news of the day is concerned, merely, are most admirably conducted. You may always find in them the freshest and the most accurate intelli- gence, and at the earliest possible period. In short, as mere business papers, they are among 13 194 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. the best I know in the cities to which they respectively belong. And yet I would sooner have a Bohon Upas in my house than one of them. Not the pestilential breath of a thou- sand pestiferous shrubs and trees—no, nor the more extensively destructive sirocco—is for one moment to be compared with them. The one destroys the body only; the other destroys the soul. Let me be understood on this point. Many family papers admit for money—I have exam- ples of the kind now before me—the most viti- ating advertisements which could possibly be introduced. There is no vice nor crime which the open and unwary youth—not to say the more wary adult—could not learn from the per- petual detail of their pages. If vice and crime are not commended, they are seldom spoken of with disapprobation. ' Nay, they are laughed at as specimens of wit, or craft, or wise manage- ment. In a word, they are so presented, that they invite rather than repel; and ere we are aware, we have not only " pitied" but " em- braced." Indeed, I know of but few editors of common miscellaneous papers, who make it a point to consider well the tendency of all the articles they are about to admit to their columns, PERIODICAL PUBLICATIONS 195 and either reject them entirely, or present them in such a manner as will be likely, if not to do the most good, to do the least harm. Let those who believe in the influence of these little messengers to form the morals of the rising generation—who perceive the tendency, even, which they exert on their own character— how their sentiments entwine themselves silently, but therefore the more surely, around their own hearts—let such persons, I say, beware what they admit to their family circles, in the shape of newspapers. Let them remember their responsibilities. Let them remember their ac- countability to coming generations, and to God. Better never have a common newspaper in their families, than to have one which is silently under- mining their own morals, and vitiating the taste and corrupting the morals of their wives and children. I would not have dwelt so long on this pain- ful topic, had I not known that there was a necessity for so doing. I believe, most con- scientiously, that the kind of newspapers to which I have referred, is preaching immorality and irreligion in our country faster than an equal number of godly preachers, of any denomination which could be mentioned, can build up morality and piety. With such a belief, what can I do, 196 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. but warn the young husband ? He has not yet committed himself. He is yet a free man. When he has become the patron of a particular paper, he will find many temptations to continue to receive what he does not wholly approve. But no such temptations now exist. Let him consider well the whole subject. Newspapers are instruments of great power for good or for evil; and I scarcely know of any thing from which I could hope more—the Bible alone ex- cepted—should their influence ever come to be wielded by millennial Christians. CHAPTER XV. BOOKS AND STUDY. General prejudice against books. Example of this preju- dice. Attempt to remove it. Particular cautions to the young husband. How much may be read at one hour a day. Enumeration of subjects for study. Study of edu- cation. Domestic economy. Mere reading. The art of educating. I have dwelt at such length on books and study in " The Young Wife," that I am quite at a loss what to say to the young husband, which shall not subject me to the charge of mere repetition. Perhaps the better way would be to refer him, at once, to that work. But as there are some points not therein fully developed, to which I wish to direct his particular attention, I will not pass the subject over entirely. It is one of very great importance, not only to the husband and wife, but through them to the world. There is frequently a prejudice against books in our community—and of course among the read- ers of a work like this—which I should be glad to do something towards removing; for unless 198 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. it is done, I have great reason to fear all I can say will be in vain. Robert Hall thinks that truth resides chiefly with what he calls the common people ; and I have sometimes enter- tained a similar sentiment; and hence it is the very class, of whom, when I write, I have always most hopes. If there is not truth and common sense among them, as a class, they are to be found no where. They certainly dwell not to a very great extent at courts, or in the mansions of the luxurious; nor are they so often found among those whose extreme poverty ren- ders them both wretched and abject. It is —I repeat it—the industrious and busy mass of the world for whom I write, and not for the extremes of society—the very high or the very low. But not to keep the reader longer in sus- pense—there is a very general impression , abroad among this very best portion of civic society, that book-knowledge of any sort is mere theory; whereas it is practical knowledge that is wanted. There is, therefore, a frequent dis- like to books and study. How this belief arose, I will not undertake to determine ; though I am well assured nothing can be more incorrect. Books, like men—for they are written by men—are imperfect, no BOOKS AND STUDY. 199 doubt. There are also some books—like some men—wild, extravagant, or silly; and not a few which are filled with mere theory—the offspring, perhaps, of a heated imagination. It is, indeed, practical knowledge that is wanted, every where ; but I believe books are as practical as men. Nor is it books alone that abound in theory ; nor does all experience dwell outside of book-covers. No prejudice is stronger, perhaps, than that which is abroad against what are called book- farmers. Give us farmers who are experienced, we are told;—we want none of your mere theorists. But what is book-knowledge, on agriculture ? I speak now of the works of standard authors; not of those which are rejected by all intelli- gent men as useless or spurious. What, indeed, but the very best of human experience on this im portant subject ? All science—all true science, I mean—whether in agriculture or any thing else—is the result of experience. Not of the narrow, or one-sided, or partial experience of a few individuals, in particular circumstances; but of the experience of the mass of the world in all ages. It is, or ought to be—yes, it often is, in most sciences—the universal experience of the world, with the coarser, refuse parts sifted 200 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. out. Whereas, what is called experience—the insulated experience of individuals—is no more entitled to the name of experience, than was the conduct of the man who carried the stone in one end of the bag which was slung across his horse's saddle, and the wheat in the other, and who, when urged to throw away the stone and divide the grain, alleged, as a reason for not complying with the advice, that his father and grandfather had always carried their grain thus, and he believed it was the only correct way; having tested it by experience. Just such is the most of that which is claimed by the mass of book-haters to be experience, in opposition to what they consider as the mere theories of books. Let the young husband therefore get rid, as soon as possible, of a very prevalent dislike to books, and an unreasonable leaning on that which is not entitled to the name of experience. Let him try to consider what books are; and having formed a proper general estimate of their contents, let him resolve to become acquainted with them. I do not say, let him resolve to become acquainted with every book; far enough from that. But there are some sciences which many husbands ought not to be ignorant of; and with which, if they have not informed themselves BOOKS AND STUDY. 201 before marriage, they should endeavor to be- come acquainted afterward. Or, if both husband and wife were even familiar with all the knowl- edge of the best schools, there would be a ne- cessity of reviewing it, from time to time. An hour spent, every week-day, in the mutual study of some favorite science, would amount, of course, to three hundred and thirteen hours in a year. At ten pages an hour, this would carry a person through with three thousand one hundred and thirty pages a year ; which would be equal to ten or twelve ordinary volumes. And are there not many husbands and wives who can find an hour for this purpose every day? It is true that ten pages an hour is a progress so rapid as to give little, if any, time for con- versation, explanation, illustration, or review. But if it were only five pages a day, five good- sized volumes might be studied every year, and fifty every ten years. Is not this a matter of some consequence ? Among the subjects which seem to me to have peculiar, but universal claims, are ge- ography, civil history, composition, drawing, natural history, ecclesiastical history, or at least the Bible, chemistry, anatomy, physiology, 202 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. health, or hygiene, natural philosophy in some of its branches, moral philosophy, geology, po- litical and domestic economy, and education. One or more of the best treatises on each of these subjects, every husband and wife ought, in the course of the few first years succeeding marriage, to read over Carefully together—be- sides much that might be called miscellaneous reading. I must especially urge on the youthful heads of a rising family the study of education—I mean now, not self-education, but the education of others. It is for this purpose, principally, that I beg them to become acquainted with anatomy, physiology, and hygiene. Anatomy teaches the structure of the body, viewed merely as a work of ingenious mechanism. Physiology is the study of the body, living and acting; and the laws and rules by which it lives and acts. Hygiene, or the laws of health, shows us how the circumstances in which living be- ings are placed affect the living machinery, and promote or injure its healthful action. No young parents can properly educate—bring up —their children, without this knowledge. It must, in the present state of society, be obtained by them, or they run the risk, at every step, of BOOKS AND STUDY. 203 sowing in their offspring the seeds of numerous diseases, to spring up, sooner or later, and injure or destroy. But it is not these three branches alone, which should be studied as a means of knowing how to educate. Moral philosophy and the Bible are at least equally indispensable. We need to know something of the nature of mind and soul, as well as body; and how the mind and soul are affected, not only by the body, but by other influences. In short, to repeat what I have already asserted, our education—self-education and the education of others—is an immense work ; the work of life. Domestic economy— including, as a highly-important part, the busi- ness of selecting and furnishing to the young, clothing, shelter, food, drink, exercise, recrea- tion, &c, in proper quality and quantity, is principally important, for the sake of develop- ing and directing, in due proportion, the mental and moral faculties. The mere health and per- fection of the body are of comparatively little consequence. If bread ought to be the staff of life, and if good bread is seldom prepared, and still more seldom much relished, the evils to be complained of are, not so much that the physical organism does not play so well or 204 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. so long as it otherwise would, as that the mind does not so well perform its offices, nor the soul attain its perfection or end. It is indeed in the same view, principally, that I would recommend the study of almost any subject, at any age—but particularly during the first years of matrimony. To read and study for the sake of mere reading and study, or, rather, for the mere gratification it affords, though harm- less, and I might say noble employment, com- pared with a thousand others, is yet but a higher sort of sensuality, or more elevated selfishness. Not that the pleasure of reading and study are to be despised at all; but we are to look higher at the same time, and consider the true ends at which we should aim. The art of educating, of which the com- munication of knowledge is only a mere branch, has never yet received a tithe of the attention its importance appears to me to demand; nor is it till within a few years that its importance—as an art which could be studied—seems to have been at all recognized. I think the time will come—must come—in the history of the world we live in, when the art of educating the young will be as much studied, not merely by teachers, but by every body, as the art of reading or BOOKS AND STUDY. 205 writing. I wish the young husband, whose ob- ject it is to do his duty in life, without much reference to fashion, would consider this matter. I wish he would endeavor to find out how it will probably be regarded in those millennial times to which we are all looking forward, and try to govern himself accordingly. CHAPTER XVI. NOVEL-READING. General character of novels. Not wholly bad. Why they should be rejected. Novels of Bulwer. Great influence of fictitious writings. Objections to the views here ad- vanced. The author's method of defending them. I wish most novels—properly so called— were banished from society. Not that they are wholly bad, but because we have already a toler- able supply of better books; and should proba- bly soon have a supply still more ample, if this trash were out of the way. For—to use language which every New Englander will understand— who wishes to be always collecting cents and dimes, when he might just as well gather dollars? But this is not all. I have admitted that novels are not altogether bad, without mixture of good, because I very well know that multi- tudes do actually derive an inferior sort of men- tal sustenance from them. And yet 1 think their tendency, as a whole, is decidedly un- happy. If the excellency of novels, as some NOVEL-READING. 207 of their friends maintain, consists in their re- semblance to real life, then why should we not have the real life itself? Why resort to or encourage fictitious writings, when the world is so full of that reality which is acknowledged, on all hands, to be preferable ? There is no want of incident, or even of what might be called romance, in real life;—nay, there is even not a little, oftentimes, of the marvellous. Let us then—especially those of us who are heads of families, or who are destined to be such—resolve to encourage narrative, biography, travels and voyages, manners and customs, &c, and let alone fiction. But are there not a few novels which it would be well for husbands and wives to read, to- gether ? I may be asked. The writings of Bul- wer may be mentioned, perhaps, as an example. And yet the North American Review, in the number for April, 1838, lashes that writer with very great severity. I will not say that the remarks of the critic are, in every respect, just; but they are more just than I wish they were, especially such as the following. " Pirates, highway robbers, thieves, and mur- derers, are the heroes, and kept mistresses the heroines. They may say that they represent these personages as warnings, rather than as 208 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. models ; but what signify professions of this sort, when the fortunes of a ragamuffin, with a dirk in his belt, or of a reprobate in a fashionable coat, are followed with a grave solicitude, through a long series of extravagant adventures and surprising achievements in his line, to which all other events and interests are merely collat- eral and subordinate ? It is the spirit and prin- ciples of his woj^is to extol what is diabolical, and elevate what is contemptible; and accord- ingly to degrade what is worthy and estimable." Another highly respectable reviewer calls him a mountebank writer! But if Bulwer's novels are objectionable, whose are not? And will professors of the religion of Jesus Christ read such authors ? Will parents read them ? Will they set an example of such reading ? Would any Christian parent wish to have his children read Bulwer ? When will the time arrive when the parent will understand how much himself, his compan- ion, his children, yea, the world of mankind, are educated by such miserable productions as the vast majority of the fashionable novels of our day ?—that the deeper, too, the interest of these works, the deeper and more permanent, in too many instances, are the stains inflicted on character; and the greater the mental and spir- NOVEL-READING. 209 itual degradation ? I would that every young husband, whatever may be the wishes of his companion—though, by the way, she should certainly be consulted in these matters, as well as in all others—might be induced to banish from his house every book calculated to do injury to moral character, from the wild, pro- fane, or monstrous stories of Gulliver or Robin- son Crusoe, to the more refined^ Eugene Aram, Pelham, and Paul Clifford. One individual, to whom were submitted the preceding paragraphs, says I am too severe : and that some of the works of Walter Scott and our own countrymen, Cooper and Irving, for example, are certainly, on the whole, salutary But I feel assured my friend is mistaken. Hit mistake has arisen, in all probability, from tht fact that the works of these writers did not have any perceptible bad tendency on his own mind and heart. That is, he has read novels, and yet remains a good man in spite of their influence. As well, on the same principle, might the mod- erate dram-drinker—now seventy years of age —contend that spirit-drinking is salutary. Can it be, he would probably ask, that the good old Madeira, and the sparkling Champagne—nay, even the aged Cogniac—which have so often made glad the heart of man, are really and 14 210 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. essentially of evil tendency ? But he forgets that the same exciting property which exists in the Madeira and the Champagne, destroys—for want of moral principle to restrain—with every daily revolution of the sun, its hundreds, and every year its hundred thousand; and that he who comes the nearest to being a temperate man, and yet sets an example of the use of alcohol in any form, as a common beverage, is-— unawares, perhaps, but yet really so—the great- est encourager of intemperance. Just as the most moral man, who yet practically lives with- out God in the world—not acknowledging him at all—is, by his example, the greatest en- courager of irreligion. The best novel, and the best man who reads it, unless I am greatly mistaken as to the tendencies of things in a world like this, must account for the largest share of the moral turpitude which novel-read- ing produces. CHAPTER XVII. THE SABBATH. General utility of the Sabbath. Its importance to the social system. The Sabbath in families. Loss from its neglect Having a plan for Sunday. Particular items. Reading. Lying in bed late. Heavy dinners, and Sunday visiting. A distinguished writer on health has gone very far in endeavoring to show that the Sab- bath, as Protestant Christians are accustomed to keep it, or, rather, as they hold it ought to be kept, has an unfavorable influence on the public happiness. Some of the ordinances and customs usually connected with it he would banish altogether; others he would modify; this he would cut off; that he would abridge. In short, if I understand his views, he would reduce this sacred day to a mere holiday ! He would have exercises in the forenoon, perhaps, such as might improve the intellect—scientific lectures, chemical or philosophical experiments, &c.—and the afternoon he would devote to social visits and general recreation. 212 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. Now, I have very different views of the Christian Sabbath. Liberal or illiberal, latitudi- nous or bigoted, as I may be deemed, I regard the method of keeping this day, which has ob- tained among the more intelligent in Scotland and New England, as having a most happy tendency on society in every point of view— physical, intellectual, social, and moral. I wish, therefore, that every one who is begin- ning to look upon himself as the head of a family, would consider well the influence of this corner-stone—for such I certainly may call it— of our social and moral edifice. I wish he could believe, as I do, (not because I believe it, but because the Creator appears to me to have incul- cated the doctrine,) that this is the hinge on which every thing else in the social and civil world turns; and that Israel or Amalek—happi- ness or misery—will prevail just in proportion as this institution is supported by his efforts and example. If such were the full practical belief of a young friend of mine, I would say to him—Let your example, in all your household arrange- ments, correspond fully with your belief. See that you reverence God's Sabbaths. True, though they are God's, they were made, like all things else below the sun, for your use; and THE SABBATH. 213 this is the very reason why I urge a faithful and proper use of them. What you see to be not only the duty of all men, but for the interest of all men, is, of course, your duty, and for your interest. The world is made up of individuals, and you are one of them. I do not say, indeed, that I would have you keep the Sabbath in precisely the same way that your father or your grandfather did. This is not my meaning. I only mean that you ought to reverence it at least as much as they did, and keep it with the same strictness, in some way or other. But in order to keep it with strictness, and to make the most of it, you must have some plan. Half the Christian men and women in the world —men and women in size, I mean—remain chil- dren in religious knowledge, and merely totter along the path of life, instead of walking up- rightly and firmly, simply because they do so little on this day. If they happen to have their work planned for every other day of the week besides Sunday, they have, at any rate, no plan for keeping that. It comes and goes, and with it certain duties—regarded perhaps as a mere routine—come and go. If we happen to hear a good sermon, or join in some melting prayer, the Sabbath may leave us better than it found us; 214 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. but if otherwise, we may only be by so much nearer the judgment-seat of Christ, with one lost day more to account for, than we had the previous evening. The remedy for this hap-hazard method of spending the Sabbath, is to form a plan, and ad- here to it. I will not say that the plan should never be changed ; but until it be changed, let its restrictions (as in any other case of forming rules and restrictions for our own government) be, like the laws of the ancient Medes and Per- sians, irrevocable. I have, it is true, recommend- ed a plan for every day of the week ; but here, in relation to the Sabbath, it is indispensable. Such an hour should be assigned for rising; such a one for breakfast; such and such for reading, conversation, catechism, &c.' The length of time to be spent at each meal should always be fixed; and should in no ordinary circumstances be departed from. I am thus particular in insisting on the necessity of adher- ing to the plan we form, because I know, too well, the downhill tendency of human nature in these matters. The kind of reading—the books and periodi- cals to be used—should all be determined on beforehand. The conversation—the topics at least—should also be settled. In short, every THE SABBATH. 215 thing should be done, which can be done, to spend the day, as Paul would say, to the honor and glory of God. The custom of lying in bed late in the morn- ing on Sunday, and sometimes of lying in bed much during the day, is highly objectionable in every point of view; but especially so to those who profess to bear the image of Jesus Christ. I think no sensible woman would object, for one moment, to the suggestions of a kind hus- band on the necessity of having a plan in regard to the Sabbath, and following it out with some good degree of faithfulness. Woman has not usually been backward in matters of this kind, so far as I have observed ; I mean when once suggested by the husband. Before I conclude my remarks under this head, I must mention one more abuse of the Sabbath. I allude to the custom which is becom- ing prevalent—at least to some extent—among the fashionable; that of turning this holy day into a day of feasting. Dinners, especially— sometimes suppers—it is thought by many, must be a little extra, at least if friends are to be present. Now, I object to the custom of having visit- ors on Sunday; but if this were admissible, there is no necessity for any special preparation. 216 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. I remember taking a meal, one day, at the inter- mission of church services, with a distinguished clergyman in New England, which consisted solely of bread and butter. Here was no long process of cookery, and no detention of domes- tics ; and although people may gormandize on plain bread and butter, they are not very apt to do so. Those Sunday dinners, which cause so much sleeping in churches, and which prevent any good from being obtained by most of those who are only drowsy, are usually made up of something more complicated and more stimu- lating. These same dinners are also of late charged with being one cause of bronchitis in ministers. They are said to make people so stupid, that they will not hear without great exertion is made for the purpose; and this extra exertion, it is added, paves the way for disease. Whether this notion is, or is not, well founded, I do not undertake to decide. In any event, let the young husband who wishes to use the Sabbath as not abusing it—in the way God intended it should be used by his creatures—resolve on permitting no unnecessary processes of cookery, and no errors in regard to quantity or quality of food or drink, whenever they can be prevented without interfering with the proper free agency of those about him. THE SABBATH. 217 Let him make, and abide by the resolution once made by an eminent man—" As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." But he who serves God on the Sabbath, in the man- ner which was probably contemplated by the Author of the day, cannot, at the same time, " serve tables." This table-service is as injuri- ous to Christianity as open infidelity. CHAPTER XVIII. PARTICULAR FRIENDS. Becoming a husband. Duties to old friends. Duties to the friends which are acquired. Unkindness to a wife in this matter. Its consequences.' In becoming a husband, a person does not cease to be a man or a citizen. Neither does he wholly dissolve any natural or acquired ties. He only adds a new one to those which formerly existed—one which is so far from annulling any of those which previously existed, that it imparts to them a lustre unknown before. Nor is this unexpected to him who knows any thing of human nature, or who regards the matrimonial state as a school for completing the education of the parties. It is no part of good scholarship to acquire indifference to the play- mates with whom we were born and nurtured. Neither is he a good scholar in the matrimonial school, who forgets, or learns to regard with indif- ference, his former friends. It is indeed true, that the person who becomes PARTICULAR FRIENDS. 219 the head of a family, will find far less time than before to devote to his old friends. This will be still more obvious when it is considered that, along with a companion, he acquires a new list of intimates. Still, as a general rule, every one has time to show, in one way or another, that none of the old are forgotten, and none of the new undervalued. One of the most unkind things a husband can do, is to neglect or despise the friends whom he has acquired, or ought to have acquired, by marriage. I have it not in my heart to blame the individual who looks well to the character of those who are likely to be his associates, before he has carried the work of courtship very far. But when, in view of the whole case, a marriage engagement has been made, let this whole matter be settled forever. The wife's friends, whoever they are, and however numer- ous, should be as much the friends of the hus- band, and be treated as kindly, as if they had been his own intimates from birth. As nothing more endears a wife to her companion than kind treatment to her particular friends, so noth- ing gives her greater pain than to see them un- dervalued or ill-treated by her husband. CHAPTER XIX. RELATIVES. Relatives have their claims. Excess in this matter. A com- mon mistake by husbands. Arises from want of proper consideration. Anecdote. If intimate friends, on both sides, should not be forgotten, neither should near relatives. On this topic many of the views I entertain may be gathered from our first chapters. The duties which belong to children, parents, and grand- parents, respectively, are there pointed out;— not indeed directly, but by implication. Beyond these, however, there is frequently a long list of relatives, both on the side of the husband and the wife, who have their claims, and whose claims are by no means to be disre- garded. Nor should those of the wife—any more than her intimate friends—be overlooked or forgotten. I am not for having the husband and the wife spend their whole time in giving and receiving visits from friends and relatives, simply because RELATIVES. 221 they are their friends and relatives. Nor would I have mankind spend their whole time, in any case, in this way. But there is a foundation, in our natures, implanted, no doubt, by the God of nature, for these social and relative attachments ; and what God has in this respect joined together, let not man put asunder. Let him not do it, in any event, wantonly. There is one mistake made by husbands, which I should be exceedingly glad to correct. I allude to the circumstances which sometimes arise soon after marriage, in which the wife becomes homesick. Forgetting how closely the hearts of daughters are usually set on the old circle of relatives, and how difficult it is for them to institute new attachments, a thought- less husband sometimes construes homesickness into coldness; and what he feels, he is not slow, in some way or other, to manifest. Let the husband remember, that it is not given to females to break asunder these cords as readily as the other sex can; and let great allowance be made on this account. Let him regard it as a weakness, in them, if he will; but let him not utter one reproachful word; no, nor cast one reproachful look. Does he not know, that this very fondness of his companion for her native circle, when once transferred to the new 222 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. circle over which she is to preside, will impart to it that which constitutes its greatest value? I know a lady who has been married six or eight years, and has a family of two or three little children, who has never yet so far broken her attachment to her father's house, as to be willing to remain away from it more than a week at a time, unless actually confined to her room by sickness. Every week, once at least, away she posts, four or five miles to her father's, and, after a short visit, returns and resumes her duties to her own family. Now, although few married ladies can be found who would go quite so far as this lady does, yet facts not unlike it are of frequent occurrence. But shall the husband hastily conclude that because there is a strong attachment to the first home, there is any want of affection to the inmates of the second ? Shall he, above all, become impatient on account of it ? Let him do so, if he will; but let him, ere he does so, consider the conse- quences. " Prevention," in every thing, " is better than cure;" and nowhere will the maxim apply with more force, than in those things which pertain to matrimonial life, and the government and early management of children. CHAPTER XX. SOCIETY IN GENERAL. Marriage a monopoly. In what circumstances it is so. Lovers should discuss the subject before a union. Duty of the husband as a citizen. Visits among neighbors. Large evening concerts. Importance of cultivating our social nature. "Marriage is a complete monopoly," said a young friend of mine one day. " Before I had a family, I could go and come when I pleased. I was an active member of nearly a dozen benevo- lent associations, to say nothing of social and literary clubs; and I had influence in society. Now, I seldom go any where, except to call upon my friends and relations, and those of my wife. I am almost as useless to the world at large as if I were actually buried." "But is it necessary," said I, " that, on becom- ing a husband, you should cease to be a citizen? If this is the case, how happens it that you are so often chanting the praises of matrimony, and telling the world that it is a divine institu- 224 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. tion ? Besides, does the Author of all things look with favor on monopolies ?" " As to the necessity of secluding one's self from the world in order to be a husband," said my friend, " I meant a moral necessity, not a legal one. It is true, I never covenanted with my wife to remain always at home. Still, she needs my society. But if I go abroad, she is left alone." " Can you not then become boarders, in some agreeable family, for a few years," said I, " till your circumstances vary ? Or, if not, can you not hire part of a tenement, and thus furnish yourself with near neighbors, and your wife with society to which she could sometimes, without much trouble, resort, in your absence ?" " Still, marriage is a monopoly," he rejoined, " if we do the best we can; and if you ever enlist, you will find it so." Now, there was truth on both sides, in this dis- cussion. Marriage does necessarily, or almost of necessity, prevent one from doing as much for others, as he might otherwise do. But, then, as I have endeavored to show, elsewhere, it enables him to do something handsome in the way of promoting his own mental and moral improvement, as well as that of his household; so that what is lost to the world at large, seems SOCIETY IN GENERAL. 225 to me more than gain to his own family. If he is less a foreign missionary, he is by so much the more a domestic one. And yet I do not believe it right for any young husband to enter upon a course of matri- monial life, on the condition of becoming a slave to it. Nor do I believe any female whose society was truly valuable, would require it. The whole matter should be thoroughly canvassed before marriage, and the inconveniences, as well as advantages, which are likely to follow, fully un- derstood. If this is done, I do not think it will often be found that a sensible female will re- quire it of her companion, that, in becoming her husband, he should cease to become a citizen or a member of the community in which he dwells. I do not believe the young husband ought to forsake every association to which he formerly belonged, simply because he is the head of a family. I would have him go forward in the cause of benevolence, as before. Perhaps he cannot do so much as formerly ; but let him, at least, do something, and let him do that little well. Let him avoid being away from home during the evening, as much as possible; and above all, let him not absent himself for the sake of any personal enjoyment or gratification. 15 226 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. Let him yield only to calls of a public nature; and let those be as seldom as possible. In regard to making occasional visits to neigh- bors, where the company is not large, no one thinks higher of it than myself. I prefer the afternoon, it is true ; but when the afternoon cannot be used for this purpose, the evening may answer, at least occasionally. As to evening concerts, attended late, by large crowds, and involving much expense, I cannot recommend them. Better, by far, is it for the health and the morals of those concerned, that they should remain at home. Or, if they attend them at all, they should not stay later than nine o'clock, at farthest. No man thinks more highly than I of the importance of cultivating, so far as consistently we can, our social nature. Shame to us, if, while we are gregarious, like the beaver, and other lower animals, we use our herding princi- ple to no better purpose than those animals; at least, to no better purpose than to gain money, or scramble for office. I have given the opinion of Mr. Flint, in a former chapter. He speaks, in terms quite enthusiastic, of the importance of associating for the purpose of " mutual instruc- tion " in subjects calculated to elevate the moral sentiments ; and of the exceeding great pleasure, SOCIETY IN GENERAL. 227 as well as benefit, to be derived from social meet- ings, with a view to public good. And he rea- sons, in my view, most justly. It will be a cen- tury, however—perhaps four or five of them— before any considerable number of mankind will learn to appreciate the force of his remarks. CHAPTER XXI. CONTESTS FOR SUPERIORITY. Hints derived from Gisborne and Flint. Misconduct of wives. What to be done. Consideration to be used. Quotation from Paul. Reign of gentleness. Influence of kindness and gentleness. Quarrels may be avoided. Spirit of our Savior. Female conspiracies. Conspiracies of husbands. Anecdote of a petty tyrant. "Managing" a woman. Dernier resort of a husband. Gisborne, in his "Duties of the Female Sex," has the following remarks:—" The love of power, congenial to the human breast, reveals itself, in the two sexes, under different forms, but with equal force. Hence have arisen the open en- deavors, sometimes discernible on the part of wives of turbulent passions, and the oblique machinations visible among others of a cunning turn of mind, to carry favorite points against the will of their husbands." Flint, too, in his " Art of being Happy," says, " Nothing is more common than this contempti- ble ambition of wives to govern their husbands. It is said that there are coteries of wives, who CONTESTS FOR SUPERIORITY. 229 impart the rules in masonic conclave. Be it so. Whoever exults in having usurped this empire, glories in her shame. However much a wife may humble her husband in general estimation, by presenting him in the light of a weak and docile subject, with all sensible persons she humbles herself still more." I do not believe in the existence of " coteries of wives " for the purposes alluded to by Mr. Flint; but there is certainly a strong love of power which occasionally devolops itself in the wife; and many a wise man—wise, I mean, in most other things except the art of finding out female character during the period of courtship —will find himself subjected to its evils. I re- gret to be compelled to say so; yet so I believe it to be. But what is to be done ? My reply is, that I do not know. It is a most unhappy condition —unhappy, not only for the husband, and for even the wife herself, but still worse, if possible, for the younger members of the household. Of all evils to which children are subjected in the family—next to inconsistency on the part of the parent or parents—that of witnessing frequent contests for superiority appears to me the most destructive. It makes me shudder to think of 230 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. these family quarrels. Yet they do exist, and human character is formed under their influence. But what—I repeat the question, for it is an important one—what is to be done in such cases ? If the husband has been hasty in the selec- tion of a companion, the circumstances in which he is placed may be a necessary course of disci- pline. But if he has taken all the pains he could have done to make the proper discoveries, and still finds himself in a " hornets nest," I beg him to consider well the injunction of Paul to the Ephesians, which, though it originally re- ferred to the general condition and manner of life to which Christians are called, applies forci- bly and beautifully to a state of matrimony. " I beseech you," says the apostle, " that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called ; with all lowliness and meekness, with long-suffering, forbearing one another in love; endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." ' An uninterrupted gentleness, kindness, and gospel forbearance, will do much, I am confi- dent, towards overcoming the evils which some- times grow out of this female propensity to bear rule. The great difficulty usually is, that hus- CONTESTS FOR SUPERIORITY. 231 bands do not possess the spirit of forbearance which Paul so zealously recommends. On the contrary, they are prone to return evil for evil; and thus make that which is originally bad enough, infinitely worse. I wish for the complete reign of Christianity in the human heart, were it only for the influ- ence it would have on the conjugal state, and on the early management of children. The reign of gentleness it would bring with it, is very much needed in this jarring, clashing, war- ring world. Quarrels of every sort are exceed- ingly destructive of human happiness; but no quarrels, save those among brethren in the church, are so bitter as family quarrels; and none but those should be so sedulously avoided. An ancient Persian writer has the following sentiment:—" The gentle hand leads by a hair the mighty elephant himself." Excellent words! Would that their truth could be realized by every husband who has a wife disposed to "bear rule." Then might we hope for fewer contests for su- periority, and for many more happy husbands, wives, children, and domestics. It does appear to me that every husband who is thoroughly imbued with the spirit of Christ, may prevent the necessity of family bickerings and contests. Suppose a husband exactly, in 232 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. spirit, like the Savior ; so exactly, I mean, that in all his conduct in life, he does precisely as the Savior himself would do in similar circum- stances. Is it possible such a man could quar- rel with his wife ? Is it possible to conceive of such a person as exchanging even a hasty or fretful word ? Did the Savior ever enter into any petty contest or quarrel ? Did he ever re- turn retort for retort, or railing for railing ? My task is with husbands ; and a serious one it is. I blush for many of them ; not because they "are not every thing which is desirable, for " to err is human ;" but because they are in nothing as perfect as they ought to be, and as they might be. I blush for them, because they are so far from possessing the temper which the apostle recommends to the Ephesians, that they seldom make any earnest endeavors after it. Is it too much to say that matrimonial life is, to many men, any thing else rather than the very thing which the Creator intended? I have spoken of conspiracies on the part of females to wrest the " power " from husbands; but—I repeat it—I do not believe any thing of this sort ever occurred. Can I say as much for the other sex ? Can I say there are no coteries of husbands, who impart rules, in conclave, for the management of wives ? For the honor CONTESTS FOR SUPERIORITY. 233 of human nature, one might hope there were none. And yet an individual of some eminence once told me, voluntarily and gravely, that he thought he had discovered the secret of managing a wife, which was, never to recede from any steps previously taken, even though convinced they were wrong. " Never go six," said he, " and then go back to four." I was much struck with the advice, given, as it was, by a man who professed to be a follower of Christ, to an inexperienced young man of twen- ty-four or twenty-five. But I ought not to have been. The father of this man was the greatest tyrant in the domestic circle I ever knew, and the son inherited, or had caught, by the influence of example, a full measure of the old gentle- man's spirit. He is kind to his wife, for the most part, just as he is to his horse; and nearly on the same principle. But he is a petty tyrant, after all; and would be a cruel one, were cruelty a part of his character. The whole system of " managing " a woman, as such tyrants would call it, is despicable. That man is the head of the woman, on the Scripture plan—that this is reason and common sense, as well as Scripture—I have elsewhere 234 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. shown. But there is no need of assuming any thing; nor is it the part of good policy, any more than of kindness, to do so. The art of bearing rule, in the family circle, if not else- where, is to govern as if we governed not. Indeed, the bearing rule over the wife, which Scripture and reason justify, is a sort of restraint, if it be a restraint at all, which hardly deserves the name of ruling. It is the mere province of suggesting plans for consideration, in regard to self-management and the management of a household, and of deciding what course to take where there is not entire agreement of opinion, and where Divine Providence has neither made provision for, nor permitted, any umpire. I have said that in the case of a husband who, notwithstanding his best efforts, finds him- self wedded to a creature who is not content to fill, with propriety and honor, the station to which she is divinely appointed, but would fain take upon herself the duties of a husband, I am quite at a loss what advice to give. The case is a sad one, at best. But there is one thing which would make the calamity still greater;—I mean a large family, to be ruined by an unhappy example. The young husband should dread this above all. CONTESTS FOR SUPERIORITY. 235 " Children," as the Psalmist says, are indeed a " heritage of the Lord; " but this remark can hardly be applicable to those who are brought up in the field of battle, amid the din and hor- rors of war. God is the author of peace, and not of confusion, in family, church, or state. CHAPTER XXII. LOVE. Few have time to love. Mistakes of those who have. Gen- eral principle. A husband in earnest. On this subject volumes might be written, and yet the world—one half of it at least—might re- main in ignorance. Most men have no time— or imagine they have none—to love ; much more, to read on that subject. Business and pleasure obtrude, and crowd out almost all gen- uine affection. Marriage becomes, to a great extent, a matter of bargain and sale, or what is but little better. I speak now, of course, with reference to the husband. Woman is much more often, in real- ity, a lover, than man. Indeed, as a general rule—to which, of course, as to other general rules, there are some exceptions—she carries into conjugal life most of the real, genuine af- fection found there. Such a husband not only goes into married life devoid of genuine love—I will not say LOVE. 237 there is a lower principle in action which strongly resembles it—but expects, when he has any expectations at all, to go through life in the same way. The consequence is, that what there is of the pure flame in existence, is not only enkindled but supported by his companion. Those who have read my thoughts under the head of Love, addressed to young wives—for the work has sometimes excited the curiosity even of husbands—will not need that I should repeat them in this place. For the benefit of those who have not, I will just add that, be the first cause of love in early life what it may, true con- jugal love can only be maintained, in its highest and most perfect state, by continual effort on the part of the individual concerned. It is a most mistaken idea of young husbands that the fire will feed itself, or that it is to be fed by the efforts of the wife. On the contrary, nothing will carry it to the highest pitch—nay, I may even say, keep it alive—but the habit of performing kind offices towards her. " We love those to whom we do good," says Dr. Dwight, "more than we love those who do good to us." Let him, then, who really wishes to possess a pure, and holy, and heavenly affection for the partner of his choice—or for her whom the world and he call so—be studious to do good to his wife ; not 238 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. by fits and starts merely, but continually; not in larger matters alone, but also in small ones. But I must not dwell on this topic, notwith- standing its importance. He who is earnest in his desires to increase and preserve his love towards a fellow-creature, will be very apt to fall into the right way; at least to some ex- tent. The chief troubles to contend with, in this case, are indifference and stupidity. CHAPTER XXIII. FAWNING. Difference between fawning and fondness. How our fond- ness may be shown. True simplicity. While I commend a series of kind offices on the part of the husband, I am wholly at variance with that fawning which is sometimes seen, and which usually serves to disgust rather than to gain favor. When I object to fawning, how- ever, I do not mean that expression of genuine feelings of attachment which we sometimes ob- serve, and which better deserves the name of fondness; but a species of affectation which is closely allied to hypocrisy. It is alluded to by the eccentric Cobbett, who says that he has often known the term " my dear " much in vogue by a class of husbands and wives who might perchance be found pulling each other's hair the very next hour, despite of their kind- ness. Simple and natural expressions of attach- 240 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. ment, whether in word or deed, can never be objectionable. I love to see good nature and simplicity, and simple affection ; nor do I dislike fondness. These may be shown in a thousand ways, without descending to servility or mean- ness. They may be shown even by the tone of the voice, and by the countenance. If a husband really loves, and wishes to nourish and cherish that love, opportunities will not be wanting. It is not in picking up a pocket-handkerchief or a glove gracefully, nor in refraining from doing it. It is not in any one thing which I could men- tion, for all things have their counterfeits. It is in the spirit, and not in the letter ; it is in the in- ternal feelings, and not in external actions; it is in the man himself, and not in the shell to which the man is temporarily connected. CHAPTER XXIV. COMPLAISANCE. General value of complaisance. Does not exist in word, but in spirit. Compatible with simplicity. Customs of the Friends. Avoid extremes. A happy medium. Example of the Savior. Sum of the whole matter. If complaisance is ever desirable, it is so in a married couple towards each other. Those who have been most successful in the art of pleasing and obliging each other, have generally been most happy. The life of most persons is made up of little things ; there are comparatively few great occurrences in it. All husbands and wives, therefore—husbands especially—would do well to study the art of being complaisant to each other. But by being complaisant, I do not mean be- ing weak or silly. The husband may call his wife by every endearing appellation he pleases, and yet not be complaisant. This virtue does not exist in words, though it may or may not be manifested by them. 16 242 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. I do not think there is any natural incompati- bility between simplicity and true complaisance. I have seen individuals who combined the two qualities with the utmost success. We may use titles and appellatives innumerable, without complaisance; and, on the other hand, we may simply call each other by our Christian names, and yet preserve a proper and Christian deport- ment. I question whether the art of pleasing is better understood any where than among some portions of the Christian sect called Friends; and yet no where in society do we find this art ap- parently more unstudied. I do not intend, by these remarks, to recom- mend casting off all the external forms of respect for one another, and the adoption of the custom of saying yes and no even to the aged, and of calling each other by Christian names; though I sometimes wish, for the moment, this were the custom of the country. If we must have one extreme or the other—the external with- out the internal, or the latter without the ex- ternal—I greatly prefer the latter. But I still think there is a more excellent way. 1 still think there is a happy medium which it is not difficult to attain. My readers may smile when I refer them, for the attainment of this COMPLAISANCE. 243 happy medium, to the sermon on the mount, and to the life and conversation of its Author. Suppose the whole world possessed the spirit of Jesus Christ. Would there be any want of true complaisance ? Was there ever a better specimen of the virtue of which I am speaking, than was exhibited in the conduct of our Sa- vior? But if the complaisance of the Savior, exhibited in full measure by every individual, would render the world happy, will not its hap- piness be promoted in proportion as his spirit shall become general ? I freely acknowledge that not all who call themselves the disciples of the Savior are so- licitous to please. The Scripture says they are not all Israel who are of Israel; and in like manner they are not all true Christians who pro- fess to follow Christ. Could husbands love their wives with the same sort of love wherewith Christ loved the church, there would be, I am sure, no want of true courtesy among them. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved those whom he came to save, expresses the whole matter. Let this command be fully com- plied with, and all other things which are lovely in conduct will soon follow. CHAPTER XXV. * FAMILIARITY. Effects of too much familiarity. Illustrations. Various forms of familiarity. Hints to those for whom they are intended. " Too much familiarity breeds contempt," says an old adage ; but if true at all, it is so in matrimonial life. In general, it is hardly possible to become too familiar with our fellow-creatures. The notion among parents and teachers, which formerly prevailed to a sad extent, that, in order to pre- serve the respect of those whom we would influence or teach, we must keep them at a distance, is happily becoming obsolete. It is beginning to be found out that a measured re- serve, instead of being advantageous, has exact- ly the contrary tendency. A few husbands, even in Christian countries, have, it is true, endeavored to treat not only their children and domestics with a cold reserve, but even their wives. This, however, is not the FAMILIARITY. 245 more usual error. It is much more common in married life to fall into the other extreme—that of too much familiarity. Many a young hus- band has, by this means, not only lowered him- self in the eye of his companion, but has, in the end, lost the respect even of himself. I might present a thousand illustrations of the truth of the position that too much familiarity, in married life, is injurious; but it seems to me the experience or observation of every reader will enable him to make his own application ; and I shall be much disappointed if he who does so, faithfully, should not find the evil to exist much nearer home than he at first expected. There are various sorts of familiarity, how- ever. We can scarcely be too well acquainted, in matrimonial life, with each other's opinions and purposes, nor, indeed, with each other's general habits and manners. So far as I have thought, familiarity breeds contempt only when it approaches the borders of indelicacy and im- purity. It is because of this tendency that I entreat every young husband to avoid, as he would a pestilential disease, every approxima- tion towards the familiarity of which I speak, whether in thought, feeling, word, or deed. He who will not heed this caution may possibly do well to read with attention the chapter which 246 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. follows. I wish there was no necessity for a course of remark so severe ; but the evil allu- ded to certainly exists, and must be met by somebody. May the Author and Source of all wisdom direct to a series of suggestions which shall have a tendency to accomplish the object for which they are intended. CHAPTER XXVI. DELICACY AND PURITY. What impurity is. May exist in matrimonial life. Its effects. Duty of the husband on this subject A com- mon slander. Man the grand seducer. How he carries on his purposes. State of things in some families. A few who are not defiled. Destiny of Christianity. Human agency. Caution to the husband. On this subject much might be said ; nor am I sure that much is not needed. There is a want of delicacy, in some instances of matrimo- nial life, whose effects are any thing else rather than favorable. Impurity is chiefly to be dreaded on account of its moral results. Its effects on health of body, though greatly to be lamented in society, are as nothing in comparison with its effects on the immortal mind and heart. When the mind is debased, and the imagination loves to roam in forbidden paths—when this indulgence is habitual, and is only prevented by short seasons of close occupation—when it defiles not only the thoughts of the heart, but finds its way into 248 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. words and phrases—when the individual lives, as it were, merely to gratify his morbid or vitiated propensities—and when there are no obstruc- tions to these forms of indulgence, then is life a scene of perpetual impurity. I care not by what name the individual is called in these circumstances—whether lover, husband, wife, or mistress. Names are com- paratively nothing. There is a prostitution of matrimonial life, which, I am compelled to say, often exists, in greater or less degree, even in the best states of society. It exists least in this country in the industrious, middling class; and most among the two extremes of luxury and abject poverty. If the evils of this vice, in its various forms, were confined to the individuals who are more immediately concerned, they would be more tolerable. But the habit once formed—the whole system set on fire, as it were, and the whole soul become impure—every thing is defiled which is touched. This subject is presented to the consideration of the husband, for it belongs to him to com- mence the work of reform. It does so, because he is the head of the family ; and it does so, still more, because he is, in ninety-nine cases in a hundred, the first aggressor. DELICACY AND PURITY. 249 To some, the opinion here advanced may be startling. There are those in our community— the disciples of Byron and men of his cast— who ascribe impurity to a different source. I regret it, for it is a base, sometimes a wilful slander. I regret it, more particularly, how- ever, on account of the consequences. It may be laid down as a general rule, to which, as I conceive, there will be found very few exceptions, that, wherever impurity can be found, man is, directly or indirectly, the cause. He is ever, at least since the days of the first pair, the grand seducer. If woman is vile—and vile indeed she sometimes is—she is so because she has been corrupted by others ; and that cor- ruption may always be traced, by a longer or a shorter course, to the other sex. On this subject there is a tremendous respon- sibility resting somewhere. Those who have been instrumental in spreading through the community the notion that every woman is at heart corrupt, whether it have been done in prose or poetry, for emolument or pleasure, thoughtlessly or with malice aforethought, must answer for it. Such a notion has been worse than plague, pestilence, or famine—nay, worse than all the three combined. It has been the means of scattering, in a combustible world, 250 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. more firebrands, arrows and death, than any one thing with which I am acquainted. Many a young man has his mind preoccu- pied with the base slander to which I have alluded. With the same erroneous views—for they are seldom dispelled till later in life—he enters, if he enter it at all, the marriage rela- tion. With this sentiment, too, he travels on in his new mode of life. Prostituted himself, he spreads the poison, as circumstances offer. He spreads it in various ways. He spreads it by looks. These, at first repelled, perhaps, are at length tolerated. It is next to impossible to take live coals to our bosom and not be burnt. Though the companion of the licentious man may be as pure as the celestial fire, yet is she speedily contaminated. Every body knows the language of the poet— " Vice is a monster of so frightful mien, As, to be hated, needs but to be seen ; Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face, We first endure, then pity, then embrace." The most virtuous companion in the world will be unable to resist the torrent of a perpetual evil example. If her virtue were rigid enough to repel the first aggressions, then indeed might she be safe; but if she admits one foe, resist- DELICACY AND PURITY. 251 ance is rendered more difficult, and, ere long, by little and little, she falls—to rise, alas ! no more. Amorous looks having become a current me- dium, the sly word or action comes next. First, the innuendo. This, in some families, is quite fashionable, even where there are young chil- dren to be corrupted; and herein is one of the dreadful evils of impure looks and words. We form the habit; and habit, or custom, as is well known, soon becomes second nature. It is enough to make one shudder to think of the various ways in which impurity is kept alive, and fostered, and extended, in some fam- ilies where it would not, by many, be expected. In truth, I wonder not that the world in which we live is as bad as it is. The wonder is, that it is not a thousand times worse than we find it. The wonder is, that it is not, ere now, one mighty Sodom, with scarcely ten righteous within its walls. But, thanks to God, there are many pure spir- its, even here. There are some whom almigh- ty love, operating directly and indirectly, has preserved uncontaminated, by pulling them out of the fire. This army, though it be but a hun- dred and forty-four thousand, gleaned from Chris- tian lands, is destined to increase, in due time, till it shall fill the whole earth. Such, we are assured 252 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. by prophecy, will be the result; such, we are as- sured, will be the case, by the observation of facts. Christians are beginning to be converted to Christianity; and here is our hope. The world are beginning to find out that to follow Christ means something. Our faith is not to be a dead letter; nor our profession of it a favor- ite garment worn only on extra occasions. Whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God, will, ere long, be the Christian's motto. Yes, reader, the time is at hand when he that hath the Christian hope in him will purify him- self, even as Christ, his Master, was pure. Hus- bands, renouncing the idea, in which they grew up, of female impurity, and viewing, in the light of the gospel of the Son of God, the loveliness of purity, especially in female character—and, above all, in the companions of their bosom— will labor faithfully, not only to keep themselves uncontaminated, but to preserve others so. In- stead of making it the work of life to seduce and debase the angelic trust committed to their charge, they will strive, as much as in them lies, to preserve it spotless to the day of the Lord Jesus. Could the husband of our modern times, who never had a clear conception of perfect purity, but whose life has been spent in artful DELICACY AND PURITY. 253 endeavors, by looks, and glances, and whispers, and words, and deeds, to lower the standard of female virtue, even in the individual whom he professes—perhaps in sincerity—to love and to prize above all else below the sun—could such a husband catch one view of the purity which the gospel of Christ requires, and which is be- ginning here and there to be realized, how would he be struck with the appearance!—and, if not destitute of consciousness of shame, how would he humble himself! But such purity will never come till individu- als labor zealously, each in his sphere, to pro- mote it. The young Christian husband has, in this respect, an immense work to do. Let him first correct himself. Let him, in the next place, do all in his power to preserve, uncontaminated, those whom God hath appointed to be with him. Let no foolish talking, or jesting, or filthy com- munication, be known, or heard, or found, in his habitation. Let him remember that nothing which defileth shall ever have part in the king- dom of Christ and of God. Let his house be- come like a temple of the Lord of hosts. Let it be sacred to neatness, and order, and delicacy, and purity. In it let a domestic altar be raised to the God of purity. Let worship be paid, not only morning and evening, at this altar, but at 254 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. all times. Do and say nothing, and set those over whom you are placed as a householder, an ex- ample of doing and saying nothing, which you would not be willing to say and do if you saw, with the common organ of vision, the Lord Je- sus Christ himself standing by and manifesting his approbation or disapprobation of every ac- tion. When this shall be the state of things in Christian families, how glorious will the of- fice—for an office it should be regarded—of a Christian husband appear! In proportion as the husband is now instrumental of destroying, by little and little, what of female delicacy and purity remain in the earth, in the same propor- tion shall be his power, in that day, of building again the things which once he destroyed. CHAPTER XXVII. PATIENCE. Getting out of patience. Especially unbecoming in a hus- band. Its evils. Living under the harrow. Illustration of the evils of impatience. Art of being patient. The most glorious victory. " I am out of all manner of patience with you," I have often heard from husbands and wives both ; but never without pain. Out of patience! and yet at the head of a family ? This ought not so to be. Even as an individual, impatience is unbe- coming. He has little claim to the name of Christian who cannot command himself, in any degree, but must lose all patience in every time of trial. Still more important is this virtue in a hus- band. For if every reasonable pains were taken on the part of husband and wife to understand each other's character and purposes, there would still be need of caution. Constituted as we are, objects strike us differently. Trained as we are, our tastes and opinions vary. Not a day 256 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. will probably pass, in which our patience will not be more or less put to the trial. Few things are more destructive of all true happiness than perpetual impatience. Heaven would cease to be heaven if this foe were to en- ter ; and earthly bliss is no longer bliss when it is indulged. I pity the man who is impatient. He.is miserable in himself; and must continue so, as long as he remains unreformed. But I pity the wife who is wedded to an impatient husband, still more, if possible. I would not ad- vise her to destroy herself to get out of endless misery; still less would I advise her to return evil for evil. On the contrary, were I to advise at all, I would bid her, in the language of an apostle, to overcome evil with good. The husband should remember the power of habit. It is bad to live " under the harrow" for one year. It is still worse to compel a wife to the same suffering. Yet if this were all—if, at the close of a year, all were to be changed— if a land of clouds and storms were then to be exchanged for the pleasures of perpetual calm and sunshine, the evil might be tolerable—at least comparatively so. Suppose a young couple just married, and in the full prospect, for aught which appears externally, of joy unmixed for life. Nothing, sav the most PATIENCE. 257 cautious and wary, can surely disturb their felicity, unless it be their fellow-creatures' envy. All is peaceful and happy, I say, without; and, for a few days, all appears to be so within. But suddenly, ere a month has passed over their heads, it is discovered that the demon Im- patience has entered. The husband no longer an angel, the wife ceases to be a seraph. Both, the husband especially, are found to be invested, fully, with mortality. How changed the pros- pect ! Fallen thus early in the matrimonial course, how dark must be the future years of life ! Habit will give strength to what is now but feeble, and in process of time, the household, whether consisting of few or many, will feel the blighting, withering influence. How utterly unqualified to govern others will he be found who has never yet learned to gov- ern himself! who cannot get through a single day of life without exclaiming, either in words or actions—for actions, sometimes, we know, speak louder than words—" I am out of patience ! " Make a resolution, says Burgh, for one day, to keep your temper. If you can keep the reso- lution one day, you may two; and so on. To keep you in mind of your resolution, you may wear a ring upon a particular finger, or use any other such contrivance. I would say, rather, 17 258 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. make a resolution, at first, for a much shorter period than a day. Half a day is quite long enough. And not only make the resolution in the fear of God, but with prayer for aid in keep- ing it. Some may laugh at the idea of praying for strength to keep from being impatient, but they are quite welcome to do so, who dare. They are objects of our pity. Either they have never felt their own insufficiency to keep the perfect law of God without that divine assistance which it is as much our duty to seek as it is to use our own powers, or they are base cowards—afraid of being thought religious, but not afraid to ap- pear before the grand tribunal. One of the best men I ever knew, insists that he is unable to keep his temper. Of course, he will be unable to do it. Faith is required in order to overcome difficulties. Some, I know, inherit a very bad temper ; but such persons, as I shall elsewhere more particularly insist, ought to resolve to overcome it. Expect great things and attempt great things, should be their motto. He who governs himself—it has been well and often said—does more than he who commands armies. In fact, there is no victory more glori- ous—none perhaps more rare—than a complete victory over one's self. CHAPTER XXVIII. TENACITY OF OPINION. Tenaciousness unreasonable. Contemptible. Fair discussion. Triumphing. Having the last word. Watts's opinion. Spirit of contradiction. No person should be blamed for having an opinion of his own ; but he is both blamable and pitiable, who sets his opinion above that of all others, and condemns all others as wrong, who do not view things exactly in the same light with himself. Every one sees things through his own medium. But of all individuals in society, the husband and wife should be the last to be tenacious of their respective opinions. Let each learn to respect the opinion of the other, even if it is believed to be incorrect. Let there be no strife in the matrimonial career, except it be to determine which can best bear the habits and opinions of the other. In this, as well as in a thousand other things, the husband should set the example. 260 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. Nothing can be more contemptible than an extreme tenaciousness of opinion on the part of a husband. To see him insisting loudly and clamorously on the correctness of his opinion, and overcoming his wife by noise and authority rather than by force of argument, how lamenta- ble—nay, how pitiable ! I love to have fair, and honorable, and ani- mated discussion by every husband and wife; but let equality be assumed in the outset, and maintained throughout. If conscious of having the better side of the argument, let the individ- ual be by so much the more moderate. " I told you so ;" "I knew it would turn out so; " or any other expression, bearing the air or character of triumph, should never be resorted to. How ex- ceedingly does the husband lower himself, who not only insists that he is right, but that the other party shall make the concession 1 I have seen husbands who made it a rule to " have the last word " in every little petty dis- cussion. This is another mark of a mean and contemptible spirit. How can such husbands expect to love, or to be loved ? Watts says, that " Samson's young foxes might as well In bands of cheerful wedlock dwell, With firebrands tied between," TENACITY OF OPINION. 261 as certain husbands and wives who possess an unhappy temper;. and the remark is at least equally true of those who are always deter- mined to have the last word in every dis- cussion. Avoid also the spirit of contradiction. I regret exceedingly to hear a husband contradict his wife under any circumstances whatever; but the habit of contradiction, and of doing so with impatience or anger, is much worse than an oc- casional sally. It is worse for the individual himself; it is worse for his wife ; and it is worse, infinitely so, for those whose character—physi- cal, intellectual, and moral—is to be formed under parental guidance, and to take shape especially from the husband's example. CHAPTER XXIX. GIVING PAIN. Pain of body. Mental pain. Singular error among parents and teachers. Peculiar tenderness to the wife. Tears in secret. Reminding a wife of her inferiority. Of her hum- ble origin. Of her former frailties. Of having vicious or worthless friends. Of her worthlessness on account of her education. Of her feebleness or sickness. Claims for sympathy. Some may smile at the idea of advising young husbands to avoid giving pain to their compan- ions. " What sort of a husband," it will be asked, " is he who would willingly give pain to a beloved wife ? If any such are to be found —as perhaps there may be a few—you will hardly find them accessible to your arguments or appeals." Not quite so fast, however. There are thou- sands, and I fear, millions of husbands, many of whom pass, too, for kind husbands, who do not hesitate to give pain to their wives almost every day. I grant there are few in civilized society—for GIVING PAIN. 263 the honor of human nature I could hope there were none—who will inflict bodily pain on those whom it should be their highest interest to treat with tenderness. I have, indeed, heard of brutes, in the shape of men, who could beat and kick their companions. Such, however, I do not aim to reach. Is there, then, no pain to be inflicted on a hu- man being but pain of body ? Is there nothing in this world but matter ? Is there no such thing as internal anguish ? Is there no spirit to suffer ? I have sometimes been a little surprised to find those parents and teachers who were unwilling to lose a single opportunity of declaiming loudly against corporal punishment, in the habit of in- flicting, every year, and sometimes every day, an amount of mental punishment, in the form of censure, disgrace, &c, which it would be far more painful for me to endure, than a sound flagellation. Strange that a little smarting, from the use of the rod, should be so much dreaded, and that, at the same time, no fears should be apprehended in regard to the effects of spiritual anguish! I am no advocate for an injudicious inflic- tion of any sort of pain—bodily or mental—but I confess my utter inability to see the con- sistency of sparing the rod only to subject a 264 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. child, as the inevitable consequence, to tenfold more of mental suffering, in subsequent life. I had as lief my child's animal part should smart a little, ere there is much pertaining to his char- acter but animal, as be subjected to the dreadful necessity not only of having his feelings wound- ed and deadened, but of having my own soul, and that of his mother, racked with worse than inquisitorial tortures, at a period of life when prevention and correction are both impossible. But to return to my subject. If I have a fellow-being in the wide world to whom tender- ness—the greatest tenderness—is due, which it is in my power to bestow, it is my wife ; and this for more than half-a-dozen reasons. My chil- dren, indeed, require to be treated carefully and tenderly, but not more so than the mother. Besides, in this work I am principally treating of the husband's duties prior to the time of his having any family except his wife. And yet how often, and in what various ways, do husbands inflict pains on the companions of their bosoms, and cause those tears to flow in secret which love for themselves had suppressed at the moment of infliction! I will not attempt to specify one in a thou- sand of the various forms in which pain is thus caused. It were greatly to be wished that every GIVING PAIN. 265 young husband, ere he .enters into matrimonial life, would study, with half the anxiety and in- terest he manifests in other subjects, the pecu- liarities of female character. A large share of the wounds we inflict are made in ignorance— for which I know of no remedy but knowledge. One form of wounding the feelings of a wife, is by reminding her of her inferiority. Were it to be admitted that a species of inferiority exists, mean indeed would he be, who would love to remind a companion of the fact, directly or indirectly. He should seldom, if ever, revert to it; and if called at any time to exercise his prerogative, should do it with the utmost kind- ness and tenderness. He should endeavor, in one word, to remember and practise the golden rule of our Savior, and do as he would like to be done by in similar circumstances. Another very common form of torturing a susceptible individual, is by reminding her of her humble origin. It sometimes happens that a husband, who has married a wife from what he considers a lower rank of life than his own, is tempted, perhaps, by way of retaliation, at a moment when she is disposed to make claims which are manifestly improper, to remind her __ of her origin. I have known the severest pains 266 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. inflicted in this very manner. Need I say that all such conduct is downright cruelty ? Equally reprehensible is the practice—by no means uncommon—of reminding a companion of former frailties. If he married her without a knowledge of their existence, whose fault was it? Was she obliged to confess her faults to you, gratuitously ? Grant it to have been her duty, still, if it was not done, will it mend the matter for you to remind her of it ? You might have ascertained every fact, in relation to the case, had you taken the necessary pains. Be- sides, are you sure the fault is not overstated ? Or are you quite certain the whole is not an utter falsehood ? If you married her with a knowledge of the existence of the faults, you would be more than mean, if possible, ever to open your mouth on the subject. I will mention a few more of the many hun- dred examples of the error to which I allude on the part of husbands. I have more than al- luded to it, in another chapter; but its impor- tance will justify a partial repetition. I refer to the case of a husband whose wife has worthless or vicious friends. Now, I know of no conduct which will wound the feelings—to say nothing of the pride which is concerned in the matter— GIVING PAIN. 267 of a female companion:, sooner or more deeply, than to reproach her with being the sister or the daughter of some vile wretch—a drunkard, perhaps, or a debauchee. Is it any fault of hers ? And even if it were so, did you not marry her with your eyes open to the fact ? Perhaps a wife has been educated according to the existing modern fashion—that is, she is educated to be good for nothing. She can, in- deed, sing, and dance, and play on a piano ; nay, she was kept at a boarding-school from six years of age till she was " brought out" into com- pany. But then she is good for nothing as a housekeeper or as a mother. She has neither a knowledge of the duties which devolve upon her in either capacity, nor a desire for it. She is indeed pretty, and amiable, and well disposed —an excellent doll—but nearly useless as a rational being among beings who are rational, or who desire to be so. But what then ? You married her in full view of all the facts. Have you a right to reproach her, by word, look, or action ? Is it kind, is it even politic to do so ? Is it for you to do any thing more than, by a kind, moral and Christian influence, to try to re- store her to the social world, from which the tyrant fashion had decoyed and seduced her ? Or perhaps your companion is continually 268 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. feeble, a burden to herself and to society, and a heavy bill of expense to you—to say nothing of the tax upon your patience. But is it not the greatest cruelty to remind her of it ? Ought you not, on the contrary, to do all in your power to banish every rising suspicion—should she be apt to look on the dark side of things— from her mind ? That Divine Providence who guides the destinies of mankind, and causes even the wrath, and folly, and error, of man to praise him, may have seen that you needed the very discipline which falls to your lot. Be it yours, then, to improve the trial to the greatest mental and spiritual advantage. Even if you are able to trace the disease to her own errors, or those of her parents or other friends, it is not the part of kindness to do so in her presence. Your business is, to do all you can to restore her—for her sake and your own—for the sake of her family and country. Finally, you may wound the feelings of a companion, and that, too, permanently, by neg- lecting to sympathize with her, and to manifest your sympathy. I do not ask you to affect what you do not feel; but I do ask it of you to consider well the claims which a female has on a partner, for whose society she has forsaken all else she holds dear, her Father in heaven and GIVING PAIN. 269 the interests of a heavenly Father's house alone excepted. I ask it of you to consider how much your own happiness will be promoted by a habit of sympathizing with her, and laboring to pro- mote her happiness, on every possible occasion. I do not undertake to say that no husband should, in any circumstances, give pain to a wife ; for the tenderest affection and the most endearing kindness sometimes call for the in- fliction of momentary pain, even of the severest sort. There may be cases where it will be the duty of both the husband and wife, in prosecu- ting the work of mutual reformation and im- provement—as the surgeon in endeavoring to save by excision—to inflict deep and lasting pain. But such instances will probably but seldom occur in the matrimonial state; and whenever they do, no circumstances should be wanting, as in the surgeon's case, to render the work of excision or amputation as quick and easy as possible. CHAPTER XXX. JEALOUSY AND SUSPICION. h. caution to husbands. Man, generally, the seducer Reforming by kindness. Meddlers to be neglected. On this topic I will not dwell. It is almost sufficient to say, in the language of another— " When once embarked in the matrimonial voyage, the fewer faults you discover in your partner, the better." That is, do not look out for faults ; but rather act upon the presumption that all is as it should be. The truth is, that causes for jealousy seldom exist, unless the fault is first your own. Some will deny this, I know; but it is easier to deny than to disprove it. Woman in married life, as well as woman in single life, has been most sadly and wickedly slandered in this respect. I have said elsewhere that man is, in general, the sedu- cer. This sentiment I now repeat; adding that, in most cases of infidelity in matrimonial life, man, too, is the first aggressor. JEALOUSY AND SUSPICION. 271 Even if a companion were to be guilty—as certainly may sometimes happen—of apparent indiscretions, the best way is to pass it over. If you cannot overcome and win back the wan- derer by kindness, you will hardly succeed in doing it at all. And the moment you manifest suspicion, that very moment—if real cause of suspicion should exist—do your troubles begin. You take your companion to be in fault, and by a well-known law of human nature, that we tend to become what we are taken to be, from that hour she grows worse and worse. Let me especially caution you against a class of meddlers every where found among us; sometimes in great numbers. Hear them not a moment; they are the pest of society. If they do good in a few instances, they do harm a hundred times for once that they are of public service. Leaving them to their own littleness, and attending quietly to your own business, is the safest way ; and is sometimes wholly suc- cessful. CHAPTER XXXI. TEASING AND SCOLDING. Account of a teasing and scolding husband. Hard fate of his wife. Bursts of anger. Permanent fretting. Motives to cultivate a good temper. Apostolic example. Exam- ple of our Savior. I have known one husband who never, or scarcely ever, appeared before his family—and especially before his wife—with a smile; but almost always with a frown. However cheerful and smiling he might have appeared abroad, all was changed as soon as he entered his own humble dwelling. He who, having just seen him in the busy world, should witness, unob- served, the change on his returning to the bosom of his family, would hardly believe his own eyes. Nor was this all. Had he been merely un- interested in his family circle, his wife and children could have borne it. Their condition would indeed have been painful, but by no means intolerable. A dark, cloudy sky, though ominous enough, may be " endured" when it TEASING AND SCOLDING. 273 mutters no harsh thunder; but darkness and clouds, conjoined with distant thunder, and here and there the lightning's gleam, ominous as they are of scenes still worse, are so disagreeable that the dread of them can scarcely be overcome even by habit. Mr. L----had no malice in his heart; no, not a particle. But he had troubles in the world without; and, having maintained the ap- pearance of internal peace and quiet while abroad, he was forced, on coming home, to throw off the mask, and be himself again. The bow cannot always, as you know, remain bent, without losing its elasticity; neither can the swelling waters always be suppressed. So would the bitterness of Mr. L.'s soul find that vent for itself at home, which it dared not to find abroad; and the poor family was compel- led to submit to it. Sometimes he remained sullen, and would say very little indeed. This, however, was not, in general, the fact. He was much oftener rather communicative. John must do this, Henry that, and Arthur that. They must do it, moreover, immediately. He could brook no delay. If there was the least tardiness, the consequences were deplorable. I have seen him fly into quit© 18 274 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. a rage on these occasions; and beat, strike, and use profane language. In general, however, the storm did not be- come a hurricane. There was the gloomy coun- tenance, the dejected brow, the downcast eye, and the fretful voice and manner. Nothing was quite right. No food was exactly as it should be, in quality or quantity. No chairs stood in their places. Nothing in the house, nor out of doors, was faultless ; not excepting even the works of the Creator himself. His neighbors were fools or knaves—such, I mean, in his unhappy condi- tion, was the appearance of men and things to him. To me, young as I was—for it was in my younger days—few things could have been more distressing. I was sorry for all his family, but most for poor Mrs. L. She was, in her way, quite a good sort of woman; but no woman could do her best with such a husband. I say no woman could do her best. With a being without nerves, and consequently without sensa- tion—a mere automaton—the case might have been otherwise; but not with a delicate, sensi- ble, well-intentioned, and virtuous woman. She was always trying to do right, and please her husband; and yet it seemed to be her lot TEASING AND SCOLDING. 275 always to displease, and to have the credit of doing wrong. Forgetful of the thousand-and- one kindnesses of each day, if a single thing went wrong, she was at once frowned upon; perhaps rated. " A good-for-nothing trollop " I have heard her called again and again. I have also, in one instance, heard her threatened— " Eleanor, if you don't do better, I '11 beat you!" Poor Eleanor! she always did as well as she could; but the threats she heard sometimes agi- tated her so much that she would do exactly the contrary of what she intended, and receive a much severer reprimand than before. But it was the perpetual sourness, and grum- bling, and muttering—and especially the inward fretting, the effects of which appeared on the very countenance—that distressed the poor wife more than all the rest. Her soul was troubled because her husband's was. She could not be at peace within, to see him so internally misera- ble. She was bred to domestic scenes of a very different description. I am aware that I have presented a strong case. But so long as there is one such in the community—and I fear there are even many— it may be well to present it. No husband who has entered the darksome road of teasing and fretting, knows with certainty that he shall not 276 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. reach the sad extreme which I have attempted to describe. But if not—if there were never to be another such extreme case in the world— there are at least all degrees below it, down to the borders of perpetual sunshine, serenity, and cheerfulness. I wish, with all my heart, that husbands knew the full extent of the evils of a habit of teasing and scolding. A single burst of anger, injurious as it is, cannot for a moment be compared, in its results, with an habitual sourness and fretting. It wears out, in a single day only, many of the threads of life. But if this is the effect of one day's teasing, what must be the accumulated evils of fretting a whole year, or many years ? * But it is not so much the consequences of this internal conflagration to the individual, that I am now deploring, as its consequences to those whom God has given to educate—and in edu- cating to make happy. Does any husband doubt that the temper of his wife and his little ones will be permanently altered by his own habitual teasing and scold- * No one can indeed be supposed to fret continually, with- out intermission, since sleep comes in as an interruption—and it is well it does. The brain and nervous system would soon be worn out, were it not so. I refer to those who fret habit- nally, while awake. TEASING AND SCOLDING. 277 ing? He need not entertain any such doubts. As surely as you present a sour, unhappy coun- tenance, or introduce to your families fitful and fretful tones and words, so surely will these affect, more or less, their feelings, and counte- nance, and tones, and language. It is not in human nature to prevent it. There may, in- deed, be such a buoyancy of feeling in the very young, that cheerfulness will occasionally burst forth like the sun from the midst of the clouds which sometimes envelop it; but, depend upon it, the seeds are sown of an habitual ill temper, if not of downright habitual fretting. And as certainly as this is the result, the family is rendered by so much the more miserable. The motives to cultivate in ourselves and our families a sweet temper are so numerous, that, in enumerating them, I should scarcely know where to begin or end. It is not merely the improvement of the health of the husband, and of all the rest; it is not merely the increase of personal and social happiness within the domes- tic circle ; it is not merely the requisitions of the gospel of Jesus Christ;—it is all of these, and many more. But if there is one which pre- dominates, it is the consideration of what the gospel demands. How full is this of the mani- 278 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. festations of a different spirit from that of teas- ing or scolding! Instead of fretting, the apostles of our Lord and Savior sung psalms and hymns. In the worst circumstances in which they were placed, we have no intimation that a brow was lowered, a sour look introduced, or a fretful or threaten- ing word heard. In almost every trial there was a perpetual calmness of soul as far removed from our modern fashionable fretting and teas- ing—at least so it seems to me—as perpetual sunshine is from storms and darkness. Who can think, above all, of our Savior as guilty of teasing and fretting? He was evi- dently a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and there is no doubt his sorrows were sometimes allowed to have vent in tears. But can we conceive of him as fitful, fretful, teasing, threatening, scolding ? Ah no! Let me beg teasing and scolding husbands, if they have one particle of respect for Chris- tianity, and especially for the bright example of its Author, to endeavor on all occasions, but especially in their families, " to possess the same mind " which was in him, and to cultivate that quiet spirit which is in the sight of God of great price. CHAPTER XXXII. FAULT-FINDING. Finding fault from habit. Example of a husband at table. Hints to husbands Something due to the wife beyond mere exemption from suffering. The husband's ignorance of the female constitution. Husbands whose case is hope- less. Case of those who justify themselves in their conduct. The remarks I have to make under this head might have been included in the chapter on Teasing and Scolding; but, as there are some husbands who can hardly be said to fret, tease, or scold, regularly, who yet find a world of fault with those around them, I have thought it worth while to give them a few hints. Some find fault from mere habit. There may have been other motives at work, or other feelings concerned in the formation of so bad a habit; but when once formed, it is not uncom- mon to find fault almost without thinking about it. Indeed, the error is occasionally found to exist in company with the most complete gen- eral good nature. Something must be said, it seems, on every occasion, as a matter of course ; 280 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. and that something soon comes to be a species of fault-finding. No where, perhaps, is this habit more in- dulged than at the table. This is the more to be regretted because, however universal it is, and therefore to be expected by the family, it does somewhat diminish the general cheerfulness and happiness ; whereas few things contribute more to good digestion, and consequently to good health, than cheerfulness at our meals. On this subject one of our periodicals has a series of remarks, which I have ventured to transcribe with little variation. " Many a faithful wife has toiled during the hours of a long forenoon, to prepare a well- dressed dinner for her husband. Many a time> perhaps, did she congratulate herself upon the success which she supposed had attended her efforts, as she looked over the various dishes she had prepared, and waited almost with impatience for the return of her husband, that she might, for once, receive the smile of his approbation. " The husband at length came. But it was his habit to find fault. It was a part of his daily business at the table, and the usual amount of it was indulged on this occasion. "' The potatoes are half raw,' says the fault- finding husband. ' The steak is overdone— FAULT-FINDING. 281 altogether overdone. You know, I have told you often, I like steaks cooked rarely. The gravy is too thin: it reminds me of water-gruel. I ate a capital pudding at the hotel, the other day ; I wish I could ever have such a one at home.'" These sentences were uttered thoughtlessly, no doubt, without the least bad intention ; but, O ye husbands, do you not know that such say- ings—thoughtless though they are, and often entirely uncalled for—know you not that such sayings sting the heart ? " A woman toils with pleasure, if she finds her endeavors are appreciated ; but her soul is discouraged, when her husband rewards her de- votion to his enjoyments and convenience only by frowns, sneers, and complaints. That man who heedlessly or intentionally finds fault on every occasion, only lays the foundation for his own sorrow, for he takes away an important motive which actuates the wife to faithfulness and pains-taking,—and she must be more than a common woman, who, in the face of repeated fault-finding and censoriousness, can find a heart long to exert herself—only to receive again the same reward. " Every husband, and especially every parent, should feel that his example at table will tell 282 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. very deeply upon his children in time to come. If a father finds fault, the children will begin to think there is some reason for it, even when none exists, and they will soon begin to show their fastidiousness. When they go abroad, they will find it no easy thing to be suited, and perhaps they will lose the enjoyment of many a meal, because they have imbibed their father's habit of fault-finding at home, while their fellow- traveller, who had received a different education, will always find enough to enjoy, and a disposi- tion to enjoy it. " The more excellent way, then, for every father, is to cultivate the habit of being grateful for what he has, and of speaking of his food with satisfaction rather than with complaint. " If some accident has happened, by which some dish is not in perfect order, let him remem- ber that accidents will happen; let him reflect, that if he had done it himself, very lilcely it would have been worse ; let him never expect absolute perfection. Following these rules, he would soon find a very different temper in him- self, and, if we mistake not, a very different tem- per in those about him. The experiment is at least worth trying." It is true, that many a wife soon learns to dis- regard her husband's complaints, so far as to feel FAULT-FINDING. 283 little, if any, positive suffering; but there is a world of enjoyment, to which the wife is entitled, above and beyond the limits of mere exemption from inward anguish, or absolute pain. There is as wide a difference between mere freedom from pain and the highest degree of happiness conferred by kind looks, kind words, and kind actions, as can be conceived; and a far wider one than can be described. Husbands little know—many of them at least —the constitution of the female mind. They seem utterly ignorant of the pleasure it is in their power to confer. They seem not to know that though woman is so constituted as to bear every thing, yet she is also so constituted as to enjoy every thing, and to find her highest enjoy- ment in rendering her husband and family hap- py. Let her go through ever so much for her husband; and "one grateful word," as a writer on this subject has well said, " overpays her." But if one grateful word can produce so much pleasure, what shall we say of the kind words, and looks, and tones, and actions of a day? What of those of a week, or a month, or a year ? What of those of a life ? I have heard wives make it their boast that their husbands never had spoken a cross word 284 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. to them in their whole lives. This, it must be confessed, is doing much, very much ; so much, in fact, that I do not believe it is often done, even in the case of those who boast of it. But were it done, we see that a great deal may re- main undone which it were desirable the hus- band should do. He is under as strong obliga- tions to make a wife positively happy, as nega- tively so—to cause her the highest possible degree of happiness, as to exempt her from every degree of suffering. Many husbands will assent to all which I have said in this chapter. Truth, truth—every word of it truth—they will say. But what will be the result? Why, if they are already what they ought to be, they will probably continue so; but if not, though they may behold themselves as in a glass, they will be apt to go their way, and forget what manner of persons they were. This is the sort of people with whom I most dread to come in contact, and for whom I most dread to write; for they are the very sort from whom, in every department of reform, I have the least to hope. I allude to those who say, " Yes, yes," and yet do nothing. When people begin to find fault with a writer or speaker, I begin to have hope. It is the dangerous limb which feels not FAULT-FINDING. 285 the surgeon's knife. When the patient begins to shrink and complain, there is reason to hope that the part is not yet devoid of vitality. There is, however, one class of husbands, who, though ,not devoid of vitality, are exceed- ingly unapt scholars in the matter of which I am speaking. They tell us they have tried to break the habit of fault-finding, but cannot do it; and they verily believe it is constitutional. They are sorry they are so constituted, but they do not very well see that they can help it. They often envy those who are constituted differently ; still their own tempers remain the same. But what do these persons mean by being so constituted that they cannot help doing what they know they ought not to do? Do they mean to say that they were created of inferior materials, or that those materials were worse wrought than in the case of their more fortu- nate neighbors ? Do they mean to charge back the blame upon God? Or do they mean that they were badly educated? They will not, I trust, avow the former belief, though they may the latter. But if the latter, then what education has made them, education can unmake. There is no person under forty, and but few over that age, who cannot do much 286 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. towards changing their habits, physical, mental, and moral. I am ashamed—positively so—to hear a young husband talk about the impossi bility of changing his temper or habits. A rational being, and yet chained dpwn unaltera- bly by habit! A free agent, and yet not free ! Such sentiments are unworthy of any but Mo- hammedans or Pagans. CHAPTER XXXIII. KEEPING COOL. Should anger ever rise ? Should it be permitted to rage r Restraining our feelings. Keep cool in discussion. Keep cool every way. Keep the blood pure. Meanness of anger. Happiness of a natural temper. Means of restrain- ing the temper. Confessing the fault, at evening. I do not see how it is possible to pass through twenty, thirty, forty, or fifty years of married life—if the Divine Author,of matrimony should permit its duration so long—and not, sometimes, feel those risings of temper to which the best of mankind have, in general, been more or less subject. Nor can I say that I should envy those who were so indifferent—so wanting in sensibil- ity—as never to have a single feeling of dis- pleasure towards each other. But to feel the risings of indignation or of an- ger is one thing; and to suffer anger to rage is quite another. I do not indeed despair of a period in the history of our world when Chris- tians will be able to put away all anger, as Paul directs. Nay, I do not think that any person— 288 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. any husband among the rest—ought to despair of putting away anger from his own breast, in the progress of a very few years ; but it cannot always be done in a moment. In the early part of matrimonial life, differing as the habits, opinions, tastes, desires, hopes, and fears of the parties necessarily must, some rising emotions of indignation, if not of dowa- right anger, may perhaps be expected. Our wisdom at that period consists in restraining those emotions. If angry at all, we should be angry and " sin not; " we should let not the sun go down upon our wrath. And if we are faithful, in every instance, to keep under our tempers, and suffer no moments of rage, there is much reason for believing we shall, in a very few years, get the mastery over ourselves, and be able to keep the most impetuous temper within due bounds, if not to put away wrath and anger altogether. The utmost pains should be taken by the par- ties to keep cool; and here again, as in many other matters, the husband should set the ex- ample. Whenever a matter of interest to the parties is under discussion, and any warmth begins to be perceived, let the motto of this chapter be recollected, and let each remember to keep cool. KEEPING COOL. 289 When any thing happens suddenly, which was not foreseen, and which is of a nature cal- culated to irritate, let the husband and wife both watch, with the utmost anxiety, against anger. Especially is it incumbent on the hus- band to exert himself on such occasions, and by all means endeavor not only to keep cool himself, but to keep others so. Whatever heats the blood unduly, favors, directly or indirectly, the production of anger. Of this description are alcoholic and narcotic drinks. There is, indeed, a short time after taking small doses of exciting drinks, during which, in most persons, they produce feelings which are pleasurable, the reverse of anger__ but the period is short. As a general rule— one, too, which admits of but few exceptions__ a person will be much more likely to be over- taken by anger for using any sort of drink which is more exciting than water. Let the young husband who wishes to avoid every im- proper feeling of every description, remember to avoid, with the utmost care, all exciting food or drink. Let him keep his blood and all his flu- ids in as pure a state as he possibly can. What- ever others may do, favorable or adverse to a quiet temper, let him by all means resolve to keep cool, entirely so. 19 290 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. Anger is to be avoided by both parties ; and I would say nothing against its indulgence in one party which should be construed into its allowance on the part of the other. The indul- gence of anger cannot be justified, even among equals. But inasmuch as any husband claims a superiority over his companion, by so much is any degree of anger towards her still more to be condemned, let the kind or degree of the provocation be what it may. Nothing shows a greater meanness of spirit than an overbearing temper, manifested in our behavior to inferiors. To be angry, and to abuse, by our angry words or actions, those who, we know, will not answer again, either for fear of blows or of rousing us into a tenfold greater rage, is as sure a mark of cowardice as it would be to attack, with a drawn sword, a woman or a child. There is hardly a greater happiness than an even, natural temper, neither liable to be ex- tremely eager and sanguine, nor stoically indif- ferent and insensible ; neither apt to be worked up to a tempest with every trifle, nor buried in a continual lethargy. I have no sympathy with those who value a person's temper in proportion as it is incapable of being moved out of a monotonous line. And KEEPING COOL. 291 yet there are some such. I know of one boy, who was not only grave, but imperturbable in his temper. It is true that out of sight of the world, he was at times impetuous; but in soci- ety, he had as much stoicism as you can well conceive. This was mistaken for merit, and was rewarded. But it was a great mistake. The best methods of governing an impetuous temper are various. I will suggest a few which appear to me most worthy of attention. Consider, in the first place, what there is in life which is worth getting into a passion for. It is foolish "to level dread artillery at a fly." Consider, in the next place, what you will be likely to gain by anger. The more you indulge it, the more you may. Give an inch, in matters of this sort, and an ell will be demanded. It is much easier to subdue your temper when you have been angry but once, than when you have been angry twice. Consider, at times, what you will do when the hour of provocation arrives. This rule is of the utmost importance, and by neglect of it thou- sands fall. They have no plan of conduct in this matter, and when temptation comes, they have no door of escape. Some may succeed in overcoming their rising feelings by counting, deliberately, a hundred. 292 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. This has often been recommended. Others make it a rule to repeat the Lord's Prayer, slowly. Others may succeed by forcing them- selves to a complete silence. There are indeed many of this description. Every word we say, after the storm begins to rise, only contributes to its violence. Others still, who are conscious of wanting self-command to do this, have no re- source left them but flight. Such should betake themselves to their heels, let the consequences be What they may. But suppose, after all, you should be overtaken. Suppose you should get angry with the wife of your bosom. Will you justify yourself in it? Will you not frankly confess your error at the evening review, if not before ? To stand it out, would it not double your fault ? To do wrong and then persist in it, what is it but to do wrong twice ? It is pride which restrains us from confessing our wrong deeds. But should a Christian be proud—above all, a Christian husband? What sort of an example would he thus set? And suppose you should fairly own yourself to have been in the wrong. Are you not a human be- ing ? And is it mortifying to own it ? I repeat the apostle's language—Let not the sun go down upon your wrath. At least, let your fault be KEEPING COOL. 293 confessed ere you sleep, that you may be pre- pared to begin life anew the following morning. I close this chapter with the following extract. It was originally addressed to the husband and wife both, but is happily adapted to my present purpose. " To err is the lot of humanity. Illness will sometimes make you petulant, and disappoint- ment ruffle the smoothest temper. Guard, I beseech you, with unremitting vigilance, your passions; controlled, they are the genial heat that warms us along the way of life—ungovern- ed, they are consuming fires. Let* your strife be one of respectful attentions and conciliating conduct. Cultivate, with care, the kind and gentle affections of the heart. Plant not, but eradicate the thorn that grows in your partner's path. Above all, let no feelings of revenge find harbor in your breast—let the sun never go down upon your anger. A kind word—an obli- ging action—if it be in a trifling concern, has a power superior to the harp of David, in calm- ing the billows of the soul." CHAPTER XXXIV. GOOD NATURE. Cultivation of cheerfulness. French notions of cheerfulness. Three advantages of cheerfulness. Difficulties to be sur- mounted. Female grumblers. I must press upon the young husband the importance of doing something more than mere- ly to avoid teasing, scolding, fault-finding, and anger. All this should, indeed, be done; but there are other things which ought not to be left undone. The cultivation of good nature and general habits of cheerfulness, are of primary importance, not only to himself, but to the fam- ily over whom he presides. Many a teacher, on going into his school- room, in a pensive or unhappy mood, has sup- posed his pupils sour, or crabbed, or ill-natured. No mistake is more common. It requires no little share of philosophy to detect the error, and to discover that the fault is often in himself. In like manner, a husband who is ill natured, will be very likely to think his wife and family in the same mood, and to charge on them an GOOD NATURE. 295 evil which is wholly chargeable on himself. This, alone, is a reason why cheerfulness should be cultivated. A French writer, it is said, has devoted a whole volume to this subject. He endeavors to show the importance of gayety, as he calls it, to the health and happiness of ourselves and others. I wish the immense advantages of cheerfulness were better understood. I do not think they have ever been overrated. I shall venture a few further remarks on this cardinal topic. 1. On its example. I have alluded to this. I will only add that, if we wish our example— the example of the tones, voice, countenance, &c.—to have its best possible influence on the character of our family, and those around us, we should strive, by all means, to preserve the greatest possible degree of good nature. 2. It promotes health. The heart and lungs work better, and the brain and nervous system are in a better state. The stomach and diges- tive system feel the salutary effects of continual cheerfulness, quite as much as the brain or lungs. 3. Even a pious man himself seems to me much more pious for being cheerful. Here is a subject on which a volume might be written ; 296 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. and if written in the right spirit, and by a truly scientific and philosophic Christian, could not but be productive of immense good. I acknowledge the difficulty of preserving our souls in patience, in the midst of certain provo- cations which are occasionally to be met with; but the greater the difficulty, the more imperious is the call to such a measure of exertion as will be likely to overcome it. One of the worst trials we have to meet with, is when we fall into the hands of those creatures designated, in the " Autobiography of a Dissenting Minister," by the name of "female grumblers;" one of whom is thus admirably described in that work:— " There was such a mournfulness in her style; it was not a good, downright, sturdy sort of grumble ; it was all sorrowfulness, and al- most, nay. sometimes quite crying. She used to say that she felt herself a burden to every one ; and when any one came to see her, she used to express herself so deeply obliged by every kind attention, though at the same time any omission of such civility would provoke a serious fit of lamentation. She converted, or rather perverted, every thing into the means of mournfulness. She had the knack of making things joyful the means of sadness. GOOD NATURE. 297 " Even her thankfulness was lamentable. She had a kind of piety, peculiar, I think, to herself; for every painful or unpleasant circumstance in life she regarded as a punishment for her sins; and every thing that was pleasant, prosperous, or agreeable, set her upon grieving at the thought that it was more than she deserved. " In dry weather, she thought that the earth would be parched up, and that all vegetation would perish; and in wet weather, if she could not see a rainbow, she thought that another deluge was coming to sweep away the inhab- itants of the earth. She saw in the world nothing but sin and sorrow. She used to say, for example, that ministers of the gospel should never laugh, and that they wore black to inti- mate that they were in mourning for the sins of the world." I close this chapter by observing that, as I know of no method of escape from these grum- blers, my counsel to husbands is, to take as little notice of their moans as possible, as the most likely way of suppressing them. CHAPTER XXXV. CONFIDENCE AND RESERVE. Unreasonableness of reserve. Husbands sometimes hermits. Who are most to be pitied. Taking people to be bad. The principle illustrated. Adults but larger children. Anec- dote of female interference. An extract. Nothing seems to me more unreasonable than that reserve which some husbands manifest. How a husband who loves his wife can have that want of confidence in her, which such re- serve implies, it is difficult to conceive. I am driven, however, more and more, to the conclu- sion that, for the most part, very little genuine affection in this relation exists. The habit of reserve, in the presence and society of a wife, would, with me, divest life of half its enjoyment. One of the great advan- tages of a matrimonial over a single state, arises from the fact that it gives us a bosom-friend. Without a friend, the world is said to be a wil- derness ; and if there be a recluse in this world, it is the married man who has no wife—I mean who does not make a full confidant of her. CONFIDENCE AND RESERVE. 299 When this becomes necessary—when the husband is condemned for life to the society of a woman who is utterly unworthy of his confi- dence—it is impossible for me to resist the risings of pity. It matters little how unwise he has been in regard to the choice of a partner; the more so, the more, as it seems to me, is he to be pitied. If he who puts out his own eyes is more to be commiserated than he who has them put out accidentally, surely he is more to be pitied, who, in the heat of passion, weds a fool, than he who does it with more deliberation, or for the sake of extrinsic advantages. I have alluded elsewhere to the known prin- ciple of human nature, that mankind tend to become what they are taken to be ; and no where, perhaps, will the principle apply in a more striking manner than in the case before us. A single illustration will make the princi- ple more intelligible. Let a teacher go into a school for the first time, and begin his administration by laying down a code of laws, with penalties annexed for every offence, which, judging from his past experience in teaching, may be likely to occur. Every whisper, for example, is to be punished thus; every smile thus ; every oath thus ; and every blow at a younger playmate, thus. How 300 the young husband. long will it be ere such a teacher will have full employment? How long ere swearing and striking out of school, and laughing and whispering within, will be so frequent that he will have enough to do, as judge, jury, and executioner, without finding much time to teach ? The reason is, he took the pupils to be bad— wickedly disposed—at the outset; and what he took them to be, they accordingly became. They found the teacher had no confidence in them, or respect for them; and they soon began to lose confidence in, and cease to respect them- selves. Taking it for granted they should never be able to satisfy him, they gave up all hope of it, and behaved just as badly as they could, and yet escape censure and punishment. Now, men and women are but children of a larger growth, and human nature is nearly the same among large children as among small ones. Let a husband take his wife to be unworthy of confidence—let him manifest this want of con- fidence in her in his daily actions—which always speak louder than words—and how long will it be ere she will become unworthy of his confidence ? Let him treat her with reserve and mistrust, and it may not be many years—perhaps not many months—before she will be unfit to be trusted. CONFIDENCE AND RESERVE. 301 There is, indeed, a great difference among females as well as males ; and there is of course a slight difference in the particular effect which the treatment I have spoken of will be likely to have on the individual concerned. Some, I know, will be excited to a species of retaliation, and by prying into the husband's concerns, and getting a distorted view of things, or by harass- ing him with their questions, vex him beyond measure. Others, however—and such will be by far the most numerous class—will lose all sympathy with their husband, and cease to take any interest in his employments ; and this feeling will extend itself till all feeling of union in heart and purpose will be gradually destroyed. And yet there are thousands and tens of thou- sands of husbands who treat their wives more or less in the manner I have described; and yet wonder to find them so indifferent to the things which themselves deem of most importance. So general, indeed, is this state of things, that it is a very common belief that woman's judgment and advice in business matters is of no conse- quence. Whereas the truth is, that it is of no consequence because the husband has actually made it so. There is not one woman in a hun- dred, not destitute of common sense, whose advice and sympathy, if not her assistance, 302 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. would not be of the very greatest importance, were she treated, from the first, in such a man ner as she should be. The following thoughts, on this subject, were found in one of our periodicals. They are so much to my purpose that I venture to insert them entire. " He is a happy husband who makes his wife his universal confidant—and he is a fool who thinks any woman of common sense is unfit for the trust. He who conceals his business from his wife—we mean the general outlines—neg- lects to avail himself of the best adviser within his reach. " The strength of mind of woman—her pru- dence, capacity, and tact—are every day illus- trated in the exertions of widows for their father- less children. The man who wishes well to his offspring should prefer to die, if either husband or wife must, rather than that they should lose the care of a mother at an early age. There is no labor to which the widow will not apply her- self; no sacrifice she will not make, to rear her children in the possession of all attainable ad- vantages, mental and physical. "The position in which nature and the usages of society have placed her, confers ad- vantages which it is out of the order of things CONFIDENCE AND RESERVE. 303 for man to possess. As an illustration, let us imagine a grand battle. What knows the soldier who is contending in the thickest of the battle, with sufficient about him to occupy his eyes, ears, mind, and hands, of the general turn and tendency of the great manoeuvres in which he is but the smallest acting agent? His business is with the moment—his struggle is with the instant. " Now let us imagine a spectator placed where he can see what division of one army presses on another of its antagonist. Let him have such a general view, that he can see who advances and who retreats—who gains and who loses. The result of the engagement, which perhaps surprises both conqueror and conquered, comes not unexpectedly to him. Internally, his hopes or his fears had already predicted it to him. " Such is the position of woman. Aloof from immediate contact with the world, she curiously scans all that may affect those in whom she is interested. Her fears and her hopes—the for- mer, in a sensible and lovely woman, generally predominant—give her almost a seer's vision. She can reason upon such facts as reach her— make deductions from such movements as she observes, and cast, almost unerringly, the chances for or against a husband, a brother, or a son. 304 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. It is true that all does not reach her eye—it is true that she cannot readily understand every thing that does. But woman is of finer mould than man, and necessarily of quicker perception. If she does not understand all, she does enough to enable her to make very correct surmises. She does not require to be told in so many words when all does not go well with her hus- band. His face is to her a sufficient guide and index. If she cannot reach all his intentions and movements, neither can the spectator of a battle divine the general orders, except by obser- vation of their fulfilment. The parallel holds good to the letter. " ' J shall have to provide a home for all these Icings yet,' said the mother of Napoleon, at a time when the emperor was in the zenith of his power, and his brothers, the satellites who borrowed their brilliancy from the little corporal, were of course well provided for. The event happened near enough to her surmise to give it the character of prophecy—and the only prophets we have in this uninspired age, worth calling such, are of the female sex." I have already dwelt on this subject at con- siderable length ; but when I see such sad mis- takes made every where in life, I cannot forbear CONFIDENCE AND RESERVE. 305 to believe I shall be pardoned, if I extend my remarks a little farther. I have seen many a husband, who, being en- gaged in making a bargain with his neighbor or friend when his wife was present, was so annoyed by her interference, that he found it difficult to refrain from commanding positive silence ; or, what perhaps was little better, from requesting her to attend to her own business. Now, there never would be any such interfe- rence on the part of a woman of any sense, were she treated as a wife ought to be. I have said " a woman of any sense ; " but the fact is, all females, or nearly all, might be women of sense, were they treated by their husbands in the manner I propose. It is this which makes sense; and when I see a wife destitute of common sense—and such sights are not rare—I am apt to charge it to her husband, or to the foolish custom which has prevailed, time immemorial, as to the treat- ment of women by husbands generally. It may be questioned whether one female in a hundred could resist the persevering efforts of a husband to make her interested in his concerns, and qualified to give her opinion and advice respecting them. I have known one instance of utter want 20 306 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. of confidence on the part of the husband which seemed to be but little injurious— though only one. In this singular instance, the wife was a mere passive creature, content to have no character of. her own. All she did was to keep the house and take care of the children. To do this—to perform the duties of nurse, cook, and waiting and chamber maid—she was indeed excellent; but she was no more a com- panion or associate of her husband, than if she had been the lowest servant. The following remarks, from an Edinburgh journal, are so much in accordance with my own views, that I venture to transcribe them literally. " In order to secure the felicity of the mar- ried state, a husband must, in the first place, endeavor to secure the perfect confidence of his wife. He must banish every thing repulsive from his manner towards her, and live with her on such easy and friendly terms that she may never be discouraged from communicating with and consulting him on every affair, whether it be in the lesser or the greater concerns of life. If a wife do not find at home sympathy with her afflictions, cares, and anxieties, she will seek it abroad—she will detail her griefs to some ac- quaintance, to whom she will go for advice in matters of difficulty, and, perhaps, in matters of CONFIDENCE AND RESERVE. 307 delicacy, which cannot properly be appreciated by a stranger, and therefore ought not to be in- trusted to the ear of one. The happiness of the family will thus be made to depend in a great measure on a person not a member of it, who, whatever be her prudence, is not intimately interested in the preservation of its peace, and who is more likely to take a side, and encour- age feelings of animosity, than to inculcate the duty of mutual forbearance. " The husband's duty must, therefore, be, to establish in the mind of his partner an entire reliance on his affection, and a thorough persua- sion that he is disposed, to the full amount of his power, to promote her comfort. Let him not think it beneath him to take an interest in her domestic arrangements; by showing that he does so, he will make her sensible that her efforts to render home pleasing are not un- appreciated ; her labor for that end will be redoubled, and yet prove more light to her. As he must be abroad the greater part of the day, let him not deprive her of his company in the hours of leisure that business leaves him. " The husband must not accustom himself to form resolutions, and, without previously con- sulting his wife, make a sudden declaration of his purposes, in the same way as he would 308 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. casually mention to a neighbor a plan the exe- cution of which he is just on the point of com- mencing. Even although such resolutions may be come to in a spirit of wisdom, to determine upon any measure without her participation, argues a want of confidence in her affection and judgment, and cannot fail greatly to distress and discourage her. " Granting that there are some matters of which the husband is the most competent judge, and that his wife cannot aid or improve his schemes, still she ought to be made acquainted with them, and the reasons for them, as far as possible; for it is only proper that the wife should be admitted to the satisfaction of know- ing what is expected to produce advantage to her husband. "As to what some write, that women are not fit to be intrusted with great affairs, it may have been true in the cases which gave occasion to the remark, where the object involved a course of crooked policy, or where the ear to which the secret was committed was that of a female from whom fidelity was scarcely in any case to be expected. " If a man's designs be bad, the best way for success in them is to make the disclosure to nobody—least of all to women, to whom, if they CONFIDENCE AND RESERVE. 309 be depraved, how can he trust? and, if they be not thoroughly hardened in wickedness, how much less can he trust to them, seeing that, being of much tenderer consciences than men, they are always more ready to relent ? "But if he would make his way in the world by fair and honest practices, a husband can have no better counsellor than his wife: her stretch of understanding may not be so masculine as to embrace the subject in all its more important bearings, but, in the lesser details of manage- ment, her advice may prove invaluable. " Without a constant and unreserved inter- change of sentiments, a constant and perfecl cordiality cannot be maintained; and thenj indeed, when things are communicated only by fits and starts, and perhaps never more than half explained, leaving an impression that her discretion is distrusted, the wife will be more apt to carry them abroad, to endeavor, by the help of other wits than her own, to penetrate what is concealed, and in the hope of finding, in the sympathy of others, consolation for the want of confidence with which she is treated at home. " It is thus that a man becomes by degrees (a stranger in his own house.' His domestic behavior is observed with the same distant 310 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. caution with which his conduct in public is scrutinized; and, as in all likelihood he does not take the same pains to produce a favorable impression, and is not equally on his guard to obviate misinterpretations of what he says and does, he must appear proportionably less amia- ble ; and, as the endearments of domestic life are in consequence withdrawn, the bad effects of his own unsocial humor are at last felt in his own discomfort." CHAPTER XXXVI. GIVING PRESENTS, AND LITTLE THINGS. Bringing home presents. Their effects on both parties. Presents on various occasions. Laughing at these things. Concessions of wives. Little things. A great mistake. Who are truly great men. Remarks of a philosopher. "I really think," says the author of the " Whisper to a Newly-married Pair," " that a husband, whenever he goes from home, should always endeavor, if possible, to bring back some little present to his wife. If ever so trifling or valueless, still the attention gratifies her; and to call forth a smile of good humor, should be always a matter of importance. Every one who knows any thing of the human mind, agrees in acknowledging the power of trifles in imparting either pain or pleasure." It has been my purpose to show in another place, that there is no better way for the hus- band, who wishes to preserve his affection for the wife, than to pursue a series of unremitting kindnesses; since we love those to whom we do 312 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. good, more than we love those who do good to us. But if the happiness of both the husband and the wife can be secured and promoted by means so very simple, how important is it that such means should not be overlooked ! I would, of course, go much farther than the author of the " Whisper " in this matter. I would, indeed, have the husband bring home presents after being absent a while, but I would also have them given at other and various times; such as at the recurrence of a birth-day, Christ- mas, a new year, &c. Once, I should have smiled at the merest sug- gestion of the importance of such little things as these, as means of keeping up the flame of conjugal affection. That which could only be preserved by such trifling efforts, I should have said, was hardly worth preserving at all. But times, and things, and opinions change, and well they may. We should be undeserving the name of rational beings, if our opinions were not sus- ceptible of change. I am now fully convinced of the truth of the following lines from one of our best writers: " Since trifles make the sum of human things, And half our misery from these trifles springs, Oh ! let the ungentle spirit learn from thence, A small unkindness is a great ofFence." GIVING PRESENTS, AND LITTLE THINGS. 313 I am also equally well assured that a small kindness, on the other hand, is promotive of very great pleasure ; and that those husbands who despise these little things, as they are sometimes regarded, know little of themselves, and still less of female character generally. Many a wife, who might perhaps be unwilling to acknowledge herself influenced by what are called trifles, is yet fully conscious of their effect. I have known sensible women, such as had the good fortune—a fortune confessedly not so common as might be desired—to have sensible husbands, acknowledge with the utmost freedom this tendency in their natures, leaving it to their husbands to do as they pleased about paying any regard to it. A husband who would treat such a confession with disdain, and, above all, with sneers and ridicule, would be quite unwor- thy the name or place of a husband in society. And yet such husbands there are ; and those in no small number, either. On the subject of little things in general, I may be allowed to remark, in the language of another, that " our lives are made up of little things. If the neglect of little duties is a source of unhappiness, they at once lose their insig- nificancy. If little peculiarities of manner, of expression, or habit, are annoying, they are of 314 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. sufficient importance to claim the attention and demand the amendment of every well-inclined individual. It may be set down as an invariable rule, that the peculiar politeness and proprieties of every-day life cannot be violated or neg- lected with impunity. If they are, vexations, estrangements, and petty quarrels, will most assuredly ensue." I am sometimes pained to find husbands so careful to do their duty—their whole duty—in all the larger matters of life, while in the smaller matters, especially those of their homes and fire- sides, they are wholly neglectful; as if their reputation with the world was of far more im- portance than the good opinion, and affection, and confidence of their own family. This cer- tainly ought not so to be. It has sometimes been said that the truly great men of this world are but little known ; and I think the remark a just one. I believe that the time will come, in the history of our world, when he will be the truly great man who discharges, with the utmost scrupulousness, his whole duty to God and his fellow-men—in every possible relation which he sustains to the latter—not only in the larger matters of life, but particularly in the smaller matters. In that day of the world's history, those who are now GIVING PRESENTS, AND LITTLE THINGS. 315 deemed the world's great men, will be seen to be, in reality, its little men. Then will be brought to pass the saying of our Savior—" The last shall be first, and the first last;" and many a person in an obscure cottage, or in the hum- blest situation—some shepherd of Salisbury plain—will be found to sit on the right hand and on the left hand of the Son of God in his kingdom. I close this chapter by the following remarks of a Christian philosopher, the excellency of whose writings has never been disputed—beg- ging every husband who has any sense of respon- sibility to God or man, to take them into serious consideration :— " Those that are curious observers of man- kind love to consider them in the most familiar lights. When men are abroad, they choose to appear (whatever they really are) to the best advantage ; but at home, their minds, as well as their persons, are in a perfect undress and dishabille. The world is the great theatre on which they act a part; but behind the scenes they may be seen in their proper persons, with- out any studied appearances. "Our domestic behavior is therefore the main test of our virtue and good nature. In public, we may carry a fair outside; our love may be 316 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. not without dissimulation, nor our hatred with- out disguise ; but at home, nature, left to itself, shows its true and genuine face, with an unre- served openness, and all the soul stands forth to view, without any veil thrown over it. There we see men in all the little and minute circum- stances of life, which, however they may be overlooked by common observers, yet give a man of discernment a truer opening into a man's real character, than the more glaring and important transactions of it; because, as to these, they are more upon their guard—they act with more of caution and of art, than of plain, sim- ple nature. In short, our good or ill breeding is chiefly seen abroad, our good or ill nature at home. "It were to be wished that we had more fam- ily pieces preserved and transmitted down to us. The good public magistrate is of use to few only ; but the prudent and affectionate father of a family is of a more general and extensive in- fluence. For my part, I more admire Cornelius the centurion, for that short sketch of his char- acter, viz. that he was a devout man, and one that feared God, with all his house, than if he had been represented as the most victorious general that had enlarged the bounds of the Roman empire ; for we learn from it this useful lesson GIVING PRESENTS, AND LITTLE THINGS. 317 —that the influence of a pious example, like the precious ointment from Aaron's beard, de- scends downwards from the head of the family, diffuses itself over the main body, till it reaches the very skirts—the lowest members of it." CHAPTER XXXVII. JOKES AND PUNS. One species of pun quite reprehensible. Duty of the hus- band in this respect. Remarks on joking. Scripture doc- trine. A judgment to come. Safest course to be pursued. There is a play upon words—a mongrel affair, half pun, half innuendo—quite common in some grades of society, but which it were highly desirable to avoid. I have more than hinted at this foolish custom in Chapter XXV.; but it deserves a more special notice. I have known this form of speech made use of in society which was deemed quite respecta- ble. The wives and daughters of many of our farmers and mechanics, whose ears would tingle at any thing obviously impure, are not unfre- quently—nay, even unblushingly—assailed with it. I do not say it is so bad as the more fash- ionable impurities of our theatrical entertain- ments ; but it is bad enough, and, for the honor of human nature, ought to be suppressed, by a more elevated public or family sentiment. JOKES AND PUNS. 319 Now, it is, in no small measure, in the power of every head of a family to control these mat- ters. I never knew the evil to which I allude very prevalent, unless it was introduced, or at least sanctioned, by the husband. Let him but set his face against it, and persevere in his course with as much energy as he would mani- fest in the pursuit of an office of honor or emolument, or in pushing a bargain which was likely to secure to him ten, fifteen, or twenty thousand dollars, and he can hardly fail of a victory—a victory than which few could be mentioned, except that over ourselves, more glorious. As to joking, in the usual acceptation of the term, I cannot say much in its favor. For though I am as fond of steady cheerfulness and occasional pleasantry as any one need be, yet I never like those coarse jokes, without which pleasantry is thought by most people to lose half its charms. I would say this if I were but an atheist, and writing for a world of atheists; but I say it with still more earnestness, in view of a judgment to come, to which we are all bound, and at which, as the Scriptures assure us, we must render an account for every idle word. How can a husband and wife spend much of 320 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. the time of this short life in that sort of inter- course which, if it do not degenerate, as it is quite apt to do, into low blackguard, is at least characterized in Scripture as not being "con- venient ;" and which there is but too much reason to believe is little less than one form of profanity ? How can they do this when there are no other members of the family than them- selves? But how can they do it, above all, when there are children and domestics to con- tract a disease so fatal ? The safest way is not to indulge in the habit at all. Avoid, at all times, and in all places and circumstances, every appearance of evil. Form, in every respect, the best habits of con- versation ; and then, though you live a hermit, you are safe; but if you live in society, you will not contaminate it. CHAPTER XXXVIII. DALLIANCE. A species of imprudence. Apologies. Living in fear of each other. Example of Paul. Perhaps there are few young husbands to whom the remarks I am about to make will at all apply. But so long as there is one of the kind among us, poisoning, and destroying, and making miserable, sufficient reason exists for presenting in this place a word of caution. Some of the best and kindest husbands I have ever known, have been addicted to a species of lingering, not to call it by a name still more ob- jectionable, among their female friends, which, to say the least, is not in strict conformity to the golden rule; and which, whenever it is known, is apt to give pain to their wives. Let not these husbands console themselves with the belief that their wives do not care—because they never express any anxiety. How can they? Yet be assured, reader, whoever thou art that holdest such an opinion, they are not 21 322 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. destitute of feeling, nor of the passions which belong to human nature. You mean no harm, you say. I suppose not. But it may lead to harm. Can one tread on live coals and not be burned ? Suppose, how- ever, it should neither injure you, by leading to what you do not at present contemplate, nor by awakening jealousy in another bosom; is it a safe example to set ? Would you like to see other husbands treating your own female friends in the same way—your daughters, or sisters, for example ? Would you like to have a son of yours treat a beloved wife in this way ? But why should you set an example which you would not be willing to have followed by your son ? I would not encourage a fastidiousness, which is foolish or unreasonable, in either sex. I would not have people live together in this world as if they were afraid of each other. To live always in a state of distrust, both of ourselves and others, which borders upon sus- picion, would be to divest life, and the social joys of life, of half their charms.—Still, there is a course of prudence to be observed, which it concerns all husbands and wives, who are ignorant of it—if any such there are—to un- derstand. DALLIANCE. 323 To the pure, we are often told, all things are pure. True, but who are the pure ? Who is not susceptible of injury ? Does not Paul, the apostle, assure us that it cost him a struggle to keep his passions in due subjection ? Are we stronger than he ? CHAPTER XXXIX. REVEALING SECRETS. Charge against females. Some silly husbands. Sources of frequent difficulty. Complaints of husbands. Several queries proposed. Secret-telling husbands contemptible. It has sometimes been said of the female sex, that they cannot keep a secret, even on behalf of their husbands ! Many a story has been told, and many a joke passed, to illustrate the truth of this very current opinion. Nor can it be denied that there is some slight foundation for it. There certainly is a class of women, who, though they may have benevolent hearts, have vacant heads and empty hands—so far at least as to be perpetually gadding and talking—and who, to give to themselves importance, are apt to abound in the marvellous, and to appear to have many secrets. These, especially if they concern the reputation of their husbands, they communicate to the sisterhood—one of them perhaps alone—with very great caution. She must not mention it for the world ; for it might REVEALING SECRETS. 325 ruin both her and her husband. But the indi- vidual to whom it is revealed feels the same irrepressible desire to reveal it to one of her choice friends; she to one of hers, and so on— till at last the mystery is out, and the poor hus- band, perhaps, has his property attached by a public officer, or is thrown into prison. And yet, though there are silly wives in the world, it does not follow that there are no silly husbands. Of woman's aptitude to tattle where she should not—I mean, now, in matrimonial life—I happen, very fortunately, to know but little, except by hearsay ; but it has been my lot to become acquainted with several tattling hus- bands. Many a husband has revealed secrets respect- ing his wife, which, had they not remained invio- late in the bosoms of those to whom they were communicated, must, inevitably, have made great difficulty. What necessity is there for this ? Why not " keep our tongues," as the saying is, " between our teeth ?" I must confess, most frankly, that I have little patience with these tattling husbands. Woman's situation may be pleaded, in some good degree, in extenuation of her error. She is confined to her home more than man, and yet is naturally more voluble; so that when she is abroad, she 326 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. is disposed to talk fast and much; and the old adage says—though not always with truth—that " who talks much must talk in vain." But be this as it may, woman is apt—when she gets out of prison—to talk, and sometimes to say things which should have been suppressed. A certain husband once came to me, and complained bitterly of his wife. "I married her," said he, " ignorant of her character. I thought her likely to prove a help meet, whereas she proves a hinderance. Of course what I say must be a profound secret. " The truth is," he continues, " I am the most unfortunate man in the world. I am warm- hearted, full of sympathy, fond of being sympa- thized with, fond of conversation. But, if you will believe it, my wife has no fellow-feeling with me. We often read a little together; and I have sometimes attempted to draw her into conversation on certain favorite topics; but I can soon see, by the vacant face or stupid yawn, that she is wholly uninterested. " I cannot say that I do not respect her, for I do. She has many estimable and amiable qualities. But sympathize with her, or even love her, I cannot. I love my children, and for their sake can live with their mother ; but really I do not feel towards her as I could desire." REVEALING SECRETS. 327 Another comes and says—" I am deeply un- fortunate in regard to my wife. Many will set me down as an extravagant or avaricious man, just because my wife is perpetually goading me on this subject. She wishes to live in the same style with our rich neighbors. I have endeav- ored to show her the folly of her desires ; and she sometimes seems to be partly convinced ; but. by the next day, or at least by the next week, she is the same as before. "I would spend my life in doing good without much regard to the avails ; but this I cannot do, and enjoy at the same time a mo- ment's peace. If I am doing any thing for the public, without compensation, and she finds it out, I am soon harassed with her piteous com- plaints about our wants, present and future. < What shall we do in our old age,' she says, < and what is to become of our poor children ?' ' We shall soon be dependent on the town,' she sometimes says, ' and then you will see the na- ture and extent of your folly.' " Another tells me his wife is forever troubling him about his personal appearance and dress.. "I do not believe I am a sloven," says he; "and yet my dress is never such as she would prefer. If I were like some husbands, we should soon be in a quarrel. But I am com- 328 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. pelled to tell her I shall appear and dress as I please; and she has nothing to do but to be si- lent. This is a painful but necessary resort, and she submits to it because she cannot help it. I would leave her, were it not for the children, rather than have a perpetual din about my ears; but my children are dear to me, and for their sake I remain." These are specimens of the family secrets which husbands sometimes communicate, on condition that they go no farther: but to what purpose ? But why should I expose the follies of my wife ? Have I not virtually promised, when I took her to my arms, to conceal them ? And suppose I had not; is it not for my interest to do so? Will any person think the better of me for such petty disclosures? Does not every man of common sense know that one story is always good till another is told ? For my own part, I never hear a husband re- vealing, in this way, his family concerns, without experiencing both pain and disgust. I am sorry we have wives among us weak enough to expose their husbands; but the husband who exposes his wife is more than weak; he is absolutely mean and contemptible. CHAPTER XL. DISCRETION. Definition of the term. Value of this quality. Peculiarly valuable to the young husband Discretion is a word in every body's mouth, and yet few understand it precisely alike. With some, those persons are accounted discreet who are forever silent. With others, he is the dis- creet person who never reveals any thing which can properly be considered as a secret. Others, still, confound discretion with prudence. But when I use the term discretion, it is in a sense somewhat different from any of these. It embraces them, it is true, but it also includes much more. I mean by it, that faculty which enables a person to judge, skilfully and cautiously, what course of conduct it is proper and right to pur- sue. It is a species of discernment, in regard to conduct and things, which is of inestimable value in all the relations of life, but in none more so than in the relation of husband and wife. The husband or wife may make a com- 330 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. panion and others unhappy, when there is any want of a proper discretion, even though their general intentions are excellent. There are many qualities of the mind more shining than discretion, but few—very few- more useful. It is this which seems to impart a value to all the rest, by setting them to work in their proper times and places, and turning them to the advantage of the owner. It not only shows itself in words, but in actions, and is a kind of under agent of Providence to guide and direct us in the ordinary concerns of life. I wish every young husband would especially labor and pray that he may not only be discreet himself, and for his own sake, but be enabled to set an example of discretion to his family and all around him. Discretion is a gem of un- speakable value—but, unlike most gems, its value would be greatly enhanced in society were it more abundant. CHAPTER XLI. TAKING SIDES. The wisdom of suspending our judgments. Taking sides unnecessary and unreasonable. The husband and wife arrayed against each other. Minding our own business. I dislike, very much, to see a husband and wife as ready as some are to take sides, in regard to every little occurrence. It is not only more wise, but far more safe, to suspend our judgment as long as possible, and in most cases to pass no judgment at all. Where is the necessity, in the first place, of understanding all the details of every petty dis- agreement which happens to be going on in the community ? Does it make us either wiser or better ? Besides, the more we know and enter into these matters, the more we may. But if they come to our ears—and they can- not, I know, be always avoided—it does not follow that we should take the side of either party in the dispute. How seldom do we know the whole truth, on both sides ! And how poorly 332 the young husband. prepared are we for an impartial judgment of a thing or event till we know what can be said on both sides ! The maxim, One story is good till another is told, has meaning, and should be a word of caution to all who find themselves ready and apt, on all occasions, to take sides. If it is generally desirable to avoid not only the appearances, but the occasions of evil, how specially so in the relation of husband and wife ! How exceedingly unhappy to have the parties in such intimate relations often arrayed against each other, even in the smaller and more unim- portant concerns of life ! Every one should mind his own business, is an old maxim ; and I beseech the young husband who is disposed to meddle with every passing occurrence—small or great, important or un- important—and form and pronounce hasty opinions, to heed it; for it is of very great im- portance. Many a young couple have made themselves and others miserable for life, because one or both had not been trained, from the earliest years, to mind their own business. CHAPTER XLII. DECISION. Habits of decision. " I do not know." Importance of de- ciding promptly. This trait of character—I should ratheT say habit, for it depends much on our early educa- tion—is of very great importance, every where in life; but no where more so than in conjugal life. " I do not know," repeated a dozen times in succession, when a simple yes, or no, would be just as easy, were we trained to it, has wea- ried the patience of many an individual, in social life. It gives, too, an appearance of inefficiency that is very unpleasant, and, for rational beings, very unbecoming. A person who has learned to say yes and no, when occasion requires it, will accomplish at least one third more of business in the world, than one who is in the habit of saying, "I do not know."—Not but that there are cases where ignorance is to be expected; and in such cases we certainly may as well confess it. It is 334 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. as foolish to pretend to knowledge where it does not exist, as it is to say, "I do not know," either because we are too lazy to make a decision, or have acquired the habit of remaining undecided. It is a great help to the housewife to have her husband a man of decision. The thousand little things of which domestic life is made up will pass far more pleasantly, as well as more easily. I wish, most heartily, that decision of character could be carried into all the ordinary concerns of every day. It would greatly dimin- ish life's evils, as well as enhance its happiness. CHAPTER XLIII. CHARITIES. Family charities. The husband's prerogative. Giving at hap-hazard. Habit of giving. Its blessedness. Various ways of doing good. New views on the subject. Over the family charities, the husband usu- ally has—and I think ought to have—some control. Not that the wife, or the other mem- bers of the family, should be compelled to ask him, in every solitary instance, whether they may give to this or that object, and how much. But whether they shall be in the habit of giving or not, and how much, and what, in general, they are able to give in a year, and to what class of persons their charities are most likely to be use- ful, are matters of great importance, and in which the husband, after mutual and due con- sultation, should not only be permitted, in the exercise of his prerogative, but required, to give the casting vote. Most families, if they give at all, give wholly at random. If an object is presented, or a claim 336 the young husband. made on their sympathies, and they feel, at the time, as if they ought to give relief, they give it. Whether the person is really needy, they do not very often ask ; nor whether the charity is not likely to injure him in the end. I hold that though great care should be taken not to do harm when we desire and intend to do good, yet that it is highly desirable to be always in the habit of giving, in some way, and to somebody or other. If it is more blessed to give than to receive, as the Scriptures assure us— and as is from the very nature of the case true— and if to give for the purpose of securing the blessedness or happiness which it brings be not a species of highly-refined selfishness—then it seems to me important that every member of every family should be early instructed on this subject, and initiated into a system of rational and habitual charities. There are, however, a thousand ways of doing good without giving money, food, or clothing. He who, with a view to communicate good, makes his fellow-creature happier by instruct- ing, encouraging, comforting, or cheering him, is as truly charitable as he who ministers to his physical wants. And perhaps it will be found out, sooner or later, that such charities are not only among the more important ones, considered CHARITIES. 337 in reference to the fact that they bear upon the nobler part of man's nature, but that they are important in their bearing, even upon the physi- cal necessities of those for whom they are intended. Perhaps it will be found that by inspiring a fellow-creature with hope, and by filling him with cheerfulness, we actually, in a measure, supply his physical wants. His diges- tive organs make from his frugal or scanty meal better chyle and better blood, and his powers of assimilation actually produce better flesh and better health, when he eats with a merry heart, as Solomon expresses it, than when he eats in opposite circumstances. The same amount of food or clothing of any quality gives more warmth and strength—far more—to him who is made cheerful and happy by our sympa- thies, as manifested by our words, tones, looks, &c, than to him whose mind is depressed, whose feelings are unsocial, and whose whole condition, in one word, is miserable. I wish a Christian view could be taken of this whole subject; and especially by those whom God has made heads of families. There is a field of charity opened, as indicated—but no more than indicated—by the foregoing re- marks, which has hitherto been but little 22 338 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. explored. May the rising generation be taught to enter and possess it; and may the effects of this millennial form of dispensing charity soon cause many a desert of the human mind and heart to blossom as the rose. CHAPTER XL1V. CONJUGAL SERVITUDE. Wrong view of female character. Anecdote. Strange con- fessions. A brutal assumption. This is not a solitary in- stance. Striking and important facts. Caution to the young husband There is a view of woman, entertained by some husbands—men who, in society, are re- garded as sensible men, too—which is abhorrent to my feelings, and which I feel assured should be at least repugnant to every feeling of hu- manity. In walking, one day, with a gentleman at whose house I had, by invitation, recently taken tea, he fell into a course of apology about his wife. "My wife," said he, "is utterly unac- quainted with the world, and knows not how to receive company ; and it is on this account that I so seldom invite my friends to see me. Her mind is uncultivated, and though she attends to the bodily wants of my children, in a very be- coming manner, she is wholly unprepared to 319 the young husband. educi'e them. So utterly unfit is she for the task, that my eldest daughter, now old enough to go into company, is quite unprepared for it. The mother is even no society for me, and in so far as conversation forms a part of human en- joyment, I am a complete recluse." I know not whether I was most startled at the readiness with which my friend revealed those secrets of his family which I should, in similar circumstances, have thought it my duty to conceal, or at the complaints which he made of the ignorance of his wife. There she was, occupied with a family of seven or eight little children ; and the husband toiling almost the whole time away from home, partly to supply their immediate physical wants, and partly to lay up for the future. I have said that the husband was almost always absent; but if at home, he not only said nothing to his wife, but never assisted her in the least. She was obliged to prepare food regularly, and in the old-fashioned, laborious way, three times a day, as well as perform all the other work of the family ; for her husband thought himself too poor to afford any help. In such circumstances, what time had she for instructing her children, especially as she had not been taught the importance of those lessons CONJUGAL SERVITUDE. 341 which a mother can give in carrying on her ordinary domestic duties ? But if he was sensible of her deficiencies, why did not the husband seek for a remedy by enlightening her? Why spend all his leisure hours in reading or writing by himself, as he was accustomed to do, and leave his wife unin- formed, and then complain of it to others ? But this, though, in my opinion, quite out of charac- ter in a husband, was not his only error; nor was it by any means the worst. I ventured to inquire, as modestly as I could, whether it was right for a husband, in such cir- cumstances, to be the means of keeping a fe- male so wholly enslaved to the wants of her children as to leave no time for conversing or reading together. At this he seemed to take offence, and immediately uttered many bitter complaints against those who talked so much about elevating female character. " Woman," said he, " is made for man. I have no patience with those who undertake to dictate to husbands and wives what they ought or ought not to do. Divine Providence has assigned to woman her sphere; and it is not for her or others to attempt to evade the divine arrangements. They involve severe trials in- deed ; but these she must expect. It is her duty 342 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. to bear them. My wife has nothing to do but to submit to the will of Providence and of her husband; and whatever trials may be the result, she must bear them. In becoming my com- panion, she consented to become my wife, and to demean herself as such." " Do you mean to say," I inquired, " that wo- man is to submit to every selfish requirement of the most low and selfish husband ? Do you insist on her unconditional and unqualified submission in all things which even a brute may see fit to require?" He grew indignant at this, and appeared to think I meant to be personal. " I tell you," he said, " it is not for my wife to have any voice in these matters. As long as she is in health, it is her duty to yield herself, unreserv- edly, to my wishes." " Then," said I, " you and I entertain very dif- ferent sentiments. I understand it to be the duty of a woman to become a help meet to her husband. If a husband weds a wife who is not duly prepared for the task, it is his duty to go to work, in the first place, and, as far as may be in his power, endeavor to fit her for her duties as a help meet. He has no right to make her a slave to the wants of seven or eight children born in the course of ten or twelve years. CONJUGAL SERVITUDE. 343 Above all, he has no right to regard her as a mere slave to himself. If he does not attend to her direct instructions, he ought not at any rate to stand in the way of her instructing herself." But I might as well have talked to a hurri- cane. My friend was greatly excited; and immediately began to inveigh against-what he called meddlers with the business of other peo- ple. " The land is overspread with those per- sons," said he, " and, as a friend of mine says in a periodical which he conducts, matters have come to such a pass that a peaceable man can hardly venture to eat or drink, to go to bed or to get up, to correct his children or to caress his companion, without obtaining the permission or the direction of some moral reformer, or of some moral association. There is left him no spot into which some association committee cannot penetrate, and dictate to him what he ought to do or suffer. Whereas there are certain things which an individual ought to be allowed to call his own, and over which he shall have the supreme control. Around each person there should be traced a circle, within which no stran- ger should presume or be permitted to enter." It was in vain that I endeavored to show him I was not intermeddling with the family con- cerns of any individual whatever; that all I 344 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. had suggested had been in the purest friendship, and with the most hearty desire for his good; that I had never obtruded myself or my advice upon any individual, either in a public or pri- vate capacity, until he had first introduced the subject, and given me a proper opportunity. He persisted in his denunciations against med-' dlers; and finding him immovable, I left him. Now, had there been but one brute in human shape, and one detestable tyrant in the world, I would never have related this anecdote. But the truth is, the world is half filled with per- sons who possess a measure of the same spirit. They can often, like my friend, use great swell- ing words about education and human improve- ment, and even talk about emancipation—the emancipation of every body and every thing else, however, rather than their own family, for these must remain slaves. I cannot deny that the person of whom I have" been speaking has a promising family of chil- dren ; though I am puzzled to know how it hap- pens, since he is at times a very fury among them ; nor is his wife a& even tempered as she should be. But what perplexes me most is, how any thing good can come out of such a state < f slavery. There is no more of equality, or partner- ship even, between the husband and wife, than CONJUGAL SERVITUDE. 345 between the southern planter and the individ- ual who tills his soil. It is true he provides for her a shelter, and, in general, wholesome fare. She and the children are "housed" and "foddered." But it is for his interest that they should be so. It is not for his pecuniary advantage to pay doctor's bills for rheumatism or fever. Neither is it for the inter- est of the southern planter to do so ; nor for the northerner or southerner to do so in relation to his horse. I have seen many an individual who treated his negroes and his horses with the utmost kindness, so far as their physical wants were concerned, except that he sometimes rather overworked them ; but as to moral and intellectual wants, they were both placed on about the same footing—that is, both neglected. Nay, he did not hesitate, at times, to show, in full measure, that he was master, and that they were slaves. And yet I can say, with the ut- most sincerity, that my friend's wife, in the case to which I have alluded, was as abject a slave, in spirit and in truth, as any colored man or any horse I ever saw among thousands and tens of thousands of each. Unhappily, however, this is not, as I have already told you, a solitary case: I wish it were. There are instances, almost innumerable, of the 346 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. same general character. There are hundreds, if not thousands, among us, who cry out against slavery, in one form, while they are slaves them- selves—to their own lusts, I mean—and are con- tinually enslaving others. With such men it is not uncommon to find freedom and equality ever on their lips—and in some instances, even the equality of the sexes—while there is not a particle of either freedom or equality in their practice. Their wives are the merest slaves and drudges, and their children mere automatons. It is painful—it is even most distressing— to see loving and confiding woman a willing drudge, nay, a cheerful slave, to such masters and tyrants. Give such men an inch, and they will surely take an ell, every where in life ; but no where more readily than in their own fami- lies. The incautious wife, for the sake of peace, yields at first one inch of ground, which the selfish, lordly husband immediately occupies, and more than occupies. She then yields a little more ; and anon a little more still. The more she yields, the more she may—nay, the more she must yield ; till, ere long, like the bird which is fascinated by the voice of the charmer, she falls completely into the jaws of the devourer of her individuality, if not of l]er personal iden- tity. She ceases not indeed to breathe and CONJUGAL SERVITUDE. 347 move, for she has still all her bodily organs and functions ; though, with the departure of men- tal and moral freedom, the glory of even their energy and vigor has in no small degree de- parted also. I have witnessed the horrors of slavery, in nearly every form which can appal the heart of man ; but I have never witnessed, either in the United States or elsewhere, any thing of the kind which shocks me like this. I can see every other being trodden into the earth by its fellow-man, before a wife or a child—especially the former. The sight of this is too much. And yet it is a sight which I am compelled to witness day by day. I see more or less of it— startle not, reader, at the confession—in almost every family. I see no where the husband living up to the spirit of God's law, natural and revealed, on this subject. I see no where the husband doing, in all respects, as he could rea- sonably wish to be done by in similar circum- stances. But what grieves me most, as I have already more than intimated—what seems to me most to be deplored as human nature's broadest, foulest blot—this spirit of slavery in the heart of the husband is by no means in proportion to his ignorance. Were this the fact, there would be 348 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. room to hope. The future would not then be so dark and cheerless. But instead of its being in proportion to ignorance, it would be nearer the truth to say it is in proportion to intelligence. At any rate, intelligence in the individual, what- ever may be its general effect on the whole com- munity, does not seem to diminish it. This fell disease of our sex—for I can give it no better name—is no where more rife than among the would-be refined and intelligent. How can it be, that men of good sense—men, in some cases, professing philanthropy—will pledge themselves before God, angels, and men, to love and cherish the wife, and to treat her as a companion, and yet go their way, and seem to forget that there is any companionship in spirit ? I know hundreds of good men, who hold no more intercourse with the spirits of their wives than if they had no spirits within them, notwith- standing all their promises at the altar. Their mortal part is not indeed forgotten; this retains in a measure its freedom, although withered, as I have already said, by the mental and moral sla- very which withers the soul. But a few caresses, or even a few kind words, now and then, are but a poor return for high-handed robbery—the rob- bery of the immortal spirit; though they may CONJUGAL SERVITUDE. 349 serve some purpose, as patting and rubbing a favorite horse serves, in some measure, to soothe and compose him after a day of the most abject and perhaps abusive treatment. What notions of human responsibility—what views of futurity—can men have, who thus crush in the dust the spirit of her whom they have taken as a bosom companion ? Do they expect to meet the female soul at a judgment to come ? Are they not—whatever may be the name—are they not in reality the loyal followers of him who taught that women have no souls, and, by consequence, no title to a place in the mansions of the blessed ? They believe they have bodies; and they would shudder, it may be, at the thought of starving those bodies—or of reducing them, for want of suitable nutriment, to mere living skele- tons. Or, were it possible to go farther, and reduce the size of those bodies, by privation and starvation, to infant size and infant capacity, they would abhor the idea of doing that, and would deem it little less than a species of mur- der. And yet, rather than deny themselves a momentary gratification—rather than take one step in the path of self-denial—they will subject the wife to that round of duties amid pots and kettles, and a circle of objects, which, for all they 350 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. do, are scarcely more elevated above mere mat- ter than pots and kettles, which as effectually stints, dwarfs, diseases, and gradually destroys the soul, as a want of due nourishment does the body. And then they tell us—not merely the more ignorant among them, but some of the most intelligent—that this is woman's true des- tiny ; that she was made for man; that " she has no voice in the matter, as long as she is in health;" that she has nothing to do but to sub- mit (her soul, no less than her body, for that is the worst of it) to her husband. There are those among us who hold, or pre- tend to hold, that this world is a state of retribu- tion rather than of trial; that the spirits which inhabit these bodies have been through a state of trial elsewhere, and are condemned to this world as a punishment. Now, I have sometimes asked myself, for the moment, whether such might not be the fact in relation to woman. How else can it happen, I have said, that, from the earliest period of human history, her lot should have been slavery and degradation ; and that even now, at the end of nearly 6000 years from the creation, she is still a willinp- slave— sometimes to intelligent and otherwise good men ? Female abjection is recognized in the very constitution of society. CONJUGAL SERVITUDE. 351 The woman who spends a part of her time in cheerful out-of-door amusements, such as tend to invigorate her body, and as she ap- proaches maturity, exercises herself in the field or garden, enough, at least, to promote full, flowing, improving health, is seldom—perhaps never—regarded as the loveliest of her sex. By no means. She may romp and play, while a mere child; but she is no sooner within the precincts of womanhood, than she must be shut out of heaven's light and sunshine, and immured in parlors and other close rooms : or, if she ven- tures out at all, it must be in a covered carriage, or at least with a measured and stinted step. She must not dress with freedom, lest she should be ill shaped ; nor must she read any thing solid or instructive, or converse on any thing of im- portance, lest she should be a blue-stocking. In short, she is often regarded as most lovely by her own sex and by ours, whose education has best fitted her to be a slave to some weak, but wealthy or fashionable being, who has been educated, in like manner, to regard her as a kind of necessary evil in society, or at most as a convenience; and who, though he may talk of woman as a help meet, never seriously thought of her as such, and never seriously inquired within himself, for a single half hour of his 352 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. life, how she could be made to act as such in the most efficient manner. If these things are so—and that they are so, I presume no truly considerate person will doubt—need we wonder that, here and there, like the comets of our solar system, a Wolstone- craft or a Wright breaks forth, and makes her erratic attempts at female emancipation ? Rather, is it not surprising that for one such individual in society we do not have twenty ? How can an intelligent female behold the degradation of her own sex, and not feel her whole soul burn within her to break the chains which bind her to the dust that is so soon to cover her ? But is not man as deeply concerned in this matter as woman ? Is not his happiness gradua- ted by hers? Can woman be degraded, or in any way injured, and man not suffer ? Is not the health, the intelligence, the moral excellence of our whole race, for the future, bound up in hers ? Does not every successful effort at fe- male improvement, and every addition to female excellence, hasten, by so much, the latter-day glory of the world ? And is not human happi- ness retarded by every step which is taken to keep the female sex in bondage, and promoted by every thing which is done for their redemp- tion and improvement? CHAPTER XLV. DRESS AND APPEARANCE. Avoid extremes. Evils of changes. Slovenliness. Mere negligence. Mistake about literary men. A divine ex- ample. Opinion of Newton. A judicious English writer on dress says, " I would neither be the first nor the last in a fashion." This is my own view of what duty requires in this matter. I would avoid the ex- treme of shabbiness on the one hand, and that of foppery on the other. It is true, I could wish the fashions, in regard to dress, were less variable, as they formerly were, and as I understand they still are in some countries. Almost any form of making a garment appears to me preferable to continual change, as often as the moon changes. But whatever may be the form or shape of our garments, there are several serious general errors, on the subject of dress and appearance, which greatly deserve to be corrected. The first is downright slovenliness. Of all 23 354 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. errors pertaining to dress and person, this, as it appears to me, is most to be deplored; espe- cially in a husband and father. If you have no regard to its tendency on your own moral char- acter, let me conjure you at least to remember the influence you have on others—your family and friends. I press this matter the more, because the ten- dency of our nature, in these matters, is always down hill. He who is a sloven at marriage, will be likely to be twice as much so the next year afterwards; and he who is such a sloven thus early in matrimonial life, will be ten times more so when he is old. What can be more disgusting than to see a neat, good-looking, sensible, worthy woman, hanging at the arm of a downright sloven ? The sight, to him who is not wholly destitute of every thing which belongs to good taste, beggars all description. Yet it is a sight which we occa- sionally witness in civil society. The second great error in this matter is neg- ligence. There are many who would shudder at the idea of being deemed slovenly, who are yet exceedingly negligent. If there are circum- stances and conditions of life to be found occa- sionally which seem to make negligence pardon- DRESS AND APPEARANCE. 355 able, they are the exceptions, and not the gen- eral rule. Negligence, like slovenliness, increases with our years. One writer says—I believe it is Chesterfield—that he who is negligent at twenty years of age, will be a sloven at forty, and intolerable at fifty. There are some literary men—husbands among the rest—who seem to plead devotion to study as an apology for negligence. When I was a lad, the opinion was quite rife in the neighbor- hood where I resided, that to be negligent of one's dress was a sign of intellectual greatness ; and I was often referred to an aged and greatly distinguished mathematician—a man who was great in spite of his slovenliness—in proof of the opinion. It is a still greater mistake to suppose that deep-toned piety requires negligence of person and appearance. I can no more conceive of the Savior of mankind as being negligent, in these respects, than as being foppish. Plain in person, dress, and manners, most undoubtedly he was; but not slovenly or negligent. Nor can I believe that those who imbibe his spirit should be so ; although I have known a few of his professed followers who seemed to glory in 356 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. what I conceive should be their shame There is a great variety of human occupation ; and many forms of occupation expose us much to dust, for a part of the time. But the world in which we live—our part of it, at least—abounds with water; and he who, in such circumstances, voluntarily " slights the bowl, as beneath his care," seems to me greatly culpable. It is an ancient maxim that " cleanliness is next to godliness." Such a view, and the prac- tice which should correspond to it, would be far more rational than one so entirely contrary to it as that which now too generally prevails. " A Christian," says John Newton, " should never plead spirituality for being a sloven." One word more. I have seen husbands who appeared to think that because they were settled in life—their " market" made, as the saying is —there was no longer any necessity for that attention to person and dress which, before marriage, would have been inexcusable. Hence I have seen foul mouths, dirty eyes and ears, unclean hands and nails, and an offensive breath; to say nothing of a mouth full of tobacco—a frequent cause, among many others, of a breath foul and offensive. It is not long since I heard a most eloquent, glowing, and important lecture ' DRESS AND APPEARANCE. 357 on an important subject, from an individual whose eyes—one would think—had not been washed for a fortnight. I would not be fastidi- ous or unreasonable on this subject; but by wfrat right may we mar the beauty and lessen the force of truth, by this neglect of person and appearance ? CHAPTER XLVI. HEALTH. Health worth seeking. Our health committed to our own keeping. Physical " sin." Objections to a common maxim. The subject of health broad. The power of habit. Influence of the mind on health. Influence of Christianity. The subject of health has been so fully dis- cussed in my other works—especially in the "Young Wife" and the "Young Mother"— that it can hardly be necessary to enter largely upon it in this volume. I will, therefore, merely content myself with a few remarks, very general in their nature. 1. If health is as important as some people profess to believe, it is certainly worth seek- ing. If life, and the enjoyments of life, are no longer enjoyments when health is wanting; and if the amount of our enjoyment is ever in just proportion, other things being equal, to the amount of our physical vigor, then surely it behoves us all, but especially husbands, wives, and teachers, to take such measures as shall be HEALTH. 359 likely to render us, and those for whom we are responsible, most vigorous. 2. Our health of body, as well as of mind and soul, is in a great measure committed to our own keeping. It is indeed true that a pre- disposition to certain complaints—as consump- tion, scrofula, rheumatism, &c.—is sometimes inherited; and, therefore, that those who are thus predisposed must watch, with peculiar care, against the causes which usually excite the dis- eases to which they are respectively liable. But it is also true, that with proper care few such persons ever need actually to become sick; and if they should even be unable to escape wholly, the disease may, by proper pains-taking, be greatly mitigated. The errors of every day of our lives always go to increase, more or less, the severity of every subsequent attack of disease, whether one year afterwards or fifty. That is, a person who is attacked with fever at any time, will be likely to suffer in proportion to the amount of sin * which he has previously com- mitted against the organic laws ; and as every * Some may object to this use of the word sin; but I know not how to express the idea intended in a better way. Sin is the transgression of a law, and there are laws of the human frame as fixed as any other, and as necessary to be obeyed 360 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. physical transgression goes to make up the whole amount of transgression, it follows, unde- niably, that every sin adds to the severity of that fever. And so of almost any other disease, as well as fever. It is now well known and ad- mitted by the best medical writers, that even those diseases which have been usually supposed incident to the most healthy childhood, are ren- dered mild in exact.proportion to the health, and vigor, and correct habits of those on whom they fall; and that if physical transgression could be wholly avoided, and the effects of parental de- bility—visited, as it is, upon children—could also be obviated universally, it is probable these diseases would ultimately quite disappear. How encouraging is this to the young hus- band ! How cheering to look forward with the hope, that by yielding obedience to the laws of health, the penalty may be avoided; and he may have a healthy and happy family ! How much does it add to the enjoyment—actual and anticipated—of domestic life, to know that dis- eases are not dealt out at hap-hazard, without any reference to our own conduct, either by a benevolent or a malevolent Being ! How com- fortable to know, in short, that health of body, as well as of soul, is committed, by a kind Heav- HEALTH. 361 enly Father, chiefly to our own and our neigh- bor's keeping! 3. What is best for one individual, is best for all; I mean as regards generals; for in particu- lars, there is a little difference. It is not true, as a general fact, that what is meat for one is poison for another, notwithstanding the old ada.ye. It is nearer the truth to say, that what is meat for one is meat for another; and what is poison for one is poison for another. Thus, whatever operates only to irritate the brain and nervous system, is alike injurious to health—that is, in a greater or less degree— whether that brain and nervous system be located at the equator, or in seventy degrees of north or south latitude. So if dirt on the skin is, in its nature, unhealthy, it is so in all parts of the world, and under all circumstances of age, sex, employment, &c. And so of a thousand other things. 4. Obedience to the laws of health does not consist alone, nor principally, in a due attention to food and drink. It is as much a law of life and health that we shall breathe pure air, keep clean, use proper and sufficient exercise, and be cheerful, as that we shall eat and drink right. And so of many other objects and things 362 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. between which and the human frame there is a constitutional and fixed relation. 5. As it is in manners and morals, so it is in physical matters—we are so constituted by the Creator that we can, as a general rule, accom- modate ourselves to almost any habits we please. In other words, the stomach is very accommo- dating. The great advantage of this consists in —and such was, no doubt, the intention of the Creator—the power it gives us of conforming to what we know to be best for us. The earlier the character is formed—the earlier the " bundle of habits " is put together—the better for us, most undoubtedly. Let the young husband avail himself of this accommodating power in the human system ; and let him use his influence—and his authority too, so far as it is proper for him to exercise it— in bringing those who are dependent on him to such habits as will not only be healthy, but in a little while perfectly agreeable. Let him do the utmost in his power to estab- lish in himself, his wife, and his whole family, a habit of yielding to all the laws of health, with respect to air, temperature, cleanliness, exercise, employments, recreations, studies, food, drink, sleep, &c. Let him, if he have the means, fur- HEALTH. 363 nish his household with all the implements of bathing, ventilation, &c.; and let him set the example of using such baths—cold, warm, or shower-baths—as the season and other circum- stances may indicate. 6. It should not, however, be forgotten by any individual who would form his household to healthy habits, that much of our health depends on the state of our passions, emotions, affections, and feelings. It is exceedingly important, for example, to cultivate complacency, contentment, satisfaction, hope, and cheerfulness. It is, moreover, of the first consequence that we have some desirable object of attainment always in view, and that we sometimes even indulge in a reasonable measure of mirth and hilarity, or at least of joy and glad- ness. The exercise of a rational and consistent charity, and of the social or sympathetic affec- tions—as gratitude, admiration, esteem, respect, veneration, fondness, &c, together with pa- tience, resignation, and humility, under circum- stances which demand their exercise—are also of exceeding great importance. Those passions, emotions, and affections, on the contrary, which are excited by the idea of evil, are always more or less injurious, both to body and mind. Such are sorrow, grief, melancholy, 4 364 THE YOUNG HUSBAND doubt, suspicion, fear, surprise, consternation, terror, horror, dread, anxiety, despair, anger, wratii, resentment, indignation, &c. Nor are the malevolent desires and dispositions less hurt- ful ; such as pride, malice, envy, cruelty, rage, revenge, suspicion, jealousy, &c. A volume might be—a volume ought to be— written, by some competent person, on the effect of the passions on the health, and the impor- tance of attending to this subject in the early education of children. But it is impossible, in a work like this, to do more than barely to a'lade to the subject. In a word, to be healthy, we need to be holy. Hence the whole of our advice on this subject might be comprised in one word—Be a Chris- tian. When will the world understand the whole intention of Christianity ? When will it be fully and clearly seen, that the salvation and sanctification of man includes his whole beino-— body, soul, and spirit—as the ancient metaphysi- cians used to express it; or, in the language of modern times, of the body, head, and heart; and that, until man is in this respect fully re- deemed, the whole object of the divine mission to our earth will not be accomplished ? CHAPTER XLVII. ECONOMY. Importance of domestic economy to the husband. Neglected in schools. Consequences. Reasons why husbands ought to understand its theory. Great benefits of reform in this department. The writer's purpose. Entire reformation. Improvement. Few things are more important to the young husband than sound views of domestic economy. And yet I believe it would not be too much to say, that it is one of the last things which most husbands are apt to understand. They usually enter matrimonial life with notions as opposed to what I call true economy, as the north is to the south. Our systems of instruction are, in this respect, sadly deficient. The subject of domestic econ- omy is but little studied, even by females; and much more rarely by males. And what is still more strange, it is almost as little taught in the family school as elsewhere. Example, indeed, does something in this respect, on behalf of daughters; but even this scarcely enlightens 366 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. sons. The consequences, as a general rule, are, that both sexes reach maturity, and even enter into matrimonial life, in much ignorance of the common usages and every-day principles on which our domestic concerns should be conducted. There are many reasons why young men of every situation and class in life should under- stand, thoroughly, the philosophy of household management. As this doctrine may be rather new, I will venture a few thoughts on the sub- ject, premising that I have a higher object in view, as will probably be seen, than the meta- morphosing of young men into meddlers, or "betties," as they are sometimes called. 1. One strong reason for instructing young men in domestic economy, arises from the fact that young ladies are, in this matter, so univer- sally neglected. Even in those seminaries where attention is professedly paid to this subject, the course pursued is often but the merest imitation of a rational course. In one of the more re- spectable seminaries of this country, the young ladies, though indispensably required to observe with care the management of domestic mat- ters, are not allowed to touch any thing with their own hands; not so much as to brine in a stick of wood, or a parcel of coal, or sweep their own rooms. The whole of the manual ECONOMY. 367 labor is performed by domestics. I will not say that such instruction is not valuable ; but it is of little value compared with what it might be rendered, were the young ladies taught the practice, as well as the theory, of domestic management. Multitudes of young men now-a-days find themselves wedded to young ladies who know as little of practical house-work as the young ladies of the seminary I have mentioned. Some are not only ignorant, but willing to be so. In charity, however, to the sex, I would fain hope that such instances are not very common. When a young husband finds himself con- nected, for life, with a female who is ignorant, but at the same time willing to be informed, how exceedingly valuable to him and to her is a thorough knowledge, on his part, of the phi- losophy of this whole subject! Availing herself of this knowledge, and applying it daily, in her own practice, any person of common sense may come, in time, to be a skilful housewife. But when the husband is ignorant, and the wife both ignorant and proud—too proud to ask any of her friends for information ; when she is lazy withal—too lazy to study the best authors on the subject; then is the condition of a young couple truly lamentable. 368 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. 2. But even when a wife has a thorough understanding of domestic economy, it is highly important that the husband should understand it likewise. She pursues her business with ten- fold more cheerfulness when she can have an intelligent companion to cheer her on her way —one who is familiar with the road, at every step she takes. One thing which renders house- keeping so cheerless to the young wife, is its loneliness. " If you have one friend," says an old maxim, " think yourself happy." But in respect to house-keeping, the young wife has not usually one friend. So far as this occupation is concerned, in itself, she is a solitary—perhaps a recluse. 3. Good house-keeping, in all its departments, has an important bearing on the husband's own happiness, as well as on that of his family. It is of no small importance to him and to the children whom God has given or may give him, whether the food which is prepared is more or less poisoned; whether or not the rooms in which he sits, and eats, and sleeps, are, or are not, properly ventilated ; and whether his clothing is, or is not, properly and frequently cleansed. The physical education of the world would be much better conducted, and much more progress in knowledge and happiness would be made, if ECONOMY. 369 husbands and wives were universally acquainted with the philosophy of domestic economy. There is no field of human operation, in which reform is more necessary than in matters of domestic or household management. Not merely to save money; though an immense amount of expense to society might thus be saved. Not merely to save time; though half the time now expended in house-work might advantageously be saved. Not to preserve and promote health merely ; though I have no doubt one fourth, if not one third, of the diseases of mankind might thereby be prevented. But money, and time, and health, invaluable as these gifts of God to man undoubtedly are, were they properly em- ployed, are far from being blessings to those who only lavish them on the wants of their bodies; who only save in time, money, and health, to squander it on themselves in some other form. My object, in all I have written on this sub- ject, here and elsewhere, has been so to simplify, and improve, and reform, the business of house- keeping, that money, and time, and health, may not only be saved, but also that every gain of this sort may be applied to the promotion of our spiritual well-being, both for this world and that which is to come. On this subject, I have been, and still am, perpetually misunderstood. 24 370 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. But I trust this avowal of my purpose and object will be sufficient. I trust the Christian community will do me the justice to believe me sincere ; and that my leading object in seeking an entire reformation in domestic management, is to bring Christianity to bear on the common- est concerns of civic life. Paul has expressed the very thing at which I aim in the strong injunction—" Whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God." I seek entire reformation, inasmuch as I would invert the order in which house-work is pursued. I would not have the preparation of food, clothing, &c.—the education and management of the physical part of our nature—the end and aim of all our efforts ; but, on the contrary, while I would have all these exercises so blended with instruction as to render them exceedingly in- structive to all present, I would have a large proportion of the time of every wife and every husband—even the most busy—expended di- rectly on the wants of the immortal mind and spirit. I tremble when I see sensible house- wives spending their twelve, fourteen, or six- teen hours daily, in patient labors for the mere tenement which the soul inhabits, and not one on the soul itself! But besides reformation, I seek improvement in ECONOMY. 371 things which are at present but imperfectly man- aged. There are numerous branches of house- keeping on which an intelligent husband and wife might profitably spend hours of patient thought and study every day of their lives, even though they were to live to the age of Methu- selah. On bread-making, for example, in its various branches, made, as it is, of numerous materials, and combinations of materials—I have not a doubt that the whole life of one who was deeply interested in the promotion of human improvement—temporal and spiritual—might be profitably expended, if other duties would permit it. But I cannot—I must not—enlarge. Would that this subject might come to be regarded as it ought to be ! Would that all human employ- ments—I speak with reverence—might be bap- tized into the spirit of Christianity ! I long to see those who profess to be the followers of Christ regarding every thing they touch—even the smallest matters—as susceptible either of great and lasting improvement, or of entire and thorough reform. I long especially to see house-keeping and agriculture—two employ- ments fundamentally important—so conducted as to promote the highest good of our race. CHAPTER XLVIII. SICKNESS AND MEDICINE. Worth of a husband tested. New method of employing a physician. Folly of the present system. Duty of the husband. A most interesting scene. Husbands as attend- ants of the sick. Keeping medicine in the house. Its evils. Mistakes of those who keep medicine. There are no circumstances of human life where the want of a husband—one who is truly a husband—is more sensibly felt, or his worth more effectually tested, than when sickness en- ters the family ; and especially when it seizes upon the companion of his bosom. "A friend in need is a friend indeed ;" and surely here is need, if any where. It has long appeared to me desirable—as a general fact—that every family should employ a physician, at a stipulated compensation, by the year. The physician should be obligated, in any event, to make quarterly or monthly visits, and to answer or attempt to answer all questions propounded at these visits. For the rest of the sickness and medicine. 373 time he should visit whenever actual sickness supervenes, and as much oftener as he pleases. As things now are, the more sickness in soci- ety, the better, in a pecuniary point of view, for the physician. But suppose a physician en- gages to take the whole medical care of my family a year for twenty dollars. This is no mean sum, for it needs but one hundred families in this way, or about five hundred persons, to give him a salary of $2000; and probably almost any physician would agree to take the charge of a family of five persons of ordinary health for this sum, and think the salary quite liberal. Is it not obvious that, having made such an engage- ment, it would be for his pecuniary advantage to do all in his power to keep my family in health? And is it not better to have it so? Common sense will teach this to every husband who can put two ideas together. Now, then, I repeat it, let every one employ his physician in this way, if he can. The object should be to prevent sickness, if possible. If by four quarterly visits, and judicious instruction as to the best means of promoting and preserving health, the physician can prevent disease at all, he will get his twenty dollars comparatively easy. But if, by his neglect, some of the family get sick, and he is obliged to make one or two hundred 374 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. visits in the course of the year, his case will be a sad one indeed. Against this, however, self- interest, you may depend upon it, will lead him to look out in the best possible manner. Having thus employed the best physician you can find, within a reasonable distance, study to make the best possible use of his instructions. I have, in another place, urged the importance of the study of anatomy, physiology, and hygiene —especially the latter two. Here I repeat my request, and with great earnestness. Half the benefit of judicious medical instruction and advice is lost for want of such knowledge. It is indispensable to both parents. Man ought to be the untiring attendant of woman, in her hours of sickness, were it only in gratitude. No one knows how, so well as she, to bind the brow, in pain and sickness; and no one fulfils so well this part of an angelic mis- sion. Let man, therefore, do what he can to make a return for her kindness. But let him do it not merely in payment of a debt of grati- tude, but from pure love and a sense of duty. There is nothing more interesting than to see the husband and the wife watching over each other's couch, in time of sickness. Never is conjugal love fully tested till it has been elicited and tried amid scenes like this. Those hus- SICKNESS AND MEDICINE. 375 bands and wives who have enjoyed uninterrupt- ed health, hardly know, as yet, what it is to love one another. Prosperity makes us selfish; adver- sity, and especially pain, sometimes softens us. Husbands, it is true, often make bad attend- ants of the sick, whether of their wives or other persons. Both males and females ought to be trained to the art from the earliest infancy. This, indeed, is not enough; but it is a good beginning. It requires a feeling, sympathizing heart, to make a good attendant of the sick. Few husbands are fit for the task; and yet few persons in the world could attend a wife so well in her sickness, as her husband, were he but trained for the purpose. I do not conceive it to be any part of a hus- band's duty to fill his closets with drugs, or his windows with phials. I know many people think they cannot dispense with the laudanum, the elixir, the camphor, the hartshorn, and half a dozen or a dozen other common but very active medicines. But there are others who get along quite as well without them ; and it is observable that those who have much medicine at hand not only use a great deal more of it in a year than those who have none, but have much more sickness. I know a lady who keeps a medicine chest, and boasts of her skill, and of the 376 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. perfect health of her children. And yet, sick or well, they take a great deal of medicine. I know of others who keep no medicine in their families, and have no need of any. There are few who have self-government enough to resist the temptation to use medicine too frequently, if they have it constantly in the house; and, on this account, I would hardly advise you to keep any such thing—even a bottle of hartshorn or camphor. If you or a member of your family receive a wound, or are faint, the application of a little cold water is usually quite sufficient. Whereas, if you keep something stronger about you, the temporary excitement, as well as immediate relief it af- fords, will induce you to use it ten times unne- cessarily, for once where it is of service ; and this unnecessary use of a poisonous article will sow the seeds of many a disease, to spring up, sooner or later, into violence. Nor is this all. It will prove the means of increasing, more or less, the severity and danger of every subsequent attack of disease, whatever may be its form. I will not deny that a skilful dealer-out of calomel and rhubarb, and elixir and picra, and a free use of all sorts of herbs " good for sick- ness," may appear to effect many sudden and astonishing cures. Who does not know that a SICKNESS AND MEDICINE. 377 slight bowel affection may be corrected with elixir paregoric—nay, even with castor-oil or rhubarb or calomel ? But is this the end of the matter? The complaint is but checked ; or, if cured tempo- rarily, and the glad mother begins to congratu- late herself on her wondrous skill, how long ere a suppression of the biliary secretion, induced by the paregoric, will cause some new disorder ? Now, the child is thought to be bilious, and is dosed with picra—to which, perhaps, is added an infusion of celendine and cider, or some other popular but absurd, not to say poisonous mixture. After a few doses of this sort, dame Nature, roused by a series of oppressions, attempts to resist. The liver disgorges itself, the bowels become more active, and again the child gets better. Again the mother congratulates herself on her skill. She can cure—she supposes—not only dysentery, but jaundice. Meanwhile the liver, which has overacted, becomes torpid again ; the secretions become diseased ; and after the lapse of a few weeks or months, ascarides (pin-worms, as they are called) appear. Now, the picra or the calomel is put in requisi- tion, and the administrator boasts of another vie- 378 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. tory over disease—glorying in her folly, however, were she wise enough to know it. For in curing the dysentery, she has caused jaundice, and in curing jaundice, she has prepared the way for worms; and in removing the latter, has caused an irritability of the first passages, (the stom- ach and bowels,) or of the brain and nervous system, that may last for years, if not for life. Whereas a little change of diet, and a proper attention to exercise, bathing, &c, would have set every thing right in half the time now taken up in dosing for a series of complaints that, at the best, are seldom cured. I would as soon have a volcano in my house as one of those beings—benevolent, indeed, in intention—who are forever dabbling with medi- cine. Here, if any where, at least in my view, should a husband—if necessary—interpose his authority. It cannot be right for me to suffer my house to be made a hospital for the sick, when nothing is wanting but to let alone medi- cine and trust our friends to nature, and, as a final resort, to a skilful medical adviser. CHAPTER XLIX. FINAL DUTIES. Duties to the dead. Real and affected grief. Levity. Ex- ternal and internal marks of grief. The Christian mourn- er not to become a recluse. Second marriages. The most solemn duty of all. Perhaps I ought to close here. Perhaps I ought to go no farther than to speak of the du- ties we owe to the living. And yet there are, in every civilized community, what are denom- inated duties to the dead; and to such sad duties the young husband, no less than others, may be called. I would not encourage hypocrisy on the one hand, nor levity on the other. I would not have my young friends cover themselves with the habiliments of mourning, or bury themselves in some closet or cell, either from real or affected grief. Indeed, I care very little whether they exhibit any of what are usually regarded the external marks of sorrow, or not; though, for my own part, I think I should not be likely to make 380 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. use of any sort of mourning dress. But on this point I would not lay too much stress. Yet, on the other hand, I would endeavor not to show, by my conduct, that I was thoughtless. How can the husband who loves his wife be willing to plunge, almost as soon as she is cold, into scenes of mirth or dissipation ? How can he avoid his hours and days of sadness ? It is well, at least at times, to go to the house of mourning; and He who permits death to follow transgression knows this full well. How can he who is smitten be disposed in the least to levity, at home or abroad ? But, after all, the depth of our grief is not to be determined by any external marks whatever. It is not in the dress, how dark soever its color. It is not in the length of the visage, or its woe-begone aspect; it is not in solemn, sepul- chral tones of voice; it is not in the measured step or sanctimonious general appearance. True grief is far deeper than all this. It has its seat in the heart. And yet no Christian mourner sorrows as without hope. It could be of no service to the dead; it would be hurtful to the living. He dries his tears in due season, remembering that other duties remain to be discharged to the living Nor is it necessary, in these cases, to become FINAL DUTIES. 381 a recluse, or a hermit. No circumstances nor laws can require this ; nor does health or Chris- tian duty permit it. The dying companion would not herself desire it. If she loved, while living, and sought the happiness of him who sought hers, she would wish that happiness to be continued. She would not wish her husband to be buried to the rest of the world, because she was to be buried to him. If his society had rendered her happy, she would not only be will- ing, but desirous, it should render others happy. I would not, indeed, appear as the advocate of too speedy second marriages. Duty to a de- parted wife seems to me to require that we should remain single for more than merely a few weeks. There is something disrespectful—in appearance at least—in marrying again in three, four, or six months; though I am fully aware that cir- cumstances may occasionally require it. I do not, however, think it any violation of the rules of propriety, or a proof that there was any want of proper love for those who have gone before us to the eternal world, that after the lapse of a year, or so, a second marriage should be resolved on. But the most solemn duty of all which we owe to a departed wife is, to prepare to follow her. Her death is a loud admonition to the 382 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. living—"Be ye also ready." Let every hus- band who is called to weep over the grave of a departed companion remember this, and let him prepare for that solemn day which may come when he least expects it. CHAPTER L. OCCASIONAL DUTIES. What are here meant by occasional duties. Special demand for kindness. Imaginary evils productive of much suffer- ing. Importance of cheerfulness. Exclusion of evil com- pany. Evils of dosing. Discretion in other matters. Pro- spective education—its immense importance. The term " Occasional Duties" has been selected as an appropriate caption to a series of remarks which it was inconvenient to introduce elsewhere, but without which my plan would have been incomplete. The conjugal state always requires unremitted kindness ; but there are times and seasons in the lives of most husbands when kindness and sympathy are more specially demanded, and when every form and degree of unkindness, or even of neglect, would be more deeply felt than in other circumstances. I have known husbands whose education had been such as to lead them to overlook, entirely, the claims to which I refer. I have even met with some who were regarded as, in general, 384 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. very sensible men, who were disposed to laugh and sneer, rather than to sympathize. Would that such husbands better understood human nature, especially in those circumstances of fe- male nature which are among the most trying. It cannot, indeed, be denied that it is the lot of some husbands to have wives who are whim- sical. But what then ? They are so much the more to be pitied ; and he is by so much the more unwise who only laughs when he ought to sympathize, and instruct, and cheer. If women were better informed, in regard to their own constitution—its wonderful properties, relations, and laws—a large proportion of their imaginary fears, whims, &c, would be prevented. But the young husband should take things as they are. He should consider what woman is— trained according to the present miserable fash- ion—as well as what she should be. He should remember that suffering is often as truly suffer- ing when it is excited or induced by imaginary, foolish, or unreasonable fears, as when excited by reality. He should endeavor, to the utmost of his power, to render his companion cheerful and happy. It is as much his duty to use extra effort for this purpose, as it is to make the ordi- nary effort? of ordinary circumstances. OCCASIONAL DUTIES. 385 He should be in her society as much as pos- sible. I knew a public lecturer on a highly popular subject, and who was both anxious for money and notoriety, who yet remained at home a whole winter professedly for the purpose to which I have alluded. This conduct, where the state of the female mind is such as to demand it, and our business will permit it, is certainly commendable. One object to be secured by spending much time in the society of a wife, in these circum- stances, is the exclusion of company which would be injurious. For, since cheerful com- pany is indispensable, and most of those who would otherwise associate with her, would be apt to bring with them more or fewer of their dismal tales and useless gossip, it is highly desirable to dispense with their presence and company as much as possible. I do not mean by this that every body but the husband should be excluded ; far from it—even if the wife desired it. Change of society, to some extent at least, would, to most persons, be indispensable. All I mean is, that in so far as the society of her husband would contribute to keep up a happy cheerfulness, and in so far, too, as it would be preferred to that of the neigh- 25 386 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. Dors, just so far would good, both immediate and prospective, be accomplished by it. One important object to be gained by keeping up a constant state of cheerfulness in a compan- ion, will be to preclude and prevent the applica- tion of that system of dosing, which, in one form or another, so extensively prevails among us, and does so much mischief both to mothers and their families. I wish the world had any tolerable conception of a tenth of the evils which grow out of this practice. The seeds of numerous diseases not natural to the constitu- tion are thus sown, and the predisposition to those which are inherited greatly aggravated. Much discretion is needed, and much knowl- edge of the nature and wants of the human system, to render the young husband most useful in these circumstances, and enable him to judge how far the wayward appetites and feelings which arise, are to be repressed, and how far encouraged.—I have said that the society of the husband, on these occasions, is indispensable ; out it is more or less useful, in proportion as he is himself healthy, and cheerful, and happy— and in proportion to his progress in the knowl- edge of anatomy, physiology, and the laws of health—studies which I have elsewhere strongly xecommended. OCCASIONAL DUTIES. 387 The intelligent husband, while he will not believe in those singularly terrific consequences, which are supposed by the vulgar to follow from an ungratified appetite, however improper and irrational it may be, will never treat these way- ward feelings with unkindness. Where he can- not dissuade a wife from a course which he thinks is unfavorable, he will, perhaps, compro- mise with her. He will be anxious that her appetite should be reasonably indulged, even in things which are doubtful. In other words, when a morbid propensity is clamorous, he will regard its moderate indulgence, all things con- sidered, as at least a choice of evils. He will also know how, better than almost any other person, to bear with those irregulari- ties of temper and singular transfers of attach- ment which sometimes arise. I repeat the sen- timent—a high degree of knowledge of human nature is exceedingly important to the husband, in these circumstances, and would enable him often to give such advice as would save a great deal of future woe. There is here—precisely at this point—a wide field for the formation of the human character, which has hitherto been either overlooked, or consigned by fashion to learned and unlearned empiricism. In this field, much—very much— 388 THE YOUNG HUSBAND. might be done. Here, more, perhaps, than most persons are aware, are sown the seeds of character, physical and moral; and here, more than almost any where else, can education, in one of its departments—that of prospective education—be most successfully attended to. A volume is needed on this subject; or will be so, whenever the light of physiology shall be so generally diffused that the community are pre- pared to receive it.