LITTLE 
FUN 
WITH 
THE 
U. S. P. 
(8th Revision) 
BEFORE 
IT LEAVES US 
Compliments of A Little Fun with the U. S. P. 
Before It Leaves Us. 
BY 
THOMAS W. PATRICK, M. D, 
Boston, Mass. 
"Male Fern" Cottage, 
Filix, Mas (s). 
Miss Rosa Gallica, 
Arnica, Montana. 
Dear Rose: 
1 mustard up nerve and rosin thyme this morning, 
almost at the pepo day, to senna line to you. I rose 
Mary, but the lazy thing said to Milli, "Girl, for the thou- 
santh time, get away!" then she made a hop for her bed. 
Would you believe it, Chirata sleep, then eat? 
I must hurry up and not write you a very long lytta; 
not because my arms and hands are terribly sunburnt and 
blistered; but because I wish to be in ample time for Mr. 
K. N. Pepper, our postman, who hates to work in this 
burning weather. The fellow is not exactly rude or 
caustic, but rather pungent and a trifle sarsae, so I won't 
try to irritate him. By the way, I have dropped a line to 
that wild Cherry girl, in Prunus, Virginia. 
I 'phoned you a nitre or two ago. The toll operator 
told me that the nitrates did not begin until ten o'clock, 
and nitride then, and nitrite again; I kept on saying 
"Aloe!" "Aloe!", and finally quit Aloin. 
Last night acid to ma and pa that I was going to write 
to a few of my class-mates, they didn't believe me; they 
thought I was up to my nitric of reading novels up to 13 
o'clock. I didn't want malic me, so I sneaked up to the 
garret, and finished "Bittersweet" by J. G. Holland. If 
papaver catches me again, I shall have to walk the chalk 
line which he says he has prepared for me. I think dad 
is a good, but a funny creta. The way they watch and pry 
at me, when night comes, you would think that I was a thief and a rubber. The proper solvent of the matter, 
is to chloroform them. Pa always tells me, "girl, don't try 
to fool me, I'm no farmer-see." 
Rose, my dear girl, I do not like the manna you've 
treated me of late. You are the only graduate of our class, 
who has not measured up to the full capacity of my 
expectations. I have no scruples to tell you that you act 
as if you hadn't a grain of scents.. I write you volumes 
of letters, then weight and weight for an answer, but 
none comes. Is that the weigh to behave? 
Why did you tell the Professor about that innocent 
joke we played on you? You should not have for cotton 
our glass mortar, "Non Repetatur" ("Do not repeat.") 
Scillae girl, never squill, nor hold mellis, honey dear. 
My honey Rose, it does not pay, even though some people 
Carum to their graves; bet your life I won't caraway any 
when I die. 
At first I thought you were not Fehling well, or were 
in low spirits, or perhaps you are still angry about the 
little retort I made in that debate. What I said might have 
been somewhat tinctured with irony, nevertheless. I spoke 
in good faith, and your spirits should not have been 
affected. The heated discussion that followed your"Assav" 
was a true test of its value, and a good indicator of its 
high standard. The fac is you make a mistake, if you 
think I am trying to soft soap you or konseal anything. 
I menthol I said. 
Hadn't we a stiff final exam? Too bad for poor Flora, 
she lactate marks in Botany (her pet subject tooj. To 
makes matters worse your namesake, Rosa, centiflora, a 
bunch of purple foxgloves and a lettes of condolence. We 
had astringent paper, I admit, but she should have made 
it. She looked quite pale, Rose did, that morning after 
reading one hundred leaves of that book. I wanted to 
Zea, before coming out here, but I hadn't the time. 
Well Rose, we are here at last. A week ago the folks 
decided to come out here. I said to the girls; Milli, Bella, 
Ruta, Marania Sal. Ana, Cera. Enema, "Would you cum with 
us to the beech?" "Wood we" was the chorus. Right then, 
Belladonna her new hat, and off we started. Bella looked 
a sight, her bonnet was a regular monkshood. We missed 
the 4 o'clock train, because our hired man Hans, didn't 
know what ivy meant. Our butler, Max, the German 
chamomile with us, but anthemis the train, she had to 
go back for Prince's Pine, her pet dog. Antidotes on the old dog. All the dog does is to bark and wine; and let me 
tell you she can balsam. Last week I soda her in a bag, 
pitched her in the pond to Zincum, but she wouldn't zinc; 
she is as tough as oxide. Nux time I'll nut fail, I'll give 
her a dog button. The other day, the dog upset a bolus 
starch Ana had just mixed, I shied a hot iron at Ante's 
pet, but the foxy dog, dodged it. I decided to get even, 
and to settle matters, I started to liquor, but this only 
precipitated matters, and made a horrid mixture Auntie 
said. "I am going to cut you all out of my will!" "Oh," 
said pa," so that lets Salicin. Aunt Viola adopted this 
girl two years ago and let me tell you she s quite poplar 
with ante. Finally, pa quieted down, and sediment no 
harm. This girl thinks she's a regular heroin. Some day 
she'll wake up. 
Last summer we took in a little excursion on a steamer, 
the sea got just a trifle rough; my aunt rushed up to the 
captain, and in the tenderest tones said, "Captain, if the 
sea keeps up this way won't you tell your wireless man 
to send out the 'S. O. S.' signal, for my dog is not a very 
good swimmer?" To still her fears, the captain answered, 
"If necessary." 
Antitoxin her sleep. The other night, when fast asleep, 
she said, "girls!, girls!, unit till I take 3000 winks; no, I 
am not sick, I am well, I'll need only 500 winks. Auntie is 
a Quercus. 
Rose, did you an ounce your engagement to-I don't 
recall his name; I mean that chap who took you to the 
drachma, two winters ago? Don't you remember when 
you were having our wraps checked, you pointed to him, 
and said, "Cc." Has Terebene to see you since? My chap, 
you know, thought he had me bottled up and well-corked, 
but I think, I have given him the "Shake," He is awfully 
jealous. The last time I saw him he said to me, "My 
hartshorn you strong, fords a long while we have known 
each other, and although ammonia poor fellow, no one 
can love you stronger." This fellow is 28, just 10 ahead 
of my class; marry him ? I gas not. 
Even poor old Auntie has her love affairs. Old Mullein 
fyou know his cousin Carragheen) he moss be Irish, calls 
to see Auntie, nearly every day. Pa came near giving 
him a lichen. This fellow brings her a Geranium and a 
Yellow Jasmine every time he calls. You remembei 
Auntie's motto: "Marigold and Loveage." 
I have not for cotton that very excellent book you lent me; it has been the rage for almost ten years. Didn't it 
come out sometime in September 1905? I think I have 
absorbed it some. I hear that another edition will be 
published soon. We all must own a copy, for we can't 
dispense with it, no, I mean we can't dispense without it. 
We boarded, when we came here first. When one of us 
asked for a glass of milk; the kind lady replied, "Friends, 
I keep everything in this house, but all that I lac is milk 
I havn't gutta drop. I almost starved. And think of 
papain her a season's board in advance, and not getting 
back one cent. I think papaw made a big mistake, that 
stuff we ate gave me indigestion for almost a week. My 
apetitite is simply grand, I almost came near saying 
voracious. I account for it in the change we made in 
our eating-place, the bracing air (you can really smell 
the ozone), and our frequent dips in the briny deep. Ma 
not having quite recovered still sticks to her hot-water baths, 
auntie, having joined, what she calls, the Advanced 
Thought Movement, takes her sun-baths and sand-baths;. 
and at night is so blistered that she takes, what Sal calls, 
her glycerin-baths. On poppy's head, you can still see the 
scullcap, even when he goes to sleep. 
How is our fat chum, Lana? Isn't she a mite fine girl. 
Olein is all right, you bet your life. The last time I saw 
her she was stearin her little boat "Palmitin." The poor 
girl ripped her new dress on the rudder, and I had to 
help her suet. She and her sister think they are regular 
adeps. I sincerely hope they will absorb all the water they 
can, and then take to airships. 
By the way, I saw Palmetto and Pareira yesterday. 
They are just from Jalapa; all their talk is Mexico, 
Mexico. They said that the habitat that country is to 
attend bull fights; one particular bull killed twenty men 
in one day, isn't that Sumbul? They say men fight duels 
over a lady slipper; and that they do cusso. We asked 
them why they Moschus so; all they answered was, 
"W-e-1-1, I guess they musk. 
They reported that the Spaniards are leaving the country 
in a hurry. The day before they left for these shores, 
Villa sent a dispatch to his chief in a single word, which 
when Carranza opened read, "Cantharides." He clapped 
his sword, and gleefully exclaimed, "The Spanish Fly." 
Pareira who thinks he's a hero and brava, than Pal- 
metto, said to us one evening, "Girls, if I'd stayed there 
another day I'd aristol all I had, for lodo-form a regi- ment, Iodol the chance; but my good Mexican friend got 
into trouble and was put on Pyr-rol. I felt that lodum 
some gratitude for his kindness to us; for you sea-zveed 
been shot, but for him. You know that chap is still a 
boaster," and largely made up of "I," "Once," he con- 
tained, "we had a mix up with those fellows, so we all 
reached for our guns, but our fr.end (Corolla that was his 
name) said, Stamen! No pistils! Leaf it to me, I have 
seen many petals in my day; though it is the style, yet 
go unarmed, it is safer and is no stigma." What Sparteine 
courage! 
The Esters are to pay us a visit ether today or tomorrow. 
My little friend Paullinia is coming to CSs. 
Friend Rose the weaher isn't cola, so strain a point to 
get out here; if you are not here soon, I shall spend my 
last copper to Cu. 
Rose, I got myself in a terrible fix, for at the last 
minute, I decided that we have some kind of pud- 
ding for dessert; we hadn't anything in the house, but 
flour and a little butter, and besides it was Sunday, and 
all the stores were closed. The girls decided that we go 
a-hunting. The first place we struck, was a drug store, 
and imagine my surprise; we got suet figs, prunes, raisins, 
orange peel, nutmeg, sugar, cream of tartar, cinnamon, 
vanilla, almonds and brandy-no we couldn't get any 
brandy; for the clerk told us that no drug store sold any 
such stuff. I was a bit sceptical about the quality of the 
things, for I didn't know they kept such goods. I 
told him so. He gravely replied," Madam, under the 
provisions of the Food And Drugs Act of 1906, all the 
stock of grocery stores and drug stores must comply with 
fixed standards of strength, quality, purity and, tests." 
Any way, the combination was lovely; everybody liked it, 
We ad up to fourteen to dinner last Sunday; so as not 
to have thirteen I adde to add, Sessile to our number; he 
was out here. I don't know why he Camphor? Come as 
soon as possible, the change will do you good, and will 
be a regular balm. Tar! Tar! 
Lovingly yours, 
Melissa.