A fantasy by 0 H Andrewes

I am asked by the editor of this journal to do an article for its
Coronetion number. He is also asking a lot of other old Barts's men to do articss,
but the others are all extremely high toned characters like dukes, and even
surgeons. Now 1 em not in this class at all, being only a slightly prominent
vack=room toy, and the way I figure it is he wants me to write something very
learned and obscure so that he can crack up his journal as being high-browed
as well es high-toned.

The other day I am forgetting all about this, request and I am reading
a thing in the current Journal of General Microbiology by Doc Hayes entitled
"Observations on a transmissible agent determining sexual differentiation in
Bacterium coli, This suy says that an infectious agent like a bacteriophage
infects simole minded B. coli and endows them with sexual appetites and potency.
Now this suy Hayes is an Irishman, so you might figure it was all a legs vull,
but in the same journal is an article by an Italian and two Americans, called
Cavalli, Lederberg and Lederberg and they pitch the same yarn, And since Italians
and U.S. citizens are agreed by one and all to be very reoutable characters
indeed, I suppose this is all right. However, the articles in question make
fairly heavy coing, even though I an extremely interested in the question:
"Ts sex infectious?", and I am oresently reachine out for somethine lighter
to cead and I find e story by a suy called Damon Hunyon. This is all about
Broadway and guys and dolls and rods and snatching and scratching anc this and
thet and one thing and another. But after a while I get too sleepy to read even
this, so I dose off and the dreams I dream seem to have Damon Runyon aad the
J. Gen. Microb, a bit mixed together.

Once uvon a time (my dream gzoes) ever so long avo there is an Autotroohic
Micro-organism called Plato the Pure livine in a vorimevsl slime, And since he
only provagates by binary fission, all his orogeny of the same clone (or elen as
the Scots say) carry the same name. He profeates by binary fission because he is
taught to do so, and all his thoushts are pure and the idea of kissing a doll
bane on the mash never enters Wis noygin, vartly because he has no nosein anc
there are no dolls, though there are plenty of dark nights, at that, and all
peing wasted. Now Plato is very hapoy wrapping himself around the primeval slime
whenever hunsry, excent for some very unvleasant guys called bacteriophages.
These are very unpleasant characters indeed who do not honestly scratch for
themselves, but shoot their way through an autotrophic micro-organisms cell wall
and make merry hell in the cytovlasmic contents thereof and finally bust it all
up completely. iow Plato the Pure and his friends finelly devise means to
thwart these bactericphages either by bulletoroofing their outer walls or by
learning how to take away a vhace's rod when he gets inside, so as to demote him
to a oro-phage. Pro-phages can be tolerated as long as they keev out of the way
and you don't trip over their tails when engaged in the ticklish business of

inary fission, Still, not even the most harmless of vhaves are really welcomed.

One day a particularly nasty phage called Percy the Pimp rets together

with his friends and concocts a vlan to make themselves acceoteable to the
bacterial cell. This involves dissuisine themselves in genes.

I guess I have to exolain what senes are. When an organism like Plato
the Pure wishes to binary fiss, he sorts out his component varts into vairs
(called vairs of genes), so that each half will have a complete set; and all

 

* J. Gen. Microh. 1953 vol. 3, p. 72, in case you don't believe me.
bacteria take great pride in their genes. When a ohage decks out his nether linbs
ina vair of genes, especially blue genes, he looks more than somewhat attractive
and any bacterium so Perey the pimp reckons, will be glad to heave him inside

his cellular wall. And so it hanpens and Percy the Pimo's vlan is all the rage
with one and all. For when Plato the Pure finds a strange gene inside him he feels
most veculiar and sets all excited because it really is a most agreable feeling
indeed.

After a bit he and his friends begin to think, why bother about Percy
the Pimp. Every so often a bacterium hauls off and dies and after it autolyses,
odd genes are left lying untidily about in the primordial ooze. So Platestarts
quickly snatching these odd genes when no-one is looking and he gets just as big
e@ kick as when Percy introduces them, bringing his own unwelcome comvany through
the cell wall at the same time. Later on, Plato and a blond bacillus get to
giving each other birthday vresents of genes they don't especially need for
themselves. And pretty soon Plato the Pure doesn't do a lot to deserve his
epithet and peovle begin calling him plain Plato. But this gene swacning racket
turns out most excellently for one and all, for auite anart fron getting kicks
out of it, it gives bacterial evolution one whale of a voost and the humblest
micro-organisms get going vlaces and turning into protozoa and higher funei and
one thing end another.

Finally, a biz moment comes, when two of them ere close toeether in a
corner, swapping genes, when, lo, there is a solution of the continuity of their
adjacent cell walls, and what haopens next I can't tell because of the Lord
Chamberlain. What's more, other germs soon cet the same idea. Such things can't
take place without comment and remark and before lone a watch comaittee is formed
of 2 matrons, 3 bishops, 4 borouch councillors and a night sister end they begin
plugging the slogan "Back to binary fission!" They have some ideas of stooping
the whole thing with entibioctics, but of course that cuts no ice: sex is here
to stay.

"he watch committee dees, however, get the thing reeulated. There
heopens about that time to be a craze for American square dancing and xeople
are rather easily persuaded that when they want to exchange geres theysnell
organize in a sort of ritual dance. The Virginia reel is favoured at first,
but soon a very pretty dance is irvented. It goes to a song with the refrain
"Don't tread on my toeses" and the dance sets the name Mitosis and one and
all are dancing it ever since. And so it goes on and on. The ritual gets a
good deal more comolicated in the last thousand years, and now one is supposed
to have things like parsons and rings, and even champagne and bridesmaids.
Many people enjoy this; but no one thinks of outting uo a statue to Perey the
Pimp who starts it all.

I tell of this dream because it contains a lot of valuable information
which may be of use to students taking examinations: it may help them to vass
and become dectors or highly vrominent back-room boys or dukes or even
surgeons,