%'s c*k,< : * "' V»* • m V > V S.Department ol °J Health. Education. *> and Welfare. Public % Health Service Bethesdo, Md 5 \/^\ °J U.S. Deportment of Health, Educotion, > ond Welfare, Public 5 jo luauiiiodaasn PW 'op58i)isg 33IM3S HMDaH aiiqnj 'aio^a/^ puo ISI ru t 2 D 0 1 > m s k 0 r^ 0 / z > □ 5 ■" m 1 k CO LH i JO > □ 0 bn. 30 NLM053013022 NATIONAL LIBRARY OF MEDICINE NATIONAL LIBRARY OF MEDICINE NATIONAL LIBRARY I SNiDiaaw jo Aavaan tvnouvn 3NOIC13VY jo Aavaan tvnouvn ./V it/ t \s\ //\. 3NIDI03W jo Aava THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT AND CURIOSITIES OF MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. BY ALBERT SMITH. Ms NEW YORK : JOHN B. ALDEX, PUBLISHER. 1889. fin >?e,)C CONTENTS. THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. The Introductory Discourse ..... The New Man -------- Of His Gradual Development - Of the Manner in which the First Season Passes Of His Maturity and Latin Examination Of the Grinder and His Class .... Of Various Other Diverting Matters Connected with (i rinding Of the Examination at Apothecaries' Hall ... Code of Instructions to be Observed by Those Preparing for Examination at the Hall - - - - - Of the Sequel to the Hall Examination ... The Student's Alphabet - - The Termination of the Hall Examination - IIow Mr. Muff Concludes His Evening - - - - Of the College, and The Conclusion A Letter from an Old Friend, showing how he is getting on A Few Lines from Mr. Joseph Muff - ... -zioT-Cxtr CONTEXTS. CURIOSITIES OF MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. Mr. Rapp's Farewell Feast ----- •>!) Mr. Rapp's Farewell Feast, Continued - - - - 01 Mr. Manhug's Song.—An Assistant Wanted - - 02 Mi-. Muff's Extempore ------ 01 The Destinies of Mr. Rapp's Guests - <». k overbearing and unpleasant; and the whole locality is invested with an overallishness of unanswerable questions and intricate botheration. Some of the students are marching up and THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 37 down the room in feverish restlessness; others, arm in arm, are worrying each other to death with questions; and the rest are grinding away to the last minute at a manual, or trying to write minute atomic numbers on their thumb-nail. The clock strikes five, and Mr. Sayer enters the room, ex- claiming—"Mr. Manhug, Mr. Jones, Mr. Saxby, and Mr. Collins." The four depart to the chamber of examination, where the medical inquisition awaits them, with every species of mental torture to screw their brains instead of their thumbs, and rack their intellects instead of their limbs,—the chair on which the unfortunate student is placed being far more un- easy than the tightest fitting "Scavenger's daughter" in the Tower of London. After an anxious hour, Mr. Jones returns, with a light bounding step to a joyous extempore air of his own composing: he has passed. In another twenty minutes Mr. Saxby walks fiercely in, calls for his hat, condemns the ex- aminers ad inferos, swears he shall cut the profession, and Avalks away. He has been plucked; and Mr. Muff, who stands sixth on the list, is called on to make his appearance before the awful tribunal. IX. OF THE SEQUEL TO THE HALL EXAMINATION. Whilst Mr. Muff follows the beadle from the funking-room to the Council Chamber, he scarcely knows whether he is walking upon his head or his heels; if any thing, he believes that he is adopting the former mode of locomotion; nor does he recover a sense of his true position until he finds himself seated at one end of a square table, the other three sides whereof are occupied by the same number of gentlemen of grave and austere bearing, with all the candles in the room apparently endeavoring to imitate that species of eccentric dance Avhich he has only seen the gas-lamps attempt occasion- ally as he has returned home from his harmonic society. The table before him is invitingly spread with pharmacopoeias, books of prescriptions, trays of drugs, and half-dead plants; and upon these subjects, for an hour and a half, he is com- pelled to ansAver questions. We Avill not follow his examination: nobody was ever able to see the least joke in it; and therefore it is unfitted for our columns. We can but state that after having been puzzled, 38 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF bullied, "caught," quibbled with, and abused, for the above space of time, his good genius prevails, and he is told he may retire. Oh! the pleasure with which he re-enters the funkmg- room—that nice, long, pleasant room, Avith its cheerful fire- place and good substantial book-cases, and valuable books, and excellent old-fashioned furniture; and the capital tea which the Avorshipful company alloAVS him—never Avas meal so exquisitely relished. He has passed the Hall! won't he haA7e a flaie-up to-night!—that's all. As soon as all the candidates have passed, their certificates are given them, upon payment of various sovereigns, and they are let out. The first great rush takes place to the "re- tail establishment" over the way, where all their friends are assembled—Messrs. Jones, Rapp, Manhug, &c. A pot of "Hospital Medoc" is consumed by each of the thirsty candi- dates, and off they go, jumping Jim Crow down Union-street, and swaggering along the pavement six abreast, as they sing several extempore variations of their own upon a glee which details divers peculiarities in the economy of certain small pigs, pleasantly enlivened by grunts and whistles, and the occasional asseveration of the singers that their paternal par- ent was a man of less than ordinary stature. This insensibly changes into "Willy brewed a Peck of Malt," and finally settles down into " Nix my Dolly," appropriately danced and chorused, until a policeman, Avho has no music in his soul, stops their harmony, but threatens to take them into charge if they do not bring their promenade concert to a close. Arrived at their lodgings, the party throw off all restraint. The table is soon covered Avith beer, spirits, screws, hot water, and pipes; and the company take off their coats, unbutton their stocks, and proceed to conviviality. Mr. Muff, Avho is in the chair, sings the first song, which informs his friends that the glasses sparkle on the board and the wine is ruby bright, in allusion to the pewter-pots and half-and-half. Hav- ing finished, Mr. Muff calls upon Mr. Jones, who sings a ballad, not altogether perhaps of the same class you would hear at an evening party in Belgrave-square, but still of in- finite humor, which is applauded upon the table to a degree that flirps all the beer out of the pots, with which Mr. Rar>i) draws portraits and humorous conceits upon the table with his finger, Mr. Manhug is then called upon, and sings THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. THE STUDENT'S ALPHABET. Oh, A Avas an Artery, fill'd with injection; And B was a Brick, never caught at dissection. C were some Chemicals—lithium and borax; And D was a Diaphragm, flooring the thorax. Chorus {taken in, xhorl-httnd with minute accuracy.) Fol de rol lol. Tol de rol lay. Fol de rol, tol de rol, tol de rol, lay. E was an Embryo in a glass case; And F a Foramen, that pierced the skull's base. G was a Grinder, who sharpen'd the fools; And H means the Half-and-half drunk at the schools. Fol de rol lol, &c. I was some Iodine, made of sea-weed. J Avas a Jolly Cock, not used to read. K was some Kreosote, much over-rahd; And L were the Lies which about it were stated. Fol de rol lol, &c. M was a Muscle—cold, flabby, and red; And N was a Nerve, like a bit of white thread. O was some Opium, a fool chose to take; And P were the Pins used to keep him aAvake. Fol de rol lol, &c. Q were the Quacks, who cure stammer and squint. It was a Raw from a burn, wrapp'd in lint. S was a Scalpel, to eat bread and cheese; And T was a Tourniquet, vessels to squeeze. Fol de rol lol, &c. U was the Unciform bone of the wrist. V was the Vein which a blunt lancet miss'd. W was Wax, from a syringe that floAv'd. X, the Xaminers, who may be bloAv'd! Fol de rol lol, &c. Y stands for You all, with best wishes since e; And Z for the Zanies who never touch beer. So we've got to the end, not forgetting a letter; And those who don't like it may grind up a better. Fol de rol lol, &c. This song is vociferously cheered, except by Mr. Rapp, who during its execution has been engaged in making an elabor- ate p^ce of basket-work out of wooden pipe-lights, which 40 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF having arranged to his satisfaction, he sends scudding at the chairman's head. The harmony proceeds and with it the de- sire to assist in it, until they all sing different airs at once; and the lodger above, who has vainly endeavored to get to sleep for the last three hours, gives up the attempt as hope- less, when he hears Mr. Manhug called upon for the sixth time to do the cat and dog, saw the bit of wood, imitate Macready sing his own version of " Lur-lie-e-ty," and accompany it with his elbows on the table. The first symptom of approaching cerebral excitement from the action of liquid stimulants is perceived in Mr. Muff him- self, who tries to cut some cold meat with the snuffers. Mr. Simpson, also a new man, who is looking very pale, rather overcome with the effects of his elementary screw in a first essay to perpetrate a pipe, petitions for the Avindow to be let down, that the smoke, which you might divide with a knife, may escape more readily. This proposition is unanimously negatived, until Mr. Jones, who is tilting his chair back, pro- duces the desired effect by overbalancing himself in the mid- dle of a comic medley, and causing a compound, comminuted, and irreducible fracture of three panes of glass by tumbling through them. Hereat, the harmony experiencing a temporary check, and all the half-and-half having disappeared, Mr. Muff finds there is no great probability of getting any more, as the servant who attends upon the seven different lodgers has long since retired to rest in the turn-down bedstead of the back kitchen. An adjournment is therefore determined upon; and, collecting their hats and coats us they best may, the Avhole party tumble out into the streets at two o'clock in the morn- ing. "Whiz-z-z-z-z-t!" shouts Mr. Manhug, as they emerge into the cool air, in accents which only Wieland could excel; "there goes a cat!" Upon the information a ATolley of hats follow the scared animal, none of AA7hich go within ten yards of it, except Mr. Rapp's, who, taking a bold aim, flings his own gossamer down the area, over the railings, as the cat jumps betAveen them on to the water-butt, Avhich is always her first leap in a hurried retreat. Whereupon Mr. Rapp goes and rings the house-bell, that the domestics may return his property; but not receiving an answer, and being assured of the absence of a policeman, he pulls the handle out as far as it Avill come, breaks it off, and puts it in his pocket. After this they run about the streets, indulging in the usual buovant THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 41 recreations that innocent and happy minds so situated delight to follow, and are eventually separated by their flight from the police, from the safe plan they have adopted of all run- ning different ways when pursued, to bother the crushers. What this leads to we shall probably hear newt w ■< k, when they are once more reunis in the dissecting-room 10 recon-o their adventures. X. THE TERMINATION OF THE HALL EXAMINATION. The morning after the carousal reported in our last chap- ter, the parties thereat assisting are dispersed in various parts of London. Did a modern Asmodeus take a spectator to any elevated point from which he could overlook the Great Metro- polis of Mr. Grant and England just at this period, when Aurora has not long called the sun, avIio rises as surlily as if he had got out of bed the Avrong way, he would see Mr." Rapp ruminating upon things in general, Avhilst seated on some cab- bages in Covent Garden Market; Mr. Jones taking refresh- ment with a lamplighter and two cabmen at a promenade coffee-stand near Charing Cross, to whom he is giving a lec- ture upon the action of veratria in paralysis, jumbled sonic- how or other with frequent asseverations that he shall at all times be happy to see the aforesaid lamplighter and two cab- men at the hospital or his own lodgings; Mr. Manhug, with a pocket-handkerchief tied round his head, not clearly under- standing Avhat has become of his latch-key, but rather im- agining that he threw it into a lamp instead of the short pipe which still remains in the pocket of his pea-jacket, and, more- over, finding himself close to London Bridge, is taking a gratuitous doze in the cabin of the Boulogne steamboat, Avhich he ascertains does not start until eight o'clock; Avhilst Mr. Simpson, the new man, with the usual destiny of such green productions—thirsty, nauseated, and "coming round"—is safely taken care of in one of the small private, unfurnished apartments Avhich are let by the night on exceedingly moder- ate terms (an introduction by a policeman of known respect- ability being all the reference that is required) in the imme- diate neighborhood of the Bow-street Police-office. Where 42 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF Mr. Muff is—it is impossible to form the least idea; he may probably speak for himself. The reader will now7 please to shift the time and place to two o'clock p. M., in the dissecting-room, which is full of stu- dents, comprising three we have just spoken of, except Mr. Simpson. A message has been received that the anatomical teacher is unavoidably detained at an important case in pri- vate practice, and cannot meet his class to-day. Hereupon there is much rejoicing amongst the pupils, who gather in a large semicircle round the fire-place, and devise various amus- ing methods of passing the time. Some are for subscribing to buy a set of four-corners to be played in the museum when the teachers are not there, and kept out of sight in an old coffin Avhen they are not Avanted. Others vote for getting up sixpenny sweepstakes, and raffling for them with dice—the winner of each to stand a pot out of his gains, and add to the goodly array of empty pewters which already grace the man- telpiece in bright order, Avith the exception of two irregulars, one of Avhich Mr. Rapp has squeezed flat to show the power of his hand; and in the bottom of the other Mr. Manhug has bored a foramen Avith a red hot poker in a laudable attempt to warm the heavy that it contained. Two or three think they had better adjourn to the nearest slate table and play a grand pool; and some more vote for tapping the preparations in the museum, and making the porter of the dissecting-room intoxicated with the grog manufactured from the proof spirit. The various arguments are, however, cut short by the entrance of Mr. Muff, who rushes into the room, followed by Mr. Simp- son, and throwing off his Mackintosh cape, pitches a large fluttering mass of feathers into the middle of the circle. "Halloo, Muff! how are you, my bean—what's up?" is the general exclamation. "Oh, here's a lark! " is all Mr. Muff's reply. "Lark! " cries Mr. Rapp; "you're drunk, Muff—you don't mean to call that a lark!" "It's a beautiful patriarchal old hen," returns Mr. Muff, "that I bottled, as she Avas meandering down the mews; and iioav I vote we have her for lunch. Who's game to kill her?" Various plans are immediately suggested, including cutting her head off, poisoning her with morphia, or shooting her with a little cannon Mr. Rapp has got in his locker; but at last the majority decide upon hanging her. A gibbet is speedily prepared, simply consisting of a thigh-bone laid THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 43 across tAVo high stools; a piece of whip cord is then noosed round the victim's neck; and she is launched into eternity, as the newspapers say—Mr. Manhug attending to pull her legs. "Depend upon it that's a humane death," remarks Mr. Jones. "I never tried to strangle a fowl but once, and then I twisted its neck bang off. I know a capital plan to finish cats though." " Throw it off—put it up—let's have it," exclaim the circle. "Well, then; you must get their necks in a slip-knot and pull them up to a key-hole. They can't hurt you, you know, because you are the other side the door." " Oh, capital—quite a wrinkle," observes Mr. Muff. " But how do you catch them first ? " " Put a hamper outside the leads with some valerian in it, and a bit of cord tied to the lid. If you keep Avatch, you may bag half-a-dozen in no time; and strange cats are fair game for everybody—only some of them are rum 'uns to bite." At this moment, a new Scotch pupil, AA7ho is lulling himself into the belief that he is studying anatomy from some sheep's eyes by himself in the Museum, enters the dissecting-room, and mildly asks the porter " what a heart is Avorth?" "I don't knoAV, sir," shouts Mr. Rapp; "it depends entirely upon what's trumps;" whereupon the new Scotch pupil retires to his study as if he Avas shot, folloAved by several pieces of cinders and tobacco-pipe. During the preceding conversation, Mr. Muff cuts down the victim Avith a scalpel; and, finding that life has departed, commences to pluck it, and perform the usual post-mortem abdominal examinations attendant upon such occasions. Mr. Rapp undertakes to manufacture an extempore spit from the rather dilapidated umbrella of the neAV Scotch pupil, which he has heedlessly left in the dissecting-room. This being completed, with the assistance of some wire from the ribs of an old skeleton that had hung in a corner of the room ever since it was built, the hen is put doAvn to roast, presenting the most extraordinary specimen of trussing upon record. Mr. Jones undertakes to buy some butter at a shop behind the hospital; and Mr. Manhug, not being able to procure any flour, gels some starch from the cabinet of the lecturer on Materia Medica, and poAvders it in a mortar which he bor- rows from the laboratory. " To revert to cats," observes Mr. Manhug, as he sets him- self before the fire to superintend the cooking; "it strikes 44 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF me we could contrive no end of fun if Ave each agreed to bring some here one day in carpet-bags. We could drive in plenty of dogs, and cocks, and hens, out of the back streets, and then let them all loose together in the dissecting-room." "With a sprinkling of rats and ferrets," adds Mr. Rapp. " I knoAV a man Avho can let us have as many as Aye want. The skrimmage would be immense, only I shouldn't much care to stay and see it." " Oh, that's nothing," replies Mr. Muff. " Of course, we must get on the roof and look at it through the sky-lights. You may depend upon it, it Avould be the finest card we ever played." How gratifying to every philanthropist must be these proofs of the elasticity of mind peculiar to a Medical Stu- dent ! Surrounded by scenes of the most impressive and deplorable nature — in constant association with death, and contact with disease — his noble spirit, in the ardor of his search after professional information, still retains its buoyancy and freshness; and he wreaths Avith roses the hours which he passes in the dissecting-room, although the world in general looks upon it as a rather unlikely locality for those flowers to shed their perfume over! " By the Avay, Muff, where did you get to last night after Ave all cut?" inquires Mr. Rapp. "Why, that's what I am rather anxious to find out my- self," replies Mr. Muff; "but I think I can collect tolerably good reminiscences of my travels." " Tell us all about it, then," cry three or four. "With pleasure—only let's have in a little more beer; for the heat of the fire in cooking produces rather too rapid an evaporation of fluids from the surface of the body." "Oh, bloAV your physiology!" says Rapp. "You mean to say you've got a hot copper—so have I. Send for the precious balm, and then fire away." And accordingly, when the beer arrives, Mr. Muff proceeds with the recital of his wanderings, THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 45 XL HOAV MR. MUFF CONCLUDES HIS EVENING. Essential as sulphuric acid is to the ignition of the plati- num in an hydropneumatic lamp, so is half-and-half to the proper illumination of a Medical Student's faculties. The Royal College of Surgeons may thunder and the lecturers may threaten, but all to no effect; for, like the slippers in the Eastern story, however often the pots may be ordered away from the dissecting-room, somehoAv or other they always find their way back again with unflinching pertinacity. All the world inclined towards beer knows that the current price of a pot of half-and-half is fivepence, and by this standard the Medical Student fixes his expenses. He says he has given three pots for a pair of Berlin gloves, and speaks of a half- croAvn as a six-pot piece. Mr. Muff takes the goodly measure in his hand, and deca- pitating its "spuma" with his pipe, from which he flings it into Mr. Simpson's face, indulges in a prolonged drain, and commences his narrative—most probably in the following manner:— " You know we should all have got on very well if Rapp hadn't been such a fool as to pull away the lanthorns from the place where they are putting down the wood pavement in the Strand, and swear he Avas a watchman. I thought the crusher saw us, and so I got ready for a bolt, when Manhug said the blocks had no right to obstruct the footpath; and, shoving down a whole Avail of them into the street, voted for stopping to play at duck Avith them. Whilst he was trying how many he could pitch across the Strand against the shut- ters opposite, down came the pewlice and off we cut." " I had a tight squeak for it," interrupts Mr. Rapp; " but I beat them at last, in the dark of the Durham-street arch. That's a dodge worth being up to Avhen you get into a row near the Adelphi. Fire away, Muff—where did you go ? " "Right up a court to Maiden-lane, in the hope of bolting into the Cider-cellars. But they Avere all shut up, and the fire out in the kitchen, so I ran on through a lot of alleys and back-slums, until I got somewhere in St. Giles's, and here I took a cab." 46 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF " Why, you hadn't got an atom of tin when you left us," says Mr. Manhug. "Devil a bit did that signify. You know I only took the cab—I'd nothing at all to do with the driver; he was all right in the gin-shop near the stand, I suppose. I got on the box, and drove about for my OAvn diversion—I don't exactly know where; but I couldn't leave the cab, as there was always a crusher in the way when I stopped. At last I found myself at the large gate of New Square, Lincoln's Inn, so I knocked until the porter opened it, and drove in as straight as I could. When I got to the corner of the square, by No. 7, I pulled up, and, tumbling off my perch, walked quietly along to the Portugal-street wicket. Here the other porter let me out, and I found myself in Lincoln's Inn Fields." " And what became of the cab ? " asks Mr. Jones. " How should I know ?—it was no affair of mine. I dare say the horse made it right; it didn't matter to him whether he was stranding in St. Giles's or Lincoln's Inn, only the last was the most respectable." " I don't see that," says Mr. Manhug, refilling his pipe. " Why, all the thieves in London live in St. Giles's." "Well, and Avho live in Lincoln's Inn?" "Pshaw! that's all worn out," continues Mr. Muff. "I got to the College of Surgeons, and had a good mind to scud some oyster-shells through the windows, only there were sev- eral people about—fellows coming home to chambers, and the like; so I pattered on until I found myself in Drury-lane close to a coffee-shop that was open. There I saw such a jolly row!" Mr. Muff utters this last sentence in the same ecstatic accents of admiration with which we speak of a lovely woman or a magnificent view. " What was it about ? " eagerly demanded the rest of the circle. " Why, just as I got in, a gentleman of a vivacious turn of mind, who Avas taking an early breakfast, had shied a soft- boiled egg at the gas-light, which didn't hit it, of course, but flew across the tops of the boxes, and broke UDon a ladv's head." _ ^ J " What a mess it must have made ?" interposes Mr. Man- hug. " Coffee-shop eggs are always so very albuminous." " Once I found some feathers in one, and a fcetal chick," observes Mr. Rapp. THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 47 "Knock that down for a good one!" says Mr. Jones, taking the poker and striking three distinct blows on the mantel- piece, the last of Avhich breaks off the corner. " Well, what did the lady do ?" " Commenced kicking up an extensive shindy, something between crying, coughing, and abusing; until somebody in a fustian coat, addressing the assailant, said, ' he was no gentle- man, whoever he was, to throw eggs at a woman; and that if he'd come out he'd pretty soon butter his crumpets on both sides for him, and give him pepper for nothing.' The master of the coffee shop now came forward and said, 'he wasn't a going to have no uproar in his house, which was very respect- able, and always used by the first of company, and if they wanted to quarrel, they might fight it out in the streets.' Whereupon they all began to barge the master at once,—one saying 'his coffee was all snuff and chickAveed,' or something of the kind; whilst the other told him 'he looked as measly as a mouldy muffin;' and then all of a sudden a lot of half-pint cups and pewter spoons flew up in the air, and the three men began an indiscriminate battle all to themselves, in one of the boxes, 'fighting quite permiscus,' as the lady properly ob- served. I think the landlord was worst off though; he got a very queer wipe across the face from the handle of his own toasting-fork." " And what did you do, Muff ?" asks Mr. Manhug. " Ah, that was the finishing card of all. I put the gas out, and was walking off as quietly as could be, when some police- men who heard the roAv outside met me at the door, and wouldn't let me pass. I said I would, and they said I should not, until we came to scuffling, and then one of them calling to some more, told them to take me to Bow-street, Avhich they did; but I made them carry me though. When I got into the office they had not any especial charge to make against me, and the old bird behind the partition said I might go about my business; but, as ill luck Avould have it, another of the un- boiled ones recognized me as one of the party who had upset the wooden blocks—he knew me again by my d—d Taglioni." "And what did they do to you ?" "Marched me across the yard and locked me up; when, to my great consolation in my affliction, I found Simpson, cry- ing and twisting up his pocket-handkerchief, as if he was wringing it; and hoping his friends would not hear of his dis- grace through the Times." 48 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF " What a love you are Simpson!" observes Mr. Jones pat- ronizingly. " Why, hoAv the deuce could they, if you gave a proper name? I hope you called yourself James Ed- wards." Mr. Simpson blushes, bloAVS his nose, mutters something about his card-case and telling an untruth, which excites much merriment; and Mr. Muff proceeds:— " The beak wasn't such a bad fellow after all, when we went up in the morning. I said I Avas ashamed to confess we were both disgracefully intoxicated, and that I would take great care nothing of the same humiliating nature should occur again; whereupon we Avere fined twelve pots each, and ] tossed sudden death Avith Simpson which should pay both. Hg lost and paid down the dibs. We came away, and here we are." The mirth proceeds, and, ere long, gives place to harmony; and when the cookery is finished, the bird is speedily con- verted into an anatomical preparation,—albeit her interarticu- lar cartilages are somewhat tough, and her lateral ligaments apparently composed of a substance between leather and caoutchouc. As afternoon advances, the porter of the dis- secting-room finds them performing an incantation dance round Mr. Muff, who, seated on a stool placed upon two of the tressels, is rattling some halfpence in a skull, accompan- ied by Mr. Rapp, Avho is performing a difficult concerto on an extempore instrument of his own invention, composed of the Scotchman's hat, who is still grinding in the Museum, and the identical thigh-bone that assisted to hang Mr. Muff's patri- archal old hen! XII. OF THE COLLEGE, AND THE CONCLUSION. Our hero once more undergoes the process of grinding Uefore he presents himself in Lincoln's-Inn Fields for°examin- ation at the College of Surgeons. Almost the last affair which our hero troubles himself about is the Examination at the College of Surgeons; and as his anatomical knowledge requires a little polishing before he presents himself in Lin- THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 49 coln's-Inn Fields, he once more undergoes the process of grinding. The grinder for the College conducts his tuition in the same style as the grinder for the Hall—often they are united in the same individual, who perpetually has a vacancy for a resident pupil, although his house is already quite full; some- what resembling a carpet-bag, which was never yet known to be so crammed with articles, but you might put something in besides. The class is carried on similar to the one we have already quoted; but the knowledge required does not embrace the same multiformity of subjects; anatomy and surgery being the principal points. Our old friends are assembled to prepare for their last ex- amination, in a room fragrant with the amalgamated odors of stale tobacco-smoke, varnished bones, leaky preparations, and gin-and-water. Large anatomical prints depend from the walls, and a few vertebra?, a lower jaw, and a sphenoid bone, are scattered upon the table. "To return to the eye, gentlemen," says the grinder; "re- collect the Petitian Canal surrounds the cornea. Mr. Rapp, what am I talking about?" Mr. Rapp, who is drawing a little man out of dots and lines upon the margin of his " Quain's Anatomy," starts up and observes—"Something about the Paddington Canal running, round the corner, sir." "Now, Mr. Rapp, you must pay me a little more attention," expostulates the teacher. " What does the operation for cat- r.ract resemble in a familiar point of vieAv?" " Pushing a boat-hook through the wall of a house to pull back the drawing-room blinds," answers Mr. Rapp. "You are incorrigible," says the teacher, smiling at the simile, Avhich altogether is an apt one. "Did you ever see a case of bad cataract?" " Yes, sir, ever-so-long ago—the Cataract of the Ganges at Astley's. I went to the gallery, and had a mill with—" "There, we don't want particulars," interrupts the grinder; "but I would recommend you to mind your eyes, especially if you get under Guthrie. Mr. Muff, how do you define an ulcer !" " The establishment of a raw," replies Mr. Muff. "Tit! tit! tit!" continues the teacher with an expression of pity. "Mr. Simpson, perhaps you can tell Mr. Muff what an ulcer is?" -«-c-,..,-;—_ 50 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF "An abrasion of the cuticle produced by its OAvn absorp- tion," answers Mr. Simpson, all in a breath. " Well, I maintain its easier to say a raw than all that," ob- serves Mr. Muff. " Pray, silence. Mr. Manhug, have you ever been sent for to a bad incised wound ? " "Yes, sir, when I was an apprentice: a man using a chop- per cut off his hand." "And what did you do?" "Cut off myself for the governor, like a two-year old." "But now you have no governor, Avhat plan would you pursue in a similar case?" " Send for the nearest doctor—call him in." "Yes, yes, but suppose he wouldn't come?" " Call him out, sir." "Pshaw! you are all quite children," exclaims the teacher. "Mr. Simpson, of what is bone chemically composed ?" "Of earthy matter, or phosphate of lime, and animal mat- ter, or gelatine.'''' "Very good, Mr. Simpson. I suppose you don't know a great deal about bones, Mr. Rapp ?" "Not much, sir. I haven't been a great deal in that line. They give a penny for three pounds in Clare Market. That's what I call popular osteology." " Gelatine enters largely into the animal fibres," says the leader, gravely. "Parchment, or skin, contains an important quantity, and is used by cheap pastry-cooks to make jellies." " Well, I've heard of eating your tcords," says Mr. Rapp, "but never your deeds." "Oh! oh! oh!" groan the pupils at this gross appropria- tion, and the class getting very unruly is broken up. The examination at the College is altogether a more re- spectable ordeal than the jalap and rhubarb botheration at Apothecaries' Hall, and par consequence, Mr. Muff goes up one evening with little misgivings as-to his success. After undergoing four different sets of examiners, he is told he may retire, and is conducted by Mr. Belfour into " Paradise," the room appropriated to the fortunate ones, which the curious stranger may see lighted up every Friday evening as he passes through Lincoln's-Inn- Fields. The inquisitors are al- together a gentlemanly set of men, who are willing to help a student out of a scrape, rather than " catch question" him into one: nay, more than once the candidate has attributed his sue,- THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 51 cess to a whisper prompted by the kind heart of the venerable and highly-gifted individual—now, alas! no more—who until last year assisted at the examinations. Of course, the same kind of scene takes place that was enacted after going up to the Hall, and with the same results, except the police office, which they manage to avoid. The next day, as usual, they are again at the school, standing in- numerable pots, telling incalculable lies, and singing uncounted choruses, until the Scotch pupil, who is still grinding in the Museum, is forced to give over study, after having been squirted at through the keyhole five distinct times, with a reversed stomach-pump full of beer, and finally unkennelled. The lecturer upon chemistry, who has a private pupil in his laboratory learning how to discover arsenic in poisoned peo- ple's stomachs, where there is none, and make red, blue, and green fires, finds himself locked in, and is obliged to get out at the AvindoAv; whilst the professor of medicine, who is hold- ing forth, as usual, to a select very few, has his lecture upon intermittent fever so strangely interrupted by distant har- mony and convivial hullaballoo, that he finishes abruptly in a pet, to the great joy of his class. But Mr. Muff and his friends care not. They have passed all their troubles—they are regular medical men, and, for aught they care, the whole establishment may blow up, tumble down, go to blazes, or any thing else in a small Avay that may completely obliterate it. In another twelve hours they have departed to their homes, and are only spoken of in the reverence with Avhich Ave regard the ruins of a by-gone edifice, as bricks who were. Our task is finished. We have traced Mr. Muff, from the new man through the almost entomological stages of his be- ing, to his perfect state; and we take our farewell of him as the "general practitioner." In our Physiology we have en- deavored to sIioav the medical student as he actually exists— his reckless gayety, his Avild frolics, his open disposition. That he is careless and dissipated we admit, but these attrib- utes end with his pupilage; did they not do so spontaneously, the up-hill struggles and hardly-earned income of his laborious future career would, to use his own terms, " soon knock it all out of him;" although, in the after-waste of years, he looks back upon his student's revelries with an occasional return of 52 THE PHYSIoUM'Y OF old feelings, not unmixed, however, with a passing reflection upon the lamentable inefficacy of the present course of medi- cal education pursued at our schools and hospitals, to fit a man for future practice. We have endeavored in our sketches so to frame them, that the general reader might not be perplexed by technical or local allusions, Avhilst the students of London saw they_ were the Avork of one who had lived amongst them. And if in some places Ave have strayed from the strict boundaries of perfect refinement, yet we trust the delicacy of our most sensitive reader has received no Avound. We have discarded our joke rather than lose our propriety; and we have been pleased at knowing that in more than one family circle our Physiology has, noAV and then, raised a smile on the lips of the fair girls, Avhose brothers were following the same path we have trav- eled over at the hospitals. We hope Avith the new year to have once more the gratifi- cation of meeting our friends. Until then, with a hand offered in Avarm fellowship,—not only to those composing the class he once belonged to, but to all who have been pleased to bestow a few minutes weekly upon his chapters—the Medical Student takes his leave. XIII. A LETTER FROM AN OLD FRIEND, SHOWING HOW HE IS GET- TING ON. Clodpole, Dec. 23, 1841. My dear Punch, Here I am, you see, keeping Christinas, and having no end of fun amongst the jolly, innocent grubs that vegetate in these rural districts. All I regret is that you are not here. I Avould give a ten-pound note to see you, if I had it;—I would, indeed —so help me several strong men and a steam- engine! We had a great night in London before I started, only I got rascally screAved: not exactly seAved up, you know, but hit under the Aving, so that I could not very well fly. I man- aged to break the window on the third-floor landing of my THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 53 odgmgs, and let my water-jug fall slap through the wash- hand basin upon a looking-glass that was lying face upwards underneath; but as I was off earlv in the morning it did not signify. The people down here are a queer lot; but I have hunted up two or three jolly cocks, and we contrive to keep the place ahve between us. Of course, all the knockers came off the first night I arrived, and to-morrow we are going to climb out upon the roof of my abode, and make a tour along the tops of the neighboring houses, putting turfs on the tops of all prac- ticable chimneys. Jack Randall—such a jolly chick! you must be introduced to him—has promised to tie a cord across the pavement at the corner, from the lamp-post to a door-scraper; and we have made a careful estimate that, out of every half- dozen people who pass, six will fall doAvn, four cut their faces more or less arterially, and two contuse their foreheads. I, you may imagine, shall wait at home all the evening for the crippled ones, and Jack is to go halves in Avhat I get for plas- tering them up. We may be so lucky as to procure a case of concussion—who knows? Jack is a real friend: he cannot be of much use to me in the way of recommendation, because the people here think he is a little wild; but as far as seriously injuring the parishioners goes, he declares he will lose no chance. He says he knoAvs some gipsies on the common avIio have got scarlet-fever in their tent; and he is going to give them half-a-crown if they can bring it into the village, to be paid upon the breaking out of the first undoubted case. This will fag the Union doctor to death, who is my chief opponent, and I shall come in for some of the private patients. My surgery is not very well stocked at present, but I shall write to Ansell and Hawke after Christmas. I havre got a pickle-bottle full of liquorice-powder, Avhich has brought me in a good deal already, and assisted to perform several won- derful cures. I administer it in powder, two drachms in six, to be taken morning, noon, and night; and it appears to be a valuable medicine for young practitioners, as you may give a large dose, without producing any very serious effects. Some- body was insane enough to send to me the other night for a pill and draught; and if Jack Randall had not been there, I should have been regularly stumped, having nothing but Epsom salts. He cut a glorious calomel pill out of pipeclay, and then we concocted a black-draught of salts and bottled stout, Avith a little patent boot-polish. Next day, the patient finding him- 51 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF self worse, sent for me, and I am trying the exhibition of lin- seed-meal and rose-pink in small doses, under which treatment he is gradually recovering. It has since struck me that a minute portion of sulphuric acid enters into the composition of the polish, possibly causing the indisposition which he de- scribes " as if he was" tied all up in a double-knot, and pulled 1 have had one case of fracture in the leg of Mrs. Pinkey's Italian greyhound, which Jack threw a flower-pot at in the dark the other night. I tied it up in two splints cut out of a clothes-peg in a manner which I stated to be the most popular at the Hotel Dieu at Paris; and the old girl was so pleased that she asked me to keep Christmas-day at her house, where she burns the Yule log, makes a bowl of wassail, and all man- ner of games. We are going to bore a hole in the Yule log Avith an old trephine, and ram it chuck full of gun-powder; and Jack's little brother is to catch six or seven frogs, under pain of a severe licking, which are to be put into one of the vegetable dishes. The old girl has her two nieces home for the holidays—devilish handsome, larky girls—so we have de- termined to take some mistletoe, and give a practical demon- stration of the action of the orbiculares oris and levatores labial superior is et infer ioris. If either of them have got any tin, I shall try and get all right with them; but if the brads don't flourish I shall leave it alone, for a wife is just the worst piece of furniture a fellow can bring into his house, especially if he inclines to conviviality; although to be sure a medical man ought to consider her as part of his stock in trade, to be taken at a fair valuation amidst his stopple-bottles, mortars, measures, and pill-rollers. If business does not tumble in well, in the course of a few Aveeks, we have another plan in view; but I only wish to re- sort to it on emergency, in case Ave should be found out. The railway passes at the bottom of my garden, and Jack thinks, Avith a feAV pieces of board, he can contrive to run the engine and tender off the line, which is upon a tolerably high em- bankment. I need not tell you all this is in strict confidence; and if the plan does not jib, Avhich is not very probable, will bring lots of grist to the mill. I have put the engineer and stoker at a sure guinea a head for the inquest; and the con- cussions in the second class will be of unknown value. If practicable, I mean to have an elderly gentleman " who must THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 55 not be moved under any consideration;" so I shall get him in- to my house for the term of his indisposition, which may pos- sibly be a very long one. I can give him up my own bed- room, and sleep myself in an old harpsichord, which I bought cheap at a sale, and disembowelled into a species of deceptive bed. I think the hint might put "people about to marry" up to a dodge in the way of spare beds. Everybody now sees through the old chiffonier and wardrobe turn-up impositions, but the grand piano would beat them; only it should be kept locked, for fear any one given to harmony might commence playing a fantasia on the bolster. Our parishioners haAre very little idea of the Cider-cellars and Coal-hole, both of which places they take in their literal sense. I think that, Avith Jack's assistance, Ave can establish something of the kind at the Swan, which is the principal inn. Should it not succeed, I shall turn my attention to getting up a literary and scientific institution, and give a lecture. I have not yet settled on what subject, but Jack votes for Astron- omy, for two reasons; firstly, because the room is dark nearly all the time; and secondly, because you can snug in some pots of half-and-half behind the transparent orrery. He says the dissolving views in London put him up to the value of a dark exhibition. We also think we can manage a concert, Avhich will be sure of a good attendance if avo say it is for some par- ish charity. Jack has volunteered a solo on the cornet-a-pis- ton; he has never tried the instrument, but he says he is sure he can play it, as it looks remarkably easy hanging up in the windoAVS of the music-shops. He thinks one might drill the children and get up the Macbeth music. It is turning A7ery cold to-night, and I think will turn to a frost. Jack has throAvn some water on the pavement before my door; and should it freeze, I have given strict orders to my old housekeeper not to strew any ashes, or sand, or saw- dust, or any similar rubbish about. People's bones are very brittle in frosty weather, and this may bring a job. I hope it will. If, in your London rambles, as you seem to be everywhere at once, you pitch upon Manhug, Rapp, or Jones, give my love to them, and tell them to keep their powder dry, and not to think of practicing in the country, Avhich is after all a species of social suicide. And with the best compliments of the season to yourself, and " through the medium of the 56 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF columns of your valuable journal" to your readers, believe me to remain, My dear old beau, yours very considerably, Joseph Muff. XIV. A PEAV LINES FROM AIR. JOSEPH MUFF. Clodpole, Feb. 20, 1842. My Dear Old Punch, It is now tAvo months since Hast wrote to you, so I thought you would not object to see what I have been about. Iknow you take an interest in all my proceedings. I got my surgery a little into order soon after Christmas, and "hung up a lamp at my door; such a stunner—with red and blue shades, and a pestle and mortar on the top. The very first evening I put it up, Jack Randall took it down again, and carried it on to the railroad, where it stopped the down mail-train, the engineer mistaking the red bull's-eye for the signal at the station. Jack's a splendid chick, but a little too larky. He fills my leech jar with tadpoles and water-efts; and the fellows he brings to see me have Avalked into all my Spanish liquorice and Confection of Roses. He likewise never passes my house, as he comes home late from a party, but he pulls the night bell almost clean aAvay, and when I put my head out of the front second floor to know what's the matter, expect- ing nothing short of a guinea case, he sings out " Lur-li-e-ty," and asks if I have got any beer in the house. I am, however, obliged to put up with this, for he is a prime chap at heart, and will do anything for me. He quite lived on the ice dur- ing the frost, tripping everybody up he could come near; and whether he injured them seriously or not, I know the will Avas good, and Avas therefore much obliged to him. Of course, at present, my patients are rather select than numerous, but I think the red* lamp and brass-plate may en- tice a few. I had a glorious case of dislocation of the shoul- der last week, and nearly pulled the fellow in half, with the assistance of tAvo or three bricklayers who were building next door, and a couple of jack-towels. I have not been paid for THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 57 it; but the best of the matter is, the other doctor tried first and couldn't reduce it, because he had no bricklayers at hand. This has got my name up rather. I see a correspondent of yours, L. S. B. Bart., has been very irritated at my calling the country people grubs. What would he have me to term them ? I'm sure he is a tolerably fair specimen of the class. They are terrible Goths down here. Not one in twenty can read or Avrite; and so all iny dispensing labels which I tie on the bottles are quite throAvn aAvay. A small female toddled into the surgery the other day and horrified me by drawling out— "If you please, sir, mother's took the lotion, and rubbed her leg a\ ith the mixture!" This might have been serious, for the lotion contained a trifle of poison; but Jack and I started off directly; and as it happened very luckily to be washing- day, we drenched the stupid woman with soapsuds and pearl- ash, until everything was thrown off the stomach, including, 1 expect, a quantity of the lining membrane. This taught me a lesson that a medical man should always have the instruments in order; for, if Jack had not borrowed my stomach-pump to squirt at the cats with, a good deal of bother might have been avoided. As soon as I can get a little settled, you shall hear from me again. In the mean time, believe me, Yours rather much than otherwise, Joseph Muff. CURIOSITIES OF MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. i. Since our last despatches received overland from Clod pole, and bearing date March 2, 1842, we learn that our old friend Mr. Joseph Muff has at length got his surgery tolerably in order. The majority of the bottles and jars literally contain what they profess by their labels; Ave may except the one inscribed Aqua Distill., which is filled Avith Hodges' best. A carboy ticketed Syrup. Papav. yields some very fine home- brewed ale upon drawing the cork; and, as the surgery is cooler than the parlor closet, he keeps his fresh butter in the jar assigned to Ceratum cetacei. He has moreover, invested twelve shillings in six dozen phials, a gross of corks, two quires of outside demy, and a ball of red string. In fact, he wants nothing now but patients. As he has nothing to do, he has taken Jack Randall to live Avith him as an assistant, and finds him very useful in dispell- ing the ennui naturally attendant upon Avaiting for practice, by his diverting and eccentric flights of hilarity. His inven- tive genius has procured Mr. Muff the best haul of victims he has had since he commenced business. He crawled out of his garret window along the gutter to the roof of the adjoining house a feAv evenings ago, and tied down the ball of the cistern with some packthread, in consequence of which the water over- flowed in the night and percolated all the ceilings of the upper rooms, providentially dripping exactly over the beds of some of the inmates. This has given rise to one intermittent fever, and three capital cases of rheumatism, Avhich he is in hopes may eventually prove chronic. He is at present hard at work en- deavoring to introduce the ringworm into Miss Trimkid's preparatory school, through the medium of the day-scholars. Jack was apprenticed for two years to a surgeon who failed, [38] CURIOSITIES OF MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. 59 and subsequently emigrated to Port Adelaide, so that be knoAvs a little of his profession, and is moreover exceedingly anxious to improve himself, readily undertaking all operations that chance throws in his way. He is represented as particu- larly clever at keeping people awake Avho have taken lauda- num; which he accomplishes by inserting needles under their finger-nails, and bloAving grains of cayenne pepper up their nostrils through a quill. It struck Mr. Muff that his friend produced lockjaw in one case by these means; but as the patient died " from the effects of the opium," the slight error was never discovered. He succeeds, perhaps, best in tooth- draAving. The great power of his wrist enables him to extract anything; and Avhether the jaw breaks or is dislocated, the sufferer is certain to be relieved from his torture. He care- fully saves all the carious teeth he extracts, and is preparing a curious arabesque of decayed molars and eye-teeth upon black velvet Avhereon he is going to frame the intimation, "Charges regulated according to circumstances.''' Our two friends employ their leisure hours, Avhich amount to twenty-three and a half out of tAventy-four, in smoking birdseye and telling various anecdotes connected Avith their past career. As these legends furnish much valuable informa- tion relatiA'e to the state of existing medical concerns, Ave hive, by some reason of our intimacy with Mr. Muff, procured notes of their conversations. These we intend to present Aveekly, until our readers are tired of them or our file is ex- hausted. We shall adopt the narrative style, and avail our- selves of such illustrations as may tend to throAV additional in- terest over our sketches. And taking an old friend by the hand, Ave begin by a faint attempt to describe MR. RAPP'S FAREWELL FEAST. Next to imprisonment for debt there are few positions in life more cheerfully exhilarating than that of house-surgeon to a hospital; especially if it be one where "accidents are re- ceived night and day without letters of recommendation." Constantly surrounded by scenes of the most pleasant and mirth-inspiring description; breathing the purest atmosphere in the Avorld; revelling at lunch upon hospital cheese, which is a relish apparently prepared, with the nicest culinary art, from bees-wax, yellow soap, and doubtful eggs; faring sump- 60 CURIOSITIES OF tuously Avithal every day at the board-room dinner-table, m company Avith the matron, house-apothecary, secretary, and other choice spirits, who delight in the sunshine of humor or wit; and never depressed by the Avearisome monotony of lying in bed all night long, his existence is, indeed, enviable. So thought Mr. Rapp; who having been house-surgeon to the St. Tourniquet's Hospital for one year, evinced his gratitude at the close of his duties, by inviting some of his friends to an extensive spread. Medical students are not in the habit of refusing invitations (more especially, if there is a faint hope thrown out of unlimited half-and-half, inexhaustible tobacco- jars, or uncounted pipes), and accordingly some sixteen or eighteen accepted, including the majority of our old acquain- tances. The immortal Muff himself left all his patients to his " assistant," and, having locked up the croton oil and prussic acid for fear of accidents, and provided Randall with a quart of black draught and a screw of parochial pills, came up from Clodpole by an evening train. Mr. Manhug and Mr. Jones did not wait to be asked, but sent word to say that they meant to come. Mr. Newcome, the last new pupil, Avrote the following note in reply:— " Mr. Newcome presents his compliments to Mr. Rapp, and Avill have much pleasure in accepting his polite invitation, but hopes it will not be a late party, as he is anxious to folloAV up the sober and temperate course recommended by Vincent Priessnitz." And the other visitors having heard it reported that there Avas to be no end of rumpsteaks and oyster-sauce, Avent with- out their dinners, to the great astonishment of the proprietor of the Rupert Street Dining-rooms; and as soon as the four o'clock lecture was over, and the professor evaporated, played with their subscription skittles in the dissecting-room until it Avas quite dark, when they adjourned to the house-surgeon's parlor, where the company was expected to assemble. Most rooms appropriated by the kindness of hospital gov- ernors to house-surgeons, are very much alike; Ave may say (for the benefit of those Avho have passed their Latin), ex uno disce omnes. The apartment has an odor of tobacco, the fur- niture is fashionable, inasmuch as it is remarkably old, and the paper is of that elaborate pattern, Avhich you see stamped before your eyes in the windoAv of a shop in St. Giles, and afterAvards labelled "three farthings;" additionally orna- mented on each side of the fire-place by legends, inscriptions. MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. 61 and diverting diagrams, in pencil. When any house-surgeon of former times possessed a diamond ring, which appears to have been by no means a common occurrence, he signed his name therewith amongst the archives of the window panes; if he were not addicted to jewelry, he simply cut his initials upon the panels of the shutters with a scalpel. Aged men with grey hair, who have been attached as messengers to the hospital for the last sixty years, speak vaguely of persons coming to whitewash the ceiling, and paint the wainscoat when they were boys; but these traditions are ascribed more to the garrulity of age than the remembrance of such a pro- ceeding having actually occurred. II. mr. rapp's farewell peast.—(Co?itinued.) Nine o'clock was the time named for supper; and, unlike the false appointments of worldly society, as the hospital clock chimed that hour, every man had assembled. The ap- pearance of the room was most imposing. The long table had been brought up from the board-room, and was lighted by four mould-candles, inserted respectively in a plated, brass, japanned, and flat tin candlestick, whilst an elegant epergne graced the centre of the table, formed by a round galvanic battery full of celery. The whole derived additional beauty from the circumstance of no two articles of glass or crockery being alike; whilst before the gentleman upon whom the task devolved of carving the six baked fowls was placed a double- edged catlin and a metacarpal saw—the technical names of two instruments which would be of great service in the event of the poultry turning out tough or ligamentous. The old skeleton, that generally hung doAvn with a balance-weight from the roof of the theatre, was also brought up and placed in a classical attitude on the small table behind the "vice;" and the base of a skull, presumed to be the same from which all the house-surgeons ever since the dark ages ground up the foramina, formed an appropriate and professional tobacco- box, proving that medical students, in their most idle mo- ments, never lose sight of their studiea 62 CURIOSITIES of We will not describe the actual feeding. It will simply be necessary to state that* the dissections of the glutei bovis (vulgo rump-steaks) were carried on with praiseworthy appli- cation, and that the fowls Avere speedily converted into ana- tomical preparations. The guests evinced indefatigable per- severance in perpetually taking Avine with each other; and Coke, the porter, Avho Avaited, showed his knowledge of his business, by continually walking round the table, filling every glass he saw empty with half-and-half, from a can which somewhat resembled a tAvo-gallon water-pot without a spout. At length, Avhen the appetites were appeased and the things removed, the real business of the evening commenced. " Gentlemen," said Mr. Rapp, " I have the pleasure of in- forming you that there is nothing in the wards over our head but broken arms and convalescent dislocations; you can there- fore kick up as much row as you please. I beg to propose 'The Queen, Prince Albert, the Prince of Wales, the Princess Royal, and the rest of the Royal Family.' As none of them are here to return thanks, pass the wine, Manhug, and sing a song." The toast being first greeted Avith musical honors, which in- timated that the Queen was " a jolly good fellow," strength- ened by the affirmation that all of them said so, Mr. Manhug proceeded to sing, tucking his thumbs into the arm-holes of his waistcoat, balancing himself on the hind-legs of his chair, clearing the trachea of some imaginary obstacle, and looking rather vicious at a crack in the ceiling. MR. MANHUG'S SONG.—An Assistant Wanted. Wanted a gentleman fitted to fill The post of assistant Avith competent skill To a country practitioner highly genteel, With a Union of paupers to physic and heal, Where against all petitions his heart he must steel, Nor ever presume their distresses to feel, For a medical man should be always genteel,— So extraordinarily genteel. He's expected to know all the different branches Into Avhich proper medical science now launches; He must bleed Avith precision, ne'er missing a vein, And draw double teeth without fracture or pain. The parish is small—ten miles by sixteen— With some commons and gravel-pits scattered between: medical experience. 63 And, respecting the cases—to state 'tis perhaps right, That they always occur in the dead' of the night. Wanted a gentleman, &c. The Pharmacopoeia by heart he must know, And ne'er seem reluctant—when sent for—to go; He must learn to write labels in different styles, And Avash all the bottles—flats, mixtures, and phials. If well educated he chances to be, He may come in the parlor to dinner and tea; But when the meal's over, must put by his chair, And back to the surgery counter repair. Wanted a gentleman, &c. These are the principal matters—au reste— He must always appear comme-U-faut and well-dressed; And, since with much practice his mind Avil! be stored, The salary offer'd is—lodging and board. Wanted a gentleman, fitted to fill The tooth of a patient, with gold leaf and skill, Who can walk like a postman, nor ever feel ill, Nor beyond seven minutes expect to sit still, But always be making draught, mixture or pill, And post every ledger, and write every bill, And sleep in a garret, small, dreary, and chill, And succumb to a country practitioner's will, Who is most particularly genteel. "That's all, gentlemen," said Mr. Manhug, thinking it Avas time for the applause to begin, as he made an inclination of his head, intended half for a bow to his auditors, and half to bring his head into his wine-glass—it being a fixed rule at all convivial parties, that a person, having sung, should imme- diately on the conclusion of his indiscretion make a pretense of drinking, which implies that there is no more to come. This is a wholesome practice, as nothing is more awkward than to thank one for a song, when only tAvo out of the five verses have been got through. Mr. Manhug's lyrical attempt was applauded to a degree which caused a short divertisement of candlesticks and tum- blers, and woke seven patients in the next ward. The senti- ment which folloAved was an expression of regret that the earthquake did not take place immediately under Apothe- caries' Hall on an examination night; and then the chair- man, after the manner of a gentleman aat1io does the bass be- fore the looking-glass at Evan's, knocked on the table, and 64 CURIOSITIES OF said, "Gentlemen, I have to call your attention to a song from Mr. Jones." Mr. Jones readily complied, and somewhat pluming himself on his voice, commenced informing the company that the glasses sparkled on the board ("room-table," added sotto voce by Mr. Rapp), and that the reign of pleasurehad begun —finishing by a threat to drown some imaginary intruder in a bowl if he dared to make his appearance. The great point of the song was the execution of the " bowl." The nearest idea we can give the reader of its deliverance is to beg he Avill separate the word in bo and ole, and put three distinct o's between them, each one lower than the other, until the last appeared to emanate from some organized ophicleide fixed in the pit of the stomach. The song appeared very popular and admitted of a general chorus, which swelled as it proceeded, until one of the night-nurses put her head into the door, and mildly hinted that the sciatica case in No. 12 did not appear to enter equally into the hilarity of the song, but was lying awake, and grumbling; at which Mr. Rapp felt ex- ceedingly indignant, having imagined that he had perfectly provided against any such occurrence, by administering an ex- tra ten minims of Tr. Spir. in the night draught of No. 12. By degrees the company attained a high state of convivial- ity. Mr. Jones did the "cats," and imitated Macreadv; Mr. Manhug sawed the piece of wood; and Mr. Muff sang an ex- tempore song, which sent the new man into a state ol aston- ished paralysis, and very much amused everybody else This was the style of MR. MUFFS EXTEMPORE. Air.—" There is nae luck about the house." The gent who sits upon my left Hath stock around his throat, His trousers they are black, and the Same color is his coat. He weareth broach, but if I have On breeding good encroached I'm really very sorry that I have the subject broached. Tol lol de lol, tol liddle lol, &c. There is a gent I now behold A drinking of his wine, He is a regular jolly cove medical experience. 65 And that—that—(I beg your pardon gentlemen)— {Cries of " Try back," '-Never mind, old fellow," "Co aliead," &c.) He is a regular jolly cove And—('pon my word I'm hard up)— And is a friend of mine. Loud choi'us of charitable students. Tol lol de lol, tol liddle lol, &c. "Bravo! Muff; famous! capital! you never did it better," resounded from various mouths as our friend concluded. "Noav, Mr. Newcome, what's your opinion of the ancient Greeks ?" said Manhug briskly. Mr. NeAVCome started as if he was shot, and replied, "Upon my word, Mr. Manhug, I hardly know. I've never thought about them." " Well, then, sing a song." Mr. Newcome blushed exceedingly, and said he really would if he could, but he never knew one, or else he should be most happy. "Oh, humbug!" continued Manhug: "come fire away; some- thing mentisental, if you don't know a comic one." After intense confusion, Mr. Newcome was prevailed upon to murmur "Gaily the troubadour;" which was rendered ad- ditionally amusing by Mr. Muff ahvays shouting "Singing from Palestine" everywhere but in the right place. " There, that'll do, Newcome," cried Mr. Jones, who Avas evidently a little hazy, at the end of the second verse. "We know all the rest; it's as stale as a Monday bun, and much more filling at the price." Thus burked, Mr. Newcome relapsed into silence, and after several more songs and pleasantries, Mr. Rapp voted an ad- journment to Evans's in several cabs. Who went with him, and how they fared, remains to be told in the next number. III. THE DESTINIES OF MR. RAPP's GUESTS. Regular dramatists, in Avriting plays, appear to bear in view the various adventures of certain narties, who are separ- 5 66 CURIOSITIES OF ated during the progress of the plot, and eventually brought together again at the conclusion. So must Ave frame the present section of our experiences; for as all the visitors did not adopt the same course, it will be necessary to follow each party singly. "Gentlemen, "said Mr. Rapp, with rather indistinct declama- tion, "the day is gone—the night's our own, and bright are the beams of the morning sky; so Avho'll have some punch ? and then we'll be off. Mr. Jones will first give his imitation of the cornet-dpistons, and play something from ' Norma' with the chill off. Order!" This command was accompanied by so sharp a rap on the table with the hammer, that it made a large dent and broke the handle. The shock restored a temporary silence with all except Mr. Newcome, who was found, upon Mr. Manhug's endeavoring to ascertain the source of certain plaintive wait- ings which he heard, seated under the table, and singing, "The brave old oak," in a most melancholy key, crying be- tween the verses, but apparently with the idea that he was contributing in an important manner to the conviviality. Not heeding him, Mr. Jones twisted a piece of paper round a pocket-comb, and gave the desired imitation, which was a kind of variation of the duet, " Yes, we together will live, will die," merging by a very clever graduation into "Nix my Dolly;" upon the introduction of which popular air all the party who were capable to do so rose from their seats, and stamped and twirled about the room, after the most approved manner of Mr. Paul Bedford, until the night-nurse again made her appearance. But just as she was about to speak, Mr. Muff threw a fifteen-shilling pea-coat at her, which re- pelled her into the passage, and she was never seen again. On the proposal of the adjournment to Evans's being re- peated, the party rose, and with some difficulty routed out their own Chesterfields and hats, which last were more or less contused from the superincumbent wrappers. Then, having corked Mr. NewcOme's face, laid him on Mr. Rapp's bed, and hid the looking-glass, they turned out into the open air. "Cab, sir?" cried the leader of the nearest stand to the hospital, as he saAV our friends approach. "How many can you take, old fireworks?" asked Mr. Rapp. " Many as you like, sir. Regler ingey-rubber cab mine is —stretch to anythinkl" MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. 61 Whereupon four gentlemen immediately rushed inside, put up the windows, and began to smoke; Mr. Muff climbed on to the box, by the driver, with one of the dressers, whose name was Tanks; and Mr. Manhug persisted in riding upon the back, until finding the spikes made rather an uneasy seat, he scaled the roof, and seated himself upon it. Messrs. Rapp and Jones said they Avould A\ralk to Knight's for some oysters, and join them afterwards; and the others went home, did worse or talked about setting off to walk to Hampstead for some country air. "Where Avould you like to go, gentlem'n?" asked the driver, having reached the box by the succession of violent efforts peculiar to cabmen. "Hold your row," politely interposed Mr. Manhug; "Go to Evans's and look sharp about it." Their progress Avas not very rapid, for the horses in night- cabs are not over-brilliant; but at length the vehicle stopped at the end of the Piazza in Covent Garden, and disgorged its contents. Rather a fierce argument ensued respecting the fare, which Mr. Manhug offered to toss the cabman for first, and fight him afterwards; but it was at length amicably ad- justed, and the party descended to the tavern. Elbowing their Avay through the guests, they pushed up to the top of the room, folloAved by one of the Avaiters. "Pray order, gentlemen!" cried the chairman, as they ad- justed themselves Avith some little noise. " Well, we're doing it as fast as Ave can," replied Mr. Man- bug, giving directions; "I declare I've got perfectly peckish again." The room was very full of company, and the various char- acteristics of the guests would have afforded much amusement to a quiet observer. A large proportion of them Avere evi- dently visitors from the country, Avho thought going to the theatre and Evans's afterwards was "the thing." At the end of the room, a tall gentleman in a white Taglioni, large whis- kers, and an overpowering shawl-scarf adorned with some gold posts-and-chains, having ascertained that everybody Avas looking at him, shook hands patronizingly Avith the singers, which proceeding he made sure stamped him a man about tOAvn, and the star of the assembly. Lower down, four "gents," (there is no mistaking the appellation) in cut-away coats and fierce stocks, were attempting the aristocratic, in which they might possibly have succeeded had their hands 68 CURIOSITIES OF been less coarse, and their finger-nails less dubby ; and in the alcove of one of the Avindows was another visitor, who, after various "goes" of grog, was half asleep, and half lost in ap- parent and unchanging admiration of some cigar-ashes that lay on the table before him. "Herr Von Joel will oblige us with a song, gentlemen," cried the chairman. "Bravo, Joel!" cried Mr. Muff, from the end of the room; " fire away, old boy. Lully-lully-lully-lully-liety! " A sharp rap from the chairman's hammer cut short our friend's falsetto imitation, and the good-humored German, who was at a table in the centre, began his own version of "The Swiss Boy." But here Mr. Muff's unhappy propensity to assist in social melody once more became apparent; and after singing the choruses Avith his customary exuberance of voice and style, he broke out in the middle of one of the verses, using his own dialect as he had picked it up by ear—■ "To shlinga'ang, to shlungalong, for blatz a dun aloy Steh ner ofe, steh ner ofe---." "Order, sir!" cried the proprietor. "We cannot have the harmony of the room disturbed by one party." " I beg to say I was contributing to the harmony," replied Mr. Muff. It seemed that other persons entertained a different opinion, for the song stopped, and the attention of the room was im- mediately drawn towards the cause of the interruption. But our friend's steam was Avell up; and, nothing abashed, he rose gravely from his chair, and spoke as follows:— "Mr. Evans, gentlemen, and Avaiters." "Sit doAvn, Muff, and don't be an ass," gently observed Mr. Manhug. " I shan't. I came here to enjoy conviviality, and I mean to do it. Mr. Evans, I repeat, and gentlemen," he continued gravely, "I ask you, is it possible to discuss a roast potato, or enjoy a song, with such a small piece of butter as one of your waiters has brought me? Look here, sir!" And hereupon he exhibited on his fork a pat about the size and thickness of a crown. "I am very sorry it does not meet your approbation, sir," said Evans, half angry, half smiling; "you had better speak to the Avaiter." MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. 69 "I have spoken to the Avaiter, Mr. Evans," replied Muff with emphasis; "and he told me, although small in size, yet its flavor Avas most delicate, which caused it to go twice as far as pats in ordinary." " I must beg of you to be silent, sir, and sit down," said th«j proprietor. " You are disturbing the company." " The company may go----" What he was about to say Avas never known, for Mr. Man- hug interrupted the speech, by pulling the speaker forcibly down into his chair, in which proceeding he knocked over one of the pewter vases of hot Avater, Avhich deluged the table, and slightly scalded the knees of two nice young gentlemen, with very clean exuberant collars and no whiskers, who were sit- ting on the other side, and trying to smoke cigars, Avithout looking poorly. Possibly there would have been a riot; but Manhug apologized as well as he was able, and a comic song commenced immediately, in which an Irishman Avas made to bless the Lord Mayor, and offer a wish " that his red nose might never set fire to the powder in his Avig and blow his brains out." By the conclusion, Mr. Muff's equanimity Avas completely restored, but Mr. Manhug fearing he would plunge into more alcoholic beverage if he staid—having already imbibed quite enough—ventured to persuade him to depart, in which he at length succeeded. But, before going, he in- sisted upon giving each of the vocalists his card, as Avell as an invitation to come and stay a fortnight with him at Clodpole Avhen the shooting season came on, or indeed Avhenever, and for as long as they liked; and he also shook hands affectionately with Evans, and hoped he was not offended, as Avhat he said was this, that he never meant to insult anybody, but would be happy to see him at breakfast the next morning, and begged he would say what he would like to have. Then, favoring the company present with a slight extemporary solo variation of his own, upon a theme furnished by the last song, he accompanied Manhug to the door, the other students remaining behind. A slight altercation arose upon payment, Mr. Muff protesting against his friend's paying ten pence for two poached eggs, which he affirmed was sevenpence clear profit, and which he was about to turn back and expostulate Avith Evans upon, if Manhug had not coaxed and overruled him. But having, at last, relieved his indignation, by recom- mending the waiter to study the "Ready Reckoner" in 70 CURIOSITIES OF Punch's Almanack, he blundered upstairs to the Piazza, where they met Rapp and Jones, just on the point of descending. IV. the destinies of mr. rapp's guests.—(Continued.) Lounging out of Evans's, the first proceeding of the quar- tette was to form a council under the Piazza to consider what should be done next; and here, as is usual in the deliberations of medical students, much confusion prevailed. Mr. Manhug proposed an adjournment to his lodgings, where "they could light a fire and have some more grog." Mr. Rapp voted for going to a ball at the LoAvther Rooms, having ascertained, from an imposing gas star in King William street, that such a festivity was being perpetrated. Mr. Jones appeared in- clined to follow the first proposal; and Mr. Muff, whose ex- citement was considerably increased by coming out into the fresh air, leant back against one of the columns and said " he wasn't going to put up with humbug from anybody; and that if they intended to insult him, or break friends, they would find themselves in the wrong box." " Well, come along then, old fellow," said Mr. Rapp, per- suasively. " I shan't come along," AAras the firm response. " Then stay where you are," rejoined Mr. Rapp. "I shall do just as I please," answered Mr. Muff, gravely. " If I like to go to sleep amongst the turnip-tops in the mar- ket, I shall do it." "Nobody Avants to hinder you," said Mr. Manhug; and knowing their friend's obstinacy was rather peculiar, when he was at ail elevated, the other three walked off, leaving Mr. Muff gazing at a gas lamp: his condition being not inaptly described by the inscription over the door of the tavern— "Evans's late Joys;" which was equally applicable to the by- gone pleasures and the time of night. Leaving him for a Avhile to his meditations, we will follow his three companions. By Mr. Manhug's persuasion they de- cided upon going to his lodgings in Alfred-street, Bedford- MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. 71 square: and accordingly proceeded in that direction, varying the usual route by going through the Rookery, where Mr! Jones informed them they would see some life. For the benefit of the upper classes, Ave may state that "the Rookery " is the name applied to a portion of St. Giles's which may be comprised in an irregular quadrangle, bounded by Great Russel-street, Tottenham Court Road,"lIigh-street, and a small thoroughfare whose name Ave know not, doAvn which the unsleeping eye of Grimstone never ceases to Avatch from the snuff-manufactory. Ladies and gentlemen who visit Meux's Brewery, to see the vats, partake of stout and biscuits, and occasionally break their necks, or tumble into the malt bins, may obtain a glimpse of the Rookery from some of the upper Avindows of that establishment. They Avill discover some narrow dirty streets, into Avhich the scavenger's cart has apparently never penetrated, choked up Avith rubbish of every description, amidst which, a tribe of ragged infants are tumb- ling about, so intimately assimilated to it, that the unpracticed eye at first mistakes them for animated dirt heaps. Tattered articles of wearing apparel are displayed on poles, here and there projecting from the windows, deluded into the belief that they have been washed; and if a A'iew could be gained of the interiors, similar things, patched and ragged, might be discovered upon lines stretched across the apartment; but for this purpose the casements must be opened, as the greater part of its panes have brown paper and pieces of board substi- tuted for glass. No animals, except the aborigines, are seen in the streets; nor is there a single bird-cage hung out from any of the houses; for the inhabitants are so miserably poor that they can scarcely keep themselves. A ragged hen from Tottenham Court Road once misguidedly ventured Avithin the precincts of the Rookery, and Avas immediately massacred by the natives in a savage and blood-thirsty manner; since Avhich time poul- try has been considered as an apocryphal genus in the dis- trict. As evening approaches, dull lights gleam from each of the AvindoAvs, and a feAV gaunt cats, Avith grizzled coats and hungry eyes, occasionally make their appearance, darting like spectres past the startled passenger Avho has dared to invade this Avretched spot; Avhilst one or two dead rats lying in the road, crushed and mangled, prove that they are some- times found by chance in the houses; but even this is a rare 72 curiosities of occurrence, for the very vermin would starve, in such a lo- cality. Not until after nightfall does the vitality of the Rookery spring into full action. Many of its inhabitants, who live perpetually in dark cellars, are distressed, like bats and owls, with the daylight; many more dare not face it. It is then that a feAv wretched females, shoeless and unbonneted,—their matted hair twisted carelessly round their heads, and a coarse, dirty shaAvl hugged over their shoulders,—emerge into the nearest thoroughfare, in the hope of gaining a half-quartern from some idle frequenter of the gin-shops. Squalid children also creep out, in search of what they may purloin— children who never knew what childhood Avas, but who greAv up at once from the baby to the adult, cunning and preco- cious. " Now, my ancients," said Mr. Jones, as they turned out of Broad-street, " button your coats, and put your handkerchiefs in your hats." " I attended my first case somewhere about here," observed Mr. Rapp, " and didn't exactly know what to do; so I stood some whiskey to the lot, and can't help thinking that we all got exceedingly drunk." "And what became of your patient ?" inquired Mr. Man- hug. "Oh, I followed the advice of a celebrated professor, and left everything to nature. That's my general plan in all cases that I don't clearly understand." Which assertion, not being at all doubted, provoked no re- ply; the other two merely thinking Avhat a very active partner nature must have proved in Mr. Rapp's practice. They had not proceeded a great way, when a terrific riot in a house on their right attracted their attention. As the por- tal was open, (there being no door, in common with the other mansions), Mr. Rapp plunged into the passage, expressing his admiration of a " jolly shindy" of any kind, and Avas of course followed by the two others. As they entered the back parlor, from which spot the popular indignation burst, a curious scene presented itself. The miserable chamber was packed full of Irish,—all screaming and shouting at the top of their voices; and in the thickest part of the throng, various quart pots were observable, with arms attached to them, wheeling round in eccentric figures before they descended on the heads of unseen individuals. Several ladies were stationed MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. 73 on boxes and other articles of furniture round the room, gazing at the melee, like spectators at a tournament,whom they perhaps resembled, from the extreme antiquity of their costumes; and it was pleasing to see them encouraging their professed cham- pions with their voices, or occasionally throwing a guerdon of their affections, in the shape of a flat iron or broken candle- stick, into the lists; not Avith any avowed aim, but feeling sure, like a cockney Avith his eyes shut, that something must be hit out of the lot. "What's the row?" inquired Mr. Rapp of a gentleman next to him, in a livery of blue blanket, turned up with dirt and whitewash. " Vot's the hods ?" Avas the reply; " are you crushers in dis- guise ?" Not deigning to reply, Mr. Rapp, by dint of extreme muscular exertion, elbowed his way into the centre of the combatants, Messrs. Manhug and Jones being " the creatures Avho followed in his lee." " OoraAV for the svells!" cried one of the insurgents, as he tried to bonnet Mr. Rapp, smashing in his gossamer like a strawberry-pottle; Avhereupon that gentleman put hisfiexores digitorum into a state of extreme contraction, and, by the sud- den extension of the elboAv-joint and fore-arm, dealt a violent blow on the face of his aggressor, which eATentually ruptured a small branch of one of the vessels which accompany the first pair, or olfactory nerves. This was the signal for a general change in the attack; and it Avould have been an aAvkAvard affair for our friends, had not a policeman providentially appeared at the door. Beating the mob away Avith his staff, he immediately pounced upon Mr. Rapp, who was throwing his fists about inAvild con- volutions, something like a dislocated windmill, hitting Avho- ever came first. " Who are you?" cried the ex-house-surgeon, as he found himself seized. " I'll pretty soon shoAV you avIio I am," returned the police- man: "come out of that and let's see what sort of a story you'll tell the inspector." Forcing his way to the door, he pulled Mr. Rapp after him; and Avith the other two at his side, they gained the street—the policeman looking about him for a companion, in the wistful manner which these functionaries assume Avhen one man wishes to take three into custody. 74 CURIOSITIES OF Those conversant Avith street-rows must be aware of the supernatural manner in Avhich policemen appear at any emeute. Nobody sees them approach, and yet there they always are, as if they came up traps in the pavement, or dropped down from the skies. We should incline to the latter opinion, only Ave never saw them on the wing. In another minute an additional member of the F division marched round the corner ; and as the first turned to sum- mons him, Mr. Rapp took advantage of the circumstance, and with a sudden spring jerked himself from the clutch of his detainer. " Cut like bricks, and bilk the jug," he cried, in one of those speeches Avhich bother the French authors so much when they try to translate our Avorks. In an instant the three were off, Avhilst the policemen started after them. "The street—splits—into—three—at the top," gasped Mr. Rapp, as they darted along the centre of the road. " I'll take—the—middle one—Jones, right—Manhug—left. Now —don't—jib." The Aralue of this advice was soon visible; for the police- men Avere so confused at the division of their chase, that they actually stopped for two or three minutes before they could make up their minds Avhich to folloAv; and this space was sufficient to place the three students out of danger. V. AVHICH RE-UNITES OUR FRIENDS. Alfred-street, Bedford-square, is a small arterial branch of the great aorta of London vitality, situated amidst the central squares of the metropolis. To describe it surgically, we should say, that, in the event of a gas-pipe aneurism in Tottenham Court Road, which required the pavement of that route to be " taken up," Alfred-street, by communicating Avith certain other thoroughfares, would carry on the circu- lation. This is the only accident that could cause a bustle in its usually tranquil purlieus, as at ordinary times no one is seen in it but those who lodge therein; except wandering or MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. 75 ganists, and retailers of tumbling dolls, chickAveed, ground- sel, and Avater-cresses. First and second floors to let, fur- nished, varying from twenty to thirteen shillings hebdomadal rent, with six-pence a day for fire, and a shilling a Aveek for boots, abound in its mansions, the eastern range of which is dos-d-dos with the western line of GoAver-street, separated by a rich valley abounding in coach-houses and horses, chickens, carriages, and clothes-lines, termed a MeAvs. Several medical students—principally those attached to the University College—reside in Alfred-street. To discover their residences, it is merely necessary to Avatch the peregri- nations of the boy attached to the public-house at the corner, when he calls for the empty pcAvters. From some of the abodes he only reclaims a modest pint, from others three or four quarts, Avith the tops squeezed together as if by a poAver- ful grasp, the handles distorted, and the general contour of the vessel battered and disarranged. There is no doubt con- cerning the occupiers of these latter houses, Avhich have all apertures for latch-keys in their doors, stands for rushlights in their passages, and attenuated carpets on the stairs. Therein do the sucking Galens set up their Lares and Penates—their preparations and tobacco-jars. By some kind of instinctive coincidence, the students avIio betook themselves to flight at the end of the last chapter, arrived Avithin a few minutes of each other at the door of Mr. Manhug's lodgings in Alfred-street. The oc- cupier himself was the first avIio got there; and, being slightly elevated by the fresh excitement of the chase, he Avas found trying very hard to let himself in Avith a short pipe, whilst he was at the same time insanely endeavoring to smoke his latch-key, which he found Avould not draw at all, after hav- ing used up all his German-tinder cdlumettes, and burnt his nail Avith the phosphorus in the attempt to light it. The arri- val of Messrs. Jones and Rapp put all things to rights; but on entering the passage they found that the rushlight had long since g'lA'en its last sputter, and all Avas wrapped in obscurity. "What's to be done now?" asked Mr. Rapp, in a tone of vexation. "Ring up the servant," rejoined Manhug, seizing the han- dle of the area-bell, and pulling it down violently. Fortu- nately, however, for the slumbers of the domestics, none of the area-bells in Alfred-street are available, or it 76 CURIOSITIES OP would go hard with the servants of the lodging-houses, in whatever part of the house those useful menials repose—a point, we believe, which has never yet been correctly ascer- tained, beyond the suppositions of the most vague hypothesis; unless it be in the long drawers of the kitchen-dressers. "I'm game to climb up the lamp-post," exclaimed Mr. Rapp, with Spartan heroism. " Well, go on, then," said Mr. Jones; " Manhug and I will help you." Aided by various thrusts and heaves from his two friends, Mr. Rapp contrived to catch hold of the projecting ladder rest; and, by a sudden muscular exertion, seated himself across it, and opened the door of the lamp; the accomplishment of which feat so delighted his amour propre, that he gave vent to his satisfaction in a few selections from the Macbeth music, as performed at Drury Lane Theatre and the Cider Cellars, under the management of Messrs. Macready and Rhodes. He had got through the "Many more, many more" and had broken out in a fresh place with " We fly by night, midst troo-oo-oo-oops of spirits," which he was shouting most lustily, taking all the parts himself, when an outline appeared at the corner of the street, whose form there was no mistaking. See- ing which, and not anxious for an interview with another po- liceman, Messrs. Manhug and Jones—we almost blush to chronicle the retreat—slunk quietly into the passage, and closed the door, leaving Mr. Rapp in his elevated situation, totally unconscious of the new arrival, and chanting, with all due emphasis and effect, "My little, little, airy spirit—see, see—see, see, Sits on a foggy cloud, and waits for me!" "Now, just come down from that," exclaimed a voice from below, which stopped the singer as if he had been shot. Mr. Rapp looked from his post, and saw the policeman. A close observer might have observed that a slight shock con- vulsed his frame; 'twas but an instant, for speedily his pride ran crimson to his heart, until he recovered his self-posses- sion; the next moment he boldly uttered, in reply, " I shan't. Come up and take me doAvn yourself, and when I am down, you may take me up." This speech evidently puzzled the policeman, Avho, for the space of half a minute, was perfectly silent, considering how MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. 11 he should proceed. Then, assuming an air of double import- ance, he cried out, " I order you in the Queen's name to come down." " Oh, nonsense, man," resumed Mr. Rapp, in chiding accents —" you mustn't take the Queen's name in vain in that way. I'm sure Albert Avouldn't like it, if he heard you; he's remark- ably particular upon those points." " Come down, sir," roared the policeman, getting very angry. "Hush! now, don't you," replied Rapp; "I must say with Mr. Evans, ' I can't have the harmony of the street disturbed by one party.' I am certain your inspector would not ap- prove of your kicking up a row like this in the middle of the night." " Wait a minute," cried the policeman, moving off in ex- treme Avrath toward the centre of the street. "I should think so, rather," said Mr. Rapp, taking a manual observation of his retreating form; "Oh, of course, I shall stay till you return." Turning off the gas from the jet of the lamp, which threw his locality into complete darkness—for the Alfred-street lamps somewhat resemble the complimentary calls of cheru- bims—Mr. Rapp twisted himself off from his perch, and slid down the post. Jones and Manhug, who had been on tin watch the whole time, directly admitted him, and then as rapid- Iv closed the door. In two minutes the policeman returned, Avhen they heard additional footsteps and much grumbling. Then, waiting in breathless suspense until the evidence of their presence grew fainter and fainter, they crept up-stairs, not deeming it safe to venture out again after their hair-breadth escapes. Mr. Manhug, Avith true English hospitality, gave up his bed to Jones and Rapp; then ingeniously forming a tem- porary couch for himself, out of carpet-bags, pea-coats, boots, and sofa-cushions, he also retired to rest, with his intellects still somewhat confused, but withal conscious of his double escape, and exceedingly rejoiced thereat. And here then we will leave them—merely informing you, courteous reader, as Francis Moore would say, that the next morning the sun rose many hours before they did. ******* What on earth Mr. Muff did after his friends left him, or where he passed the night, still remains a mystery. From 78 CURIOSITIES OP careful inquiries, however, made by his friends, rather than from any particulars disclosed by himself (for he appears to have been completely ignorant of all the circumstances), it Avas learned that a gentleman, answering his description, was found sleeping in a temporary erection of orange chests and nut sacks, Avhich occupied a portion of the eastern end of Covent Garden market. It further seems that the said indi- vidual subsequently treated two aged basket-women to a pint of coffee each in a neighboring coffee-house, and afterwards had a bottle of soda water in Long Acre. This was presumed to have been Mr. Muff, Avho appeared at the Hospital next day in any thing but robust health; and, after contriving to swallow a few oysters, returned back to Clodpole, sleeping nearly the Avhole Avay down, which betokened a previous want of rest—the more so, as he travelled in a second-class carriage, where, under ordinary circumstances, any thing like sleep is out of the question. VI. HOW JACK RANDALL GOT ON DURING MR. MUFP's ABSENCE. Possibly our readers may remember that when Mr. Muff quitted Clodpole to be present at Mr. Rapp's farewell ban- quet, he left his devoted friend, Jack Randall, to take care of his practice during his absence, having locked up the more powerful medicines and dangerous instruments. That ingen- ious gentleman acquitted himself admirably, both with respect to the patients and the exchequer; as Ave shall learn from his own mouth. It was the evening of Mr. Muff's return; and he was seated in his back parlor with Mr. Randall, in company also with some gin and Avater, pipes, and the day-book. " Well," said Mr. Muff, " now tell us how you have man- aged." J "Oh, uncommonly well to be sure," replied Jack. "You hadn't been gone half an hour before the surgery bell was seized with a violent attack of delirium tremens,°snid a rasping MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. 79 page informed me that old Miss Withers had such a fit of hysterics that they thought she would die before anybody got there. So I bolted off directly, taking a tourniquet and two cupping-glasses with me." " Why, what on earth did you do that for ? " "Because it looked imposing and professional; Avhen I got there I found the old girl crying, and laughing both at once, and talking an immense deal of unconnected rubbish to six or seven old women Avho were gathered round her. It is remark- able the propensity old women have to get together, when anything like illness is going on. ' I soon saw how Miss With- ers was, you know." " How do you mean ? " inquired Mr. Muff. " Oh, all right." The remainder of Mr. Randall's reply was simply pantomimic. His tumbler being empty, he took a copious draught of atmospheric air therefrom, and winked his right eye; after which he tapped the quart stopple bottle that contained the gin with his pipe, and then Avinked his left eye: the import of these combined actions being that Miss Withers had taken too much of " something which had disagreed with her." "Well, and what did you do?" "Why, I said you were from home, having been obliged to meet Sir Henry Halford and Sir James Clark, concerning the Archbishop of Canterbury's rheumatism, but that I knew her constitution and usual medicine, from your books. I put the cupping-glasses on her head, and the tourniquet on her arm, telling the old women these measures Avould counteract the photographic circulation, caused by too much excitement of the tariff and system in general; and that they must keep her perfectly quiet, or a severe attack of missouri leviathan might supervene—in the mean time I would send her something very efficacious. When I got home I made her three such prime draughts." "What did you give her theu ? " "You see I Avas not exactly certain about the proper doses of the drugs in the surgery; so I made up the physic after a receipt of my own. I recollected the tub of elder wine that turned sour, so I drew a small quantity, and finding it a little too sharp, mixed up some soda with it, which made a great phizzing, and----" " Excuse me, Jack : ' phizzing ' is not a professional term —you should say, it * effervesced.' " 80 CURIOSITIES OP " Well, you know what I mean. The soda turned it quite green, and exceedingly nasty—so much so that Avhen I went to see her in the evening, she was quite well. Do you charge her visits ?" " Of course, I do." " Very good—two visits at half a crown are five shillings, and three draughts, four and six—that's nine and sixpence to begin Avith ; not quite so bad, I think." " No, indeed; I call it capital. Did any one else come ?" "Oh, lots. I took out tAvo teeth and broke two in; but they all paid—only a shilling a-plece ; I put the money in the desk. Then one of the Browns, the farmers, hurt himself, and came to be bled, and I think I did it rather. "You don't mean Jack, you were fool enough to try—why it's a most delicate operation." "I know that—I felt his pulse, and told him he mustn't think of losing blood from the arm; but if he would take my advice he would go home to bed, put a blister on his back, and a dozen leeches on his side, and you would come and see him in the morning. He did as I told him and now he is laid up safe for three or four days, and the bleeding would only have been a shilling. Is he good pay?" "We must chance that. At all events we can take it out in geese and turnips." "What a splendid general practitioner you would have made, Jack! " said Mr. Muff, lost in admiration at these proofs of his friend's genius. "I believe you," Avas the reply. " I think now, eventually, that I shall turn to it. Well, I had not been in bed twenty minutes, before I was called up to go to the Union Workhouse. A tipsy tramp had disposed of himself in one of the outbuild- ings." "Nonsense! " "So it was; but he had; so I tried to open one of his jugu- lars." "My dear Jack! how on earth did you know where the jugular was? " "I had not got the least idea, only that it was somewhere in the neck. But it didn't matter—it couldn't hurt him, and there must be an inquest: and that's some consolation." "I think it would answer to run up to London again, and leave you here, if you go on at this rate," said°Mr. MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. 81 Muff; "have some more grog, old chap. Did any thing else come?" "Yes—the best joke of all. About four in the morning I was awoke by another ring, and a gentleman in a smockfrock told me that the wife of a cottager, at the other end of the common, was expecting an immediate addition to the last census." "But you didn't surely go there, Jack? " "Oh, no—not quite. I said you were not at home, but there was a very clever doctor a few doors off; so he went and rung up old Binks, and he has been there ever since. I would advise you to keep in the way, because if any of his patients send for him in a hurry, you will get the job." "I do not exactly think that Avould be etiquette, Jack." "Pshaw! did you ever imagine that medical men know what etiquette meant? Go into any town where four or five doctors are all struggling for the same living—you cannot think what a generous, liberal-minded, open-hearted set of men they are." Mr. Muff ruminated on his opinion, with his pipe in his mouth, until he had made out a satisfactory view of the cav- ern in the Miller and his Men amongst the embers of the fire- place. Then ringing the bell to know what there was in the house for supper, and receiving for a reply from the old woman who looked after his domestic comforts, "that there was nothing," if indeed we may except half a lemon and some cold potatoes, he sent out for some oysters; and half an hour after, he was busily engaged with Jack Randall, endeavoring to scallop them in the tin top of the tamarind jar. VII. AN IMPORTANT REVELATION. We are compelled, as faithful chroniclers, to state that our friend Mr. Muff has been " done "—regularly sold, and swin--- died out of five pounds one, at Clodpole Races. We hasten to report the transaction, in hopes that it may be of service to our subscribers; for, although our Number 6 82 CURIOSITIES OF will not refresh the universe until the Derby is over, yet the Oaks, Ascot, and Mousley are still to come. Accompanied by Jack Randall, Mr. Muff locked up his sur- gery on the " cup day " at the above place of resort; and leav- ing Avord that if anything required his attendance, he should be found at the winning-post after each race, set off to the race-course, about half a mile distant. He has not been there half an hour before the swindle took place, of which we are indebted to Mr. Randall for the particulars—Mr. Muff evi- dently feeling ashamed of his simplicity. It appears that although Joseph Avas " well up " in London diversions and inrpositions, he had not sufficiently studied the Physiology of the Race-course. Randall had left him, to ar- range with some sporting friends about riding a jibbing mare in the hurdle-race; and as Mr. Muff was sauntering about the course, his attention Avas drawn to a little knot of people who were crowding round a slight three-legged table, upon which a man was exhibiting the mysteries of the pea and thimble. As he had frequently heard of this game, coupled with the parliamentary proceedings of the House of Commons, he joined the circle, and, by the politeness of the two bystanders, who saw he was anxious to inspect the game, and politely made way for him, got close to the table. A bird's-eye inspection of the company satisfied him that he was in proper company. There was an honest farmer in spectacles, with a pocket-book in his hand, full of notes, and a very superior gentleman's servant, in clean top-boots, with a whip; with two young men of fashion, in blue satin stocks, broAvn cut-away coats, with conservative brass buttons, and patent leather boots, with long toes; and a respectable gentle- man in black, who looked something between a butler out of place and a methodist parson; and lastly, such a dashing, handsome lady, in a lemon-colored linen muslin dress, beauti- fully embroidered with sprigs and trimmed with green bows, wearing a flat gold watch at her waist, not at all afraid of the pick-pockets, and wafting a perfume of verbena from the laced handkerchief that could be perceived all the way up the course — also sporting one of the celebrated twenty- shilling bonnets which have caused so great an excite- ment in the Royal Drawing-rooms and the fashionable world at large. " Gentlemen, and noble sportsmen," said the professor of the game, who was a very pleasant-looking man, in a shoot- MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. 83 ing-coat and freckles: "the condishuns of this curious game is very easy to be taught and to be learnt. If you have a quick eye to trace my movements, which is all the chance I have, and diskiver which thimble the little pay is under, you wins; otherwise you loses quite different and per- miskus." "Now. here's little Jack, the dodger, in his round-house, that never pay no taxes. Here he goes again—vun, two, three, and never say die; right round the corner out of that vun, up the middle, down again, and slap into this vun. Here's the thimbles as loses, and that vun's the vinner, and who says done for a fi' pun note! Come farmer, say the five." The farmer put his hands in his pocket, and inspected the thimbles—the money was laid on the table, and 31 r. Muff looked on in breathless excitement. The right thimble Avas lifted up, and the farmer pocketed the money, which our friend thought he might just as well have had himself, for he should have lifted up the same; so he resolved to keep a sharp look out. " Well, gentlemen, continues the man, " I never grumbles at losing, but I'd rather Avin. Them as don't see don't tell, and them as do, hold their tongues, for luck's the real sports- man. Here goes agin—vun, two, three; it's my place to hide, and yours to find; out of this vun, and who's afraid ? Differ- ent people has different opinions, but it's not unkivered now for any sum you like—who says a flimsy ?" "I think it is under the one nearest to us," observed one of the conservative cut-aways to Mr. Muff. " No; I think it's the middle one," remarked Joseph in re- "I'll go you two," said the gentleman to the player. "Say the five sir," replied the man, touching his hat. "No, two;" repeated the gentleman, putting down the money. "Pull away, sir," answered the player. The cut-away lifted up the nearest thimble, and lost. ' Well, I shouldn't have thought it," exclaimed the gentle- man to Mr. Muff; "what a wonderfully quick eye you must have!" "I could guess it every time," said Mr. Muff; " wait till he begins again." "Now, then, for another turn," said the man; "if you've 84 CURIOSITIES OF got no money, you can't play; but if you have, you may win a fortune. Here he is, and there he is, and now he s every- where. Vun, two, three—out of this vun slick into the t'other. Now, you boys, keep back—I only plays with gen- tlemen." . , As the thimble-man turned to disperse the crowd behind him, the conservative cut-away lifted up the thimble, an I showed the pea to the spectators, covering it rapidly again as the player resumed his occupation. " It's not found out for a ten pun' note," said he. "It's been seen," exclaimed the honest farmer. _ "I know that," said the man; I always shows it to the com- pany. Who's game to bet ?" "Take him, sir," whispered the cut-away to Mr. 3Iuff; " you're sure to win, and I'll go your halves." Mr. Muff was in an agony of desperation, but he would not bet ten pounds. He therefore wagered the five, and, by so doing, nearly emptied his exchequer. " I'll move them round once more, sir, if you like," said the player, touching the thimbles. " No, no," cried the cut-away; " I know your cheaty ways; let the gentleman choose for himself." With nervous haste, Mr. Muff placed the amount of the bet on the table, and lifted up the thimble under which the " little pay" had been seen. What was his consternation and horror to find it was gone! "Bless me!" said the cut-away, "Avhat a mistake. Look here, sir, this is the thimble you ought to have lifted; you chose the wrong one." Maddened with anger at being thus gloriously taken in, " downey" as he imagined himself to be, Mr. Muff raised his heavy stick, and smashed the table with one blow, at the same time seriously damaging the shins of the cut-away; and then rushed from the spot, in the vain hope of finding a policeman. It is really remarkable, that year after year, victims are still found for the thimble-rig—in many instances, clear-headed and intelligent persons. The whole of the ruffianly gang Avho compose the party are keen adepts at legerdemain, coarse and horny as are all their hands—the chief marks that betray them. There is no cobbler's wax in the thimbles, neither is the pea magnetic or adhesive; the Avhole swindle is comprised in an adroit use of the nail of the second finger, whilst the MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. 85 thimble is lifted by the forefinger and thumb. After it has once been covered over you are never sure of it, even if the thimbles are not again moved; for it can be taken up or dropped with the slightest visible motion. In Mr. Muff's case, which is a very common one, the transfer was effected when the man asked " if he should move them again." Were it a fair, straightforward game, the chances are tw-i to one against you; but played as it is, no one can possibh Avin. Many of our readers may say, that is all very well, bin they knew it before. Probably they may; yet it is evident there are some who do not, or the thimble men would not suc- ceed as they do, year after year, in catching new fools—for fools, and downright idiotic ones, they are. We must refer our friends to the next number, in order that they may learn what steps Mr. 3Iuff took to retrieve his losses, and how he succeeded—the minute anatomy of which speculation we shall also lay open, with any admonition we may think it advisable to give. VIII. an important revelation.—[Continued.) How fortunate it was that no one met 3Ir. Muff immedi- ately after his loss, recorded in the last chapter, or they would have fared but badly. As he left the thimble-table he rushed off the course and plunged into the alley of canvas pavilions appropriated to the amateurs of E. O., Avhence proceeded un- ceasing announcements of "Walk in, gentlemen!—the real French Hap-hazard!—no bars, blanks, or apreas!"—"Rou- lette! roulette!"—"Rouge-et-noir!" "Mechanical horse- racing, my noble sportsmen!" and the like attractions. He had, however, little inclination for any more heavy bets; yet, in the true gaming spirit, hoping to recruit his fortunes, he was anxious for another speculation of a minor character. Mistrusting the chances of the " Dimunt, Star Hanker, Crown, Club, and Feather," he paused before a table which held out considerable inducements. The board that formed it was covered with an elaborately 86 CURIOSITIES OF painted canvas divided into forty or fifty squares, and gar- nished with artistic representations of hands with frilled Avrist- bands, or rich bracelets, like those whilom used in " The White Cat" at Covent Garden, throwing guineas about as if they were button-moulds, sacks of crown pieces being shot like coals, and purses of red gold that literally appeared to be bursting with repletion. The divisions were all numbered, and corresponding to the number was a prize of money, also pictorially represented, or a prominent NO, symbolical of a blank. The presiding genius of the table was a very grand lady, avIio stood upon a small stool, under an enormous red umbrella, the chief use of which seemed to be, to shade her bonnet from the sun, and protect its feathers, which were severally colored red, blue, and yelloAV, the bonnet being green. Before her lay a quantity of money, more or less counterfeit, together with a cash-box of notes and a glass of brandy-and-Avater; and she wielded an instrument somewhat resembling the " rest" of a billiard-table, with which she raked up the money, pointed to the numbers, and counted the ten dice used in the game. The display of wealth, both real and represented, riveted Mr Muff to the spot; and as he rested at the side of the table, the lady thus harangued her company: " The mint, the mine, the raffle, the cornycopy, the spring- ing fountain of gold and silver; venture a shilling, and yon may get a guinea. There is thirty-two prizes on the table, and sixteen blanks, and no two numbers alike, and every num- ber as is on the dice is on the table. There is ten dice and fifty numbers—a faint heart never won a fair lady, but as I say, so I do." "Well," thought Joseph to himself, "this seems fair enough. I'll have a shy at all events." "Keep off my gold," continued the lady; "my silver I do not vally. I've a wagon-load of this stuff just come in, and I expect another to-morrow night, for my grandmother died this week and left me five hundred pounds, and she means to die again next week and leave me five hundred more. Ven- ture the first lucky shilling, and if you don't get a prize of half-a-crown, a crown, three crowns, or a pound, I'll give you the chance over again or treat you with something to drink." Overcome by the persuasive eloquence of the lady, and the tempting pile of gold before her, 3Ir. 3Iuff threw down a shilling, and seized the leather quart-pot which formed the MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. 87 dice-box. Rattling them well up for luck, he cast them out on the table, and the woman proceeded to display her powers of calculation in the folloAving style, separating each die from its felloAV, as she enumerated it, with the rake:— "Two and two is four, and five is nine—nine and tAvo is eleven and four is fifteen, and one is sixteen—sixteen and three is nineteen, and four is twenty-three—twenty-three and five is tAventy-eight, and three is thirty-one. Look on the table for thirty-one, young man. TAventy-one is a prize of two sovereigns, but thirty-one is a friend of mine — a blank. Try your luck, win a prize, and give the table a fair name." Nothing disconcerted, Mr. Muff took another chance, and another, and another, but uniformly with the same unfortu- nate result. The dice were not loaded, the numbers were all on the table and fairly reckoned—he counted them himself— and yet he never could get a prize. At last, Avhen he had completely emptied his pockets, he vented some oaths at the woman which partook more of condemnation than compli- ment, and left the table to rejoin Jack Randall. In placing these tAvo instances of race-horse chicanery be- fore the reader, we wish him to understand that we have not been so much influenced by the idea that a detail of the com- mon slang pertaining to the blackguard clique of gamblers who infest our race courses would amuse him, as by perusing it, he might be put on his guard against being caught in the same style as our old friend Mr. Muff. Possibly there may be many who will purchase our number to beguile the journey down to those races about to take place; our expose may cause them to reflect a minute before they play, and look upon the entire range of the games as open, and apparently licensed, robberies, rather than mere games of chance. The one Ave have just alluded to is, perhaps the most dangerous, because it is the most plausible—let us remark it, as Jack Randall did to Mr. Muff when they got home in the evening; and when you comprehend it, your purchase-money of threepence will not have been altogether an idle investment. The fifty divisions of the table embrace every number from ten to sixty inclusive—such being the range that can be pro- duced by ten dice. These numbers are not put in regular succession on the board, but run irregularly, as 27, 42, 13, and so on, for a reason which we will render obvious. No. 10 is a prize of 100 guineas—so is No. 60; but to make either of 88 CURIOSITIES OF these numbers with the ten dice played with, you must throw all aces or all sixes, Avhich is next to impossible, and could not be done in a lifetime. As the numbers increase from 10, or decrease from 60, so does the amount of the prizes diminish, until between 28 and 42 they are all blanks; but this is not perceived by a careless glance, as they are not painted on the board in a sequence, Avhich we have just stated. Now a person throwing with ten dice, wc will say for amuse- ment, will find that eleven times out of twelve, tht- num her he casts will be thirty something; and as this includes all the blanks, he can easily see the little chance he has of winning. Mr. Muff was so upset by his loss that it took some time to bring around his usual good temper. Jack Randall, however, introduced him to some pleasant young gentlemen who had brought a hampei, and were drinking immense quantities of ginger-beer and sherry (capital race-course tipple, by the Avay —one trial will prove the fact), and that somewhat restored his complacency. Indeed, the young gentlemen were so viva- cious, and told such capital jokes, that Muff did not have them until evening, and then he and Jack went home very glorious. IX. THE WINDSOR EXPEDITION. Pursuant to the course of education—the tl curriculum of study'' we think they call it—at our medical schools, there is .. branch f so diverting c nature, that it merits especial men- tion in oui colloberations. No eooner does the summer ses- sion of lectures commence, than certain benignant professors collect extraordinary accumulations of flabby leaves and half dried chickweed, and hold forth on their properties and natu ral history for many successive mornings to the three indus- trious pupils who generally compose their class The subject is, from its nature, most exciting, and the ultimate benefit to be derived from it of the highest importance Who would place any laith in the opinion of u medical man who did not know dandelions from groundsel r How could i surgeon be MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. 89 expected to treat a serious Avound rjroperly who was ignorant that the ranunculus bulbosus had a reflected calyx?—in com- mon language, that it was a buttercup? It is presumed that the majority of medical botanists are harmless and inoffensive maniacs, and they are looked upon as such by the students, who, if they do not literally employ their time in making daisy peep-shows and coAvslip-chains, yet amuse themselves by pursuits equally innocent and facetious. Indeed, they would lecture to themselves and their vegetables, were it not that they keep a few"pupils together by appropriating certain Sat- urdays to " excursions," for promoting botanical knoAvledge, and consuming half-and-half in indefinite quantities at subur- ban bouses of public entertainment. Dr. Wurzel was the professor of botany at the school to which our friends belonged; and one fine June morning he gathered his pupils together, and planned a botanical excur- sion for the ensuing Saturday to Windsor. Rapp, Jones, and Manhug immediately declared their intention of joining the party, only regretting that Muff was not there to enliven them; but intending to make up for his absence by a double outpouring of noise and conviviality. Saturday arrived, as in the common course of things all Saturdays must, if we wait for them, and Avith it the various pupils who were to form the party, Mr. Newcome being first of the throng. He has purchased an enormous tin candle-box, to hold Avhat specimens he collected, which he slung over his shoulder Avith some Avhipcord, looking quite martial, and afraid of nobody, but affording great amusement to the others, Avho rapped the box Avith their sticks every time he turned round, and occasionally filled it A\7ith rubbish. The majority of the men decided upon Avalking to the terminus, except Manhug and Rapp, who, naturally opposed to anything like labor, agreed to ride by an omnibus, and with that intent started to the George and Blue Boar. "Great West'n Railroad!" cried the cad of an immature vehicle that presently drew up to the gateway, in a voice something between a raven and a nutmeg-grater—all g\n and focr, like Drury Lane in November. "What a rummy little seven months' bus! " said 3Ir. Rapp, as he climbed on the top. "How d'ye do, sir?" This last observation was addressed to a very underdone young man, with a smooth face, Avho sat on the box holding 90 CURIOSITIES OF the reins, flicking at the lamp over the tavern-door Avith the Avhip, and fancying himself a member of the four-in-hand club. On being addressed he started round, and replied gravely— " I am very well, I thank you." "Ah! health 's fine thing," observed Mr. Rapp; "and so is lobster-salad. What's your opinion of the wood pavement, sir, in relation to the income-tax ? " " I really don't know," replied the gentleman; "I have not considered the subject sufficiently to give a reply." "How are you, S-s-s-s-usanV" cried Mr. Manhug, whistling out the s in the most approved style to the chambermaid, who Avas at the first-floor window watering some plants from a wash-hand jug; Avhich cd fresco conservatory bore a great similitude to a birch-broom pulled to pieces, and put in va- rious flower-pots. " When's our wedding to take place ? " "I never see such a wedding," replied Susan (as the case may be) coquettishly. "I'm in earnest," returned Manhug. "Good-by, my love. I'll come and fetch you to-morrow: keep up your spirits, and don't fret." "All right, Conkey," bawled the conductor, slamming the door to Avith a violence that shattered every one of the nerves of an old lady Avho was sitting next to it, and shook her brain into perfect insensibility. The omnibus rattled on through High Holborn and St. Giles's, until it stopped at the Boar and Castle in Oxford-street, where there were seven people Avith carpet-bags waiting for the one vacant place, which being secured by main force, the other six went away grumbling at the imperfect accommodation afforded by railways in com- parison to stage-coaches. 1 Beguiling the journey with humorous remarks, and friendly salutations to occasional persons in cabs who chanced to pass, they at last arrived at the terminus at Paddington, where they met the doctor and some other men. All was noise and bustle in the yard: policemen were running about opening doors and shutting lockers, and men were dosing the wheels of the carriages with what Mr. Manhug conceived must be yellow basilicon ointment. At length, when they had been packed into the box peculiar to Slough, the bell rang for starting, and the train moved on. Whughf whughf whughf labored the engine at the engine- house, in minim time, as it Avheezed like a broken-winded MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. 91 horse with a bad cough, after he has draAVn six people in a four-wheeled chaise on a hot Sunday from Kentish to High- gate church: and then it increased its noise from minim gasps to demi-semi-quavers, and the whole miscellaneous array of first and second class carriages, pigs, horses, luggage, and stage-coaches, Avas in motion. "Now, Ave're off !" exclaimed everybody at once, in the ex- citement of the moment; and then, finding nobody disposed to contradict this positive assertion, or offer any comment upon it, they turned it off by looking at the endless rope, and the fuel outhouses, at which, like the offices of a government establishment, tenders are received for supplying the fires Avith coke, until they arrived at the two tall chimneys at the foot of Primrose Hill, where the engine to whose guidance they were to be committed was indulging in a prolonged perform- ance, all to itself, like a gigantic baked-potato-can leviathan. They clattered on through the tunnel, and on emerging from its gloomy precincts found themselves amongst the green trees and fields, when the hilarity of our friends began to get into full play. They were in excellent good humor Avith themselves and everybody else, for most of them Avere men from the country, who felt an almost childish joyousness at regaining their own element. And they must indeed be miser- able creatures, medical students or not, upon whom the first rush from close, dirty London—the bright sunshine, the clear sky, that from its novelty looks almost as blue as it used to do when Ave were children, the blithe hum of the insects, and the pleasant breeze, laden Avith the scent of a hundred Avild flowers—have no influence, or are unable to make them feel, for the time at least, both happier and better individ- uals. "I haven't been at Windsor for ever so long," said Mr. Rapp; "not since the year Zinganee won the cup at Ascot; and then we Avent to the races in a bathing-machine." " O, crams !" was the forcible observation of Mr. Man- hug. . "Fact, sir, and no mistake. I was a pupil at the Brighton Dispensary at that time, along with two very nice fellows now in practice not a hundred miles from the Chain Pier; and we couldn't afford to do it properly, although we wanted to go, for it was a grand affair." "And how did you manage? " "We got towed by a country wagon up to Guilford, and !»•_' CURIOSITIES OF then crossed over Chobham Common, and got on the Heath the night before the race. We had a little table inside, and played whist and smoked all night. The next day, when we dined, Ave let down the calash and fed under it. Uncommon good fun it was, too; and the people who hadn't been to the sea-side couldn't exactly make it out, and thought it Avas a show, which they tried to explore by climbing up the wheels and looking in at the little Avindows, until Ave closed the shut- ters." And with the like diverting reminiscences they beguiled the journey, until the train stopped at Slough, some forty minutes from the time of starting, X. the Windsor expedition.—(Continued.) Unhesitatingly we hasten to contradict a palpable blunder in our last chapter, which Ave can only account for, by pre- suming that Mr. Rapp, from whom we received the report, must have been in a state of extreme ale—for Avhich beverage Windsor is justly famed—and must therefore have seen dou- ble, Avhich circumstance alone could have brought about the curious jumble made between the Birmingham and Great Western Railroad. If the reader will have the goodness to substitute "the large archway at the side of the Edgeware- road," for " the two tall chimneys at the foot of Primrose- hill," this will bring him once more ' in the right train " to go on. There were several conveyances waiting at the station to transport our friends to Windsor, and they immediately ap- propriated the greater parf of one of the omnibuses to them- selves. Manhug and a select few stormed the roof, according to custom whilst Mr Rapp persisted in standing on the steps behind, and treating the company generally, and those near the door in particular, with some extempore A7ariations upon a theme ot his own composing, on a tin horn which he l.,v ] brought with him. They crossed the main street of Slouch, and then passing through ... turnpike and over a bridge m MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. 93 rived at the commencement of Eton, attracting a little atten- tion from the inhabitants by their antics; whilst the appear- ance of Mr. Newcome, who still kept his candle-box slung over his shoulders, provoked a few remarks, less courteous than comical, from the Eton boys, who were sitting on the low wall before the college. After crossing the river, and climbing up the steep hill of Thames street, the omnibus stopped at the White Hart, and began to descend its load. Dr. Wurzel immediately called a council as to Avhat should be the order of the day. Some were for seeing the Castle—others voted for collecting plants in the Park—Manhug and Rapp proposed something to eat— and Mr. Newcome, not knowing exactly what to do, acquiesced with everybody in turn, and thought their plan by far the best. As they Avere rather hungry, a feed was ultimately deter- mined upon, and they proceeded along the street in quest of a suitable establishment, thinking the White Hart a little too aristocratic for medical students. "Halloo! old fellow! how are you?" cried a well-known voice as they passed the top of Peascod street. "Jones, my boy!" exclaimed Mr Rapp, as he recognized his old fellow-pupil; " why, who would have thought of seeing you here ? " " Oh, I am assistant to one of the doctors, and' have been here the last three months," replied Jones. "The deuce you have: and what sort of a place is this?" inquired 3Ianhug. "TJm—I don't know exactly—rather rummy and very slow generally, only to-day happens to be market-day. The Queen doesn't visit much amongst the towns-people." " Is there a theatre ? " "I believe you—under the management of Eton College— and chiefly patronized by the mayor and the military. It pays very well—I've known as much as ten shillings taken at the doors." _ "Where can my flock get anything to eat, Mr. Jones.'' asked Dr. Wurzel, Avho Avas a young man, and, apart from the school, very fond of fun. "I'll show you, sir," replied Jones; "close by—try our fourpenny meat pies, strongly recommended by the faculty. Jolly shop,—not very ornamental, but uncommonly clean, and commanding a splendid view of the Town-halL" 94 CtTRTOSTTTES OF "Are the things good?" asked Mr. isewcome. " I believe they are, too," replied Jones. " You should see Prince Albert walk into the buns here now and then." " Does he come here, then ! " inquired Mr. Newcome. " Oh, frequently. I've gone odd man with him, many a time, for ginger-beer. This is the place." Acting upon Mr. Jones's advice, they turned into a shop opposite the market-place, with an eagerness that caused much alarm to a young man who was violently making pies at a dresser, as if his life depended upon it, and who, in allu- sion to his name, Mr. Jones designated as " The Earl of Les- ter." Passing into a back room, they were soon supplied with eatables, and whilst at lunch, determined upon their pro- ceedings, one party going with the doctor, to botanize in the Park, and the other remaining to see the town, and Castle, with a promise to rejoin them near the statue, in the Long Walk. " We term this shop the Windsor Exchange," said Jones. " Everybody that comes to market drops in here to inquire after everybody else; and nobody with large families thinks of going away Avithout a load of neAV buns to choke their children with Avhen they get home." As soon as the meal was finished, the two divisions separated, and Mr. Jones having bolted home to give the apprentice directions about certain draughts to be sent out, marshalled Rapp and Manhug towards the Castle. Mr. Newcome also joined them, upon the self-promise of collecting a double lot of plants when he joined the others in the Park. " Newcome is a great card to draw out," whispered Rapp to their conductor: "try it on." " All right," said Mr. Jones, winking. " These are the Poor Knights' houses," he continued, pointing to a row of dwellings on their right, as they entered the gate. " Why are they called poor knights?" asked 3Ir. Newcome, Avdio was exceedingly anxious for information upon every point. " I don't know," replied Jones, "unless it is because, like summer nights, they are rather short." "Ah," said Mr. Newcome gravely, "I never thought of that. Where are we going first?" "To St. George's Chapel: one of the vergers in black breeches Avill let us in." MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. 95 " A virgin in black breeches," murmured Mr, Newcome, not exactly hearing the remark: " how very funny!" Having entered the Chapel, Mr. Jones got the fresh man into a regular line. First he shoAved them the stalls, " used," he said, " by the knights for their horses in the desecrating times of the Middle Ages;" and then he stated that all the helmets and banners over them had been hired at a great ex- pense by 3fr. Bunn, when he brought out "The Jewess" at Drury-Lane. Then he pointed out the exact spot marked by an illegible inscription, where Thomas a Becket was killed by Quentin Matsys, the blacksmith of Antwerp, who shot the apple from William Tell's head. And, having explained a few more curiosities, they moved off to the Round Tower, " called," as Mr. Jones observed, " The Keep, from being for- merly used to lock people up in—a kind of preserve, on a large scale, for human game." " What a magnificent view!" exclaimed Mr. Newcome, as they reached the top. " I believe you," said Jones: "there are twelve distinct countries to be seen from here, and more than a thousand in- visible." " Law !" replied Newcome; " and which are the twelve?" " Let's see. Europe, Asia, Africa, Salt-hill,Virginia Waters, Boulogne, Ditton-marsh, Uxbridge, Jellalabad, Ascot-heath, Tottenham-court-road, and Stoke Pogis," replied his companion all in a breath. Mr. Newcome did not exactly know what to make of this rhapsody, but he Avas not inclined to contradict it; so he kept on admiring the prospect, exclaiming, before long, " There is a review going on in the Park!" " Yes," said Manhug, taking his turn at the chaff, " they have them every three months; but the Parks are a good deal torn about by them. They are the quarterly reviews which cut up things so, that you have heard of." " Yes—which is Virginia Water ?" " That's it," said Rapp, pointing to a pond in the Park. " And where is the fishing temple ?" " Oh, it's behind the trees—you can't see it." " Wasn't it built by George the Fourth?" asked Newcome. " Yes," continued Manhug, " and considering he was a king, and not used to that kind of work, he did it very well. Do you see that spire? Well—that's the church of Egg-ham, so called from the supper King John made there the night 96 CURIOSITIES OF before his great battle with Sir Magna Carter—you've heard of him, you knoAv." " Well," remarked Manhug to Jones and Rapp, as they fol- lowed Mr. Newcome down-stairs, " I have met many pumps, but—now, then, Jones, Ave'll see the State apartments." XL WHICH IS UNEXPECTEDLY CONCLUSIVE. Dear reader—To our utter astonishment—for, like a pleasant journey, we have been unconscious of our rapid pro- gress—the Editor has reminded us that the last number of the volume has arrived; an unlooked for circumstance,— which compels us to finish our subject, like a traveller's dress- ing-case, "in the smallest possible compass!" Had we space left, we could haAre set forth the whole par- ticulars of the Windsor expedition. We could have told how Messrs. Manhug, Rapp, Newcome, and Jones joined their companions at the top of the Long Walk, and how they hired a little boy to carry a good can of ale after them, to promote their festivity. We could have shown how Mr. Rapp scaled the pedestal of the statue, and proceeded to scratch his name on the horse's foot, in which situation he was discovered by a park-keeper; together with the pleasant dialogue that passed between them, including how Mr. Rapp called the park-keeper "an overgrown grasshopper in green plush breeches; " which so incensed him that he would have proceeded to extremities, had not Mr. Manhug drawn off his attention by chevying a large herd of deer all about the pasture, drumming in his hat with his fist while he ran. How, also, to make up for lost time, Mr. Jones assisted Mr. Newcome to collect some rare A\7eeds, until his candle-box was quite full, and wrote most extraordinary names on the slips of paper attached to them; such as " Megcdanthropogenesia Grandifolia," the Patrach- omyomachia Longwalkensis," and the Gossamer Preadstreet i- aita; all of which Mr. Newcome treasured up in his mind, and copied out fairly when he got home the next day. Neither should we have omitted to tell how Dr. Wurzel, having to attend an evening meeting at the College of Physi- cians, departed by an early train, leaving his pupils behind MEDICAL EXPERIENCE. 97 him, who kept up the conviviality Avith such liberality, that they spent nearly all their money, and could not raise suffi- cient to pay the rail back to London; in consequence of which they Avalked to Slough, and stoAved themselves in a Reading wagon, which deposited them in Friday-street, Cheapside, at an early hour the next morning. These entertaining adven- tures on the road, and the amusing acquaintance they formed Avith a man Avho was traveling to Hampton Court Races Avith sticks and snuff-boxes, would, Ave are certain, have caused much diversion. How the man was a disciple of Sir Isaac Newton, and filled his boxes with dirt, that they might fall in the hole by the mere power of gravity; and also how it Avas a great point to have the throwing-sticks slightly— almost imperceptibly curved—that when flung they deviated from the line intended, and hit the shins of the next snuff- boxman but one, or knocked off an alien Jack-in-the-box or pincushion, on the principle of the Australian crooked lath with the out-of-the-way name, whilom sold at the toy-shops, Avhich had the diverting property, Avhen throAvn away, of Avhirling back, and going through a window behind you, or knocking your eyes out. All this we could have related, and more; but we must now part company. The wish to render each volume, in a manner, complete in itself, is our sole plea for this hasty termination. Our friends, the medical students, with whom we have been acquainted, on and off, for nine or ten months, have assembled to wish the reader good-by. Mr. Joseph 3Iuff is slightly affected, in spite of a glass of cold brandy-and-water recom- mended and administered by Jack Randall. He begs to assure the subscribers to "Punch" that should their affairs lead them to Clodpole, he shall be only too happy to receive them, AA'hen he may tell them, viva voce, some more anecdotes of Medical Experience. The summer session of lectures has nearly concluded; the anatomical theatres are deserted, and the preparations repose in the scientific dust of the museums; whilst the majority of the students are realizing the anticipations of rural frolics and country merry-makings, which they formed during the gloom and fog of the winter course; let us wish them every happi- ness. And, finally, Avith gratitude for the kind reception already experienced, and humble solicitations for future patronage, the author of these papers respectfully makes his parting bow. 7 INTELLIGENCE OF SOME OLD ACQUAINTANCES. With the return of the anatomical session at our medical schools have also arrived some of our old friends to prosecute their studies. The introductory lecture at our own establish- ment took place toward the end of the past week, and the majority of our ancient students attended to hear Dr. Wurzel deliver it. Mr. Muff, on the strength of being appointed surgeon to the Clodpole Union, has established an assistant at twenty pounds a year. He was therefore enabled to come up from Clodpole with comfort to himself, and brought Jack Randall Avith him, who has determined upon being a medical man, and as such has entered to the lectures. We may from time to time give a few notices of his career. At present he is settled, through Mr. Muff's advice, in what he terms a very jolly crib, on the third floor—bedroom and parlor all in one. He pays for Avhat fire he burns, and uses his own blacking and brushes—the former of which he pur- chases at a penny a pot in the form of paste, thus abolishing the long tolerated imposition of a shilling a-week for boots and shoes. On 3Ir. 3Iuff's recommendation, also, he buys his own coals at a potato-shed near his dwelling; he fetches and keeps them in his carpet-bag, which looks very respectable, only it makes the lining rather dirty. By the hour appointed for the lecture every seat in the school theatre was filled. The regular teachers of course oc- cupied the bottom row, and immediately over them the usual [1011 102 THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. ring of old gentlemen with large noses, red faces, and grey hair, who attend all introductory lectures, and are supposed to be governors of the hospital, or house-surgeons of the dark ages. Then there Avere a great many good young men, raw from the country, accompanied by their fathers, who had de- termined upon going round to all the schools in succession, and entering to that which appeared to offer the greatest ad- vantages at the lowest price. The old pupils had dispersed about in little parties of two or three each, and were amusing themselves according to their different inclinations. Jack Randall had already made friends Avith all he considered worthy of his esteem, and appeared quite as much at home as if he had been there for years. The ruling powers had covered all the ledges in front of the seats Avith a thick coating of paint and sand, to prevent, if possible, the perpetration of any more peculiarly anatomical diagrams upon them by wil- ful students; but this made little difference to Mr. Muff, who was already hard at Avork with the stump of a scalpel, hack- ing out a representation of a figure in a state of suspension by the neck, under which he had written the name of the ana- tomical lecturer. Manhug and Rapp came in together, and their entrance Avas greeted with loud applause by their old friends, Avhich courtesy they acknoAvledged by taking sights, winking their eyes, laying their fingers along their noses, and other familiar demonstrations of affection, previously to taking their places near Muff and Randall. When they were settled Mr. Man- hug took a small box from his pocket, made of Avood, and shaped like a pear, from which, with great caution, he produced a blue-bottle fly, having a piece of thread tied to one of its legs, terminated by a little square morsel of paper. lie then gave the insect his liberty; and provided a fund of amusement for the class, by its ceaseless flights over the bald heads of the governors and old gentlemen below, much to their annoyance, who could not imagine what on earth the THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 103 perpetual tickling could be. As for Rapp, he had brought the whole ceiling into a state of eruption with lumps of masti- cated paper, to which he had attached little men by long silks pulled out from the pocket-handkerchief of a new man who sat below, quite unconscious of the abstraction. "Howd'ye do, sir?" cried Randall to a perfect stranger, who came in at the lecturers' door, looking very frightened, as strangers always do at a medical school—and with some reason. " I am very well, I thank you, sir," replied the newcomer, with much complaisance. " That's all right," said Randall, "and so am I. I hope you'll stand a pot of half-and-half after the lecture." " I shall be very happy," returned the stranger. " With a cinder in it, of course ?" asked Randall. The stranger, not exactly comprehending this speech, looked much confused. "Never mind him, sir," cried Muff. "He's a very low young man—quite lost." "Never care what he says," continued Randall; "you stand the Hospital Medoc, and then I shall be very happy to show you the lions of London in return—the Fleet-ditch, Clare- market, the outside of the Olympic Theatre, and anything else that won't cost me anything." All this badinage continued until Dr. Wurzel made his ap- pearance. For what he said, how he was received, and other diverting matters, we refer the reader to the following pages. TPIE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT, MR. MUFF'S INTRODUCTORY DISCOURSE TO THE MEDICAL STUDENTS. It Avill be perfectly useless to give any minute report of the oration delivered by Dr. Wurzel to his pupils, because all in- troductory lectures, at whatever school they may be given, al- Avays end in the same thing, viz., persuading as many students to enter to the classes as can be talked over. He told them that they had made choice of a very harassing profession, in which the pleasure derived from alleviating the sufferings of their fellow-creatures would be far beyond any pecuniary re- compense they might expect, which of course he mentally agreed in, as Avell as in the following confession, that he and his colleagues, who formed the teachers of the school, were actuated solely by a love of their noble calling, and no affec- tion for common-place coin. Moreover, he indulged his hearers Avith a history of all the eminent medical men doAvn to the present time, from the very celebrated people Avho never ex- isted except in museum portraits and Lempriere's Dictionary. And having said all this, and a great deal more Avhich our re- porter cannot recollect, inasmuch as he had been fast asleep for the last half hour, the worthy professor concluded as the clock of the hosjntal struck three, to the great relief of his audience. Of course there was violent applause, although, generally speaking, medical students are quiet young men, averse to anything like noise; and then a violent rush took place to the dissecting-room. When they had collected therein, Mr. Muff sent Randall round Avith the top of an earthen-ware jar, to collect filthy lucre for half-and-half; and then, having publicly announced his intention of saying a few words to the new students, he commenced as follows:— [105] 106 THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. "Gentlemen! " "Don't call names," interrupted Manhug. "Order!" bawled out Mr. Rapp, thumping the table with a stick which he snatched from a new man standing near him, until a glass preparation-jar danced off upon the ground, and broke to pieces, when it was immediately concealed in the flue of the fire-place. "Order! and hear Mr. Muff." "Gentlemen," continued our friend, by no means discon- certed, " you have heard a very vivacious discourse from Dr. Wurzel, in which he told you all he thought necessary for you to attend to, in your wish to become leading members of the agreeable and not-by-any-means-overdone-by-numbers profes- sion you have decided upon choosing. Now, I have to beg you will forget everything he said, and listen to me; for lam about to tell you Avhat will be of a great deal of use to you in your future career. Jack Randall, be good enough to poke the fire, put on the leg of a stool to make a cheerful blaze, and pass the fermented." These orders being observed, Mr. Muff continued. " The knoAvledge you will gain, gentlemen, during your studies, will be useful, inasmuch as it will enable you to pass the hall and college; but these points once achieved, you will be anxious to forget all you have learned as soon as you can. Your grand study must then be human ncdure,&nd the habits of society. Be assured that at all times a ready tact and a good address will bear doAvn all the opposition that can ever be offered in the shape of professional knoAA'ledge and hardly- earned experience. You will do well to take a feAV private lessons of the nearest undertaker in the necessary art of fixing your looks and assuming a grave demeanor ; and your spare half-hours may be Avell passed in learning the most abstruse names of the most uncommon diseases; by the display of which you will flabbergaster other practitioners whom you may be, from time to time, called upon to meet in consulta- tion. Leave vulgar common-place affairs, like measles, whoop- ing cough, croup, and colic, to monthly nurses and small apothecaries; but Avhen you have once written a treatise on the exhibition and beneficial effects of Sesquicarburet of Saw- dust in the early stages of Megalanthropongenesia, be assured your fame -will soon extend. Gentlemen, I beg a moment's pause in order that I may indulge in a modest drain of the commingled, to Avash down that last hard word." The example set by the lecturer was speedily followed by THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 107 his hearers, and when he had recovered his breath, after a protracted deglutition, Mr. Muff went on again. "You will find depreciation of brother practitioners of immense service, but this must be carefully done, to avoid ever being found out. When you are shown their prescrip- tions, shake your head, and order something else; which take care to make of a different color and taste. In the great Avorld, the term making one's fortune, implies ruining somebody else's; and, as we all attain eminence by clambering over one another's shoulders, do all you can to push down those above you, for stepping-stones. An illustration of this theory may be seen in the Chinese collection at Hyde-Park Corner, only it is a half-a-crown to go in. Wait until it comes to a shilling, and then imbibe the philosophy there taught. There is a picture of a duck-boat, and we are told that the ducks are called in every night in an incredibly short space of time; hustling over one another like the pittites of a theatre on grand nights. This race for superiority is rendered thus animating, because the last bird who goes in is always beaten by the owner. My beloved bricks, recollect that the world is a large poultry-boat, and be careful, even to cracking your fibres and heart-strings with exertion, never to be the last duck! Should this happen, the beating will probably maim you, and you will never be able to recover your lost position. "I shall now bid you adieu until next week, when I propose to continue this important subject." MR. MUFF'S INTRODUCTORY DISCOURSE. The diffusion of useful knoAvledge which Mr. Muff placed at the disposal of the pupils of his own medical school Avas felt to be so useful by the students at large, that he had a Avonderful audience on the following Saturday, Avhen, pursu- ant to his announcement, he continued his lecture. Jack Randall was by this time quite at home, and firmly established in the good opinion of all his companions, who looked upon him as an Artesian well of drollery, from the depth of whose inventive genius a spring of unadulterated mischief 108 THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. was constantly gushing. He had somewhat added to his pop- ularity by a bold coup on the last board day, when, in the face of all the old governors, who were standing about the hall of the hospital, he drove up to the door outside a hack cab, holding the whip and reins in one hand, and playing "Jim along, Josey," upon a second-hand cornet-dpiston with the other—an instrument Avhich stood very high in his notions of surpassing excellence, because it made a great deal of noise with a very little trouble. "Hurrah, Manhug!" he exclaimed, seeing our friend at the door, "I've nailed a victim—capital case—two ribs fractured and dead-drunk." The porter came to the door, and by their united efforts, the patient, Avho was the real driver of the cab, Avas taken out. " How did you contrive to catch him?" asked Manhug. " Coming through Seven Dials, I saw a roAv—a fight be- tween two Cabbies, one of Avhom had thrown a paving-stone through the other's AvindoAV. The aggressor had just been picked up from his last round, and was beaten to blancmange. They were going to take him into a doctor's close by." " And Avhy didn't they ? " "Because I prevented it. I said, Don't take him there— blue-bottle shop and flag-of-distress lamp over the door— sells soda-powders, horse-balls, pitch-plasters, lucifcrs, and penny periodicals. Hospital's the place, you knoAV, for men of high reputation—accidents admitted day and night, Avith- out letters of recommendation. So I boxed him up all right in his own hutch, and here he is." The man was soon settled in a bed of the accident ward; but being still too much overcome by beer and beating to give any account of himself, the next point was, Iioav the horse and cab should be disposed of—a question which Jack Randall soon made all right by putting Rapp and Manhug inside, and driving off to Hampstead for a little air. But all this is an idle digression: we must return to Mr. Muff, whose stay in town is necessarily limited from his rapidly-increasing business at Clodpole. This ingenious gen- tleman, then, resumed his post of last week; and, having tapped the ashes from his short pipe, which he returned into a tin box and put into his pocket, he indulged in a modest imbibition of the equally commingled, and recommenced as follows:— "Gentlemen,—There is a portion of your curriculum of THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 109 Study which carries with it a subject of such vital importance that it deserves especial notice. I allude to the tAvo courses of lectures upon Potany which, by the politeness of the Apo- thecaries' Company, you are permitted to attend. You must be deeply impressed with the importance of thoroughly under- standing the physiology of a stinging-nettle in a case of frac- ture of the skull; and you cannot but laugh at the pretension of a medical man who would attempt to unite a broken bone without first being able to distinguish a daisy from a chamo- mile. Nor, I am certain, if thrown upon your OAvn skill, would you willingly attend, a case of croup or cholera, unless you were clearly aware that the proper name of a buttercup was Ranunculus bulbosus—an imposing title, well calculated to raise the importance of such an humble vegetable produc- tion, and make it think no small sap of itself. The lecturers upon Botany—with their diagrams of large green leaves that never greAV upon any tree in the world, and collections of half-dead garden-stuff Avhich induces a lament that no rabbits or guinea-pigs are kept to devour it—may be looked upon as scientific Jacks-in-the-green. When summer comes and their sessions begin, you will find they Avill tell you in their first lecture that 'the productions of the teeming vege- table world furnish us with an inexhaustible fund of scientific and gratifying amusement.' This is their idea. Between ourselves, a man must be exceedingly hard up for friends to find recreation in the society of a cowslip; and whenever I hear the lecturers affirm, with respect to vegetables, 'that they rivet our attention by their admirable combinations,' I can- not divest myself of the idea, that they allude merely to lobs- ter-salad and spring soup. I believe, in the partially-unexplored regions on the banks of the Thames in the neighborhood of Chelsea, there is a large garden of botanical curiosities. I think I have seen its trees from the steamboat, when I have been going to the 'Bells' at Putney to eat stewed eels. I have been told that lectures take place here—at Chelsea, not at the 'Bells' at Putney— at 8 o'clock in the morning. Possibly, if any of you should ever be sufficiently enthusiastic to get up in the middle of the night and go and hear them, you may be talked into a love of 'puff-aAvays' or 'what's o'clocks,' (I give the vulgar names) and return perfect enthusiasts. But as medical students do not generally go to bed at half-past nine, I fear you will never get there. They like to retire to rest with a lark, better than 110 THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. rising with one. But connected with these gardens there is one point of great importance, which I wish you to bear in mind. Should you ever find your Avay there, do not forget to cultivate acquaintances with the gardeners. A few pots of half-and-half will be well distributed in this cause; for you may possibly find out before you go up to 'the Hall' for your ex- amination, what plants have been ordered up for the purpose of testing your botanical capabilities. You have then only to go home and study them well: the examiners, without doubt, are, like thistles, sharp and downy—but medical students are sometimes downier still." THE CONCLUSION OF MR. MUFP's LECTURE. Whether it was that the subject was more entertaining, or that the circumstance of allowing pipes and beer during the oration made it more attractive, we cannot exactly state; but decidedly Mr. Muff got a better audience than the pro- fessors of the school. Not only the old pupils attended but all the new men also; who, according to the habits of their class in general, brought their note-books with them, and put down everything he said. He had a famous trumpeter in Jack Randall, who was be- coming more popular amongst the students every day, from his great love of fun, and diverting mischievous propensities. He was in the habit of practising the cornet-d-piston regularly in the dissecting room at one o'clock, having installed that quiet instrument in his locker on purpose that it might be al- ways handy. He had much increased the feeling of veneration tOAvards him, prevalent amongst his companions, by an answer he made to Dr. Wurzel, who one day inquiring, half in joke, half in earnest, what he was about, received for a reply, " that he was trying to set Cooper's Surgical Dictionary to music, for performance at the Oxford-street theatre when it opened." "I think," said Randall, seeing the Professor someAvhat flustered, "that much good may be done in this way. I pro- pose opening a medical theatre, where the performances shall be such as may amuse the students, and instruct them at the same time. I would open Avith ' Concussion,' a tragedy in THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. Ill five acts, to be followed by the 'St. Vitus's Quadrilles;' after which a farce entitled 'Smoke and Toothache;' the whole to conclude with a grand pantomime of action, entitled'The Imp of Epilepsy, or Harlequin and Delirium Tremens.' I think the proposition a good one, which the Lyceum ought to jump at." There is a tradition, also, that the matron of the hospital offended him by some severe remarks she made, in conse- quence of having overseen him taking hot potatoes for lunch from the trays which Avere going up stairs with the dinners for the patients; and subsequently chucking the servant under the chin, and telling her that she Avas prettier than her mistress. Whereupon Mr. Randall first stole a dead monkey which had been bought cheap of a keeper at the Zoological Gardens, to make a skeleton for the Museum of Comparative Anatomy. Next he painted it green, and having shut it up in a hat-box which belonged to Mr. Widdy—a now man who was very particular about his clothes—sent it by the Parcels' Delivery to the matron, with the united compliments of the life governors and house apothecary—the latter being a pious young man, who had lately published a work about religion and kidneys. This waggish trick threw the poor woman into a wonderful series of fits, which occupied all the tender assi- duity of the secretary for some hours—indeed there was a slight suspicion that they had a matrimonial design, against each other. Being suspected — and with some plausibility — of this frolic, — everything that occurred in the school, if par- ticularly mischievous, was placed to his account. And yet, with all this, if there Avas a prize or honorary certificate to be contested for, Jack Randall always got it, although not a soul ever saAV him reading. The professors could not help this, although they would sooner have bestowed their rewards upon the good young men who " minded their books,"—the sober students with black frock coats and thin legs, who put- tered after them around the wards, like ducks going to a pond, with stethoscopes in their hands, and big books under their arms to look learned. Previously to Mr. Muff's again commencing his lecture, Randall went around and beat up all the pupils he could find; and then coaxing the old men, and frightening the new ones into subscribers, laid in the usual quantity of Barclay's bar- ley water, (as he termed the commingled), and then told Muff 112 THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. to begin ; whereupon that talented individual commenced as follows:— " Gentlemen, " Having given you some wholesome advice upon various portions of the studies you have come up here to pursue, or which your friends think you have—being all the same thing, provided they have furnished you with the money—I will now offer a few remarks upon your education, and I am sure you will feel wonderfully better after them. Private lessons in practical chemistry you will find very ad- vantageous, if they only enable you to watch the evaporation of nothing from watch-glasses on hot sand, or discover arsenic in stomachs where it is not. I had a course of private instruc- tion myself; when it was finished, I could bloAV a glass jug ah most as well as the man at the Adelaide Gallery, and poison a sparrow with chlorine gas in a manner marvellous to behold. All this must be learned to enable you to pass; but when that triumph is achieved, burn your notes, sell your books, and buy a grave morning-gown; and a brass door-plate; furnish your surgery at an expense of five pounds, and have put up a night- bell that can be heard all over the street; get some convivial friend, whose habits lead him to be about at unreasonable hours, to give it occasionally a good pull. If they sold potted assurance as they do shrimps and bloaters, you would do Avell to lay in a good stock; but as it is an article usually manufac- tured at home, take a few lessons in getting it up, from the leading members of your profession, and become great, even amongst the Tritons. But even then do not relax in your en- deavors to insure a good practice; but recollect, it is far more difficult to keep a position than to attain one. Whether you dissector not, always tell your friends in the country that you do; and then, Avhen the tin runs short, you can often draw upon them for the price of an extremity, vary- ing it as occasion may require. You will not find that minute knowledge of anatomy which you are expected to acquire of any use to you. Great accidents, in London, ahvays go to hospitals; and in the country, are always sent up to London. Above all, never got off your beer. The archives of Apothe- caries' Hall do not present one instance of a man being re- jected Avho stood a pot of half-and-half when he was asked. And, in commencing life, do not be discouraged; for start- ing a practice is very like kindling a fire in a Dr. Arnott's stove—the chief difficulty is to begin. And, with all the as- THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 113 surance I wish you to possess, do not be too anxious to be thought brilliant. Dulness and wealth, poverty and genius, are each to each synonymous. No man ever yet rode in his car- riage who wrote a poem for his livelihood; and we may esti- mate talents of intellect in an inverse ratio to talents of gold; namely, that whichever way you take them, as one predomi- nates, the other sinks. In conclusion, I beg to drink all your good healths, and the perpetual indisposition of your patients—if ever you get any." 8 THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. SECOND SEEIES. THE MEDICAL STUDENT. NEW SERIES. CHAPTER I. MERELY PRELIMINARY. For the first time since we have been permitted to supply continuous papers to the columns of Punch, Ave have dis- carded the term physiology, from the head of our articles. It is true we borrowed it from France, and as long as we kept it to ourselves in England, it was all very Avell; but a crowd of imitators—professors of the sincerest flattery—have scram- bled after us, including a contributor to the New Monthly. " The cat may '//,' the dog will have his day;" and Ave now drop the title, not yet considering ourselves quite sunk down to the level of the lady-bird humorists of the pincushion school of literature, who, Avith one exception, supply that periodical. With the exception of discarding this word, then (with a full permission for those to make Avhat use they can of it who stand in need), we shall go on precisely as heretofore, in our usual manner; unshaken even by the amusing attempts to ' elevate' our style made in the fashionable morning paper, with its nice affectation of aristocracy—its nervous quivering and sensitive shrinking from the least contact Avith the every- day and common-place; its pretended ignorance of natural society, and its alleged inability to exist anywhere but in the perfumed boudoirs of May-Fair, with the coarse day-light modified by rose-colored curtains, and the vulgar air over- come by the incense of costly pastilles. [115] 116 THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. The present period of the year abounds in subjects for the exercise of that genius peculiar to the writers of small poetry for annuals and pocket-books The fall of the leaf is, of course, the first thing that suggests lyrical effusions to their minds, from the advertisements of Rowland's Kalydor, and cheap tailors, in the neAvspapers, to " Stanzas on an Autumnal Evening," in a fashion-book; and they write about the brevity of man's life—how one race succeeds another, the return of spring, and other petty and affecting sonnets. We will take an analogy, bu'. in prose, from the same source, in speaking of the medical students—with the exception that they succeed each other, just at the time when the leaves cut their sticks, or, more correctly, their stems and branches; and, in conse- quence, new faces are always to be met with, about this period, at the medical schools. Our old friends Muff, Manhug, and Rapp, with their com- panions, have at last departed—like certain actors, they have had many farewell appearances, but now Ave shall never see them again. Jack Randall is the only link remaining that connects the chain of new men with the past; in fact, he describes himself "as the last trump card of the hospital pack that has now shuffled and cut itself; and he may be well defined as the Kmove of Arts, or Dodges." He is indefatig- able in his endeavors to arouse the pupils to a sense of their duties, and a proper degree of spirit in conducting themselves as becomes medical students in general, and those of London in particular. The first information of the proceedings at the school, with which we can furnish our readers, will be better conveyed in a letter sent by Randall to Mr. Muff, a few Aveeks after the old party had left the establishment. This invaluable docu- ment Avas Avritten upon several leaves of paper, clandestinely torn out of a note-book belonging to a freshman who sat at his side in the class, and fastened together Avith pins and wafers. The despatch ran as follows:— THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 117 MR. RANDALL'S LETTER. "To JosEPn Muff, Esq., Surgeon, Clodpole. "Ullow, my Boy! "Here Ave are again—how are you? Scribo has pauca& lineas (you see I am working at my Latin) during the lecture now going on upon "the reflex nervous function;" which, as I merely hope to practice as a surgeon and apothecary, Avill be of as much use to me hereafter as the minute anatomy of the moon. The subject has now lasted for six weeks, and does not seem likely to finish for as many more. However, old Twaddletongue thinks I am taking copious notes of all he says—so it is just as well. "I am anxious that you should know how we are getting on, which is pretty Avell considering, although there has been an immense importation of dummies from the country. They seem, however, very tractable; and I have got them to leave off shoes, wear straps, adopt short pipes whilst they are at work, and subscribe for a set of single-sticks and boxing- gloves, by Avhich, I tell them, they will understand the demon- stration, and learn the action of the muscles better than from all the books, lectures, and diagrams ever printed, given, or invented. I have also contrived to dispose of my medical library to them upon very advantageous terms, and I bought a case of scalpels at the pawnbroker's—you remember uncle Balls—Avhich I sold immediately afterwards, for a pound, to a young gentleman red-hot to commence his first dissection. I also put a skull up to be raffled for by tAventy members, at a shilling each. I only got nineteen, so I threAv the other my- self, and Avon it, as well as all the money. So you see we are going on in the right way. " We have an immense card here in the shape of a new man —a Mr. Cripps—with Avhom I think we can have some fun. He has entered the profession rather late in life, and works like a horse, taking in all sorts of lies you choose to tell him, for the sake of information. He bought a box of chemical experiments the other day, and as he chanced to leaAre it in the pupil's reading-room, Ave changed all the tests. You can- not think what a hobble it has got into him—all he thinks will be red, turns green, and all the blues are pink, whilst he nearly bleAV himself up yesterday, through rubbing together some hydro chlorate of potash and sulphur in a mortar, Avhich 118 THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. of course exploded. This Avas because we told him it was the best way to make calomel, which they would be certain to ask him about when he went up to 'the Hall.' " Some of the men here are talking about starting a medi- cal society, to argue about different cases, once a week. I am drawing up a lot that never happened to get the knowing ones into a line, who read long papers which they copy from books, and call their own. Of course all this must be knocked on the head. I shall wait quietly until I get a majority on my side, and then some evening I shall vote that the funds be appropriated to the formation of a harmonic society, at which I have no objection to be the chairman. "The nice, good, young men of our hospital are very angry Avith Punch, for writing about Medical Students. We have several hungry young physicians, who, having nothing to do, hang about the wards, and potter after the professors, in the hope of one day being sub-officers, or medical attendants, to a gratuitous dispensary. Well—everybody has his object of ambition—this is theirs. They say Punch has only shown up the students in their worst light; perhaps they will favor him with their notions upon the subject. "I am going to have a hammock slung in my room, for any friends who may come to London and want a bed; so when you get mildewed and rusty by staying at Clodpole, run up for an evening and give us a look in. If anybody there should annoy you, let me know, and I will send them down a barrel of oyster-shells, or a two-dozen hamper of cracked bottles, by way of a Christmas present. "Good-bye, old fellow. Always keep your powder dry, and have plenty of black-draught boiled. Wishing you every epidemic and contagious disorder that can infect the rural dis- tricts, believe me to remain, " Yours, no end of sincerely, " John Randall." CHAPTER II. OP MR. SIMFSON BRIGGS. It is generally the custom of biographers to commence their notice of any individual with a mention of his birth and family, or at least some particulars of his early days; but in the present case it is impossible to do so. THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 119 Although Mr. Simpson Briggs was as well known to the pupils of the school as the porter of the hospital, or the bust of John Hunter,—the former personage, however, never re- collecting any of them in return, unless they gave him half a-crown at Christmas,—still nobody was aware when he first entered his name as a student of the establishment, or indeed, commenced the caricature of his education generally. Some years back, when a party of medical lecturers out of place, opened a cheap school up some court, as the " Arena of Ana- tomy," Mr. Simpson Briggs came there to dissect "just before he went up." The concern did not pay, and the classes broke up after two sessions, one or two of its professors instituting the "Metropolitan Theatre of Medical Education," and at the introductory lecture, there was Simpson with the same old black note-book—the same small uncomfortable ink-bottle— and apparently the same old steel pen (contained in the same handle), drawing such diagrams as his inventive genius led him to put down, and fancying that he was taking notes. Although the new school offered considerable advantages, Avith the option of entering at once "to all the lectures neces- sary to pass the College and Hall,'' for fourteen pounds, or something of the kind; and although one of the professors could lecture on everything, still the "Metropolitan Theatre of Medical Education" did not flourish, and Avhen, at the end of the course, the six lecturers shared forty-five pounds amongst them, they were so disgusted Avith the little rush of students their talents had induced, that they retired in digni- fied contempt from the lecture-room. Subsequently some went abroad "for the benefit of their Avives' health, Avhich was very delicate," and others, not at all proud, opened blue-bottle shops at the corners of streets in "populous and rapidly-in- creasing neighborhoods," and one of an aspiring mind christ- ened his establishment the "North South East and West Lon- don Self-supporting Dispensary," Avith vaccination direct from the cow, advice gratis, and shilling tooth-drawing. A very thin young physician, in shoes and spectacles, attends for two hours each day to give the gratuitous advice; and a drudge, at nothing a year, with permission to attend lectures, was stuck in 3ie shop to look after the retail, Avhich included tamarinds, lucifers, and Windsor soap. When the last-named undertaking tumbled to pieces, Mr. Simpson Briggs was not seen for some time. At length one day at Stanley's lecture some of the Bartholomew's men who 120 THE LOS DOS MEDICAL STUDENT. knew him well, Avere delighted to sec him make his appear- ance, with his note-book as heretofore, a new great-coat, and a fresh snuff-box, something about the size and shape of a portable shaving apparatus, with a looking-glass in the lid. In answer to my inquiries, he replied, that be was come there to dissect a little, "just before he went up," and that he had entered as house-pupil to a grinder in the neighborhood—a glorious chap, who allowed pipes and half-and-half during his examinations, holding his classes in the parlor of some public house, and knew all the "catch-questions" of Apothecaries' Hall, as Avell as having copies of all the prescriptions which the men presenting themselves bad to translate. Two winter seasons passed by, and still Mr. Simpson Briggs was at his post. lie was perpetually dissecting, or rather marching up and doAvn the room in a black apron and oil-skin sleeves, someAvhat resembling a butcher avIio had been dipped in a tub of ink, overlooking the men Avho were at work, and fancying himself a pattern of industry. Nor did he neglect attending the grinding classes; but he was principally remark- able for never knowing anything in the world about the sub- ject he Avas examined upon. With this tardy imbibition of knoAvledge, it is more than probable that he Avould have re- mained there many years; but the grinder got elected to some permanent parochial and medical situation, which being pre- vious to the NeAV Poor LaAV Union regulations, was worth his acceptance; and Mr. Simpson Briggs was again thrown upon the Avide medical world. It was a short time after this event that he entered to the school; whose students and transactions Ave have from time to time chronicled in our columns. During the days of Muff, Manhug, and Rapp, he AAras little knoAvn, being naturally of a retiring disposition, although noAvise disaffected towards half- and-half. But noAV they had left; and Jack Randall being rather put to it for acquaintances who harmonized with his own convivial temperament, soon got very friendly with Simpson, both agreeing in their love for everything like lei- sure, and a distaste for all kinds of hard mental industry. " I say, Simmykins," said Randall one day to Mr. Briggs, with whom it will be seen he was upon tolerable terms of in- timacy, " have you been long at this fun?" " Above a bit," answered Briggs. " I have seen the rise and fall of a few schools." " And Avhy don't you go up?" THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 121 " Because I don't feel confident. I think, though, I shall begin to read next Monday." For seven years had Mr. Simpson Briggs been going to be- gin to read next Monday. " Why do you want to knoAv?" he added. " Because," said Jack, " I'll begin to read with you. lean study better with another felloAv than I can by myself. Is the heavy good in your neighborhood?" "Slap—and such prime bird's-eye at the corner shop. When Avill you come?" "Why, whenever you like: I'm always game," replied Randall. " Well, then—say to-morrow night." " Ah—to-morrow night—I can't. I'm going to a concert in Drury-Lane, and a ball at the Lowther Rooms afterwards; and I don't think I shall read much after that." " Well, the next night, then." " Let's see. The next night a man in Lincoln's Inn has asked me to punch and rats." " Punch and rats!" "Yes; in his rooms—a regular lark—I believe you. He buys some rats and hires a terrier We let them all loose in the room, and then get on the shelves of the book-case to see the fun." " Who's your friend?" asked Mr. Briggs. " Such a brick! his name's Warment. He wants the cham- bers of the man underneath him, so he has put up a set of gymnastic poles in his oavh rooms, and a lot of us meet there to exercise. I think we shall drive him aAvay soon." " I should think so," observed Simpson. " If he don't take the hint, we shall get up quintets for the coriicts-a-jnstons." " Well, I see you won't come this week; I shall begin, how- ever, as soon as I have finished ' Pickwick.' Good bye." And Mr. Simpson Briggs having put on his apron and sleeves, and walked about the dissecting-room for a quarter of an hour Avith an old scalpel in his hand, singing something from " Norma," Avith his OAvn Avords, finally Avent home to dinner, satisfied that he had done his daily Avork with credit to himself. 122 THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. CHAPTER III. OP TnE LODGINGS INHABITED BY MR. SIMPSON BRIGGS. When Mr. Simpson Briggs first came to town, he took up his abode in a mansion, whose various rooms were dedicated solely to the purpose of lodging medical students; and of course a very quiet, Avell conducted, and respectable house it Avas. Here then he pitched his tent, or more properly, pitched his things down, for he was not over tidy in the arrangement of his wardrobe in the drawers, generally choosing to keep his clean shirts in the closet with the candles and bottled por- ter, and his clothes in his trunk in company with odd bones, short pipes, and scrap leaves of various " Anatomist's Guides," and " Student's Companions." The rooms on the separate floors Avere all alike, except in the rents; and by describing one, a just idea may be formed of all. The landlady and the furniture had both seen better days, as landladies and furniture generally have. The bed- curtains were of dark glazed calico to keep clean a long time, and not show the dirt Avhen they ceased to be so; the dingy walls were redolent of tobacco; and there was, in the sitting- room, a dark old-fashioned half-round mahogany table, whereon was to be seen a Quain's Anatomy, a scapula, a broken scalpel, a sixpenny song-book, and sundry circles of evaporated moisture, somewhat about the circumference of the bottom of a quart-pot. The pattern of the carpet had long been obliterated, -and its colors had now settled into a very neutral tint, variegated with mud. The looking-glass had been scored all to pieces with diamond rings whenever any of the tenants had been fortunate enough to possess such articles; a feAv pictures of that elaborate and entertaining kind, only met with in lodging-houses and brokers' shops, adorned the walls, and you have a very fair idea of the apart- ments which Mr. Simpson Briggs rented at fourteen shillings per week. Although the house was situated in a very quiet street, yet various internal noises were perpetually occurring to prevent a monotonous tranquillity, depressing the minds of the in- mates. The servant was usually called up by a summons over the stairs, from the various floors, as all the bell-pulls THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 123 had disappeared in times of the most remote antiquity; and occasionally a noisy clattering down stairs agreeably broke the silence, as a student slid down the last flight, a species of descent much in vogue with the tenants, by which the top rail of the banisters had been worn as smooth as polished mahogany, and the mat at the bottom of the stairs lacerated in several places by receiving the first shock of their heels when they landed in the passage. The spot of earth on which this interesting tenement stood, was in that wide locality commonly known as "over the Avater," — a territory principally appropriated to medical students and actors, the latter of Avhom may be seen in croAvds upon Waterloo Bridge about six o'clock in the even- ing, on their way from their mysterious abodes to the thea- tres; and who may also be met again, if you choose to wait for them, about midnight, retracing their steps homeward. The nearest clue we can give to Mr. Briggs' first abode is, that you went over Waterloo Bridge to get to it; Avhich circum- stance afforded great amusement to those gentlemen Avho honored him with their acquaintance Avhen they came to call upon him. The tolls were not then reduced, and they usually stopped a few seconds to hold a little converse with the pike- man, offering to toss him whether they should pay tAvopence or nothing apiece to go over. This was always refused very surlily; and then they would ask him which was the lowest he could take for permission to drown themselves from off the bridge, and if it was more expensive to try hanging, by way of variety. And sometimes Avhen Mr. Simpson Briggs had been supping at Evans', and was going home very jolly, he would enquire of the pikeman if he bad seen a gentleman go over that evening, in a black coat and short Wellington's, with a cotton handkerchief in his hat, because if he had, he wished his compliments to be given to him when he came back again. And, if he had friends with him, they would make a few remarks upon the flourishing state of the bridge- funds, and the immense fortunes the shareholders were reap- in "■ from them; and the last who went through the turnstile generally spun it round as he passed, with a force that sent it turning and clicking for the next two minutes; to the great anger of the toll-keeper, whom the constant revolving of the eate before his eyes had rendered very bilious and irritable. Well Mr Simpson Briggs, located at this lodging for four or five winters, going home every summer for the purpose, as 124 THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. he assured his friends, of a little country tranquillity to re- cruit his health, and enable him to work very hard against the ensuing course, at the end of which he thought about going up for his examination at Apothecaries' Hall. At length, as Ave have before stated, he entered to the school which Muff and his companions patronized ; and as the pres- ent lodging was too far, and his landlady appeared going to (be, or fail, or something of the kind, he packed up his goods, which Avere comprised in a carpet-bag and a fishing-basket, and emigrated to another quarter of the town;_ having first written to Jack Randall, to beg if he would see if there were any cheap apartments in the neighborhood likely to suit him. "I think I have got a crib that will do for you," said Jack, when his acquaintance came to the school one morning, " there's only one thing against it." " Well, what's that ? " " Only the landlady's a very pious old woman,—all religion and rheumatism—she don't like much noise, and says she won't take any medical students to live in her house, because they are such rackety dogs." " Well, I don't think so," replied Simpson.—"How people's opinions do differ ! But I say, Jack ! " " Now then, throw it off." "She need not know I'm a medical student." " That's what I Avas going to recommend. Say you arc a clerk in a bank—the clerks in the bank are always very esti- mable young men." " Well, that might do," replied Mr. Briggs, after about a moment's reflection. " But I say, Jack—suppose she sees any bones lying about, clerks in the bank don't study osteology/" " But you mustn't let her see any," returned Randall. "Learn your anatomy from pictures—that's what I ahvays do. The rooms are cheap enough ; ten shillings a week for the whole suite." " And what does it consist of? " "A parlor and a turn-up bedstead, with a recess to hang your clothes up in. It is on the first floor, too." "Now, if f hire it," said Mr. Briggs; "don't you be a fool and let out that I am a medical student." "You may trust me," replied Randall. " You certainly don't look much like one with that old-fashioned muo- of yours. I should take you for forty." THE LONDON MEDICAL STL DENT. 125 "And you may not come kicking up shindies there the first week or two," continued Simpson. "You need not be afraid," returned Jack. "I am going out of tOAvn for a few weeks. You will see nothing of me until you are firmly settled in the old lady's good graces." In a few days, Mr. Simpson Briggs having assured the lady of the house that he was an extremely well-conducted young man, of regular habits, and respectable connections, was com- fortably installed in his new lodgings ; and fearful his father should begin to think it was time he went up for his examin- ation, he Avrote him a long letter, telling him how very hard he was working, and Avhat a flattering finale he expected to his approaching examination. All this his father Avas very glad to hear, for Simpson was now approaching his sixth an- atomical session; and, moreover, as he had entered the profes- sion rather late in life, it may very readily be imagined that he I:ad not too much time to spare. He was much astonished, the first night he entered his new house, to see a large chest in the middle of the room, appar- ently put there for the purpose of being in everybody's way; but he Avas a great deal more surprised, on lifting up the lid to see what it contained, to discover that it had no bottom, but that he could see right down into the room below. He immediately rang the bell, to inquire the cause and intent of so strange a piece of furniture, and equally singular commu- nicatioubetwcen the first and ground floors. The old lady avIio kept the house, and avIio could talk anybody deaf, began a long story in reply, of the state of her affairs upon her hus- band^s death, and finally came to the point, by affirming that when she first took the house it had been a cook-shop, and the chest was a species of contrivance through which the plates or meat and vegetables were sent up from the shop below to the dining-room; which part of the establishment Mr. Simpson Brigs' room once formed. She added that he had nothing to fear3, as there was a very nice gentleman below, who belonged to some house in the city; and he could always lock the chest if he chose, and thus shut off all communication. Air Brio-gs professed himself perfectly satisfied with tin. explanation; and in another four-and-twenty hours was quite at home in his new domicile. 126 THE LOS DON MEDICAL STUDENT. CHAPTER IV. OP THE MANNER IN WHICH JACK RANDALL AND MR. SIMPSON BRIGGS DISTINGUISHED THEMSELVES IN PUBLIC. One fine afternoon, towards the close of the session, there was a notice put up on the board where the public information was generally posted, stating that Mr. Poddy, the anatomical lecturer, could not meet his class that day at two o'clock as usual. The reason assigned for his absence Avas an important post- mortem examination, some little distance out of tOAvn; and this Avas subsequently found to be correct, the subject in ques- tion being a very fine turkey at a friend's house with an ac- companying piece of more minute dissection in the shape of a saddle of mutton. The question of what they should do immediately rose among the students. Some of them, Avho were expecting their examination shortly, went home to read; but the majority, including Jack Randall and Briggs, thought it best to stop and indulge in a little harmony and half-and- half in the dissecting-room. People of delicate nerves or fine feelings might perhaps imagine that a more fitting locality might be chosen for conviviality than the spot justmentioncd, but as medical students cannot in general afford very fine feel^ ings, and are only conscious of the existence of nerves in the extremities that come under their hands for dissection, they are not very particular respecting the scene of their revels. Accordingly, our friends Avere in high glee before a quarter of an hour had elapsed. They had drawn a table towards the fire, round which they were assembled, the article of furni- ture being literally a festive board, and a goodly circle thev formed. Jack Randall was, of course, in the chair, or rather on the highest stool, and was entertaining the company Avith the account of a roAv he once got into at Epsom races, where he fought four thimble-rig men at once, and was obliged to sleep all night at some particular part of the Warren, in con- sequence of being too much overcome by poverty and brand y- and-water to get back to town. At the same time he illus- trated the respective localities connected with the event, bv drawing plans on the table in half-and-half with his finder. Mr. Newcome, who had now arrived at his third session, Avas seated on one side of the fire-place, using a fire-shovel to cook THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 127 some "brown bait," as Randall termed a bundle of sprats which lay on the mantel-piece. Mr. Beans, a man from the country, next told a story, instead of singing, about some ad- ventures he had when he was an apprentice, Avhich nobody could recollect when he had finished, but Avhich, nevertheless, Mr. Beans took great delight in narrating; quite unconscious that, during the recital, Jack Randall was filling the pocket of his apron with sawdust, cinders, and all the heads and tails of sprats that he could collect- Then after much press- ing, Mr. Simpson Briggs indulged the company in the exhibi- tion of various artful problems and keen puzzles, with short bits of tobacco-pipe; and concluded by singing a song—a crime of Avhich he was only guilty after the second pint—involving many curious speculations on the respective comforts enjoyed by the Pope and Sultan; and concluding with the affirmation that he would sooner be himself—Mr. Simpson Briggs—than either of them. Mr. Newcome applauded the performance, by rattling the poker between the bars of the grate; and Mr. Beans, who was getting sentimental at the last verse, content- ed himself with marking the time, in graceful measure, Avith his pipe; whilst he threw a glance of mingled interest and af- fection at a crumb of Abernethy biscuit that lay on the table. As the contents of the pewters disappeared, the mirth and noise gradually increased. The choruses, which had hitherto been sung in time and tune, grew louder and more prolonged, until every one joined in at the top of his voice, with any par- ticular air or Avords that came uppermost. Jack Randall took upon himself to conduct the orchestra, Avhich he did d la Jul- lien, with much satisfaction to himself, using a humerus as a baton; and Briggs kept up a pleasing accompaniment by rat- tling a vertebra and a penny-piece in a quart pot. At last, they kicked up such a tremendous riot, that the lecturer on the'Practice of Physic, Avho had been holding forth to a class of five, in the theatre, since three o'clock, sent in word by the porter, to say, that if the gentlemen did not immediately va- cate the dissecting-room, and either go home, or come in to his lecture, he would report the whole of them to the Board of Governors. WTiereupon, choosing the least of two evils, the majority rose to go home, and Jack Randall and Briggs, feel- ing somewhat inclined to feed, began to think about dinner, and started for the eating-house they usually patronized, in company with Beans and Newcome. The restaurateurs was not far off, and they all entered, one after another, like police- 128 THE LONDON MEDICaL S I'll DENT. men, stamping on the floor in stub regular time, as they marched to the end of the room, and with such energy, that they frightened all the other customers, and caused one gentle- man of delicate fibre, to pour his pint of porter into his hat, Avhilst he looked another way after our friends. The dinner passed off as most eating-house dinners do, very hastily; and the reckoning being settled, they rose to depart. Previous to this, however, Jack Randall emptied the salt- cellar into the decanter of Preissnitz as he called it; whilst Briggs, who was getting rather jocose, and whose hand very much resemble I a shoulder of mutton cut into five strips, squeezed the tops of all the pewter pots together, having first filled them Avith potato-skins. Beans and NeAvcome here left them, for they were working for the anatomical prize, and had each invested a shilling in the purchase of half a pound of coffee, to keep them aAvake whilst they made out the diagram they had copied at lecture —a series of elaborate drawings, Avhich their landlady pre- sumed to be puzzles, or plans for getting into the Mazes at Hampton Court and Rosherville Gardens. Jack Randall and Briggs therefore were left to themselves, and not feeling much inclined to go home, agreed to wander about for any amusement chance might turn up. At last they got into Clare Market, and this refined quarter of the town offered them no end of subjects for their temporary drolleries; as they indulged in unmitigated chaff with the keepers of the stalls that bordered the pavement; and avIio had illuminated their wares Avith tallow candles sheltered in paper bags, that cast a mellow and subdued light over the gasping flounders, consumptive garden-stuff; sleepy pears; and lucifers, Avbelks, straps, apples, and periwinkles, that are the staple commodi- ties of the district. Jack Randall asked every policeman ho met if he was at Waterloo, and Mr. Briggs inquired Avherehe bought his oilskin cape, because he Avished one like it; with other pleasant outpourings of great minds giving Avay to light relaxation from the graver duties of the accident-wards, and the dissecting-rooms. "I'd like to looshe some monies vid you," "said a son of Israel, as they passed his magazine of second-hand clothes. Jack Randall immediately offered, with extreme politeness, to part Avith the paper lining of his hat upon very advantage- ous terms. the London Mi-;ok:al student. 120 " I'll be happy to wait upon you at homesh, if you've got ci )thes to part vid." "Oh! I've got lots," replied Randall; "when can you come ?" " Any vensh," was the reply. Whereupon Jack wrote down the address of Mr. Poddv, I he Professor of Anatomy, and told the JeAv to go there the next morning, before ten. They then walked on towards Drury Lane, when they were accosted by another barker at the door of a similar establishment, as folloAvs: " Any things to shell ?" "Do you want a shirt?" asked Briggs. " I should think you did," returned the Israelite. "You've got it now," said Randall, laughing; "that was a thorough sell." "I shan't chaff the peoplesh any more," observed Briggs; but he had evidently been asked the same question before, from the readiness of his reply. They entered Drury Lane, and were immediately beset by the people with play-bills, from each of Avhom Jack Randall took a bill with a low bow, and carried it in his hand some little distance/until the vender demanded payment; Avhen he directly returned it, begging their pardon for the mistake, but saying that he thought, from their pressing solicitations, he was do- ing them a kindness in taking one. " Did you ever go to a concert, Simmy ?" inquired Jack. "Oh, yes," returned his friend; "very frequently: at the Hanover Square Rooms, and also at the Horns, at Kcnning- ton." "Oh, you mean the ten-and-sixpenny toucher," said Ran- dall. " To be sure; and don't you ?" "Oh, no, my man. I allude to the penny melody for the million, at a musical tavern." "I have never had that pleasure." " Then here Ave are," said Jack, as they approached the corner of Great Queen Street. "Noav, if you don't get value for your money, never trust me again." And perfectly ready to have accompanied his friend to the infernal regions— via the common sewer and gas-pipes, if he had wished it—Mr. Simpson Briggs begged Jack Randall would forthwith introduce him to the cheap temple of har- mony, 9 130 THE LOSDOS MEDICAL STUDENT. CHAPTER V. A FURTHER ACCOUNT OF THE DEBUT OF JACK RANDALL AND MR. SIMPSON BRIGGS IN PUBLIC. The mansion of melody, before Avhich Jack Randall and his friend now rested, had the appearance of a small private house which had come to distress, and was now forced to keep a gin- shop for its subsistence. A flaming placard in the window, whose component letters were staggering about as if they had taken a little too much, informed the public that there was a "Concert every Evening" within; and two long bills, wafered to the panes of glass, set forth in attractive display, the programme of the evening's amusement, the principal feature being the gladiatorial posturing of the Syrian Indefatigables. Upon paying a penny each to a dirty fellow who stood at the bar, Mr. Simpson Briggs and Jack Randall were allowed to ascend an exceedingly unsafe staircase to the first floor of the mansion, the whole of which was appropriated to the " Grand Concert Room." The apartment was decorated with tawdry daubings, which on a minute inspection were discov- ered to be intended for romantic views of imaginary locali- ties, where mountains, lakes, ships, Gothic ruins, Grecian temples, waterfalls, and Swiss cottages, Avere grouped together in magnificent confusion, as if the world had been put into a kaleidoscope, and tumbled about all ways to see how it would look perfectly broken to pieces. All the skies were endowed with perpetual sunset, merging from deep orange into dirt; all the water had little boats on its surface sailing any way they chose; and the whole series was mellowed with a chiaro- oscuro of gas and tobacco, which had a very fine effect, inas- much as it softened the outlines, and produced a series of tints which could not be obtained by other means. A series of rough benches were placed across the room, having ledges in front on which to stand whatever refresh- ments the company chose to indulge in—pipes and porter ap- parently forming the staple commodities of* the house. The company themselves were rather numerous than fashionable; but experience has proved that it is impossible to command an exclusively aristocratical audience in London for a penny, and so Jack Randall found them quite as select as be exrmeted. THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 131 They took their seats; and ordering a pot of half-and-half, aAvaited the commencement of the entertainment; in the in- terim reading two placards in the room, one of which con- veyed the following announcement: Remember! Don't Forget! The Tenth of December is the Night! The Bloomsbury Braiiam and the Little Wonder! A Stunner for a Penny! Come Early! These cabalistical inuendoes were as incomprehensible to Ran- dall and Briggs as they doubtless are to our readers; but the habitues of the room appeared perfectly to understand the attractions set forth. Another bill stated that " the Judge and Jury Society met there every Sunday evening;" the enter- tainment in question consisting of mock trials—a species of amusement much relished by the " gents " of London, the whole of the jokes and humor thereunto attached being brought down to the most debased standard of animal intel- lect. The commencement of the concert was announced by the waiter, who knocked a wooden hammer against the back of the door; and then some drapery was pulled up with a clothes- line, and discovered the orchestra—a recess about six feet square, part of it being occupied by an old jingling square piano. At the instrument was seated a melancholy-looking female, about five-and-forty years old, attired in a faded shawl and bonnet, of that fashion only to be met with in Drury- Lane on wet evenings. She immediately commenced thump- ing out some popular air upon the keys, with an enthusiasm which made Mr. Simpson Briggs wonder at the tenacity of the wires; but the piano appeared to have its spirit broken down by years of long unmitigated suffering, and now patiently put up with any infliction it encountered. " Give your orders, gents," shouted the waiter at the con- clusion of the "overture;" "give your orders, gents, and Mr. Lumson will oblige." , „r i The announcement was received with much tabular percus- sion- and the obiect of the applause suddenly leapt upon the platform, attired in a dirty frock-coat, dirtier waistcoat and very dirty shirt indeed. After some masonic communication 132 THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. with the pianiste, he fell into an attitude and sang "The White Squall," throwing such grand expressions into the words, " a hoccan grave/' that it quite frightened his audi- tors. When he had finished, the piano suffered another ten minutes' torture, and then, after another request from the waiter that the guests Avould give their orders, Mr. and Mrs. Simms "obliged"—the singer of the "White Squall" des- cending from the oivhestra, and, not at all proud, sitting doAvn amongst some of the company, and, resuming his pipe, just as if he had been a common mortal. Mr. Simms Avas a small man Avith somewhat the air of a journeyman glazier without his apron. He had on a pair of faded black trowsers which had evidently never been made for him, and shady Avhite Berlin gloves with remarkably long fingers, that would have rendered the process of picking up a sixpence from the table a task of extreme perplexity, had he felt inclined to do so. Mrs. Simms had on an elegant cloak, apparently worn inside out to look imposing; and two gaudy silver flowers were stuck in her hair, which had a very bril- liant effect. The lady and gentleman then sang a duet ex- pressive of the minor annoyances and desagremens attending the married state; and they quarrelled so naturally, that Jack Randall agreed with Mr. Briggs, "the perfection could only have been obtained by long and unceasing rehearsals at home." "What may I offer you to drink, ma'am?" said Jack Ran- dall with an air of extreme politeness, as the lady con- cluded. " You must need some little refreshment after your exertion." "I'll take a draught of your beer, if you please," replied Mrs. Simms. "Certainly," said Mr. Simpson Briggs, handing the pewter with much reverence to the lady. Then, turning to her hus- band, he continued,—" And you, sir—what will you do me the favor to drink with me ? " "I thank'ee, sir," replied Mr. Simms; "I'll take threepenn- 'orth of cold." Mr. Simpson Briggs had not the slightest idea what was meant by the professional gentleman, who, to judge from a perpetual short inspiration of air through his nose, and slight huskiness in the upper tones of his voice, had laid in a suf- ficient quantity of cold already; so he told him to o-ive his order to the Avaiter, and he would have the pleasure&of set- tling the account. THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 133 The curtain then fell, to prepare for the exhibition of "The Gladiators ; and when it rose again, the audience beheld two gentlemen in long drawers and cotton " jerseys," with their arms apparently thrust down the legs of stockings, and their hands and faces chalked and floured, who were standing in attitudes expressive of animosity. Then the piano uttered some imposing chords; and one of the gladiators threw his fist out in defiance toward one of the gas-lamps; and the other appeared to invoke the inmates of the second floor, first look- ing uncommonly savage at a crack in the ceiling, and then knocking his chest three times with his fist, which proceeding enveloped him in a cloud of Avhite dust—no doubt emblemati- cal of glory. Then they shoAved the audience how the an- cient Romans fought—Avhich was apparent!y5 by standing on their heads, getting upon one another's shoulders, hanging out at right angles with their foot around the neck of tfieir adA7ersary, tying themselves into knots, and various other very remarkable feats, which are certainly not adopted in the pu- gilistic encounters of the present day, but which nevertheless much edified Mr. Simpson Briggs and his friend. They ap- plauded the performance loudly, and declared it could not be surpassed—although a gentleman near them in a shiny hat and shirt-sleeves observed—" They fit a deal better the night as he seed 'em afore." When this division of the programme concluded, there was a slight hiatus in the amusements, as the gladiators divested themselves of their attire, and put on their every-day clothes, Avhich were also very much after the antique. Taking advan- tage of a temporary pause, Jack Randall rose from his seat, and, without saying a Avord about his intentions to his com- panion, thus addressed the company:— " Ladies and gentlemen—I have the pleasure to inform you that my esteemed friend on my right—" " What the devil are you going at?" inquired Mr. Simpson Briggs, half-frightened, as Randall placed his hand upon his shoulder. " Or-der!" shouted a voice from the end of the room. "Hush! I'll tell you," replied Randall. "My esteemed friend on my right," he continued, "has commissioned me to inform you, that he is so delighted with the harmony, he wishes to contribute to it himself." "Jack—hang it!—don't be a fool;" again interrupted Briggs. 134 THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. " His natural modesty," persevered Jack Randall, " prevents his telling you so himself." And then, looking doubly mys- terious, he added—" You little know who he is." At these Avords most of the people in the room rose from their seats to peep over one another's shoulders at the illus- trious visitor, Avho, knowing that when Jack Randall had once started upon any subject, you might as soon attempt to stop a mail-train with a turnpike of barley-sugar, gave him- self up for lost, and allowed his friend to go on. "Nephew of the immortal Rubini," continued Jack, "by his uncle's side, he only Avaits the certain retirement of his gifted relative to appear at the Opera. In the mean time, he delights his friends; and, with your permission, the gentleman on my right—Mr. Allen Harrison Templeton Briggs—will favor us with the celebrated comic song from the opera of 'Semir- amide,' or, 'The British Worthy;' and, on this occasion only, he will sing it with the chill off, and a cinder in it." And amidst the vociferous cheers of the company, who an- ticipated something immensely grand, Jack Randall seized Mr. Simpson Briggs by the arm, and literally dragged him into the platform—the people taking his resistance for the modesty of real talent, and in consequence redoubling their applause. CHAPTER VI. THE CONCLUSION OF THE CONCERT. "Noav, Ladies and Gentlemen, but especially the Ladies," said Jack Randall, as he dragged Mr. Briggs to the front of the stage, with the air of a manager leading forward a debu- tant, avIio exhibits the pantomimic reluctance at the prompt side of the proscenium usual upon such occasions__"Mv friend, Mr. Allen Harrison Templeton Briggs, has every song at his command that was ever known, and he wishes vou to name your favorite one." There was an instant of silence after this announcement no one liking to make the first choice. But presently the gen- tleman in the shiny hat and shirt-sleeves, begged Briggs would oblige the company with "Spare that 'ere tree." This em THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 135 couraged others to solicit their favorite ballads; and the whole audience began simultaneously to call out for the son«s they most wished to hear, which included "Halice Gray'" " The Single Young Man Lodger," "My Art's in the Islands/' and "Hot Codlins;" but the popular desire was certainly in favor of a lyrical effusion which appeared very well known to the frequenters of the concert under the title of " O crikey! don't I love my mother?" a burst of natural affection, which in point of intensity could be equalled but by few ballad- writers of the present day. During this period Mr. Simpson Briggs had been apparently enacting the struggles of "The Gladiators" over again with Jack Randall, in his strenuous efforts to free himself from the grasp of his pertinacious friend. But Jack had seized hold of his collar with the clutch of a cast-iron policeman, and, taking advantage of the violent struggles of Mr. Briggs, turned it to account by calling out, " Imitation of Messrs. Blanchard and Ellsgood in the drunken combat of the Dumb Girl of Genoa." This speech he followed up by springing and stamping about in the most approved melodramatic style, nevertheless keeping a firm hold of his friend. The elderly female at the piano, imagining that it was all intended, began to play some of the same Avild chords with which she was wont to accom- pany the evolutions of the Syrian Indefatigables; and at the same time the company, taking it all for granted, came down Avith thunders of approbation, which increased as Mr. Briggs became more and more energetic in his efforts to get loose. At last he collected all his force, and with a violent spring broke aAvay from Randall, and tumbled off the platform, com- ing down all in a heap upon the nearest table, Avhich fortu- nately had only pewter pots upon it, or the damage would have been most extensive. Another cheer greeted this feat, which was also supposed to be part of the performance by the spectators; and then, as a concluding hit, Jack threw himself into a posture of triumph, and informed the company it was a representation of "Achilles slaying the learned Hygeist," being the first Avords that came uppermost, and having a rela- tion in sound, if not in sense, with the name of some statue he had seen on the terrace-garden at Windsor Castle. " What a fool you are, Jack," was the salutation with which Mr. Briggs greeted his companion, as Randall, having bowed 136 THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. to the audience, stepped from the platform and resumed his seat. "Hush! hold your tongue," replied Jack.—"Great lark- immense—they think it was all meant." "Song! song! song!" cried many voices from different parts of the room. "Hear—they insist upon your singing," said Jack—sotto voce, to Mr. Briggs. " Oh—nonsense! you know I can't. I never sang a note in my life." "All right, sir. I'll make an apology, and sing one myself." Whereupon Jack Randall rose, and, turning to the com- pany, informed them " that the exertions of his friend had somewhat disabled him from complying with their request, but that, with their permission, he would attempt, though he was laboring under a cold, to contribute to the convivial har- mony of the evening." Fresh applause followed his speech; the audience did not appear particularly to care who the song came from, provided they got one; and Jack Randall, with all the assurance in the Avorld, once more ascended the platform. He understood enough of music, to be able to get through a trifling piano accompaniment, and having requested " The pianist," with much politeness, to vacate her seat in his favor, he took his place at the instrument. There was a little confusion created at first starting off, by the leg of the music-stool getting into a hole in the floor, that had been made for the insertion of a post when the wonderful man-monkey exhibited his superna- tural performances, which, the bill stated, " placed him at once on an equality with the animal creation." This little accident was awkward, inasmuch as it shot Jack Randall off his perch: but immediately recovering, he favored the com- pany Avith a ballad which alluded to a young lady passing through the different stages of maid, wife, and widow, under the various head-dresses of a wreath of roses, orange flowers, and weeds; and proving the keen observation of Jack Ran- dall, who made very minute remarks on her appearance, although he confessed that he saw her but a moment; "but," added he, looking at a dirty piece of music before him, upon which some vivacious predecessor had drawn a lady's profile, taking a sight, " methinks I see her now." Had Jack Randall been ambitious, the reception which the song met with, from all except the regularly engaged profes- THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 137 sionals, would have incited him to further displays of his musical and vocal talent. But recollecting the grand secret of success in life, to retire when you have made a good im- pression, he acknowledged the plaudits of the company by a very magnificent boAv, and having requested they would do him the favor to drink his health in a gallon of half-and-half, which he would settle for with the waiter, he resumed his seat. "I ask your pardon, sir," said a very cadaverous-looking man, approaching him; "I ask your pardon, sir, but my bene- fit is fixed for the tenth of December. I am the Bloomsbury Braham, what is mentioned in the bill. If you would give me a song, you would greatly oblige me." " Oh certainly, certainly," replied Jack. " Two or three, any songs, all sorts of songs—comic, Italian, or mentisentaV Then raising his voice he added, to the room in general:— " Ladies and gentlemen, "The hour is come that we must part; but the remem- brance of the happy evening we have passed together, will never be eradicated whilst memory holds her seat in my brain's parliament. In the name of my friend, Mr. Allen Harrison Templeton Briggs, Avhom you have not heard to- night, but who trusts on some future opportunity, not far distant, to have the pleasure of again contributing to your enjoyment, we respectfully bid you farewell." And amidst a storm of concussions, in which the tables suf- fered considerably from the bottoms of the pewter pots, the two students left the room, and sallied out once more into the open air. The theatres were just over, and all was noise and confu- sion amongst the carriages assembled, except the vehicles at the private box entrance of Drury Lane, whose drivers and footmen had been quietly sleeping on their boxes for the last hour and a half, and required nothing less than an actual per- sonal insult to arouse them. As soon as they had passed the stage door, and the usual crowd of loungers about it—friends of the drum, cousins of the thunder, and convivial acquaintances of the first citizen and second peasant, Jack quietly informed Mr. Briggs "that it was his intention to arouse the ire of the John Thomases." T , ,-, , n From a keen observance of human nature, Jack Randall had observed, in his nightly perambulations that when coach- men go to sleep upon their box, which is the invariable re- 138 THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. suit of waiting above twenty minutes in the open an, they always let their whip drop upon their left arm, towards the near side of the carriage, and supported in a measure by the knees of the footmen, who are snoring at their side. Jack consequently found the thongs of all the whips belonging to the coachmen of the company in the private boxes hanging over the pavement, like so many fishing lines. So he tugged down every one that came in his way, with a sudden jerk, and then let it fly back again, startling the coachman from his slumbers, with the general accompaniment of a flick in the face from the thong, as the lash recoiled. By the time he was awake, Jack and Mr. Briggs had walked on to another car- riage, and this facetious amusement was repeated until the whole line was in a state of great excitement trying to catch him with the lash of their Avhips—which intended punishment ahvays fell upon the next passer-by—or saluting him with such jocular speeches as "There goes two tailors!" "Halloo! you counter-jumpers, here's your master a-coming;" or "Are you out for the night ?" to which last inquiry Jack generally re- plied that he was, with the key, and that his mother didn't know it. After a few more practical jokes, at the expense of the ham-sandwich men, and the venders of "Frrrruit'-pie orrrr-ra meat!" for gallery consumption, Mr. Briggs avowed his inten- tion of going home, because, as we have stated, his landlady was religiously rheumatic, and did not like Medical Students or late lodgers. And Jack Randall, who could not get to sleep if he went to bed before three in the morning, wan- dered into the parlors of various taverns, to see if he could find some acquaintances in any of them to sup with, conclud- ing his evening in a most unexpected manner, to which, in all probability, we may hereafter refer. CHAPTER VII. HOW MR. SIMPSON BRIGGS WAS COMPELLED TO LEAVE HIS LODGINGS. Soon after the events of the last chapter, the usual placid- ity of mind which Mr. Simpson Briggs enjoyed, was some- what startled by a letter he received from home. The epis- tle, which was from his governor, went to state, that as the THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 139 lectures were nearly oyer, he feared his son would only idle about in London, and had therefore better return to his home • which was somewhere on the line of the Southampton Rail- way, and rejoiced in a kind of lath-and-plaster omnibus, which ran at all kinds of odd hours to meet the trains; and never started at the same hour tAvo consecutive weeks, after the manner of railway omnibuses in general. Now this desire on the part of the old gentleman to have his son at home was exceedingly inconvenient to Mr. Simpson Briggs for several reasons. Firstly he had no wish to return; secondly, he owed for three months' lodging, and people lately had got into a nasty habit of expecting to be paid for their goods; and thirdly, if he went, he would be expected to pay his debts. At present, he lived upon credit from his landlady, who, being a pious old lady, as we have stated, thought him a very quiet, steady young man, was ignorant that he Avas a medical student, and from his noiseless habits, not only trusted him so long, but would even have lent him five pounds had he wanted it. He was ruminating what he should do, with the letter in his hand on the morning he received it ; when his meditations were broken by a most discordant noise in the street below, resembling a tune played backwards on a cracked horn, and followed by shouts of " Yo-he-o ! " " Lurli-e-ty ! " and other vivacious outbursts of mirth. He immediately, to his extreme horror, recognized Jack Randall's voice, whom he had always studiously avoided asking to his lodgings; for knowing the rather exuberant hilarity of his disposition, he feared that his presence might offend his quiet old landlady, and procure him a notice to pay for and quit his abode at the same time. And Jack Randall had been in general very considerate, and not at all obtrusive ; but he was in superabundant spirits this morning, and evidently boiling over with something he wished to tell his companion. " I say, old fellow, let us up, will you ? " was the question that greeted Mr. Briggs as he opened the window, and put his head out to check Randall's hullaballoo. " Well, come up, if you must," replied Simpson, in a tone of resignation ; " but why are you kicking up that awful riot ? " " All right," replied Jack; "I only wanted to see if you were at home." And thereupon he pulled the bell, and knocked at the door, and bleAV the horn all at once with a per- 140 THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. severance that threw the whole household into convulsion; and no one could have told which was the most alarmed—Mr. Simpson Briggs or his landlady. In two miimtes more Jack Randall had clattered up stairs and entered the room. He looked exceedingly rakish, and had evidently been knocking about all night; which manner of passing the hours devoted to slumber having rendered him rather thirsty than otherwise, his first speech was an inquiry as to the presence of beer in any of Briggs' secret closets. _ A bottle of stout was forthwith produced from some mysterious recess, which Jack Randall emptied into a pewter pot he found in the hat-box, stating it was very low to drink beer out of glasses. And having pronounced his state of health to be much better after his imbibition, he proceeded to exhibit an old cornet-d-piston he held in his hand, which he had just pur- chased at a second-hand shed, and then offered to give Briggs a specimen of its tone. "No, don't—pray don't!" cried Simpson, quite alarmed: " you'll tire yourself." ""Not at all, my dear fellow," said Randall, putting the instrument to his mouth, and producing a serious of sounds seldom equalled and never excelled. "There," he continued, as he stopped for lack of wind, "there! what do you think of that? I mean to play it down to the races—how are you going ? " "I don't think I shall go at all," answered Simpson; "the governor wants me at home. How are you going ? " "All right," said Jack, "on a soda-water truck; devilish pleasant way, too, when the corks dont fly with the heat. Look here," he continued, darting off to another subject, as he took a small quill from his pocket; " here's a funny thing ?" And to show the powers of this instrument to his friend, he poured some beer in the inkstand, and inserting one end of the quill into the liquid, blew through the other, when a loud whistle was the result, bearing a close resemblance to the chirp of a bird. "It beats Herr Von Joel hollow, don't it?" he asked, with admiration, as the performance con- cluded; "I gave a penny for it, as I came along in the Recent Incision." "The what?" asked Simpson. "The Recent Incision—it's the polite name for the New Cut. Let's give the people in the street the benefit of it." " No, don't, Jack," earnestly implored Briggs. THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 141 "What prime plants you've got there!" said Randall, heedless of Simpson's petition, and opening the window, on the outside ledge of which avoiv displayed several flower-pots of mignonette and other cockney floricultural favorites. "They look very dry, though—don't you think I had better give them a little beer ? " "No—what are you thinking about?" cried Briggs, in agony; "you'll kill them." " Devil a bit," returned Jack. " It '11 do them good—make them blow all colors at once;" and without another word, he distributed about a pint of stout over the hapless flowers, which running over, dripped down upon the heads of the peo- ple who were passing below, and produced a storm of saluta- tions far more expressive of choler than courtesy. "There!—see what mischief you are doing," said Mr. Briggs. " Now, come and sit down quietly, and tell us Avhat you did last night after the concert. I left you in Covent Garden." " Well, I went and played billiards, at the rooms we gener- ally patronize, and lost five shillings—all I had, except six- pence." "I know that table, well," said Briggs; " I ought to; I was locked out one night, and slept upon it. They made me pay nine shillings in the morning for my bed." " How so ?" asked Jack Randall. " Six hours' use of the table, at eighteen-pence an hour," returned Simpson. " Well, cut on, and where did you get to next ?" " I went to Evans'! There I had a pint of stout, and sang a song." "Oh! gammon, Jack!" observed Mr. Briggs, in atone of disbelief. " True bill, sir," answered Randall. " I'll sing it now." " Oh, don't, don't—pray don't!" cried Briggs. " I tell you, you musn't make a noise here." But Randall did not appear to heed the trouble of his friend, but cleared his throat as if in preparation, and then broke out into a run of such wonderful facility and execution, that there is no knowing where it would have ended, if a knock at the door had not interrupted it, and an accompany- ing voice, which uttered, "If you please, Mr. Briggs, missus will thank you to be a little quieter, because there's a sick lady in the house." 142 THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. "There now, Jack!" cried Briggs. "See what a scrape you will get me into. Never mind the song—you can sing it to me another time. Where did you go next ?" " Oh—I forgot to tell you," answered Randall; "I met two cf the students at Evans'—Robinson and Parry, with a new man named Hicks, whom they were showing life to, and tell- ing him all the lies they could possibly invent. Poor fellow!" " What makes you say poor fellow ?" " Because he's in the police-office, and will be brought up at Bow-street this morning." " How's that ?" asked Simpson. " Why, I think he ate too many poached eggs, and they rather exhilarated him: for when we got into Covent Gar- den, he would insist upon trying to drag us in a vegetable cart. He lifted up the shafts to do it, when the cart, which was loaded with turnips, was overbalanced, and tipped up backwards. The chain, which went across from one shaft to the other, caught hold of him, and lifted him up like a swing into the air, and there he sat." "Well, and what did you do ?" "We saw the policeman, and ran away as fast as we could. Hicks was nailed, and I suppose by this time has paid his five shillings—very little lark for five shillings, though—was it not ?" " Uncommon," replied Mr. Briggs. " And where did you go next ?" "Why, I can't exactly remember," said Randall, whose ideas of his subsequent adventures appeared to be rather in- distinct. " But you see, here I am, all right and fresh as a lark. I say, Avhat have you got for breakfast ?" Mr. Simpson Briggs was compelled to confess that there was not a great deal in the house. Whereon Randall took upon himself to find out, and having looked into various closets and boxes, at last opened the chest which we have spoken of before as communicating with the floor below. "Halloo!" he cried, with some astonishment, "What the deuce is this? I can see right down into the room under- neath—Halloo!" "Hush! for goodness' sake, don't kick up that row, Jack. The place was formerly an eating-house, and the dishes used to come up there from the kitchen." "I know," said Randall, imitating the tone of a waiter and THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 143 bawling down the chest—"One ox, two mocks, three bullies, and a mutton to follow! " "You will ruin me!" cried in Briggs, in despair. "There's a very quiet man lives down there; and my landlady is so par- ticular, that I shall certainly be told to go if you continue this diabolical uproar." But the whole affair was so novel, that Jack Randall's ex- citement rose to the highest pitch; and intimating his wish to treat the gentleman to a little music, he seized the cornet, and blew a blast down it, that might have been heard on the other side of the street, and, in all probability, on the other side of the water. CHAPTER VIII. HOW MR. SIMPSON BRIGGS LEFT HIS LODGINGS. The only way to keep Jack Randall at all quiet was to give him something to eat and drink. Begging him, there- fore, to restrain his musical and harmonic propensities whilst he called for the servant, he sent her out for some coffee and bloaters, which he hoped would keep Jack's mouth somewhat tranquil by completely filling it. He then produced a ma- chine, bearing some resemblance to a tin bandbox, which he placed with great importance on the table. "What the devil's that?" asked Jack. "A Bachelor's Despatch," replied Mr. Briggs. "This will roast, boil, bake, stew, steam, heat flat-irons, melt butter, cook eggs, toast bread, and diffuse a genial warmth, all at once, with a ha'porth of brown paper." "That's your sort," said Jack, " let it off then." But this was not so easily done; for Randall, in his hilar- ity, had poured some beer into the box of lucifers which was somewhat against their lighting; and after several vain at- tempts, he proposed borrowing some of Mr. Spiff underneath. But Mr Spiff did not chance to be at home, so that Mr. Briggs, who knew he kept his lucifers on the top of a bureau, opened the chest of communication, and fished down it Avith a pair of tono-s finally producing the desired matches, after having in turns brought up some lobster's shells, a pewter go (which, if 144 THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. everybody had their own, would possibly have belonged to Mr. Rhodes), and then something which was very like a woman's cap. Fire was then produced, and the "despatch" set in ac- tion—brown paper being discarded from not having any, and the want of it clandestinely supplied by Jack, partly from the notes Mr. Briggs had taken at lectures; and partly from some hay which he secretly pulled out of the old easy-chair. The coffee arrived, and the breakfast was made, our friends laying the cloth on the top of the chest, because the tablo was covered with articles of study and recreation—books, pipes, inkstands, pewter-pots, and tobacco-jars. "Jack," said Mr. Briggs, mysteriously to his companion, when their hunger was somewhat appeased, "Jack, I want to tell you something." "Out with it, then," replied Randall. "But you'll laugh?" "No, I won't—honor." "Well, then," resumed Briggs, with some hesitation, "I think I'm in love." Jack Randall finished cramming the tails of the herrings into the bowl of Mr. Briggs' pipe, in which occupation he had been quietly engaged; and, looking the other steadfastly irr the face, exclaimed— " Gammon, Simmy! Who ever heard of a Medical Student being in love ? " " I'm afraid I am, though," replied Mr. Briggs, with a sigh. "Such a nice little girl!—quite well conducted and respect- able." "Oh, of course—of course," replied Jack. "Where did you meet her?" "On the top of Primrose-hill, last Sunday; all amongst the nuts and bull's-eyes. She keeps a bonnet-shop in Cranbourne- alley. I bought one of her own bonnets, and made her a present of it." " More fool you," said Jack, briefly. " Not at all," replied Simpson, half* angry. " I gave her a handkerchief, besides, with a Union Jack on it—a flag, you know." "I know," said Jack. "The wizard at the theatre had one, that went here, there, everywhere, and nowhere, all at once." And here Randall caught up the tea-caddy, and was going to show Mr. Briggs some necromantic performances thereon, THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 145 when the lid of the chest which formed their table was sud- denly elevated, the whole of the breakfast equipage shot off upon the ground, and the head of Mr. Spiff, perfectly uncon- scious of the confusion he had created, appeared in the box, quietly asking— " I say, Briggs, have you got my lucifers ? " Jack Randall went off at once into a roar of laughter, and Mr. Briggs got exceedingly irate. He thrust the lucifers into Spiff's hand Avithout saying a word—for, indeed, he was some- what overcome at the sudden chute, and, putting down the lid almost before the head of the intruder was out of the way, sat down upon it, and contemplated the ruin around him. "Never mind," said Jack, with noble philosophy; "let us set to work and pick up the things; we can make all straight in two minutes." And in his laudable attempt to absorb the coffee spilt on the chest and floor, he pulled out a large flag handkerchief to wipe it up, which he had no sooner displayed, than Briggs uttered a cry of terror, and exclaimed— " I say, Jack! where did you get that ? " "Oh," said Randall, laughing with the most wicked fun; "A young lady gave it to me—quite well conducted and respectable—keeps a bonnet-shop in Cranbourne-alley. I met her on Primrose-hill." "What a horrid occurrence! " exclaimed Briggs, pale with astonishment. "That's the very handkerchief I gave my sweetheart!" " What a joke!" replied Randall, laughing. "Now, come, I don't Avant to cross your love: we'll toss up who shall pay his ticlcirGSSGS to her. "I'm sure I'll do no such thing," said Briggs, whose dignity was quite offended. m "Well, then, we'll fight for her hand, like the knights of old," continued Jack. " I can't fight, and I won't," replied Briggs. " Yes, you can. I don't mean with fists, you know; bolsters are the things." And in an instant this vivacious gentleman had pulled open the turn-up bedstead, and dragged a pillow and bolster from ,tS"Now,S'come on," said Jack. "I'll keep the pillow, and there's the bolster for you. The long odds are on your side. 10 116 THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. " I tell you I Avon't fight," said Briggs, getting near the window, which Avas open. "Pshaw! come on," cried Randall; and hurling the pilhnv at Briggs, who stooped to avoid it, it went right through the window, knocking aAvay the regiment of flower-pots, which immediately fell into the street, and an awful smash was the result. " There—you have been and done it," cried Briggs, " that's the last move. The flower-pots have fallen on the china and glass stall ; you've broken a pound's worth of crockery, and we haven't got half-a-crown to pay for it." "I beg your pardon there,"said the imperturbable Randall, " I think we've got a good deal to pay for it." " Well, this is a settler!" cried Briggs. "I'm off at all hazards, and seizing a carpet-bag from a peg, be rapidly be- gan to cram his things into it. Tavo minutes had scarcely elapsed, before a noise was heard of people ascending the stairs, Jack divined their business and immediately bolted the door, as one of the assailants knocked at it. " Where's Mr. Briggs ? " cried a voice from the outside, Avhich sounded very like a policeman's. " You can't see him," cried Jack in return, " He's ill in bed—I'm putting some leeches on him." " But I saw this pillow fall down upon the glass, from his room," said the voice. " No, no," returned Jack. " It's a mistake, it came from the floor above." At this instant a horn sounded in the street, and Briggs ran to the window. "I knew it," he cried ; "its the South- ampton railway bus. If I can but get out, I am saved." " Get down the chest," said Randall, " I think everybody in the house is up here on the landing." " Open the door," cried the voices. "Wait an instant till the leeches come off," said Jack, in re- ply. " We will break it open," cried the invaders. "Do if you dare," said Jack ; and pushing the turn-up bed- stead against it, he blew a fearful note of defiance on his cor- net. The crisis had arrived; Mr. Briggs, in the short interim, had crammed all of his effects into his fishing-basket and carpet-bag; the beauty of which latter article is, that it is never so full but you can put something else in. Beg^mo- a THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 147 rapid pardon for the intrusion, he threw his things down in- to Spiff's room, and followed by Randall, descended after them, letting the lid close over their heads. In another min- ute, he had gained the street unopposed ; for, as Jack had suspected, all the people of the house were up on the landing outside their door. The omnibus was at the end of the street; a short run enabled him to overtake it, and plunge into .the seclusion of its interior ; and Jack Randall, after telling Mr. Spiff he should be happy to serve him in a like strait, and begging he would tell the landlady that Mr. Briggs left all effects they could find for the benefit of his creditors, also took a hurried departure. That same evening Mr. Simpson Briggs was located in safety at home, and Jack Randall having got his certificates signed, of his first course of lectures, was once more domi- ciled with his old friend Mr. Muff, at Clodpole. Peace, and plenty of patients, be their portion. 8 o * i jo Aavaan tvnouvn 3NOIQ3W jo xavaa Y O- MEDICINE NATIONAL LIBRARY OF A/,! }ia3w jo Aavaan tvnouvn t WtRT= _ •'CoDLITO»N P» ftPT ■• 3NOI03W jo Aavaan tvnouvn 3NiDia3w jo Aavaan i NLM053013022