NATIONAL LIBRARY OF MEDICINE Washington Founded 1836 U. S. Department of Health, Education, and Welfare Public Health Service /^sse/voeV, //A^.&^-*~) 28 44��759400438239353� THE MODERN PHILOSOPHER; OR TERRIBLE TRACTORATION! IN FOUR CANTOS, MOST respectfully addressed to the royal col- lege of PHYSICIANS, LONDON. BY CHRISTOPHER CAUSTICK, M. D. A.S.S. EELLOW OF THE ROYAL COLLEGE OF PHYSICIANS, ABER- DEEN, AND HONORARY MEMBER OF NO LESS THAN NINETEEN VERY LEARNED SOCIETIES. SECOND AMERICAN EDITION, REVISED, CORRECTED, AND MUCH ENLARGED BY THE AUTHOR. PHILADELPHIA : FROM THE LORENZO PRESS OF E. BR0NS0N. M 1806. *, DISTRICT OFPENNSYLV'JJV1'J, TO WIT: BE IT REMEMBERED, that on the eleventh day of (L. S.) June, in the thirtieth year of the independence of the United States of America, A. D. 1806, Thomas Green Fessenden, of the said district, hath deposited in this office the title of a book, the right whereof he claims as author, in the words following, to wit; " The Modern Philosopher, or Terrible Tractoration! in four cantos, most respectfully addressed to the royal college of phy- sicians, London. By Christopher Caustick, m. d. a.s.s. Fellow of the Royal College of Physicians, Aberdeen, and honorary mem- ber of no less than nineteen very learned societies. Second American edition, revised, corrected, and much enlarged by the author." In conformity to the act of the congress of the United States, entitled, " An act for the encouragement of learning, by securing the copies of maps, charts, and books, to the authors and proprietors of such copies during the times therein mentioned." And also to the act, entitled " An act supplementary to an act, entitled, " An act for the encouragement of learning, by securing the copies of maps, charts, and books, to the authors and proprietors of such copies during the times therein mentioned, and extending the bene- fits thereof to the arts of designing, engraving, and etching histo- aical and other prints." D.CALDWELL, Clerk of the district of Pennsylvania. JOSEPH DENNIE, ESQUIRE, THE FOLLOWING POEM IS INSCRIBED BY HIS AFFECTIONATE FRIEND AND HUMBLE SERVANT, THOMAS GREEN FESSENDEN PREFACE TO THE SECOND AMERICAN EDITION. IN the preface of the publisher of the first American edition of this work, some statements relative to its origin, together with a concise biographical sketch of its author, have been presented to the publick. That preface, however, having been written before my return from England, and without my knowledge, cannot be supposed to be perfectly correct in all its particulars; and though I highly appre- ciate the friendly motives which appear to have actuated the publisher in penning it, yet 1 hope he will pardon mc if, instead of an advocate, I now appear in propria persona and explain a little more at large the topicks and events of which he has taken, notice. Previous to my journey to England, for the purposes hereafter to be stated, my life had been checkered with but little variety ; and I shall merely state such prominent events as may be necessary to account for my having made my literary debut in the uncommon character of an Ame- rican author in London. VI PREFACE. My father is a clergyman, who has been settled in Walpole, in New Hampshire, more than forty years. He is by no means in affluent circumstances, and I am the eldest of eight children yet living. I acquired a collegiate education, and graduated at Dartmouth college in New Hampshire, in August 1796. The expenses of my educa- tion were principally defrayed by my own exertions. During the vacations I eked out my finances by instructing a vil- lage school, and added sometimes a pittance to my purse by teaching psalmody a number of evenings in each week, after having finished my daily avocations as a pedagogue. In, the autumn of the year 1796, I commenced the study of law at Rutland, in Vermont. After completing my stu- dies I began business in partnership with Nathaniel Chip- man, Esq. formerly a senator in congress, and a gentle- man who is placed by his legal, literary, and scientifick attainments in the highest rank of American worthies. While member of the university and student at law, I often amused myself and perhaps sometimes my friends, by poetical effusions, many of which were published in the Laypreacher's Gazette, edited by Joseph Dennie, Esq. and The Eagle, a newspaper printed at Dartmouth. Some of these poems I have since published in England, and they have, likewise, been republished in a work just issued from the Lorenzo Press of E. Bronson, Esq. In the spring of the year 1801, I was employed as an agent for a respectable company, formed in Vermont for the purpose of securing a patent in London of a new invented bydraulick machine. This machine was the invention of a Mr. Langdon (not mine as has been stated by some of my good friends in this country.) I was likewise a member of this company, and thus became deeply interested in its success as one of the principals as well as agent. I was urged to hurry my departure in consequence of a report in circulation that certain persons by stealth had made them- PREFACE. Vli selves master of the invention, and were determined to anticipate us in our object of securing a patent in London. In consequence of this report, the experiments which were made with this machine were performed in a hasty manner. The machine itself was complicated with parts which were of no use, and are not worth a description. The only principle which gave it any apparent superiority to the common pump was not stated in the patent speci- fication. By the aid of this principle, however, which we shall presently describe, water was raised in a hasty ex- periment through leaky tin pipes, apparently by suction or the pressure of the atmosphere alone, forty-two feet from the surface of the fountain to the bottom of the cylinders in which the pistons were worked. From these experiments, it should seem that some new principle in the laws of hydraulicks was developed; as the simple pressure of the atmosphere can never elevate water to a greater height than thirty-four feet. But my principal hopes of deriving benefit from this machine- consisted in its property of drawing water from a distance through pipes, ascending from the fountain to the place of delivery on a principle not dissimilar to what is now in practice in England, and for the application of which a lucrative patent was obtained by a Mr. Dalby* I embarked from New York the fifth of May, and arrived in London, after a tedious passage, the fourth of July. I waited on Mr. King, then ambassadour from the United States, to whom I had letters, and was by him favoured with a letter to Mr. Nicholson, an eminent philosopher and chymist, at Soho square. With this gentleman I had several interviews on the subject of my hydraulick machine, and from him received an opinion in writing, stating his unfavourable view of its merits. I likewise made a number of experiments in London, with a different result from what I had seen in Vermont. viii. PREFACE. In this desperate situation of the adventure, I received a letter from one if the Vermont company, informing that there was a deception in the patent That by some ex- periments made subsequent to my departure for London it appeared that no water could be raised by Lahgdon's in- vention higher than by the common pump, unless by a per* foration in the pipe, which made what the inventor called an air hole; and which by him had been kept a secret, and not mentioned in the patent specification.* This per- foration, by admitting air into the pipe, lessened the gravity of the column of water and caused it to rise some feet higher than it could be forced by the simple pressure of the atmosphere. I troubled Mr. Nicholson again with this last principle : he informed me that a similar deception had been practised on the academicans at Paris, but that the trick was discovered by the hissing noise made by the air rushing into the aperture in the pipe. My next essay was an attempt to improve on the prin- ciple last developed, by which a column of water might be raised higher than it could be carried by the simple pres- sure of the atmosphere, by admitting air into the pipe to assist in its ascent. This I shall briefly sketch, and I hope to make my meaning intelligible without a diagram. Suppose the simple apparatus of what is commonly called a suction pump, moved by steam or any other power, were placed at the top of a pipe leading sixty feet perpendi- cular height from the fountain and the air exhausted from the pipe by the operation of its piston. The water would rise in this pipe thirty-three feet and two-thirds nearly, leaving a vacuum from the surface of the water thus elevat- ed in the pipe, to the bottom of the piston. At the height * This was such a fraud in the inventor, that by every principle of law and reason the patent Was void, and no contract founded on it could be valid. PREFACE. i* of thirty feet from the fountain I would have a valve in the pipe, opening upwards. Immediately above this, a pipe branching horizontally from the main pipe to what I will call a second pump box, from which the air would be ex- hausted by the operation of the piston at the top of the main pipe. In the top of the second pump box I would likewise place a small valve opening upwards. This valve should communicate with a piece of cork or other light wood appended to the valve by a rod within the box. The air being exhausted within the machine, the water would rise and flow into the second pump box, and by floating the wood, would lift the valve at the top of the box, the air would rush in, and shutting the valve below, operate by its spring or pressure to force the water into the box at the top of the main pipe. If the main pipe were continued to a greater perpendi- cular height from the fountain, suppose ninety feet, by placing a third pump box, branching pipe and valves simi- lar to the second and its apparatus as above described, and an exhaustion made at the top of the pipe, the water would be raised by renovated pressure of the. atmosphere ninety feet; and by a succession of similar machinery, to any height short of that in which the pressure of the atmos- phere would cease to operate. This invention I proposed to apply to raising water from deep wells, coal mines, &q. and in situations where it was necessary to raise water a great height, but impossible or inconvenient to apply the machinery of a common lifting or forcing pump. Having completed a tolerable sketch by way of a dia- gram of this invention, I consulted Mr. Nicholson, and some other gentlemen of mechanical skill, respecting its merits. They all agreed that it was new, ingenious, and might be in some situations useful; but thought that the expense of a patent, which in England is near £120 and fbe difficulty of obtaining patronage for a new thing, 2 X PREFACE. though it might be really useful, ought to deter me from attempting to prosecute my improvement. I now relinquished all hopes of being able to effect any thing beneficial to my empldyers or myself by Langdon's machine, or by any possible modification of any of its principles, and in August 1801 was preparing to return to America. At this juncture, an American introduced himself tome at my lodgings in the Strand, whom I had never before seen. He informed me that he was the inventor of a new and curious machine for grinding corn and other useful purposes, for which he had obtained a patent. That sir William Staines, then mayor of London, was at the head of a company for carrying his patent into effect.—That he had sold one fourth part of his patent for £500 sterling to a~ gentleman who was a great mechanick, a person of much respectability, a city surveyor, and possessed of a large property—That he, the inventor, had built a num- ber of mills in America, and was fully competent to direct, in every particular, respecting his invention. He produced the counterpart of his assignment of one fourth part of his patent, in which £500 was expressed as the considera- tion of the deed. I found on inquiry that he had married the daughter of a clergyman, settled in London, and a person of respectable appearance, and I saw no reason to disbelieve any of his statements. This adventurer likewise produced a small model of his machine, which seemed to be the work of considerable ingenuity. At length, after some hesitation and inquiry, I was prevailed on to pur- chase one fourth of the patent, and was sufficiently pu- nished for my temerity. The mayor soon took the liberty of seceding from the concern. The rich partner who was prior to me in the purchase of a part of the patent, was not exactly so rich, nor PREfACE. xi quite so respectable as? had been represented. The £500 stated to have been paid by him was only a nominal sum to induce others to purchase. The patentee sold out, and I found that no ordinary exertions were necessary to prevent the total failure of the whole scheme. A company of four persons was now formed to build a machine, on a cheap scale, on the Thames, which, it was hoped, would display the principles . of the patent, and perform work enough to requite the expense of construction. In order to become in some measure competent to ren- der assistance in this undertaking I set about investigating the principles on which a machine ought to be built, which would come within the patent. From the writings of Smeaton, Ferguson, the Encyclopaedia Britannica, and some other authors who had treated on such branches of mechanical philosophy as were connected with this subject compared with experiments, which had been made with a view to this patent, I was able to develop its principles and recommended such rules as those concerned have been taught by experience to adopt. But I found myslf con- nected with men who despised science, who could not even comprehend my statements, and who proceeded in spite of my remonstrances to spoil the machine. After suf- fering no small degree of vexation, fatigue, and anxiety, I induced to attempt to make my pen subsidiary to my support. In the prosecution of this last plan, I published Terrible Tractoration, and a volume of Original Poems, both of which met a favourable reception by the publick, and were recommended by professional criticks. Those, however, who are best acquainted with me, will do me the justice to believe, that I never should have written a work calculated to give the tractors favourable notice, had I not fully believed in their efficacy. As con- ductors of animal electricity, and in principle allied to the Galvanick stimulants, even their modus operandi may be 3tU fREFACE. in a great measure explained:* and the cases of their hav- ing performed cures are attested by too many respectable characters, both in Europe and America, to render it pos- sible that they should be an illusion. I likewise found that though by many they were condemned as the offspring of quackery, their most bitter opponents were generally men who deserved to be ranked with the Solomons and Brodums who disgrace the profession of physickf. Justice requires that I should acknowledge my obliga- tions to some friends in London, for many materials which * I am tempted in this place to present the reader with a quota- tion from Cavallo, which shows that metallick substances have a powerful effect on animals. " The principle phenomena of animal electricity, viz. the pro- perty of being put in motion by a metallick communication between the nerves and muscles is not peculiar to a few animals, but must be a property of all; a law of nature which admits of few excep- tions, and these of a very doubtful nature. The experiments have already been tried with a great variety of terrestrial, aerial, and aquatick animals. The human body, whilst undergoing certain chirurgical operations on its recently amputated limbs, has been convulsed by the application of metals. From the ox and the horse down to the fly, the effects of metallick applications have been re- peatedly and unequivocally observed, with the same power." f Many respectable English reviews spoke in favourable terms of the tractors. I shall here quote the authority of the Anti-Jaco- bin Review, the reputation of which is so well established that we cannot suppose it possible that its conductors would give any thing like quackery the sanction of their authority. In a review of a satyrical work of one Carry who had written against the trac- tors, they observe, " with equal avidity, though certainly with but little knowledge or skill, does our angry satirist fall upon Perkins's metallick tractors. Much as we detest and reprobate quackery of every description, we do not feel ourselves authorized to restrain or suppress the extension of scientifick discovery; and considering the tractors to be constructed on known philosophical principles, they do not appear so contemptible as this author affects to represent them." Anti Jacobin Review for April, 1802, p. 399. PREFACE. xiii composed the London edition of the following performance. The verse, with the exception of about half a dozen stanzas, is mine, with no other assistance but such as conversation with those friends afforded me by occasionally supplying hints and topicks, which I afterwards displayed in rhyme. Some of the notes were printed with but little alteration from matter furnished me by correspondents. As many of these communications, however, are of a personal na- ture, I do not feel at liberty to divulge the names of their authors without their consent. Such was the origin of the English editions of the following work. I thought it proper briefly to narrate the circumstances, which led to its publication, in conse- quence of inaccurate statements, which have been circulated. The present edition contains nearly double the quantity of matter published in the last English edition, the satire is more general, and it is hoped the additional matter will be thought not inferiour to what has repeatedly obtained the sanction of British and American professional criticks. My object has been not only to disclose the follies of phi- losophy, falsely so called, but to give publicity to such in- ventions and improvements as are really useful. I have the highest reason to be satisfied with the reception which the performance has met in Europe and America from men of literature and candour. It is true that some piti- ful attempts have been made to persuade the publick, not only that this poem, but the immortal work of which this is an imitation is " gross and nauseous." But such malignant and sorry criticisms will serve merely to render their authors ridiculous, and their folly will ever serve as an antidote to their malevolence.* * I allude here to a critique upon this poem and Democracy Un- veiled, written by a pitiful American scribbler for Philips's Monthly Magazine, London, and republished with much ostentation, as the opinion of British criticks, by an editor of a very contemptible paper at New York. This man, not contented with abusing my poems, XIV PREFACE. In preparing the additional matter I have had no assist- ance except such as libraries and the conversation of men of science and literature have afforded. The urbanity of gentlemen of those descriptions, in this metropolis, and the readiness with which they have afforded me access to the sources of intelligence in their possession, will live in my remembrance and be at all times acknowledged with gra- titude. has attacked the immortal works of Butler. He seems not to pos- sess powers for discriminating between doggrel rhymes and Hudi- brastick poetry ; for he declares that " to make verses of this kind," to wit, like Butler, " is one of tbe lowest orders of intellectual em- ployments." If we may judge, however, from some specimens of this critick's own verse, " the lowest order of intellectual employments" in his hands would be " likely to be lower ! !" But Pope has hit his case so exactly that we will dismiss him with a quotation from that writer, whose productions he will doubtless pronounce " gross and nauseous." " Some have at first for wits, then poets past, " Turn'd criticks next, and prov'd plain fools at last." Philadelphia, June 18, 1806. INTRODUCTION TO THE LONDON EDITION. THE demand for a second edition of caustick's peti- tion, within the short period of two months from the publication of the first, has excited so much vanity in the author as to induce him to believe that his efforts have not been altogether unacceptable, and to hope that his objects may ultimately prove not to have been altogether unaccom- plished. With such a reward for former exertions, and such an incitement for future, it will be thought natural in him to have used his endeavour for a continuance of publick favour. The present edition, which contains more than double the quantity of matter that composed the last, will plead the virtue of industry, even should the merit of the new matter not justly lay claim to that indulgence with which the former was honoured. Besides enlargement, this edition will be found, especially in the first canto, to be materially altered. The aim of the alterations has been to avoid, as much as the subjects necessarily enlarged upon would admit, every xvi INTRODUCTION. sentiment and expression, which would offend the heart of innocence, or the eye of delicacy. Addressed, as the poem originally was, to professional men, there was, perhaps, little cause to complain of too great a licence in this par- ticular. The circulation of the work proving, however, to be by no means confined to the medical profession, and promising to be still less so in future, it has been the author's study to savour this to the more general palate as well as to enlarge the scope of its objects. Of one, among other advantages, which may generally be derived for the improvement of second editions, viz. the criticisms of monthly journals, the author is in a great measure deprived. Two only (the Antijacobin and Monthly Register) have yet committed the deeds of Dr. Caustick to the test of their tremendous ordeal. The sweet drops of their approbation, which, in their great clemency, they have allowed him to taste, instead of the bitter pill which the trembling poet feared might have been his dose, inculcates a hope of a survival of the affray, without a broken heart through his own chagrin, however great his danger of a broken head through the chagrin of others. Thus far I had proceeded in remarks, which are applica- ble to this second edition only, and hesitated some time, before I resolved on the expedience of pursuing my observations, and offering something like an explanation of the motives, which led to the present publication. This delay has enabled me to mention a third review of the first edition (by the British Cririck). Like the former two it has indulged Dr. Caustick with encomiums on his " in- genious burlesque," his " humorous notes," his " happy ludicrous compounded rhymes, and many other qualities to ensure no trifling success in doggrel verse." &c. INTRODUCTION^ xvu To have hoped, by any thing that might be said in this introduction, to alter the conduct of those, against whom the animadversions contained in the poem are directed, would be vain. Others, however, who seek after truth with more disinterestedness, and with whom truth, when known, may be subservient to some good effect, may have their inquiries facilitated by a simple detail of a few plain facts. The discovery of Perkinism, and the ascertainment of its utility in the cure of diseases, have been objects of the author's most critical and cautious investigation. This investigation, terminating in a conviction of its great importance to mankind, and its high claims to a rank among the choicest blessings to humanity, has placed him on the alert to watch its progress, and to feel an anxiety for its success. He has of consequence been roused at the disgraceful attempts made by the combined energies of prejudice and self interest to prevent the use, nay, even the trial, of the efficacy of the metallick tractors. Opposition, honourable in its views, and fair in its means, to discoveries of great pretensions, is not only commendable, but almost indispensably necessary to the development of truth. Such opposition, like friction to the diamond, proves its hardness and increases its lustre. But when, as in the present instance, every avenue to • truth is defended by scorpions, who endeavour to frighten you back by their hisses, or assail you with their stings, it cannot be unjustifiable to attempt to clear the passage by whipping away the reptiles. The author, however, would not presume to represent that he has accomplished this task. But, if he has failed in his attempt, he is not yet discouraged. They have thrown the gauntlet in an untenable cause, and, as his quiver is yet full of arrows, he will be justified in shooting folly, malice, and ignorance 3 xviu INTRODUCTION. whenever they appear in any guise to combine against this important discovery. The writer would, however, caution against any supposition that the whole medical profession, many of whom are stars of prime magnitude in the hemisphere of science, are enemies to Perkinism, or would make use of any unjustifiable means to oppose an improvement in the art of healing. Indeed, no person can hold the more honourable part of the profession in higher estima- tion than the author of the following poem. A concise sketch of the history of Perkinism, since its first introduction into this island, will render evident what has been the nature of the opposition to the metallick practice, inasmuch as it will show that it resolves itself into two heads, viz. ridicule and malicious falsehood. These, when, called into action even by men- of moderate talent, who are compelled by interest to extraordinary exertion, are no impotent engines, employed against the weak, however inefficient they may prove with men of penetra- tion and independence. I shall proceed to the proof of my assertion relative to the character of the opposition to Perkinism. I shall draw my facts from the several writers' own acknowledge- ments and Mr. Perkins's answers ; both of which have long been the subject of my attentive observation. At the head of that part of the opposition to be classed under ridicule, may be mentioned certain pro- ceedings in the Bath and Bristol infirmaries; the former under the direction of Dr. Haygarth, a physician of Bath ; and the latter conducted by Mr. Smith, a surgeon of Bris- tol. These have been the grand rallying points about which every minor assailant has taken his stand. But it is unnecessary to recapitulate them here, as they are suffi- ciently enlarged upon in the second and third cantos of the INTRODUCTION. xix following poem. Before quitting the subject, however, I would briefly mention, in addition to what is there stated, that Dr. Haygarth, who condemns Perkinism on his own experiments, does not appear to have ever used the trac- tors a second time on a patient; and Mr. Smith, whose virulent observations and necromantick manoeuvres con- stitute three fourths of Dr. Haygarth's evidence against the tractors, admits, before he closes his communication, that he never tried them. This last gentleman candidly acknowledges that he " played the part of a necromancer," in his ridiculous pranks in ridicule of Perkinism. Next in order comes the writer of the article " per- kinism" in the Encyclopedia Britannica. How far I am justified in ranking this attack under the head of ridicule, will be learnt from the remark of the writer himself, who says, " to treat this discovery with seriousness would dis- grace the profession of a scientifick critick." The whole attack is accordingly a strain of ridicule, invective, mis- representation, and misquotation, which, in the opinion of some, has not much honoured the profession of a " scientifick critick." This writer copies, among others, the attack of the Monthly Review, which shall next claim our attention. None has enjoyed, in a higher degree than the author of this poem, the effusions of wit which sometimes deco- rate the pages of the Monthly Review ; but still he regrets that a journal which might so eminently promote the cause of literature, should so often sacrifice every thing to a good joke. They have certainly been very witty at the expense of the tractors, and I have myself joined in the laugh, whenever it has appeared to be the object of the criticks to utter a smart, but not a malicious thing. But I apprehend that no honestly disposed person has derived that lasting satisfaction from their " quips and cranks," which he would have experienced from a learned and candid investigation of the merits of Perkinism. XX INTRODUCTION. In their last attack on Mr. Perkins, alluding to the. cou- sequences of an unlucky kick, they advise him to avoid the use of the tractors on horses, and wittily suggest the pro- priety of his confining their* application to bipeds, and among others would beg to recommend geese to his polite attention. But whether the gentlemen intend to offer themselves, or some other bipeds of the same species, but of less hissing notoriety, as the subject of experiment, they have not informed us. But ridicule, as before observed, has not been the only weapon with which Perkinism has been assailed. False- hoods, base, wilful, and malicious, have been propagated with the like benevolent intention of extirpating this intru- sive practice. 1 say base, wilful, and malicious, because they carry witb them the marks of barbarous design. At the head of this list should be named a masked writer, who has found access to the pages of the British Critick. Surely there will not be found many, among the more civilized inhabitants of this kingdom, who will approve of an at- tempt to brand with infamy those acts in a Perkins, which immortalized a Howard. But such has been the attempt of the writer in question. Dr. Elisha Perkins, the inventor of the metallick trac- tors, and the father of the present proprietor, it is known, like Howard, sacrificed his life in the cause of humanity. The latter ended his days with a malignant fever at Cherson, while visiting the sick and in prison. The former lost his life with a malignant fever at New York, caught whilst engaged in the benevolent office of hunting out, and offer- ing medical assistance to the poor, in their dreary and distressed habitations, during the rage of that dreadful scourge, the yellow fever. Both alike left the calm enjoy- ment of domestick ease in this godlike employment, and both equally pursued the object with no other expectation, or wish for reward, than the consolation of relieving the INTRODUCTION. XXI distressed. But it was reserved for the conductors of the British Critick to offer their pages to a wretch, who could conjure up an infamous falsehood with a view of casting a sneer at the philanthropist and covering with disgrace his benevolent acts.* After such a specimen of the liberality of the conductors of this journal, with respect to the me- tallick tractors, it did not surprise me to find, that although they were so condescending as to grant that this poem had merit, as an " ingenious burlesque," &c. still they pro- * Dr. Perkins entertained 'the opinion that powerful antisceptick remedies had not been sufficiently tried in that putrid disorder, and these it was that he was solicitous to put to the experiment. The particulars of his death were (as appears from Mr. Perkins's corres- pondence with Messrs. Rivingtons, since published) in possession of the editors of the British Critick. That journal, however, gravely asserts in its preface to vol. xx. " it is a curious fact, we have lately learned, that the American inventor fairly duped himself on the sub- ject of his tractors. He died, we are told, of the yellow fever, with this useless operation performed on him at the moment." The atrocity manifested in the invention of this falsehood is equalled only by the subsequent conduct of the editors, in refusing, when con- vinced of its injustice, to correct their statement. After numerous applications on the part of Mr. Perkins, they dismiss the affair by the following shuffle. Among the addresses to correspondents in the number for August 1800, is the following. " Mr. Perkins's letter we have handed over to our correspon- dent, whom it more immediately concerns." The editors were cautious to avoid mentioning what Mr. Perkins this was, or the sub- ject of his letter ! But to close this specimen of the honesty and im- partiaUty exercised towards the metallick tractors, the explanation or vindication of this " correspondent" although frequently demanded,, has not only never been given, but from that time the tractors were forbidden to be advertised for sale in that Review, with this pretence, on the part of the publishers, that they had just come to a deter- mination of admitting no more advertisements of medicines (the tractors then are medicines ! /) it is necessary only to add, that soon afterwards, March 1801, this Review was stuffed, as usual, with the advertisements of quack medicines. See the numbers of the British Critick, already mentioned, and Perkins's Cases of Successful Practice, page 21, second edition, for the particulars of this nefarious attempt. XXii INTRODUCTION. nounced it an empirical puff, and the production of Mr. Perkins ; and had the knavery also to misquote the title, by printing it practical, instead of Poetical Petition, &c The next assailant of Perkinism, of whom I shall take notice, is Dr. James Anderson. This ingenious gentle- man condescended to amuse the readers of his Recrea- tions in Agriculture with the following falsehood, in proof of the falling reputation of Perkinism. " The price of the tractors is now reduced to four guineas the set!!" But perhaps a gentleman of Dr. Anderson's fertile imagination and inventive genius ought by no means to be confined within the boundaries of truth. Had the doctor been obliged to state useful facts, and probable, theories, merely, his Recreations might possibly have been published in a sixpenny pamphlet, instead of the tedious and voluminous work he has contrived to botch together. Another assailant of Perkinism is a Mr. Corry. One would, however, feel little disposition to censure this charac- ter, as his low situation in life exposes him to tempta- tions, which, it is to be hoped, he would otherwise resist. This, however, is no excuse for his employers. In a book against quackery, he attacks the tractors most furiously, and in support of his opinion of their inutility: adduces a statement of a number of experiments, purporting to have been made by one Mr. Wilkinson, at Avondale, near Strat- ford upon Avon. Mr. Perkins has been at the trouble to ascertain the correctness of this statement, and has found that neither the said Wilkinson nor Avondale ever had existence !! In short, the whole is a fabrication. I have to mention only one more of these gentlemen assailants. The late lord Henniker was a friend and promoter of the metallick tractors. He purchased at dif- ferent periods, during three years, three sets for the use of his own family. Being a fellow of the royal society, and INTRODUCTION. xxiii considered a gentleman of superiour judgment and talents, the zeal with which he supported them, it may well be imagined, gave pain to many. Accordingly, at the death of that nobleman, some person conceived the idea of obli- terating from the mind of the publick any impression which might have existed in favour of the metallick prac- tice, in consequence of his patronage; and for that pur- pose the following paragraph was inserted in a biographical sketch of lord Henniker, in the Monthly Register, for April 1803. ' No one sooner adopted a prejudice, but no one more readily submitted it to that test, which suited it, and upon no one had an original prejudice less effect in dazzling a subsequent judgment. The numerous testimonies in favour of a celebrated nostrum induced his lordship to become a purchaser. Having obtained it, he immedi- ately put it to the proof, and discovered its absolute in- efficacy. His lordship immediately returned the nostrum, with a pecuniary present to its inventor. " You will con- sider as your own what I have already paid for your tractors. Employ the enclosed notes to embark in some more honest business, and no longer impose on the cre- dulity of the publick." From another letter in the Monthly Register of the suc- ceeding month (May) it appears there never occurred between lord Henniker and Mr. Perkins any circumstance which could give the least colour for such a representation. To the time of his death he remained a firm advocate of Perkinism. Two more assailants might be mentioned, but their deeds are already alluded to in the fourth canto of the poem. XXIV INTRODUCTION. I have now mentioned every publick writer of whom 1 have a knowledge, against Perkinism, and given a speci- men of their arguments. The more private opposers, who employ that unruly member, the tongue, are a hundred fold more numerous, and not less malicious. After this exhibition of the spirit which has influenced the opposition to the metallick tractors in Great Britain, can there be found one honest man who will say that they have met with such treatment, as ought to have been ex- pected from a liberal and enlightened profession; or that the author of the present poem has commenced an un- provoked attack on honourable and deserving characters ? Perkinism is supported by no mean and comirton preten- sions. Five years has it buffetted the storm of interest and prejudice, and all true friends to humanity, acquaint- ed with its merits, will congratulate each other on the result. The two following facts will place the evidence in favour of this discovery in a fair point of view. Not an individual of those persons, who have communi- cated their experiments and remarks in favour of Perkin- ism (among whom are eight professors in four different universities, twenty-one regular physicians, nineteen sur- geons, and thirty clergymen) has publickly or privately, so far as my knowledge extends, retracted his good opinion of the metallick tractors. 2. The contest respecting the merits of the tractors has lain entirely between disinterested persons who have ap- proved of them, after a cautious and faithful experiment (Mr. Perkins never published any facts on his own autho- rity) and interested or prejudiced persons, who have con- demned them without any trial whatever, generally indeed who have never seen them. This fact is demonstrated INTRODUCTION. XXV by the report of the committee of the Perkinean society to their general meeting, conveying the result of their application, indiscriminately made to the possessors of the tractors in the metropolis, for their concurrence in the establishment of a publick institution, for the use of them on the poor. It was found that only five out of above a hundred objected to subscribe, on acccount of their wan* of confidence in the efficacy of the practice, and these, the committee observes, there is reason to believe, never gave them a fair trial, probably never used them in more than one case, and that perhaps a case in which the tractors have never been recommended as serviceable. Purcha- sers of the tractors would be among the last to approve of them, if they had reason to suppose themselves defrauded of five guineas. I am now willing to express a confidence that the candid and unbiassed reader will be persuaded that the author has been engaged in a cause not unworthy of his best exer- tions ; and that every real friend to humanity and useful science will wish him success. It remains to speak of the plan and design of the poem. The author's ambition has been to produce an original performance, and avoid all " servile trick" and " imitative knack" of ordinary dealers in rhyme. He would rather in- troduce indefensible eccentricities, and run the hazard of the lash of the critick, than to " threat his reader, not in vain, with sleep." Although the attacks upon the metallick tractors are the principal subject of the following poem, still the author has painted " every idle thing That Fancy finds in her excursive flight;" 4 XXM INTRODUCTION. and he is sorry to say that our modern philosophers furnish such a multitude of " idle things," which they call disco* veries and inventions, that he need never lay his brush aside for want of proper subjects u| on which to exercise skill in his vocation. Were the mere inutility of their researches the only objection which could be urged against them, they might be permitted to follow their frivolous pursuits without molestation. But when, in addition to inutility, their experiments are accompanied with the grossest inhumanity, the indignation of the reflecting mind is roused at so wanton a misapplication of time, and pros- titution of talent. It has given the writer no small satis- faction to find the opinion entertained by professional criticks, who have examined the former editions, that " the attack on some of the cruel and indecent experiments of certain modern naturalists, which seem limited to the gratification of a licentious curiosity, having for their object the attainment of no one practical good, is just and commendable. The author has not merely rhyme, but very frequently reason on his side in his satirical remarks." CAntijacobin Review of April, 1803, on the first edition of this poem.J In the present edition, another variety of this species of philosophers has received some attention, although not fully equal to what their demerits require. These are they whose atheistical theories and speculations appear to have no other object than to annihilate a belief in an over- ruling Providence, and cancel every religious and moral obligation. In this department I have dwelt upon the theories of an author (Dr. Darwin) whose " Sweet tetrandrian monogynian strains Pant for a pistil in botanick pains ; On the luxurious lap of Flora thrown, On beds of yielding vegetable down, INTRODUCTION. XXYli Raise lust in pinks ; and with unhallowed fire Bid the soft virgin-violet expire ;" and whose writings have a direct tendency to unhinge so- ciety, and reduce mankind to a state of nature, by giving a loose to those passions, which of all others require re- straint. It is to me a most surprising, as well as lamentable cir- cumstance, that pure intellect has so little to do with the affairs of mankind. Whim, folly, and fashion, predominate most deplorably even in this (which we pretend to style an enlightened) age. The man who discovers an extra joint in the tail of a tadpole is immortalized for the discovery ; whilst he who gives relief to thousands, languishing on the bed of sickness, is to be sure an empirick, and unworthy of countenance and protection. A bad head generally indicates a bad heart. A fool, nine limes in ten, to the extent of his abilities, is a knave. And it is happy for mankind that knaves commonly are fools, and generally too cunning for their own interest Thus it has happened with many of the opponents to the tractors. Gross palpable lies, which were easily detected, have been circulated to disparage Perkinism. The detec- tion of those lies has served as an advertisement in its fa- vour, and evinced the motives of its adversaries. It is wisely ordained by Providence, for the good of society, that knaves should be permitted to overreach themselves. Although many things, which I have enlarged upon in this performance, are intended to be stigmatized, others are introduced merely for the purpose of laughing with, but not laughing at, the inventors. The experiments of Aldini, as well as those of certain learned and respectable chymists, the discerning reader will perceive, from the manner in which they are treated* xxviii INTRODUCTION. that I have introduced merely for the purpose of giving them publicity, and thus promoting the interest of science. Indeed, it would be very ill judged in the author to discourage Galvanick experiments, when not attended with inhumanity. Every advance in that science is a step nearer the top of the eminence on which Perkinism rests. I am not, however, very sanguine that Perkinism is likely to derive that immediate support from the step- by-step progress which Galvanism is making, that one would, on the first reflection, be led to imagine. I fear the medical profession will fail to support Galvanism the moment it is attempted to be applied to any useful pur- pose, that is, to an easy and cheap mode of curing dis- eases ; for then it will become identified with the other offending practice. Perkins and Aldini I conceive go hand in hand ; but the former cures diseases (ay, there's the rub) and thereby encroaches on the province of the fa- culty ; and, I apprehend, it will continue to be the pro- vince of too many of the medical profession to condemn the American, while they bend the knee to the Italian. In the third canto, entitled manifesto, the author has discussed the merits of every argument, which, to his knowledge, has been adduced against the tractors. Their ridiculousness, like that of some of our Bond-street fops, is almost beyond the reach of caricature. For in- stance, when we perceive Dr. Haygarth attempting to persuade the publick that the tractors cure diseases by operating on the imagination of the patient, although every possessor of them may have daily proof that infants and brute animals are as much subject to their power as the most credulous ; and when incontestable proof is adduced by Mr. Perkins of their efficacy on those subjects, we see the doctor attempt to show that, in those cases, " it is not the patient, but the observer, who is deceived by his own imagination"—when we next find that Dr. H. and his INTRODUCTION. xxix adherents, whose duty it is to cure diseases in the most safe, cheap, and expeditious manner, anathematize the tractors, because they cure diseases (as they pretend to suppose) by an operation on the imagination (a pleasant remedy 1)—when they exclaim against the tractors, and assert that no confidence is to be placed in their effects, because the modus operandi is not explained and demon- strated, like a mathematical problem, although the mo- dus operandi of the best and most approved medicines in the materia medica is even more inexplicable—when we find it objected to the tractors, that the testimony of those who support the discovery is not admissible, nor satisfac- tory, although such testimony is, in every sense, prefer- able to that on the other side of the question, inasmuch as it is from learned and disinterested men, many of them MEDICAL CHARACTERS, RETIRED ON THEIR FORTUNES from business—it is difficult to show the ridiculous con- duct of the party opposed to Perkinism, in a more con- spicuous manner, than by presenting a simple relation of facts. The author has merely endeavoured to give a lu- dicrous turn to such nonsensical arguments, and, by thus placing them in their just light, show them to be ridicu- lous as well as foolish. In the fourth canto, after exhibiting some specimens of pure and unadulterated quackery, together with some other curious traits of character, the poet has plunged headlong and headstrong into a battle, which is intended for the entertainment merely of your stout hearted, roast- beef readers, who feast upon terrible images and horrour- fraught descriptions. Ladies and ladies' men, and all other delicate, timid, and gentle readers, are respectfully in- formed, that they will do well not to venture too incau- tiously upon the terrifick scenes there introduced. Should it be objected against this poem, that the author is unnecessarily severe on some occasions, I shall reply, in XXX INTRODUCTION. addition to what has been before observed, respecting the provocations given, that he has founded his severity upon facts, and if he has nothing extenuated, he has set down nought in malice. Were men of real science to unite in stripping the mask from ignorant and impudent pretenders to knowledge and acquirements which they do not possess, society would no longer be imposed on by empiricks, pseudo-philosophers, poetasters, and other witlings, who puff themselves into consequence with the less enlightened, but more numerous part of mankind. If, by attacking some of that kind of scribblers, exposing to ridicule and contempt their whimsical and impracticable theories and speculations, and supporting a discovery, Which (although it has been treated with unmerited oblo- quy) experience has proved to be usefid, the author has been of service to society, and contributed his mite to the treasury of correct literature, his most ardent wishes and expectations will be amply gratified. The following lines, relating to the excellent institu- tion, so frequently mentibned in this poem, the author con- ceives may be copied here, not improperly, as a conclusion to this introduction. An address delivered before the Perkinean society, at their publick dinner, at the Crown and Anchor, July 15, 1803, in celebration of the opening of the charity in Frith street, Soho, for the use of the metallick trac- tors, in disorders of the poor : by a friend to the in- stitution. Say, " sons of soul," when erst th* Omniscient plan Design'd this globe the tenement of man, INTRODUCTION. XXX1 What " firm, immutable, immortal laws, Inpress'd on nature by the great first cause ;" Baae jaring atoms form one beauteous whole, Fitted to order's durable control ? sages of science, eagle-ey'd, disclose, What aptitudes and appetencies those, Which world with world connect in one vast chain, Cause and effect, a never ending train ? Can ye unfold what energies control The magnet, faithful to its kindred pole ; Or render plain the philosophick why Th' electrick fluid fires the cloud-roof'd sky ? Meek they reply ; " these causes mock the ken Of human intellect. Short-sighted men, With finite views, as well might hope to trace Infinity, and fathom boundless space ; With finite views, explain the links which bind The world of matter to the world of mind. Not Newton's self could look all nature through, His, though a wide, was still a partial view. Expeiience teaches, from effects alone, The works of Deity in part are known. As time rolls on, with raptur'd eye, behold, The laws of nature constantly unfold ! Behold Galvani's vivid, viewless flame, Bids mimick life resuscitate the frame Of man deceas'd ;—the vital lamp to burn, With transitory glow, in death's cold urn. See pointed metals, blest with power t' appease, The ruthless rage of merciless disease, O'er the frail part a subtil fluid pour, Drench'd with invisible Galvanick shower, Till the arthritick staff and " crutch forego, And leap exulting like the bounding roe !" xxxii introduction. What, though the causes may not be explain'd, Since these effects are duly ascertain'd, Let not self interest, prejudice, or pride, Induce mankind to set the means aside : Means, which, though simple, are by Heaven design'd, To alleviate the woes of human kind ; Life's darkest scenes with radiant light to cheer, "Wipe from the cheek of agony the tear. Blest be his memory, who, in happy hour, Gave to humanity this wondrous power ; Friend to the wretched, time shall write thy name, A second Howard, on the rolls of Fame When late the fiend of Pestilence could boast His power resistless o'er the western coast, Poison'd the air with fell mephitick breath, Gave countless thousands to the realms of death; " Unmov'd by fear, though relatives implore, Mov'd by no claim, save pity for the poor, Thou didst, humane, with goodlike aim essay, By med'cine's power, his fury to allay ; But soon Columbia mourn'd a Perkins' doom, Which swell'd the triumph of the sateless tomb. Ye worthy, honour'd, philanthropick few, The Muse shall weave her brightest wreaths for you. Who, in humanity's bland cause, unite, Nor heed the shafts by interest aim'd, or spite ; Like the great Pattern of Benevolence, Hygeia's blessings to the poor dispense ; And, though oppos'd by folly's servile brood, Enjoy the luxury of doing good. CANTO I. OURSELF! ARGUMENT. Great Doctor Caustick is a sage Whose merit gilds this iron age, And who deserves, as you'll discover, When you have conn'd this canto over, For grand discoveries and inventions, A dozen peerages and pensions ; But, having met with rubs and breakers, From Perkins' metal mischief makers ; With but three halfpence in his pocket, In verses blazing like sky rocket, He first sets forth in this petition His high deserts but low condition. FROM garret high, with cobwebs hung, The poorest wight that ever sung, Most gentle Sirs, I come before ye, To tell a lamentable story. E 2 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. What makes my sorry case the sadder, I once stood high on Fortune's ladder;' From whence contrive the fickle jilt did, That your petitioner should be tilted. And soon th' unconscionable flirt, Will tread me fairly in the dirt, Unless, perchance, these pithy lays Procure me pence as well ^spraise. Already doom'd to hard quill-driving, 'Gainst spectred poverty still striving, When e'er I doze, from vigils pale, Dame Fancy locks me fast in jail. Necessity, though I am no wit, Compels me now to turn a poet; Not born, but made, by transmutation, And chymick process, call'd—starvation 1 I once stood high on Fortune's ladder. Although Dame Fortuna was, by ancient" mycolo- gists, represented as a whimsical being, cutting her capers on the periphery of a large wheel, I am justified in accom- modating her goddesship with a ladder, by virtue of a figure in rhetorick called Poetica Licentia, (anglice) poets' licentiousness. MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 3 Though poet's trade, of all that I know, Requires the least of ready rhino; I find a deficit of cash is An obstacle to cutting dashes. For gods and goddesses, who traffick In cantos, odes, and lays seraphick, Who erst Arcadian whistle blew sharp, Or now attune Apollo's jews-harp, Have sworn they will not loan me, gratis, Their jingling sing-song apparatus, Nor teach me how, nor where to chime in My tintinabulum of rhyming.3 What then occurs ? A lucky hit— I've found a substitute for wit; On Homer's pinions mounting high, I'll drink Pierian puddle dry.3 2 My tintinabulum of rhyming. " The clock-work tintinabulum of rhyme." Cowper. 3 I'll drink Pierian puddle dry. Pursuant to Mr. Pope's advice ; " Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring." 4 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. Beddoes (bless the good doctor) has Sent me a bag full of his gas,4 4 Sent me a bag full of his gas. This wondrous soul-transporting modification of matter is christened by chymists gaseous oxyd of nitrogen, and, as will be evident, from the following sublime stanzas, and my judicious comments thereon (in which I hold the microscope of criticism to those my peculiar beauties which are not visible to the naked eye of common sense) is a sub- ject worthy the serious attention of the poet and physiolo- gist. Any " half-formed witling," as Pope says (Essay on Cri- ticism) " may hammer crude conceptions into a sort of measured nonsense, vulgarly called prose bewitched." But the daring mortal, who aspires to " build with lofty rhyme" an JEvi Monumentum, before he sets about the mighty enterprise, must be filled with a sort of incompre- hensible quiddam of divine inflation. Then, if he can keep clear of Bedlam, and be allowed the use of pen, ink, and paper, every line he scribbles, and every phrase he utters, will be a miracle of sublimity. Thus one Miss Sibyl re- mained stupid as a barber's block, till overpowered by the overbearing influence of Pheb.us. But when ——---------------ea frsena furenti Concutit, et stimulos sub pectore vertit Apollo, the frantick gipsy muttered responses at once sublime, prophetick, and unintelligible. Indeed, this furor mentis, so necessary an ingredient in the composition of the genuine poet, sometimes terminates MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 5 Which, snuff'd the nose up, makes wit brighter, And eke a dunce an airy writer. in real madness, as was unfortunately the case with Collins and Smart: Swift, Johnson, and Cowper, were not without dismal apprehensions of a similar fate. The wight, there- fore, who wishes to secure to himself a sublunary immor- tality by dint of poetizing, and happens not to be poeta nascitur, must, like Doctor Caustick, in the present in- stance, seek a sort of cow-pock-like substitute for that legitimate rabies, which characterizes the true sons of Apollo. Although my own experiments with Dr. Beddoes's sub- limating gas would not warrant me in pronouncing it superiour to the genuine, fresh-imported waters of Helicon, still I have no doubt but a person possessed, as Dr. Darwin expresses it, of a " temperament of increased irritability," or, as Dr. Brown would have it, whose animal machine was accommodated with ;a smaller quantity of " excita- bility," might receive astonishing benefits from the stimulus of this gaseous oxyd of nitrogen. Mature deliberation and sedulous investigation of this important subject have led me to conclude, that the bene- fits which result from inhaling this gas, have been more widely diffused than has been generally imagined, and not at all confined to those persons in whom it produced the singular effects-detailed by Dr. Beddoes, in his ingenious pamphlet on a certain windy institution, entitled, "Notice," Sec. Most of the sublime speculations of our modern system-mongers, from Dr. Burnet, who encompassed the earth with a crust, like the shell of a tortoise, and which, being unfortunately fractured, produced a Noah's flood, to Dr. Darwin, with his " omnia e conchis," have arisen from immoderate potations of this bewildering gas. 6 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. This precious gas, sirs, is the pink Of pure philosophy,—the link With which great metaphysicians bind To worlds of matter, worlds of mind. The chymick basis of an ens, A demi-animus, or mens, A non-descript, terrene-etherial, But like some people's souls, material fs 5 But like some people's souls material I That most renowned modern philosopher, metaphysi- cian, theologian, &c. Sec. Joseph Priestley, L. L. D. F. R.S. and other things, " Who as the demon of the day decrees Air, books, and water makes with equal ease," Pursuits of Literature. Who " could reduce all things to acts And knew their natures by abstracts; Where entity and quiddity The ghosts of defunct bodies fly," Hudibras. has made many wonderful discoveries in the world of spi- rits. From him we learn that " On the whole, the state of things is now such that it appears to be absolutely neces- sary to abandon the notion of a soul, if we would retain Chris- tianity at all. And happily the principles of it are as re- pugnant to that notion as those of any modern philosophy." Disquisitions relating to Matter and Spirit. Preface to the second edition, p. xxx. Again he informs us (idem, p. 99) «It will also, I think, be difficult to account for the MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 7 A mongrel sort of mind, created From matter, erst oxygenated; Brew'd while the elements were sparring In chaos-quakes of Doctor Darwin.6 separation of the soul from the body after death, unless the spiritual substance be supposed to be a proper constituent part of the solid mass which, \\}&e. fixed air in bodies, is set loose when the rest of the mass is dissolved, by putrefac- tion, or otherwise. If putrefaction or total dissolution be the physical cause of this separation, is there not a good foundation for the practice of the Egyptians, who pre- served the bodies of their friends as long as they possibly could, probably with a view of retaining their souls in them or near them ?" ! ! ! This scheme of Doctor Priestley, however, which evolves souls from bodies, while the process of putrefaction is carrying on, although it is undoubtedly very ingenious, is, we are sorry to say, not very savoury, and we are not a little apprehensive that some wag will call it a stinking theory. 6 In chaos-quakes of Doctor Darwin. " We can have no idea" says this sage of sages, "of a natu- ral power, which could project a sun out of chaos, except by comparing it to the explosion of earthquakes, owing to the sudden evolution of aqueous, or of other more elastick va- pours ; of the power of which, under immeasurable degrees of heat and compression, we are yet ignorant." Botanick Garden, Canto I. Now there can be no doubt but this same gas was manufactured in prodigious quantities, by the agency of " elastick vapours" and ' immeasurable de- grees of heat," and the explosions and combustions so poe- 8 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. That vital principle, which one Prometheus plundered from the sun.7 It forms the intellect, or nous Of man, of mammoth, or of mouse. As animals (so Darwin said) In Nile's organick mud were bred,8 tically and philosophically described by Doctor Darwin as giving origin to the universe. 7 Prometheus plundered from the sun. Prometheus the son of Iapetus and brother of Atlas formed men of earth and water, and then stole from Apollo this very gas, or something very like it, for their principle of animation. (See Ovid's Metamorphoses.) Ju- piter behaved very shabbily on the occasion, and, instead of rewarding him for his ingenuity, commanded Vulcan to bind him to Mount Caucasus with iron chains, and em- ployed a vulture to prey upon his liver. Dr. Swift, who appears to have been as well acquainted with the court history, and green room anecdotes of the gods of those times as Ovid, or any of his predecessors, gives an account of the management of the arch thief on this occasion. Intelligencer, No. 14. 8 In Nile's organick mud were bred. " Creative Nile, as taught in ancient song So charmed to life his animated throng; O'er his wide realms the slow subsiding flood Left the rich treasures of organick mud; Bird, beast, and reptile spring from sudden birth, Raise their new forms, half animal, half earth, MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 9 But rose each generation, one key To Adam, who was but a monkey; 9 The roaring lion shakes his tawny mane, His struggling limbs still rooted in the plain, With flapping wings assurgent eagles toil To rend their talons from the adhesive soil! The impatient serpent lifts his crested head, And drags his train, unfinished from the bed.— As warmth and moisture blend their magick spells, And brood with mingling wings, the slimy dells." &c. The Temple of Nature, Canto I. " In eodem corpore ssepe Altera pars vivit; rudis est pars altera tellus Quippe ubi temperiem sumpsere humorque calorque, Concipiunt; et ab his oriuntur, cuncta duobus." Ovid. Met. lib. i. 403. y To Adam, who was but a monkey. Lord Monboddo says, however, that our common pro- genitor was an oran outan, and congratulates the human race on his being a sort of an animal somewhat more ele- vated than the ape or monkey. However, the specifick difference between all these animals, of the Simia species, and man, is acknowledged to be so trifling that we shall make them synonimous ; or at least take that liberty when it becomes convenient for the better manufacturing of our metre. For this we have a notable precedent in Butler. " A squire he had, whose name was Ralph, That in adventures went his half, Though writers, for more stately tone, Do call him Ralpho, 'tis all one : And when we can with metre safe Will call him so, if not plain Raph." C 10 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. So Beddoes' gas, Sirs, I'm inclin'd To think we'll burnish into mind, By dint of chymical gradations And Doctor Darwin's fine filtrations.I0 And our philosophers will learn, From timber such as this, to turn, In this good age of grand inventions; Souls of all sizes and dimensions. This serves small poets for a shift, Gives lagging lays a lubber lift, Forms episodes and other tackling, And sets your Florence geese a cackling. " 10 And Doctor Darwin's fine filtrations. " The story from Ovid," says Doctor Darwin, " of the production of animals from the mud of the Nile, seems to be of Egyptian origin, and is probably a poetical account of the opinions of the magi, or priests of that country ; showing that the simplest animations were spontaneously produced like chymical combinations; but were distin- guished from the latter by their perpetual improvement by the power of reproduction, first by solitary, and then by sexual generation ; whereas the products of natural chymistry are only enlarged by accretion, or purified, by filtration." 11 And set your Florence geese a cackling. This epithet the author of the Pursuits of Literature has MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 11 With this a brother bard, inflated, Was so stupendously elated, He tower'd, like Garnerin's balloon, Nor stopp'd, like half wits, at the moon : But scarce had breath'd three times before he Was hous'd in heaven's high upper story,ia Where mortals none but poets enter, Above where Mah'met's ass dar'd venture. Strange things he saw, and those who know him Have said that, in his Epick Poem, *3 had the hardihood to bestow on the sublime writers in the British Album, to wit, Delia Crusca, Anna Matilda & Co. 12 Was hous'd in heaven's high upper story. Brother Southey then made the important discovery that " the atmosphere of the highest of all possible hea- vens was composed of this gas." Beddoes's Notice. ■3 Have said that, in his Epick Poem. The same poem to which the gentleman alludes in his huge quarto edition of Joan of Arc, in the words following __« Liberal.cridcism I shall attend to, and I hope to profit by, in the execution of my Madoc, an epick poem on the discovery of America, by that prince, on which I am now engaged." As liberal criticism appears to be a great desideratum with this sublime poet, I trust he will gratefully acknowledge the 12 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. To be complete within a year hence, They'll make a terrible appearance. And now, to set my verses going, Like " Joan of Arc," sublimely flowing, I'll follow Southey's bold example, And snuff a sconce full, for a sample. Good Sir, enough! enough already ! No more, for Heaven's sake !—steady !—steady ! Confound your stuff!—why how you sweat me! I'd rather swallow all mount Etna! How swiftly turns this giddy world round, Like tortur'd top, by truant twirl'd round; While Nature's capers wild amaze me, The beldam's crack'd or Caustick crazy ! I4 specimens of my liberality towards a worthy brother, which I propose hereafter to exhibit. h The beldam's crack'd or Caustick crazy. Or, it is possible, may it please your worships, that I— I for the matter of that am a little te—te—tip